what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

pilderwasser unlimited T-shirts  pilder what? kickstand P know knew spew snap shots autoBIKEography RAGBRAI  slide shows phot-o-rama stationary-a-gogo 1/2 x 3/32 links

220, 221 whatever it takes

December 31, 2009

historic landmark designation

December 29, 2009

And then there were two. New Years day smells like football. It also smells like the rent check is due. I’ve recently regained an appreciation for the simple things in life, after taking home a case of the flu.  Don‘t Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like JP ?  When it feels like the tank is empty, a little adrenaline may be all I need, or maybe I need an icecold 12-pack of Busch Light.
Happy New Year

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

green light red light

December 29, 2009

Seattle traffic is a real bear

there’s a time and a place for Billy Joel

not now     not here

three people in the whole theater and

the other two sat right in front of me

I’ll wait for the DVD

that’s not ‘98 it’s ‘86

like a 5-gallon bucket

1099  this   again

do you want to see something really scary?

I have two fingers

insurmountable obstacles

beyond your control
2010 is the new Friday

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

red light green light

December 28, 2009

same as it ever was except when it wasn't 

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

IN-N-OUT urge

December 26, 2009

OUT  -   IN

Friday  -  Tuesday
Facebook  -  social skills
cupcakes  -  Jo Jos
ignorance  -  bliss
No  -  Yes
lite  -  light
31.8  -  25.4
neo  -  retro
29 inch  -  700c
steamed  -  deep fried
spring roll  -  egg roll
smattering  -  saturation
playoffs  -  don’t talk about playoffs
the recession  -  unemployment
the economy  -  bikes
the environment  -  bikes
exercise  -  bikes
used cars  -  bikes
Zip cars  -  bikes
scooters  -  bikes
RE Load  -  DANK
cutlets  -  giblets
bacon  -  bacon
Pokey  -  Gumby
complimentary  -  free
electronic filing  -  hand delivery
tweeting  -  talking
light rail  -  walking
home fries  -  hash browns
ring tones  -  rotary phones
after Christmas sale  -  yard sale
what’s hot  -  what’s not
Out n In  -  In n Out

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Merry Christmas... and all that

December 25, 2009

Our Lady of Corned Beef

December 24, 2009

1124 Howell is not on the corner of 12th & Howell

A clean well lighted place for everything

And everyone in their place

A vehicular recumbent cyclist is like kicking them when they’re down

There’s an unfamiliar rhythm in the layers of repetition

I’m getting on an elevator   I may lose you

Another stock photo. Truly timeless holiday imagery, that in this economy, screams Merry Christmas and all that, really, for real.

You know what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

brown bottle buttercup bouquet

December 22, 2009

 I spy the Space Needle behind 1201
Mt Rainier is on Capitol Hill
and it’s all on the waterfront


4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

you blink when you lie

December 22, 2009

everyone knows it’s windy   they know
it’s worse when you lie about it
the truth hurts more      because it’s true
Who’s got it figured out?
big mouth know-it-all asshole jerk
only want what     cannot get
a firm grasp of the fundamentals
the X’s and the O’s
a student of the game
the kids are out of school
weekend warriors all week long
making their way downtown today
retail hunting and gathering
line standing at the post office out the door
Santa Claus photo   6th Ave shit show 
keep creepy Santa away from me
traffic cop-o-rama wave
You    NOT you         you
left turn right lane
for all the marbles
heaping helpings of piping hot wort
hovering heavy over the neighborhood
single serving subscriptions
red wine stained lips
strained smile stretched into morning
toothpaste tastes like chicken
watch me eat 50 fucking hardboiled eggs
keep it down     v-neck argyle sweater vest
ubiquitous orange zest squeezed in your eye
Jesus Christ pose on the couch
on the flip side     on the 4th Ave side 
victory trophy prize consolation
keeping score on a scoreboard no one else can see
tote home from the County Fair
one goldfish in each plastic bag
didn’t expect them to live that long
relationship recollection
clearly calibrated calendar
broken up    into two-year cell phone contracts  
Who’s got it figured out?
five blocks on a Tuesday
law library ASAP              if you say so
five miles on a Sunday
beers in Ballard                because I said so

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

in the weeds

December 21, 2009

Turning point. Shortest day. Longest night. Winter solstice.

Glass half full. Four shopping days. Whatever.

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the fog of beer

December 20, 2009

Canterbury tales of ABC and PBR
roadmasters of annual tradition
deviled eggs attractively arranged
thousand island subwoofers
with whipped cream on top
keep your day job   up to date
hazardous food handler’s permit
there’s a rhythm to it
call & response radio etiquette  
copy all that
five digit addresses add up
if you lived there
you wouldn’t be home by now
traffic is a real bear
I’ll have one more beer
the smell cannot be duplicated
copy that

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

Captain Stoker

December 17, 2009

 bike geeks take pictures of bikes
because they don’t have many friends   and
the ones they have are doing the same thing
and blogging each other              like this

like the kid in the drivers ed film
chasing his ball into the street
between parked cars near a park
where kids chase balls around

like a tandem with an inflatable stoker
 an accommodating expression on her face
oh captain my captain
do that to me one more time

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

healthcare reform

December 17, 2009

What seems to be the problem?
Why don’t you tell me Doc?
Just take a stab at it    A shot in the dark
But each swing you take   runs around $300
A full battery of tests    coming up aces
Black and white and puke allover
That cat is too fat
This cat is too thin
Metabolic rates
Inhibitors that stimulate
Not enough
                    Too much
Thyroid hyper   Thyroid hypo
How about a little middle of the road
   A visit to Mediumville
Not too hot   not too cold
This porridge is just right

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

negative space

December 16, 2009

 ---this space intentionally left blank- - --

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the smell never goes away

December 15, 2009

coolrain 12-inch action figures from Matt Case's collection

black tea
steeped in the cup
steeped in tradition
set apart      to fit in
brand names change       trend cycles
a uniform to put on each morning
to take the train into the city
to play the game    to play along
to do it all again the next day
shortest days of the year strung together
to make one long week
40 hours the hard way
wouldn’t last 5 days at your job
Yo-Yo Ma        yo mamma
layers seem to work best
two sweaters and a vest
second-day socks pushed to new limits
the smell never goes away

...you got the juice to fill my cup

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

denatured eggnog latte

December 14, 2009


December 13, 2009

"Swipe it once!"

December 12, 2009

At 11:14am the dispatcher chirps me,
“pickup a rush roundtrip from the ACLU going to 44 West Mercer. Wait for the signature then take it back right away. We need you in the core to cover Nooners!”

Who is this weWe only have two riders and the other one called in sick, again. And 44 West Mercer my ass. Bad addresses are no problem and We’ll be there right away. Labor costs are down while caloric output is steadily increasing in this December weather. It’s coming up Burberry everywhere, but where is the accompanying warm fuzzy holiday feeling I read about in the paper?

Oh yeah. It’ll be a quick little jaunt out of the core…

“Copy ACLU and the story to go with it”, I chirp

There used to be a little patch of nature on the way to LQA, a wetlands preservation greenbelt. It was one of my favorite strips of asphalt in Seattle. Surrounded by trees with a short descent into a sweeping right turn and no traffic on the smoothest road ever. The city recently sold the land to developers after the river dried up and there wasn’t really any wetland to preserve anymore. Then budget shortfalls heavily outweighed the weak protests about the loss of greenspace in the city. The loss of a place to sit down and actually feel like you weren’t in Seattle. The loss of a place where you could pull off the road to take a piss and easily disappear into thick undergrowth and maybe say hi to a few happy raccoons and some crazy looking birds and chirp out. The loss of a place where a Vietnam vet I once met, could campout for months.  

“Base to Matt!”

“I’m still 4 blocks away” I say, “it‘s a bad address anyway”

“Swipe it once!”

What? Swipe what? I’m not exactly sure what that phrase means, but in this context, I catch his misinformed drift. No 10-9 needed. This job would be a lot cooler if I didn’t have to talk to anyone on the Nextel. If I wanted to talk on the phone, I’d work in an office. Now I'm starting to smell a little stress. The attorney I‘m looking for, if he even has an office on West Mercer Street, and if he's in his office and available, will most likely take his time signing these documents, especially since the ACLU appears to be hounding him. It’s all the same to me, but I don’t need any added stress direct connecting me. 44 West Mercer? Is that a typo or what? It’s not like it could be confused with “eighteen” over the phone. And it’s not as simple or recognizable as the old 1911 2nd Ave dyslexic slip.

I’m almost there or where it would be but this road doesn’t go through. Maybe I can take the stairs and they’ll spit me out up on Mercer...

I open my eyes and look at the clock, it’s 12:03 so I guess we don’t need to worry about those Noon rushes anymore... But I’m not sure where I am. These stairs could be in any building built within the last 30 years. There are no windows but the floors are clearly labeled on each landing.  I try the doors on each floor, until I find one that's unlocked on level M2. When I step out of the stairwell the temperature is 20 degrees warmer and the stuffy air reeks like Graham & Dunn. The walls are covered with O’Keefe impressions and bad bleached bone desert scene murals. Around the corner I find myself in that Azteca we talked about earlier. Only it’s no longer an Azteca. But it obviously used to be. They just taped over the name on the sign and wrote the new name --Guadeloupe’s--in sharpie. If this building wasn’t even here three weeks ago how could Azteca already go out of business?..

I’m just trying to find the out, the way, up to West Mercer.

A woman in a hound’s-tooth coat with matching earmuffs is leaving the restaurant with a stack of Styrofoam clamshells to-go. She gets up in my personal space and tells me there’s an elevator that goes up to Mercer. But I didn’t even ask her a question. When I approach the front counter, the hostess and a two busboys are gathered around a large Anasazi ceramic bowl filled with individually wrapped peppermint candies. But these aren’t the good kind, they’re some cheap Chinese knock-offs that look stale. When I reach for a mint, the busboys laugh at me and mumble something and before I say anything, the hostess says she’ll show me the elevator.  She walks around the counter once in a clockwise direction then into the restaurant. I follow her but have trouble keeping up. The place is packed.  The aisles are full and the tables are too close together. The third aisle is less crowded so I make my way through and bang my messenger bag against the back of several people’s heads as they eat their lunches of chimichanga combo platters and nachos mega grande. Nobody says anything they just get very angry, Seattle style. Near the far wall I come upon a large bald woman with the heavy shadow of a recently shaved moustache. She’s wearing a fake tuxedo T-shirt and the bottom half of a Snuggy held up with an old innertube. I can hear Simple Minds blaring on the one earbud she has in, but it doesn't remind me of Breakfast Club. She’s sitting on the floor and she's in the process of breast feeding a kid in a Houston Oilers helmet with an Earl Campbell jersey that‘s too small for him. No matter how far I extend my leg to step over her and the kid, the cleat on my shoe keeps snagging on her shirt because of her enormous breasts. After a few attempts looking like karate kid,  I’m committed and finally ready to shift my weight forward with a little hop off my left foot, my right shoe pulls her shirt down. She says, “I see an alligator” but I keep walking, scared to look back because I assume she’s referring to one of her tattoos that is now exposed. When I eventually get out of Guadeloupe’s, the hostess is long gone and all I can see are non-descript cement walls and rows of planter boxes containing no plants and no soil but filled with exhausted inkjet cartridges. There are piles of expired fire extinguishers stacked neatly here and there. Walking and walking the vacant office plaza there is nobody in sight.  

Pondering various maladies that could cause me to feel like I’m walking in quicksand wearing cement shoes and a lead suit. Expending so much energy and accomplishing so little. It’s no longer stressful, just frustrating.

I have no idea what time it is and I can’t remember where I locked my bike.

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Toni Braxton's red turtleneck sweater

December 11, 2009

Wilson posed with the roasted chestnut cheerleaders outside the Four Seasons in 2006. Three years later it has become a stock photo for when you need a little Christmas right this very minute.

In 1993, Johnny Mathis gave his red turtleneck to Toni Braxton and 12 years later she wore it on Good Morning America to perform the same song. And it was good, so good I've been talking about it ever since they took it off YouTube.

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

it's like this and like that

December 10, 2009

It’s like one less fuel efficient car with a bumper sticker that reads one less SUV.

It’s like the assumption that a paramilitary uniform commands more respect than an ill-fitting blue blazer with dumpy grey slacks.

It’s like a crocheted Kleenex box cover.

It’s like three battery-powered fake candles glowing on the reception desk amid plastic pine boughs emitting the chemically reproduced smell of melted wax and artificial cinnamon all over a medium sized law firm on the 19th floor of a large office building that has thousands of windows, none of which open,  a building that has a newly retrofitted HVAC system, a building that prohibits the use or presence of open flames, flames like the kind you would expect to find on real candles glowing real light in December emitting smells of real wax melting and dripping on the legal documents I place on the desk when I stamp my return copies.   

It’s like falsely notarizing documents regarding the sale of his father-in-law’s car in Oklahoma.

It’s like the alien that popped out of that guy’s stomach.

It’s like finding yourself on a road that used to go through but now dead-ends into a massive parking garage for a mixed use condo hotel complex of shoddy new construction with street-level retail and an Azteca restaurant on level M2, and you thought you were hungry but you can’t smell the food you can only smell the chemicals off-gassing from the new carpet, wall coverings and vinyl upholstery, but the staff is friendly.

It’s like that.

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

when the big hand is on the little hand

December 9, 2009

hold on for two more days

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

this little piggy went to market

December 7, 2009

heard it on NPR
saw it on DrunkCyclist
just made it up
layered up    enough
to feed a family of four
which works well until
delivering to the passport office
to wait in three lines    three times
wait   time   to shed layers
this little piggy wears wool
lucky socks worn thin
breeze blowing through shoes
wind chill factor demonstrated clearly
December 7th  today             …in infamy
paying the price for wardrobe decisions
made four years ago
in a Saturday hangover thrift store daze
then compounded four hours ago
in a second cup of coffee haze
getting what I paid for
fifteen years later
a little bit older    a little Budweiser
slaking an unquenchable thirst
chicken curry brown rice Siracha-o-rama
“Thank you Dear    have good day”
rising up from the subterranean Korean deli
sinking down into lobby furniture
food coma metabolizing    slowly
monitored closely by building security
riding a temperature roller coaster
with a busted thermostat        
touch-screen elevators can’t feel frozen fingers

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

coldplay oasis

December 7, 2009

If the bench was still there, I’d sit on it.

Today could be the day that I turn on the heat in my apartment. I’ve reached all the arbitrary deadlines and imaginary goals and now it’s actually cold in Seattle. But first I need to scrape the ice off the inside of the window so I can look outside.


It’s all there in the dispatch log.
Or it used to be.

Originals saved for seven years.

Sometimes I wear my pick-up hat.
Sometimes I wear my drop-off hat.
Sometimes I wear my roundtrip hat.

Sometimes I wear my do-not-care hat.

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

helium filled alien chapbook production

December 6, 2009

Just in time for the holidays. A new & improved pilderwasser production handmade in Seattle one at a time. One of a kind.  Much bigger and better than last year. But just like last year Brad helped with several steps in the process including printing, counting, measuring, cutting, collating, stacking, folding, stapling and silkscreening. While Skunk slept through everything but the food breaks. This is a limited edition small batch run, a so-called helium filled alien bovine invasion  Each chapbook is chockfull of words and features a unique silk-screened cover.  

In order to build some anticipation I will ruin the surprise for my family and friends… because this is it, this is what you’re getting for Christmas. But it will feel different when you get it in your hands.

To ye olde messengers on the street, I’ll sell you one cheap. $5 in cash or some sort of tallboy trade may be arranged.

To all y’all in websiteville, I’ll sell you one too, but it won’t be so cheap. $8 will get you a chapbook shipped anywhere in the USA via USPS. Hand delivery via bicycle messenger will occur only for addresses in Zone One.

PayPal payments to the following email address:  

pilderwasser at msn dot com


2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

you're all intense and purposeless

December 4, 2009

that light was red

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

we're all in tents...and porpoises?

December 4, 2009

if you build it they will come 

not many dolphins are harmed in the production of RAGBRAI 

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

for all intents and purposes

December 4, 2009

it's the same on the weekend as the rest of the days  



2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

32 degrees Fahrenheit = 0 degrees Celsius

December 3, 2009

giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet

December 2, 2009

Red ribbons tied on gold foil wrapped fake presents staged around pine-scented plastic trees in office building lobbies. The green velvet dressed  harp player props her harp on the handrail and goes out for a smoke. Hopeful retailers blare Michael Jackson Christmas tunes to pierce through the drone of the escalators. What’s missing? What day is this? Where are the hoards of holiday shoppers toting bags and bags brimming with consumer confidence? Buying buying buying more. Visa and Mastercarding store to store.

There it is.

There’s that recurring underwhelming feeling that everything is horseshit. A quick cost-benefit analysis shows neither winning nor losing. Not whining but just as productive. Trackstanding in the living room watching YouTube videos of people trackstanding in their livingrooms. Treading water in the shallow end.  Energy lost and nothing gained. Like one weak little working copy to the Judges Mailroom by 9:00 and nothing to go with it except an elevator full of conversation about fantasy football. Talk turns to Bellevue and the new mall. Offictrons chitchatting comparing traffic-clogged commutes and daughter’s soccer practice schedules, sales technique seminars and  the upcoming team-building retreat.

There it is.

...snowing and blowing up bushels of fun

now the jingle hop has begun

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

ounce for ounce forty ounce

December 1, 2009

Chris Buck photo
on the first day   she said
let there be cheap beer
and it was good

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

everyone who's in the know says

November 30, 2009

thinking about going barefoot all summer
it’s pretty tough to think about
the beginning of December

unless you come from a land down under

N30 ten years ago    ten years later

Happy Birthday to Steve too

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

loose ball headset

November 28, 2009


There may be some brinelling going on in your life, right now, as we speak.  It’s just that you weren’t sure what to call it. I didn’t know what to call it until I heard Ron Sutphin talk about it at UBI. Now it’s a word I try to use at least once a year. Brinelling often occurs in old beatdown bicycle headsets. It gets progressively worse until the headset feels as if it’s indexed. While indexing is desirable in downtube shifters, it’s usually not a feature to be proud of in your headset bearings. However, when riding no-handed on a 30 year old grocery getter, it’s comforting to have the handlebars return “home” like a lost dog.  Which is ok on a bike a that travels only a few miles each week and gets only air in the tires and an occasional drop of chain lube. If you want to prolong the life of your brinelled headset with a no-cost desert-island repair, don‘t take it to the Velo Store. Remove the crown race, rotate it 90 degrees and re-install it. The pitted surfaces will be out of the normal range of motion and the headset will feel smooth enough to get groceries for 30 more years.  

Hey Jace, good luck in Chicago

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

ipecac appetizer

November 27, 2009

it all returns to earth eventually
but one stop along the way will be
the garbage can at Cool Guy park

and someplace in East Oakland     maybe

it’s comforting
reassuring   sort of    subliminally
to know         you know

that long branch that brushed your shoulder
ever so slightly    every morning
on the way to work
broke off
when the garbage truck got too close to the curb

just a reminder

just in time for the holidays as seen on TV
a compilation of your favorite artists: Standby Up Town
featuring a remix of the timeless classic “Waiting for the Naj”
as well as  “Nothing at Wolfstone” and “Clear at 1420”  
includes 7 previously unreleased tracks

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

thanks g

November 26, 2009

trace your hand with purple crayon
onto orange construction paper
add a beak and then two feet
tape it on the fridge
call it a turkey

thanks g

happy thanksgiving

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

The Hochdorfer: a no-handed backward circle wheelie with your sister on your shoulders

November 26, 2009

thanks for the link Seth

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

one : good :: two : better

November 24, 2009

no need to watch this 12:25 clip, just have some red wine

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

take the escalator

November 24, 2009

Step #1: show up
It’s not as easy as it looks after years and years of mind-numbing repetition and an all-time low level of internal motivation. Apparently there is no penalty for calling-in sick once a week and showing up late consistently. Just as it appears to me that there is no reward for showing up on time everyday and never calling-in. Keeping labor costs down is a priority, they say. Cost-of-living pay increases are unheard of when all we hear about is the cost of living continuing to rise. Employee retention is high, to the untrained eye. While employee satisfaction is low because there’s no place else to go. Ten years ago you could change messenger jobs as often as you changed your socks.  That is no longer the case.

If you told me, ten years ago, that Stealth will pay its riders hourly and ABC will be commission, I would say, no way.

Take the elevator to the mezzanine. Take the back side.

Take the tunnel. Take the stairs.

Take a break.

move aside and let the man go through

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

spd sandals with socks

November 23, 2009

official RAGBRAI fanny pack up front adjustable hat riding high like short shorts like sunburned necks and sandal tans SPD cleats and seven-day-rider wristbands from a time before facebook to a time away or to get there and stay but we can still find a way to say roadmasters in brown paper bags and price tags displayed on the edge of the beer garden ready to purchase tickets from  the outside looking in   in a win win situation another Chris Murray photo yo like so four years ago like two tattoos ago like November rain pounding on a Seattle window somehow sounds like July in Iowa

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

fixedgear conversion virgin whack trackstand

November 21, 2009

a kid in dank ick can stink

November 20, 2009


Kickstand is antic ink.
A tack in a sack, a snack in a cask, a task.

As an ant is an acid tank and a kid in dank ick can stink
Kickstand is an act and a stand. It can
Sin, sic a cad at staid kin
As ticks sink in skins.

Kickstand can scan ants in sand, skin cats, stain a saint
Nick, kid, kick, stack, and sack a sick and sad anti-antics din
As it aids kids. It isn’t AIDS
And can’t stand tan Dan and Candi’s tics in a skit
In skin. As I sat and stank, I said

Kick it, kids. Dan, dick Candi! And Candi said,
It ain’t in, it’s an act: a knick-knack, tic-tac, sin-din in a tin can
An act can’t stick its dick in.

In Kickstand, I said, it can.

--Doug Nufer   
This was printed in Kickstand #9 in 1999.
Reprinted here and now because in kickstand I said it can. Ten years later I’ve gained a whole new appreciation for it, as an interesting and humorous poem constrained by the letters found in the word kickstand.  I also have a lot of respect for Mr. Doug Nufer who is a badass writer  as well as a cyclist, former messenger, poet, MC and wine expert.

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

don't STOP

November 20, 2009

“It wasn’t so much a pushback but it felt a little distant. It was sort of cold and I’m not sure why. There was no rapport. There was just no rapport.”   Said one suit to another on an elevator when talking about a CPA.

And I wanted to say
how warm should it be?   he’s a CPA
Do you want warm fuzzy chitchat or do you want the numbers?




Heard about it somewhere
Saw it in a movie
Read about it someplace

But this isn’t some after-school special
This actually happened       it’s real
It jumped up and hit me in the face

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

phrase your answer in the form of a question

November 18, 2009

J buttercup P shadow taking photo

I don’t know

What’s your 20?
What do you have left?
What floor is Bader Martin on?
How do you stop that thing?
Where is the parking garage?
What is this all about?
How many miles do you ride in a day?
Did that hurt?
Do you think my niece should get a tattoo?
Is it raining?
How much is the witness fee on a subpoena served in Fife?
Does the judge need two copies?
Will you advance money for the conformed copies?
What’s the code for the men’s room?
How much does it cost to modify a parenting agreement?
How much does it cost to go up in the Space Needle?
What time did you deliver that 2101 on August 15?
Is it raining?
Where are those fish guys?
What courtroom in Judge Spector in?
Where is the nearest Key Bank cash machine?
Is there any good sushi around here?
Will you be here for a minute?
Where is 9th & Virgin?
Where is the Adidas store?
Do you need a coversheet for a miscellaneous filing at USDC?
Where can I get Deep Vs powder coated to match my cranks?
Where can I catch the bus to Maple Leaf?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Is that all there is?
Is Two Union at 2nd & Union?
Where is 601 Union?

Are you one of those guys at the coffee shop?

Where can I buy pink hair dye?

Is it raining?


I don't know

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

where I'm calling from

November 18, 2009

What we talk about when we talk about the weather

What we talk about when we talk about bikes

thanks to Jessie and Rob for the link link link

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

this one time, on RAGBRAI...

November 16, 2009

 Chris Murray photo

The theme of the day today was busted blownout inverted umbrellas discarded or stuffed in garbage cans all over town and in the background, imagine the smell of wet socks soaked since 8:21am.  (Insert photos of leaf-clogged storm drains, rain-covered Seattle streets, and wet-dog messengers here)  

Around midday I asked one of those guys down at DANK bags how he stays focused and he said when his mind wanders he just brings it back to the task at hand and gets back to work.  But if I didn’t let my mind wander on a day like today I wouldn’t last 12 minutes as a legal messenger in this economy. Which reminds me, of this one time, on RAGBRAI…

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

express yourself lane

November 15, 2009

 Craig Etheridge video

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


November 14, 2009

from flat to fluffy

November 13, 2009

single  serving  sizes  canned    
laughter    rattle my bottle
cage       road vibrations
bring the  carbonation
to the surface   from
fizz   to   flat

like a fish needs a full suspension bicycle

geared up
year after year
overhead going up
net income going down
going out     coming home
fewer and fewer fish to fight over

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

mind the gap

November 12, 2009

red red wine

November 10, 2009


November 8, 2009














click to view

13 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


November 7, 2009

look at me    listen to me
anthropomorphize me
speak to me

speak loudly   speak slowly   
speak Chinese  speak Spanish
¿cómo se dice  it’s for the birds?

Hitchcock had the right idea   
but it’s not always what you see
on public TV   those nature shows

with grubs   or worms   or nuts
feed me biscotti and yakisoba
curly fries and pizza crusts  

reheated spicy chicken teriyaki
choking down plastic baby spoonfuls
of turkey & giblet cat food from a can

nesting on the one wool mitten you gave me
in a shoe box under a shop light zip-tied to a coat hanger
high on the highest shelf     away from the cat




do the baby crow a favor  and don't do him any favors  

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

here : now :: there : then

November 6, 2009

Craig Etheridge photo

It used to be:
Are you one of those guys on a bike delivering things?

Now it’s:
Are you one of those guys that hangs out at that coffee shop?

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


November 5, 2009

a recognizable natural or man-made feature used for navigation; a notable building or place with historical, cultural, or geographical significance; a major or important item, denoting a change of direction or marking a beginning or an end or a beginning;  or a big honking lighthouse at Cape Disappointment

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

End of the Road

November 4, 2009

A crow settles in at the bar,
and tells one crow story after another,
all hard as his beak.

He scatters out corn, brass cartridges, a penny,
blue glass, a car key, and a ring.

He orders a beer, using it to chase down
shots of dark glances.

Around midnight the crow flies over us,
out of the bar and into all-consuming night.

I take out a match and drag it slowly
over a bed of sulphur, like a scar dragged

over the butt of an old wound.
The match fire could be anyone’s self-hesitancy.

“All I need now,” I tell her, “is sleep,
and a place to keep it.”

“Get away from me,” she said.
“Maybe when you’re gone I can pray.”

                                --Greg Grummer

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

the eyes have it

November 2, 2009

all in favor say   aye
INTJ...    ...ENFP
type indicator     label maker
microwave popcorn butter flavor salt shaker
categorize   compartmentalize
look into my eyes

direction intention instruction
more than one right answer
more than enough wrong answers
multiple choice     fill in the blank
pick a pattern from the scantron bubbles

pick a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch

six people on an elevator
not one willing to press the button
the hardest button to button

two rabbis and two rabbits walk into a bar
the bartender says,  Is this a joke?

a healthy snack   a brown paper sack
grease soaked through      sandwich
squeeze the cheese bare handedly

burberry scarves everywhere
short fall expectations falling short
actual meanings   intended meanings

it all helps the day go by
all in favor say  aye

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

in this economy

November 1, 2009

an authority on the subject said so
so it is so

what if she thinks so   but just didn’t say so

if X  then Y

you get what you pay for    sometimes
sometimes   you get what you deserve

dependable reliable
one  of  a  kind
union made in the USA

affordable and easily replaceable


3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


October 31, 2009

show me how you do that trick

October 30, 2009

Andy Voight photo


One says no. Why should you get a new one? You might not have a job next week and you can’t afford to.

Another says yes. You’re out in it and on it for 40 hours a week and weekends too and you can’t afford not to.


One says, I’ve never heard of it

Another says, I wrote a book about it


0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

falling back

October 28, 2009

Tenth-month conclusions
Eleventh-month expectations

Have another cup of coffee
Have your way with wet socks

Put away the short shorts
Put on the front fender

Drain the Two Union fountain
Drain another box of red wine

Turn on the lights
Turn back the clocks 

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

training wheels

October 27, 2009

it’s all there   it’s been there the whole time
it won’t go away
it’ll just manifest itself in new ways

skin conditions    nervous tics     weird habits
bad hair cuts    punk bands    social circles
aversions     attractions     addictions

Oh dear…
hopefully he’ll gain the vocabulary
or something to help us see what he sees

or maybe we could buy him a bicycle

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

on your left

October 26, 2009

vermontbmx photo

"If prostitution is the oldest profession then surely the oldest form of prostitution is messengering"

thanks to Jace for the link

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

diagonal lines drawn with a ruler

October 24, 2009

I know not where I’m going    
like leaf blowers blowing or little kids screaming
it’s not so annoying when it’s in another language
take it to the mezzanine   broadcast it from the balcony
it’s all there     it’s all in your phrenology
ask the glow-in-the-dark plastic magnetic Virgin Mary
what you are looking at is unlike anything you’ve ever seen
there’s a whole world waiting just beyond that fake wood paneling
the way things are      the way things used to be
Is that all there is?  What was that?  Who is this?  This is it  
it goes   I know that it goes   but I know not where it goes
it just goes away one day       never to return
one final sunset receding behind your hairline  
diagonal lines drawn with a ruler
crossing off each day from the calendar
routine       no questions asked   
hard work  gets you more hard work
do what you love and the money will follow
that thing you love right out the window
window shopping   knowing we won’t be buying anything
just looking and talking and pointing    and then
eating it cold from the can         that’ll do
wandering the canyons of the cityscape
free-ranging journey or goal-oriented mission
each face focused in the framework of its reality
in the façades   the false fronts    the curtain walls  
searching for a patch of grass to contact the earth

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

money talks

October 23, 2009

DANK bags    open for business and now taking orders

hand-made in Seattle by an experienced messenger for messengers, urban cyclists and commuters. I own three DANK bags. As well as three radio holsters, four top-tube pads, six coozies, two hats, two belts and one cell phone holder.  Don't forget the Han-Solos, the tool pouches, the hairnets  and the lifestyle choices...  dankbags@gmail.com
5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

rub some dirt on it

October 23, 2009

i'm a lasagna hog

October 22, 2009

The leaf blowers blowing in the near distance  
make it hard to hear the waves gently lapping on shore

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

beer gardening

October 21, 2009

not yet
drunk still drunk
not quite sober   in an
endless cycle somewhere
on the continuum
what time is it   
what day is this  
what year is it
where am I
why am I here

it’s not a linear progression
although it has its ups and downs

I’m not really sure what it’s about
But it’s not about efficiency

beer garden   happy hour    coffee break    lunch hour

food tastes better when it’s bombarded with x-rays in various courthouses and government buildings six or seven times before lunch

spinach alfredo chicken tomato        leftover pizza
conversation turns to what’s-for-lunch
perhaps   potentially   probably
the highlight of the day already
and it’s only 8:39am

it’s never too early
like you telling me
have a good weekend

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

a body at rest remains at rest, unless...

October 19, 2009

the words she knows the tune she hums

October 18, 2009

you are home 

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

The Tropics Motor Inn

October 17, 2009

breakfast at Denny’s
lunch at McDonald’s
dinner in the shadow of the Space Needle
in the rusting relics of the space age
in the remnants of the Worlds Fair
in the fading naugahyde and in the draperies
in the Tropics Motor Inn
in the optimistic outlook   of
a small-town tourist in the city
as to me I know of nothing else but miracles
thirty years later and still three minutes away
from the grit the grime the guts
from Bill and Melinda Gates
from buildings built by Yamasaki
from another    from the other    reality
from fishing  to logging   to Boeing
the lanes  the lines  the habit trails
the mom & pops  the elevator banks
the jobs well done   the firm handshakes
the fermenting ketchup married bottle to bottle
the unused potential        the unused potential
the second-day socks  soaked     
seeking what used to be   looking to see what they saw
or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky
looking over my shoulder
looking toward the monorail  
looking up at the Space Needle
looking as far as the left turn signal
looking as far as a redshirt kindergartener
looking as far as   by- then- it- will- be- better

I took this faded fuzzy photo some time around 1979 with a Kodak 110 camera. A snapshot to take back home, to show n tell. Today, “Base” is just a stones throw from the hotel formerly known as The Tropics, also known as 225 Aurora Avenue North. Still crossing those same intersections every day. Thirty years later and still three minutes away.
3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

hold your line

October 17, 2009

please hold...your call is very important to us.

Is that all you got?

holding back a bit
a little something in reserve
another layer or an arm warmer
‘cause it can always get worse
and when it does
then I’ll put on my front fender
and my feet will stay dry
just a little bit longer

hold on

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

lip sync

October 16, 2009

Missed it by a fraction, but in retrospect the end result is more desirable

Today I'm wearing Levi's® 100% Dacron® polyester Action Slacks.

Cut-0ff in an understated shade of Black. 

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

messenger kills fax machine

October 15, 2009

RedKev photo

I see you everyday
In the game we play
Produce valid photo ID
It’s all the same to me

Then I see you
Out of uniform
Out of context
Out on the street

On your way to the bus stop
Body language changes
A different person
Double take   to take it in

The uniform that commands respect
The little badge that puffs out your chest
The big black boots that make you 5’9”
They’re all back in your locker

In the game we play
Everyday    it’s you I see
A forty-hour rent-a-cop  
Or another guy at the bus stop

It’s all the same to me

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

bare foot kicker

October 13, 2009

first things first
Jumbo baked potato
Just say no
Mutually assured destruction
Supply side economics
Trickle down theory
Trust but verify
Actor turned politician
Win win situation
Head set press
Crown race installer
Fingernail polish remover
Essential wine aerator
Crusty old messenger
Highly trained professional
Used car salesman
Child support payment
Dead beat dad
King County Superior
Law school aptitude
Old boy network
adjunct professor emeritus
in title only
Fish head soup
Tastes like chicken
Finger lickin good
Inter office memo
Extra marital affair
High school cheerleader
Naked boot leg
Left handed pitcher
Bare foot kicker
Kick return specialist
Special needs child
Plays mean pinball
New and improved
Bottle cage bolt
Video cassette recorder
Original unsigned order
Down hill coast
Talk show host
Irritable bowel syndrome
Food borne illness
Rocket propelled grenade
Night vision goggles
Post traumatic stress
Stand up base
Firm hand shake
One trick pony
Two by four
Turtle neck sweater
Lower back tattoo
Non fat decaf
Loose ball bearing
Fork or chopstick
Paper in plastic
Stone temple pilot
Full suspension disbelief
Fresh ground pepper
Breast reduction surgery
Long haul trucker
Catholic school girl
White tail deer
Ice cold beer
Other brother Daryl
Most wonderful time
Man made fiber
Open ended question
Rush hour traffic
Dexter avenue chuffer
Monday night football
rent   a   cop
Dawns early light
Refined white sugar
Over stuffed chair
Stove top stuffing
Limited liability corporation
Chief executive officer
As registered agent
Tough as nails
Diamonds are forever
Nothing lasts forever
One hit wonder
Birds eye view
Old growth forest
Off shore drilling
Off street parking
Ground level retail
Just this once
Pro hac vice
Easter egg hunt
Back door pass
Shatter proof glass
shot gun wedding
Short attention span
Ground rule double
Power play goal
Personal space invader
Hand tooled leather
Back in black
On the fly
In loco parentis
Minor in possession
Open container citation
Full frontal nudity
Standing room only
Snow capped mountain
High blood pressure
Itchy trigger finger
Quality of life

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

choad checker

October 13, 2009

When your seat post clamp bolt shears off and clangs on the street it does not inspire confidence. However, everyone needs a little kick in the ass once in a while. A so-called choad checker.

One reason I’m a messenger is because I don’t like inside jobs. But we can talk about inside jobs another time. The truth has a way of working its way out.


2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

pint glass in my pocket

October 12, 2009

 Oktoberfest cold and clear
bratwurst und beer
gather ‘round    pull up a chair
plastic Adirondacks everywhere
injection molded mildew resistant
durable stackable unnatural
the fake look and feel of real
 can’t get too close to the fire
embers drifting on the shifting breeze
burning holes in the astroturf

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

yin & yang

October 11, 2009


black & white
dark & light
hot & cold
young & old
yin & yang
girl & boy
on & off
yes & no
fat & thin
out & in
scarf & barf
Skunk & Brad


5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

lingering : doubt :: doubt : lingering

October 10, 2009

whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks? 

-Walt Whitman

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

ten nine?

October 9, 2009

  • Ten-Code for: Repeat last message
  • You just gave me way too much information and now I want you to say it all again because it’s totally unnecessary
  • Are you fucking kidding me?
  • Urgent message (NZ Police)
  • On Location of Incident
  • (Ambulance) On route to hospital with patient
  • Person with misdemeanor warrant (Michigan)
  • Justin’s and EB’s and Marc’s birthday
  • October Ninth
  • International Messenger Appreciation Day
  • Today

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

32 ((feet per second) per second) = 9.7536 m/s2

October 7, 2009

“Daddy, what’s that smell?”

A question a child might ask. But not a childish question

“Son, that’s the smell of freedom.”  

Of the infinite number of variables that combine at any given moment to create variations on the theme,  here are just a few ingredients from the recipe for the smell of freedom:

layer upon layer of dried sweat, blood, chain lube, tri flow, T-9, Old Spice, spilled beer, day-old chicken salad, really old OURY grips, blown out chamois, inner thighs, ass crack, U-lock, bike rack, flat tire, patch kit, vulcanized inner tube, tire lever, misdirected anger, switched dispatcher, taking it in the ass when the owner is dispatching, taking it back to the client, worn out Nextel buttons, panic buttons, thrift store clothing, wet wool, wet dog, cat piss, box wine, pigeon shit, chicken shit rent a cop security guard, bartering, fair trade, road grime, King County Metro and/or Sound Transit exhaust fumes, happy hour, Taco Tuesday, courthouse x-ray, lazy driver handoff, angry attorney, legal secretary, photo ID, elevator button bacteria, rainwater, full fender, unused potential, a glass half full, allen wrench, approach the bench, judge’s chambers my ass, toilet paper dispenser, process server, second hand smoke, cat puke, apple core, banana peel, insole, Phil Wood, loose balls, couch cushion, microwave popcorn, Lane Powell mail room, airplane bottle, saddle leather, elevator ride about the weather, registered agent, rubber stamp, finger lickin, toe strap, round trip, snot rocket, yo-yo dispatcher switch back hand off, bullshit, phlegm, clear signature, print name, POD, deficit attention, chain tension, road rage, garbage can lock up, suite number, sweet number, transfer lobby, free coffee, temporary visitor badge, sign in,  independent contractor, rolling resistance, inside-out jersey, second day socks, bleeding ink notary, registered agent, cheap skate pro se, rookie mistake mop up, horseshit, RV, officetron slow strut,  escalator ride a thon, break time, diet Pepsi, roast beef, self inflicted hair cuts, squeaky cantilever brakes, vehicular cyclist commuter with something to prove, wind proof, water resistant, inconsistent conformed copies, no charge bulk next day, crack head bike thieves, standing by, saliva, free candy, eye contact, chewing gum

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

please press firmly you're making 3 copies

October 7, 2009


take only photos, leave only empty cans

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

taken out of context and put back in

October 6, 2009

Arial rounded italic bold. It’s all about the font. It’s nothing new. It’s kind of old. Same size different year. Same bus different driver. Same sticker different bike. Same bike different year. We’ve come full circle and the painted ponies go up and down. Integrity retained. Chopped up and served up in easy to swallow bite sized servings. A common thread pulled from the same old wool sweater. connecting compounding collecting. I’m not making this up. I’m making a can of chicken noodle soup.  I’m making connections.

Up here at the 48th parallel in the small town city of Seattle when the sun starts to arc lower across the sky, one can witness its rising and setting six or seven times a day. Up from behind hotels. Dropping below large office buildings. Changing locations to watch it all again throughout the day. Perhaps it’s not always a picture perfect postcard view with Jesus rays peeking up behind the Cascades or pink and purple and orange and blue light exploding and disappearing behind the Olympics…but it’s real it’s there it’s true. At 10:41am the sun rose over the Volvo dealership onto Stack-It-Up dog park shedding new light on my old bike and the giant pilderwasser sticker that Chris Murray gave me. Almost instantly I was ten degrees warmer and peeled off a layer, able to linger a little while until the sun started to warm the 50 gallon garbage can full of mutt mitts and doodie bags.

taking in another sun rise - sun set

collecting compounding connecting

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Mathew Mark Luke John & Ringo

October 5, 2009

in case of emergency

October 4, 2009

in case of complacency
go outside
in case of stupidity
talk louder
in case of redundancy
repeat as needed
mirror check
head check
lane change
 on the road
 along the way in-between
nothingness and nothingness
you’ll find everything
take two of these
call me in the morning
whiter teeth fresh breath
goes on smoothly
 wipes off easily
 contractor quality
industrial strength
for external use only
great taste cats love
restaurant recipe garlic parmesan
  year supply of stale croutons

you’re soaking in it


2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

we todd did

October 2, 2009

patterns emerge from the randomness
all polyester and no cotton
makes Jack a dull boy
what’s up  what gives  what’s next
change in the weather
you come from a land full fender
you better run  you better ask Dave Hiller
layer up     strip down
settle in      chill out
no gloves before October
no heat before Halloween
no front fender before November
they say it’s good to have goals
arbitrary deadlines come      and go
like a Judges Mailroom by 2:30
by and by            buh-bye
standing by for hours
you say jump but I don’t ask how high
because it all pays the same 
only 6 hourly messengers remain
to occupy my time   a worthy pastime
an honorable profession
inertia   friction   chain tension
complete absence of lubrication
drive-side fixed-cup loose-ball square-taper
patterns emerge from the randomness

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

come to base

September 30, 2009

A big chapter in the history of Seattle messengers has come to a close

25    and    29
laid off
let go
cut loose
in this economy
in this industry
in this city
Craig Etheridge photo

13 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Tuesday is the new black

September 29, 2009

if you want a conformed copy
then provide a copy to conform
and when the job is complete
you may not change your mind
this will not be a problem
if you get it right the first time
if you say what you mean
if you ask for what you want
if you fill out the slip correctly
you will be billed accordingly
visualize the big picture
look ahead a step        or two
there will be no second guessing
know the rules enough
to fake it and play along
play the game from 9 to 5
who decides?
the weather?  the calendar?
the client?    the owner?
the FedEx tracking number
the all-knowing dispatcher
traffic is a real bear
you can’t get there          from here

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

this is it

September 28, 2009

 Blu photo

Derek wants his girlfriend to ride singlespeed

Kristin cuts her boyfriend’s hair

Vanessa gets stuck in the revolving door

Shannon smokes menthols

Susan uses a highlighter to cross things out

James is worried what people think

Eileen doesn’t give a shit

Mary tries too hard to fit in

David drinks vodka from a plastic bottle

Anthony can’t stand being alone

Tricia gets queasy on crowded elevators

Jill still thinks high school was the best

Jolene makes matching outfits for her ferrets

Ryan reads restaurant reviews

Drea wears green contact lenses

Jim got the job because his wife knows the owner

Paul compensates for things nobody cares about

Brad shits in the bathtub

doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

no brakes?

September 28, 2009

Craig Etheridge photos 

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

country roads

September 26, 2009


September 25, 2009

something about the way you taste

September 24, 2009

it’s all in your mind
psychologically speaking
but you can feel it in your gut
neurosis of the liver

thigh high  rhythm section
extemporaneous dental dam
tires under inflated
pupils fully dilated

yo no sé
no say  no voice  no vote
along for the ride
back seat   back in the day


0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

jalape˝o poppers

September 23, 2009

bike mechanic
minimum wage
subsistence messenger
from point to point
from paycheck to paycheck
a chain is only as strong as
its weakest receptionist
all you can eat
feedback from the neighbors
pounding on the wall
appetizer platter
two for a dollar
deep-fried cheese-stuffed jalapeño popper
all the social niceties of a jackhammer
expert opinions disdainfully stated
on every single subject
know when to say when
know when to say nothing  
shut the fuck up
more   or
less is more
the cushion on the end
gets twice as much love
as the one in the middle
get back what you input
a perfect parabolic reflection
right back at ya
overspray splash splatter pattern
highlighted and heightened by
a grape flavored urinal screen
if you like Gina Kolata
and getting caught in the rain
we’ll read the New York Times
and sit near each other
call it a relationship
it’s a two-way street
with two-way radios
didn’t bring my own bag
but I rode my bike

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

in the pines

September 22, 2009

like a holy vision
it came to me
it was 18 hours late

as hindsight tends to be
when it clears things up perfectly

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Sunday morning easy like

September 20, 2009

Becky Gietzel photo

Jimbo's Bloody Mary bar on the back of the bus

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

and red allover

September 19, 2009

history archaeology stratigraphy
layers   lawyers   liars
idea theory speculation
story   tall tale   religion
hope    faith    fear
flighty  fluff  follower
amateur  dilettante  hipster
trend fashion tradition
advisor  consultant  expert
factual   truthful   comical
press release
media coverage
damage control
swallow it whole
hook line sinker
bite on the head fake
chew it for awhile
masticate regurgitate extrapolate
from the particular to the universal  

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

there's a little Jiggy Nye in all of us

September 17, 2009

horizontal stripes

September 16, 2009

 Robert Kittilson photo

after recent rains
your tumblers are rusty
crispy crunchy salty sticky
squeaky elbow grease                                release
elasticity diminished capacity
replace the battery
help us help you change your tune
gently fold it in with a wooden spoon
let it go there        where
big kids sit with a booster chair

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

even in this economy

September 16, 2009


 Amara Boursaw photo
Mary and Todd
David Byrne will be at Town Hall  September 28

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

special sauce

September 16, 2009

Open to outcome but not attached to outcome.

All mammals have seven vertebrae in their necks,  known as the cervical vertebrae C1 - C7.   The seven vertebrae in a giraffe’s neck are considerably larger than the seven vertebrae in a pig’s neck.

The bourbon is eating through the Dixie cup faster than you can drink it.

Things were looking good in Reagan’s second term, but 24½ years later we’re stuck with a burnt orange toilet and matching sink set in a pink marble p-lam vanity.

One of these kids is doing his own thing.

new bike racks are popping up around town 

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

sneeze guard

September 15, 2009

Monday melds to Tuesday
pacific time zone
northwest evergreen
clear cut

logging   logged in   logged on
upload  download  load of shit
you applied for this  
you signed up for it
a whole can of worms wide open
going Serena Williams on you
delivered first overnight
right to your door  

avoidance  diversion  drama
attention  look-at-me  insecurity
to tease   to test   to trap
three days in a row

resting atop the sneeze guard
cash  check  or charge
take the money
under the guise of charity  

change for $10 when you gave him $20
change for $20 when you gave him $10

now you’re square

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

if you want something done right you have to send a messenger

September 12, 2009

An unnamed attorney takes a look at his calendar  and notices a function he’s supposed to attend at the Columbia Tower (the tallest building on the West Coast. It has a private club and restaurant on one of the top floors) on Saturday September 12. He yells to his secretary a few questions about it because he had forgotten it was coming up and over the years he has come to rely on his secretary for everything. Law school didn‘t teach him this but it laid the foundations for his learned helplessness. His secretary rolls her eyes and picks up the phone and tells the receptionist to find out when and where the dinner will take place passing the buck so she can keep looking at Facebook.  

The receptionist, although not playing with a full deck and dumber than a bag of hammers, is at least attractive and she tries with the resources she has available to solve problems as they arise. She slowly scans her surroundings before taking any hasty action. Making a mental note of the electric typewriter and how heavy it is she picks up a pencil and remembers the pencil sharpeners in her elementary school classroom and how they were so tricky to use. Then she grabs a pen but quickly puts it back because she likes the other color better. Finally she picks up the phone to call the Columbia Center but can’t seem to figure out what number to call or who to talk to so she calls the legal messenger company  because their number is programmed into her phone. She explains her story to the dispatcher, who says “no problem we can do that, just email us a messenger slip, the PDF is on our website or you could fax one over”   The receptionist is thankful but also worried because she now faces a whole new set of challenges.

the messenger slip with information redacted to protect the stupid

Stupefied by the big words like pee dee eff  and unsure of how to use that thing they call a fax machine, she sends a text message to her roommate asking for further instructions.  The roommate works in a bank and calls back to calm the receptionist and encourage her to use the fax machine but only after they talk for a while about the drinks they had last night at Paragon.

The receptionist then wanders around the office looking for a messenger slip. In the supply room behind the Fed Ex padded envelopes she finds some old triplicate forms and returns to her designated position at the front desk to begin the daunting task of filling out a messenger slip.  

On a blank piece of paper she pulled from the typewriter she practices her penmanship for a while before diving into the real thing. After she writes GO TO Columbia Tower she looks at the pink and yellow copies of the triplicate form and says out loud “Oh my God! That is so cool! The words come through three times!   OH -  MY -  GAWWD”  

When she finishes writing out the slip. She sets out to find the fax machine in a room down the hall where she has heard beeping noises on a few occasions over the two years she has worked for the firm.  The receptionist locates a small toaster-oven-sized thing near the big honking copy machine but she doesn’t know how to use it. So she makes herself a cup of tea and waits for a someone to come along that might send a fax so she could watch them and do like they do.  

A short while later a guy from office services comes in and the receptionist gets him to help her but only after they talk for awhile about drinks at Paragon. On the third try the fax goes through. The first two attempts jammed when the triplicate form wrinkled up in the machine.   

Meanwhile at the messenger company the fax comes in but the dispatcher forgot about it because the phone call from the receptionist was so long ago. But it’s marked ASAP so he hands the slip to a driver to take downtown right away. Then the dispatcher chirps me to let me know the driver is bringing me a slip with special instructions and it’s a RUSH.

Twelve minutes later the driver pulls up to Monorail and hands me the slip. When I read it I just have to laugh and shake my head because it truly is unbelievable horseshit. Then I ride up to 701 5th, which is the address for the Columbia Tower, the tallest building on the West Coast. It’s on the corner of 5th & Columbia. You can drive there and when you get there you can park and get out of your car and go inside if you want, even on a Saturday.  

I walk in and wait at the security desk for a while until Mr. Blue Blazer gets off the phone. Then I ask him a few questions and he repeats them back to me because they are so obvious and stupid that he thinks I must mean to be asking him something else. So I show him my messenger slip and tell him it’s from a law firm and they actually sent me here to ask him these questions. He says “are you shitting me? You should get a $100 tip for that.”  We laugh about it for a while and before I can even dial the phone to call the receptionist with the important information I’ve obtained, the security guard is on the phone with a coworker saying “you’re not gonna believe this…they just sent a  bike messenger here to ask how to get in the building”  

All this energy expended. This amazing sequence of events set off by one lazy fat ass attorney who was worried about where to park his BMW.

The cost of a downtown RUSH. Embarrassing conversation.  Passing the buck. A bike ride.  A driver handoff.  Three Nextel transmissions. A fax. Four phone calls. A text message. Are you fucking kidding me?

Bike messengers will always be necessary because of unique and critical situations like this.

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

you know where you are

September 10, 2009

you’re in the jungle baby

where are your priorities
perhaps you can find them
at a bus stop between
what-you’re-telling-me   and   reality
or on the corner where
Yes Street meets
No Avenue

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

step into my office

September 9, 2009


WL - WLM photo

sometimes September smells
like a vanillaroma air freshener 
in a Chevy Avalanche
with its windows down
when it pulls right up on my left
close enough to touch my elbow
close enough to adjust the mirror
close enough to hear talk radio
close enough to say hello


this bike was stolen this morning

it's distincitve

it's tall

it's Molly's


look for it 

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


September 9, 2009

Sky Lobby lends itself to Floor Forty
however   whatever   whichever
sounds better
Floor Four   or   Fourth Floor
it could go either way
in a government building
it all depends on the sexy inflection
in the elevator robot’s voice
a supersaturated mix of everything
a complete lack of anything
the presence of apathy
the absence of motivation
half full  
half empty
don’t ask me
I don’t know why
she swallowed that fly

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


September 8, 2009

drinking cold beverages until your ears ring

that ringing in your ears may be tinnitus
or maybe it’s Miles Davis

kind of blue kind of


Mythical Creatures Velo Vultures Cold Beers

More on this

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


September 4, 2009

too stoned to kill one bird

September 3, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen
the Captain has turned on the Family History Sign
Please return to your comfort zones
stow your baggage (or just pretend to)
under the seat in front of you

It's time to get over it

Moving on

this one goes out to 25 "two-five"

Milli    Vanilli

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

zip ties hose clamps duct tape binder clips

September 3, 2009

  1. Produce and surrender valid photo ID
  2. Sign-in with current employer contact information
  3. Wear temporary visitor badge at all times
  4. But first you must wait for the security guard to update their Facebook page

A tisket a tasket
I lost that little yellow gasket
for my blinky light
now it rattles all the time
and I want to smash it with a hammer

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

pitter patter

September 2, 2009

Robert Kittilson photo

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

dumpster diving

September 1, 2009


dumpster-free alleys
solar powered garbage cans (seriously)
compensatory sympathy and stupidity
budget shortfalls
revenue stream contaminated
potable water      button-down collar
corporate conference room lingo
servings per container       before and or after
malaise dressing on the side
migratory birds crashing dried up reservoirs
worse than Boise State’s blue turf
skipping stones on the surface of a mirage
reflected in the windshield of a Greyhound bus

BEFORE   (May 3, 2007)

AFTER  (September 1, 2009)

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


September 1, 2009

When I enter a small law firm on the 27th floor of One Union Square and open the door, the hinges squeal and sing out a few notes. It’s subtle and pleasantly familiar but I cannot quite place it until I turn to exit the office grabbing the door before it closes and the hinges play the sample one more time. Then, only then do I recognize the song that‘s playing.

What does L. Ron Hubbard know about diuretics?

How many cupcake places can Seattle support?

Where can I get a cup of coffee around here?

I’ve never had and hope to never have a phantom limb. But I do have a phantom apartment building at 10th & John and I can still feel it when I go by.

They paved-
a  24 unit apartment building
3 single family homes
low rent office space
a used bookstore
a copy shop
a hair salon
a Piroshky place
a smoke shop
a dentists office
an incense trinket store
a used record store
a youth hostel
a cheap restaurant
a Jack in the Box
a latex vinyl rubber sex shop
-and put up a parking lot

In eight years or so it’ll be the Capitol Hill light rail station but for now it’s a parking lot.

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

helium filled alien livestock invasion

August 31, 2009

Vermont BMX photo

one last day
one last week
one last weekend
match light charcoal in the air
yard sales   free piles   U-Hauls
double parked hairballs with cheese
frozen pizza wrapped in velour
taken to another zip code
smells  like  September

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

it opens bottles

August 29, 2009

no ten second rule

this one goes to eleven

switch elevators to get to twelve


why put off until tomorrow

what you could put off until next week

Croc over to the beer store for more beer


5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

what would Karl Mecklenburg do?

August 28, 2009

cascading cold cuts
attractively arranged on a plastic tray
avocado pimento loaf sharp cheddar
everything tasted better      on a Ritz

Gas was 49 cents a gallon
cigarette burns in the naugahyde
we didn’t wear seatbelts
we wore flame retardant pajamas
polyester pants crept up
bunched up in the thighs
static thing was the thing

Free Parking
there for the picking

it might mean more
if it was handed to you personally
in Ottumwa Iowa

had to hand it to the handyman
who single handedly handled it handily

makes as much sense as a plastic cactus
planted in a bed of plastic rocks

over the threshold under the radar
hygiene machine malfunction
look to the plastic cactus   look to the replay
surveillance cameras installed for your protection
use your best judgment you know we trust you
designed in the USA   made in China

non-refundable deposit not
available alternating Fridays after 4:00

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

one way or another or another

August 27, 2009

heart palpitations

August 25, 2009

Craig 50 Etheridge photo

5 club sandwiches
3 Cokes
3 bags of chips
2 bananas
6 cookies

my tummy hurts

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

lazy eye

August 24, 2009

predictable randomness   inevitable coincidence
pressure relief  steam vent
fish hook  flip flop
crock pot   plumb bob
expert witness   tainted sample
fresh meat    banana peel
velvet pants    exhaust manifold
coffee break    half n half
long reach short stack
tall boy six pack
station wagon ladder rack
pot smoker  house painter
 smoke blower  defense lawyer
gold bricker   bike whisperer
lock nut    keyed washer
thread chaser    head tube facer
frame alignment missed assignment
circumcised   Flite saddle
loose ball   headset
sealed cartridge bearing   detachable faring
flat tire   long walk
green olive  celery stalk
buffalo jerky   bloody mary
Arnold Palmer  Shirley Temple
petite stature  booming voice
Graham & Dunn     no choice
bad actor    poor politician
self fulfilling gas station
round trip    flat rate
fixed labor payroll cost
freewheel coast to coast
employees     horrible dispatching
independent contractors  chronic dickscratching
thread bare    first impression
REI dividend    Magnolia cul-de-sac
Volvo wagon   purple fleece
red wine  purple teeth
ponytail bald beret
east coast   private school
New England   old money
Mercer Island   Lake Oswego
moldy blue cheese    Asiago
washed up   scrubbed down
old dog      new trick
salt lick     deer tick
lazy eye    cow pie
buck up     bare down
turn to the left       and cough
rubber glove  unconditional love
spoken word      rabbit turd
peripheral vision   indecision
Can’t do     Can’t do without

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

walk on by

August 24, 2009

 fill in the blanks
connect the dots
negative space is something

you’ll figure it out
after you get it wrong

no need to gently spoon another serving
tip the pot and shovel it in
don’t be shy   finish it off

I could spell it out for you
but I’d spell it wrong

cat got your tongue
can’t put a finger on it
just point to where it hurts

 like Dione Warwick said
Walk on By

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

wabi - sabi

August 22, 2009

into and out of existence
less is more
everything you need
 nothing you don’t
those who say don’t know
those who know don’t say
it’s the same on the weekend
as the rest of the days
radiating from   or   contracting to
the original source
it won’t go away
it will only change shape
from nothingness to nothingness
between renewal and decay
somewhere along the way
  anywhere   nowhere  everywhere

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

frying pan

August 21, 2009

Waves of nostalgia washing up on shore
as if I’ve done all this     before
ahead of the curve the next big thing
yet so twenty-six years ago
recycling a trend cycle
continuously toeing the line
between broken in and worn out

Waves of nausea sneaking up on me
clouds of perfume overtaking the lobby
close enough to catch a whiff
breathing recycled office building air
conditioned to stand in line and
not ask difficult questions
go with the flow they want me to go
with what may or may not contain truth

Waves of inertia surrounding me
coming for to carry me   home
keeping it on track
holding it in a rut
complacent stasis status quo
ankling awkward pedal strokes
pushing squares uphill  out of the saddle
out of the frying pan and into desire

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

purple turtle

August 20, 2009

bartenders blue cups bloody marys breakfast
purple turtle  purple turtle  purple turtle
rasta pasta salad stale oyster shooters
annoying yellow jacketed bike commuters
fight or flighty    moist and flakey
soaked in sweat and dried and soaked again
roadmaster forecaster Doppler effect
it’s all foreclosures these days
overdue library book
well lit breakfast nook
30% off day-old sandwiches
crinkling cellophane  
crumbs cascading collecting contrasting carpet
so sorry Mr. Dual Carpet Sweeper dude
spontaneous curmudgeon
misdirected Sisyphusian enthusiasm  
way down yonder way
up the river  down the road
no such thing as a free lunch
messenger appreciation Thursday
week weak chirp chirp wink wink

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

my honor student got beat up by your girl scout

August 19, 2009

It’s not what’s under the hood.  It’s what’s on top

Why are aggressive Prius drivers even more annoying
than aggressive SUV drivers in SUVs
that only go braffin in the Ikea parking lot

He brings you a $4.75 sandwich and you tip him $2
I bring you a $475,000.00 settlement check
all I get is a rubber stamp

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

inside out

August 18, 2009

From the inside looking out
details lost in the shadows
takes awhile for the eyes to adjust
from the outside looking in

you go there everyday
but you don’t work there
you just pick up their
important legal documents

fall down go boom
now it only hurts when you breathe
a not so subtle reminder
that you’re still alive

if you call everyone Smokey
you’ll eventually meet a Smokey
like a broken clock twice a day
right on

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

GAS - cold beer - Live Bait

August 17, 2009

Calling toll free from a rotary phone outside a one-pump gas station on a dirt road in some other time zone. The voice recognition software on the customer service line is having trouble understanding my request because  my drunken slurring in a regional dialect of a foreign language is making it difficult to categorize my questions. But it’s not bothering me because I'm living the dream in the margin of futility.
0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Eight One Five

August 15, 2009


August 14, 2009

Velo Vulture III

24 hour bicycle scavenger hunt

September 5 - 6

Portland   that's in Oregon 

10 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

one for the road

August 13, 2009

                            Chris Murray photo


He thought he’d grab a pickled egg from the jar at the end of the bar but the bartender yelled at him when he stuck his hand in the cucumber infused gin

They found him naked in the 818 fountain
cradling the ball and complaining about property taxes

Incessant barking up the wrong tree

Slurpee straws and sporks from KFC.  Duality

Bacon fat keeps the rain out
Full fenders bring the sun out

Look to the glow-in-the-dark plastic magnetic Virgin Mary

It’s not a secret
It’s on the wall in the unisex bathroom in five languages

He-she-it knows something we don’t

The security guard got promoted just out of sight. See

Clem’s birdcage was lined with 1978 rookie cards

She cut the toes out of her pressure hose
and put them on the window sill

Out of whack growing weed like borrowing a friends bike

Boredom is one possible interpretation

Moving on a hunch proactively reacting

Expectorating back to school drool
spitting distance from negative space

Forty five minutes foaming out

Get a grip. Lift and separate

Shake a stick at more than you can

Gadgets getting all the attention along the way

Gadgets getting you further and further away

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

like I like it

August 11, 2009


smells like Seattle
like the first rain in 27 days
like I forgot what it’s like

like what’s it like

Chris Murray photo


6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


August 10, 2009

Matt Averill photo

rookie strap hand signal head fake
is there a coffee shop around here
if you need a reason to ride a bike
or an excuse to drink beer
monday morning motivation dedication drive
traffic backed up to the ship canal
distraction diversion detour
career change rollover 401k
on base percentage ERA
feeling sleepy in the lobby
call security
tell them time stood still
encapsulated in a digital clock
12:00:01 pm  call it afternoon
silence trumps incompetence
the phone ringing unanswered
beats a bullshit answer
don’t talk louder
don’t talk at all
a place for everything and everything
all at once everywhere all the time
just shy of Yakima this side of the river
lightly sanded carbon fiber
smells like a stress riser
96 fluid ounces or eight for the road
a normal man would not be a normal man
going anaerobic on a false flat   imagine that
it could happen to you too
if you eat like I do

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

single digits doubling up

August 9, 2009

It may work
But you gotta straddle it to be sure

Single digits doubling up
Appearing greater than the sum of their parts

Appearances are everything
At least they appear to be

You must be talking to me
I’m the only one here before 9:30

As if we had a choice
There’s no we in go-fuck-yourself  

On the 7th day she said take a number
Zen and the Art of the Government Worker

Hurry up rush get there sooner
Wait in line longer

The line would move a lot faster
If people had their shit together

No I don’t have a confirmation number
I’m a messenger I come here every day

One sob story followed closely by another
Five days a week 51 weeks a year  

Keeping track of wait time
For no good reason

Call it what you will   Call me crazy
Call me on the phone from Foster

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

Pilchuck is not a river in Egypt

August 6, 2009

if energy
 is never destroyed
and only changes form
then why are you so tired
 building intestinal fortitude
sudden loss in cabin pressure
first pull up   then pull down
firmly    pulling toward you
place over your nose and mouth
 over the toilet seat breathe normally
provided by management for your protection
help yourself    before you help those around
you drop the kids off at the pool deposit in the
 collective unconscious withdrawals happen
involuntarily        across sleep state lines
on the plus side negative ions are good
 that’s the smell of falling water
manmade lakes ache for fish
when the shit goes down
rock   paper   scissors
don’t worry about it
the   long   and
the short of it

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

golden age

August 6, 2009

Kim Klein photo

RAGBRAI photo casserole click slide show O

Kim Klein

Becky Gietzel

Matt Averill

Allison Brummel

Pat Boe

Dale Conui

Bill Brady & Chris Murray



click to view

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

ouija squeegee

August 4, 2009

millions of people have never been to Spokane
commemorative shot glass Expo 74
matching purple plastic back scratching
ashtrays all around
one big bag of motion sickness
contents may have shifted during shipment
50% off full retail
variation on a theme
strip stripe striation
fake wood paneling squeegee
channeling Ouija board spirit conduit
follow the attention deficit expressway
seven miles south merge left
right on target focus
unbelievably petty conversation
pancake makeup thick foundation
hairspray lip gloss lotion perfume
empty promise   idle threat
talk talk shock & awe
attractive distraction appetite suppressants
prolonged boyhood adolescence
natural progression  billing cycle
praying to the landlord
racing the rent check
in a ‘71 Monte Carlo
drown it out or quiet the mind
the crack of a roadmaster
echoing off office plaza walls
clear skies clear conscience clear the board
full circle like a second hand
brand new to me lunch break
front brake stopping power Mathauser
heaping helping self control moderation
celebration inebriation light rail station
jackhammer jack mormon jack and the beanstalk
this little piggy went to market
where inflation continues to 165psi
change the subject      
aye aye
bread & circus dancing bear wild hair
smokestack flapjack unexpected heart attack
sleeveless shirt short skirt amazing flirt
the bailiff called    angry voicemail
her working copies smell like beer
landscape architect mechanical engineer
fear itself really nothing to fear
theorize brown eyes oxidize rust
battleship relationship building trust
repeated repeatedly forever
aftertaste precursor

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the illusion of the past and the future

August 3, 2009

Matt Averill photo

A little more am is are

easy on the was were

don’t sweat the can could shall should

forget the may might must and

the there and then the where and when

how about here and now

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the distinctively clean crisp taste that says...

August 2, 2009

around here
up there where
the beer matches the bikini
Pacific Northwest alpine lake
perfect     product     placement

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


August 1, 2009

popsicle sick

July 30, 2009

front seat on the short bus
low profile neon camouflage
delicate dainty double wide single serving
 glass of box wine on ice
schlepping shabby chic
 another issue of life quality
sweeping the dirt floor thoroughly
touristy Chihuly sincerely omg
hands free blue tooth uncouth   so six weeks ago
antibacterial broccoli cheese potato
individually wrapped cherry tomato
non slip adhesive strip
non fat decaf extra whip
dark chocolate      no fluffy trendy shit
business casual cutoffs
four wheel drive in theater
Volvo Valvoline Vaseline Vulva
nonstick chapstick dipstick chopstick
Jesus H Christ   popsicle stick
soft warm melted cheesy    it just got too easy
built in handicap tacked on piggy back
self inflicted equalizer
six of one half dozen the other
shampoo effect preconceived notion
you know the deal    it puts the lotion
Blue Angel food cake under claw foot tub
housed like Lee Majors like major lee housed
more before noon than most people do all day
adopting public space for personal use
step into my office but don’t stay awhile

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

product placement perspiration

July 30, 2009

Patrick Boe photo

career decisions   lifestyle choices
like riding a bike or choosing not to

½ step away from the fetal position
get in the drops  bring your knees in

1 for the road = 1 to grow on
1 IPA = 7 Bud Lights

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

you could fry an egg on it

July 29, 2009


If a Heat Wave is predicted or is happening do the following:

  • Slow down and avoid strenuous activities. If you must do strenuous activities, do it during the coolest part of the day, which is usually in the morning between 4AM and 7 AM.
  • Stay indoors as much as possible. If air conditioning is not available, stay on the lowest floor, out of the sunshine.
  • Electric fans do not cool the air, but they do help sweat evaporate which cools the body.
  • Wear lightweight, light colored clothing. Light colors will reflect away some of the sun's energy.
  • Drink plenty of fluids, regularly and often.  Your body needs fluid to keep cool.  Drink, even if you do not feel thirsty. Water is the safest liquid to drink during heat emergencies. Avoid drinks with alcohol or caffeine in them.  They can make you feel good briefly, but make the heat's effects on your body worse. This is especially true about beer, which actually dehydrates the body... [ light beer is OK]
  • Eat small meals and eat more often.  Avoid foods that are high in protein, which increase metabolic heat.
  • Avoid using salt tablets unless directed to do so by a physician.

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

ex post facto

July 28, 2009

back in the saddle   as if     I ever left
returning two too      to the scene
of the crime      exit stage left
95 in the shade     is it raining
or are you just happy to see me
sweating balls         sweet
who smells like beer here
on the elevator in your face
in my personal space
freedom the smell of
that which we call a prune
by any other name would cost the same
or more    dried plum stories
spoke protectors slightly off center
revolving egg shaped revolutions
will not be televised
check your reflectors’ vectors
limit screws screwed citing pilot error
the way you want it to be
the way it is               see
greater than or equal to the two
differences absences shortfalls excess
crank length 170-175 whatever it takes
Q factor shoe leather Velcro Shimano
pedal spindle cleat position Achilles tendon
what’s 489 miles between friends
between rivers  Missouri   Mississippi
please phrase your answer in the form of a question

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


July 28, 2009

on your left

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

...and another thing

July 27, 2009

This year RAGBRAI came with a wide range of Iowa weather.  Monday evening in the final pass-through town of Fontanelle a group of us huddled under a picnic shelter in a park wearing garbage bags for warmth and drinking icecold beer. We were waiting out the rain after getting soaked for a few hours on the road. I was prepared for 85 and sunny with brief showers. Not 60 and overcast with heavy rains. Watching the digital clock on the bank across the street tick away the minutes Jimbo proposed a plan to leave at 7:17pm and ride the last six miles into Greenfield, weather the rain stopped or not. We saddled up and rolled out. I was still wearing a five-foot long garbage bag and I hope somebody got photos so I can show some messengers that my shivering overcame my pride.

A short while later on a long descent my rear tire exploded. I heard the noise  but had no idea what it was until I could feel the backend of my bike squirreling allover the road. I guess I hit a rock. A rock I never saw coming maybe because I was drunk, it was getting dark, it was pouring rain, I was shivering or the crinkling ruffling garbage bag I was wearing distracted me. In any case the rocks in Iowa are not perfect little pebbles or polished river stones. They come from a more jagged geology and hitting one right or wrong will slash your sidewall instantly and cause a blowout (ask Matt)

I pulled off the road still to a driveway and a fresh-cut lawn to replace the tube. Tim stopped to lend me a pump but it was Schrader only so Bill came over and let me use his pump. I replaced the tube and blew it up, literally, in two seconds with Bills CO2 cartridge. Because of the big hole in the sidewall the fresh tube exploded. Perhaps I didn’t see the gash in the tire because I was drunk, it was getting dark, I was shivering, my hands were covered in grass clippings or the rumpling a the garbage bag I was wearing distracted me. So I put another tube in and booted the tire with a chunk of cardboard under the Mr. Tuffy hoping it would hold for 5 more miles.  Pumping it up by hand this time and riding onward gingerly. Bill and I rode together for about a mile when my rear tire exploded again. Out of spare tubes and ready to throw my bike in the ditch I got off and stuck out my thumb and almost instantly a car pulled over. It was an incredibly nice couple from West Des Moines and they gave me a ride into town all the way to our campsite. They even tried to give me a couple spare tubes.

In four consecutive RAGBRAIs I had a total of zero flat tires. So this year I got the big payback with three in thirty minutes.

The sound of exploding tires left me a little gun shy on long descents for the rest of the week.

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

looking California feeling Minnesota remembering Iowa

July 26, 2009

Like Leonard Cohen said, “I ache in the places where I used to play” after a bike ride across Iowa sandwiched between plane train automobile and bus travel from Seattle and back, another busman’s holiday is in the books.

The average age of a pilderwasser is higher than you think. But we can still get the job done efficiently effectively and effortlessly to the untrained eye or at least attractively to anyone else who might be watching with a few beers along the way, from Iowa Indiana Minnesota Wisconsin Oklahoma California Washington Texas Massachusetts and much much more… pathologist physical therapist attorney paralegal legal messenger professor engineer large animal veterinarian massage therapist
human being

chronology stratigraphy
recollection   sequence of events
blur drunken haze humidity dew point
seven days…five years
exhausted depleted dehydrated
storm warning take shelter
thunder lightening rain wind
hail stones pinging off a steel bike at 3:30am
tent poles sleeping bags baggage tags
trains train whistles train tracks
headwinds hills heat index
rumbles rough roads ruts rain
wet socks sweet corn
pulled pork portable toilets portable showers
five dollars please six with a towel
sun screen sunburn sun glasses
farmer tan biker tan t-shirt tan
glistening lumber vertebrae peeking over spandex
ice cold beer   red hot chamois
butt butter
over use injury
enflamed Achilles tendon
all you can eat buffet
sausage egg & cheese biscuits with lite beer
elevation gains losses climbs descents
on your left you’re on my right
car back car up - up in your face pacelines
gatorade water walking tacos
maid right loose meat pork tenderloin
potato salad peach pie pickle juice
hot dogs corn dogs farm dogs
Pastafari Mister Porkchop Mamma Raphael
Frankie Junior pilderwasser still likes cheese
beer garden beer tickets beer store beer cans
coozie coozie coozie

stories later
With a few photos and links to thousands more  


3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


July 15, 2009

check back in seven to ten working days

they call it RAGBRAI


5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

what's your 20?

July 15, 2009

It was a radio-free Bastille Day
at Happily Legal Messengers
one original and two copies
according to the cover letter
proper paperclip placement
the right tool for the job
he’ll see you in Bellevue
the gummy sticky residue
building up     coming up
crosswords everywhere
not looking for conversation
 please respond with your location


6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

psychosomatic malt liquor soliloquy

July 13, 2009

everywhere all the time all at once
ubiquitous constant simultaneous

say Chop-Chop      see what happens
Carhartts are broken-in when the ass blows out

nothing to complain about
shut up       and or       life is good

pinching pennies on Tuesday
living large on Wednesday

legislating malt liquor away
on a trolley to nowhere

soliloquistic bike journey through the city
hills so steep they put cleats on the sidewalk

lost and found what's that sound
the pigeon died of old age

the Metro bus squashed it
the crow ate it

one giant pile of shit
separated into several smaller piles and filed

pills producing side effects
precipitating more prescriptions

it’s not stealing if it’s on the floor first
it’s not littering if it’s in the parking lot

good for the goose
no good for the bookkeeper

selling space heaters in Miami
coo coo ca-choo Mrs. Robinson

we can e-file Kings for you
Pierce and Snohomish too

denim on top of more denim
casual Friday six days a week

can’t drink that shit it’s psychosomatic
fake stick shift six speed automatic

taken out of context and into another
placement           replacement

logistics planning engineering
free-wheeling u-lock from the hip

respecting what you used to be
expecting what you could be

one lonely key
second time around

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

rush round trip

July 12, 2009

 it's like this and like that and like this and   

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


July 11, 2009

Like riding a bike
Like a cop with a moustache
Like peanut butter and jelly
Like Lance and Dr Ferrari
Like a kosher dill pickle
Like a poster child
Like a frozen lake
Like syrup of ipecac
Like-like    like really like
Like an inside job
Like the xiphoid process
Like you know what you’re doing
Like you mean it
Like controlled demolition
Like a hot knife through margarine
Like a washed up rock star
Like the Heimlich maneuver
Like a fish needs a bicycle
Like shooting fish in a barrel
Like taking lunch at base everyday
Like wild horses couldn’t drag me away

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

who wants an orange whip?

July 10, 2009

office space

July 10, 2009


July 9, 2009

white noise all around drowning out the color
beige on taupe on khaki tan light brown
middle of the road week weak dull drab lame    
stale boring dry expired       dogpark politics
as seen on myspace     as if it’s important
like the poppy seeds in your teeth
bladed spokes   anodized nipples
slicing through the wind        meaningful
decaf soy latte sweet n low     substantial
your Elvis burrito has left the building
the juice the vig the house     housed by 5:00
strong to the finish if you eat your spinach
getting to you       letting you do
setting the tone    letting you own
no-handed wheelie pissy poopy pants
happy happy       joy joy
peachy keen in between here and there
unfortunately         the dog has no hair
fresh out         fresh air
hoppy hoppy IPA     eh
freedom’s just another word for
what’s that smell?

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

oh-so happy hour

July 9, 2009

inert inept overt regret
rewind replay relive relief
replace every 20,000 miles
self destructive self promotion
over the counter  off the shelf
on top of old smokey
under the radar
oh-so stealth

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

beezy weezy

July 8, 2009

same shirt same shoes same service
same route   different day
pushing the river
upstream uphill upwind
against the grain
all bent out of shape   distortion
misperception  misdirection  recollection
complimentary contrasting colorfully
savant laser focus to detail attention
all wrong  mountainous molehills
arising amounting to nothing
counting beans   beanie-weenie
beezy weezy    trained monkey
replaced easily for less money  
pissy whiney bitchy crusty
salty dried up old messenger
save it      scan it   e-file it
working copy to the judge
hold the mayo
hold it near
keep it warm
keep it to yourself
please advance any and all fees necessary
obtain one exemplified copy ASAP
of each and every life issue of quality  
upon receipt return immediately
and of course    bill us accordingly  
the Prius effect in full effect all around
Puget sound   structurally sound
on paper     theoretically
Look honey, Poor People!
credit card debt standing out
outstanding obligation
open container citation
repeat minor traffic violation
seventeen minute standing ovation

ultimate reality and its ideal manifestation

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

is that all there is?

July 6, 2009

that water tower on the horizon

July 6, 2009

state patrol closed the beer garden
so we’re on to the next town

drafting a gigantic paceline
floating along at 27mph

spinning softly
going gumby

keeping pace
no wind in my face

only smells of summer
sunscreen and chamois butt’r

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


July 5, 2009

attention span

July 3, 2009

...you'd wish that you were in my shoes

July 1, 2009

There will be no dress rehearsal
There will be no stunt double

There will be no Buckys training day
There will be no dry run    

There will be no phone-a-friend  
There will be no backup plan

There will be no practice test
There will be no grace period

There will be no second chances
There will be no window of opportunity

There will be      
a continental breakfast served in the lobby
complimetentary for building tenants only

up this high at twice the price it’s easy to see
suckers    buying one to get one free

the revolution will not be super-sized

after the locals leave
before the tourists show up

there’s a lull  a pause  a hiatus
that’s the place that is the place I want to be

reading at the low point on the meniscus
between two peaks a valley

the truth is out there
or maybe it’s in here



1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

beer gardening

July 1, 2009

the heat index on the pavement is 120 °F
but we need to stay for one more beer
because Team Gourmet just got here

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

nude descending staircase

June 30, 2009

open to outcome                 but
obviously attached to outcome
Dharma took a dump
what now      what else
no doodie bags to
pick it up
make it up      as you go  
get over it
grow into it
grow out of it
sit with it
yes    no    maybe
balance     give and take
counter-weight  compensate
bend it back
the other way
not better
just different
black tea    beans  toast
non-dairy creamer down yonder
back porches     front stoops
annoying Mini Coopers
queer PT Cruisers
clowns to the left of me
rookies to the right
here I am                 on E-file eve
with you

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


June 28, 2009

bratwurst burgers buns
baseballs blackberry bushes
bikes beers bottle rockets
smoke filled the air
you had to be there
individually wrapped slices
american cheese product
family sized ketchup bottles
industrial mustard yellow too
MD 20/20  bright blue
chips chips cherries
paper plates french braids
double stuff Oreos dipped in beer
overcooked keg of Prometheus
good to the last drop
Cool Guy Park
back on top

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

today is my Friday

June 26, 2009

Synchronized cycles. Across three zip codes. Two zone round trip ‘teener. Finely tuned traffic signals. Signaling. Visualize a long summer road trip in a van with five normal guys and one who enjoys BBQ flavored Corn Nuts. Across three time zones. There’s a very fine line. Between Washington and Idaho.  Keep it together. Unleash the fury. Microwave burritos. Vegetable protein added for texture. The need. The reason. The search for common ground. Connections. Michael Bolton vs. Kenny G. Copper Cross cyclocross. Chihuahua  Doberman collabo. It’s like so two years ago.  A real thigh slapper. Tambourine whacker. Pressure washer.  You know what I mean. Question mark.

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

pretty sneaky sis

June 24, 2009

that one thing that leads to the other thing
it’s not starting early         if you never stop
circular cyclical cycle
continuous continuum carousel
reaching for the golden ring
you have to believe we are magic
businesses doing well     thriving
lines out the door         at the liquor store
anything goes if the lead singer is attractive
location  location   location
sign here         where do I sign?
here… diagonally
the hard way   the old fashioned way    
uphill both ways
take the long way home
daddy owns the company
it’s not good enough    it’s too good
too much is never enough  it’s always too much
full on Kevin’s mom      and sister
summer associate season
fresh meat for the members  
in and for the county of King
residing in Seattle  et al   et ano   et tu     too
play it off the wall   play dumb
play it by ear     play it again
do that to me one more time
time flies    small fries
wake up call    reminder     equalizer
humble pie ala mode    choad checker
a moment of reflection     correction
superficial attraction an additional subtraction
keeping score for real really this time
deep into the third chucker
sticky wicket Wednesday

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

free for all

June 24, 2009

One foot. Two feet. Red foot. Blue feet. Satisfaction guaranteed. Double-butted. Oversized.  Ovalized. Friendly. Condensed tomato paste. Add MSG to taste. Wholesome and delicious. All you can eat. By the pound. By the book. Buy the book. It lasts longer. Take a picture. Take a furlough day. It’s coming up hairballs everywhere.  No shirt No shoes No shit.  Sheet metal screws. Upholstery tacks. Goof-off.  Industrial strength. Acetone. Set the tone. Giving the dog a bone. There you go. Prosciutto. Holy Swiss cheese. You got it. Wholly. All the way. Way. Provide three forms of photo ID. Empty your pockets. Price check on aisle four. For Guinea pig bedding at $3.29. She’s a friend of mine. How do you walk around with those things? Apply additional shipping and handling fees. Please. Pleased to meet you.
Please return to your designated cubicle
Carry on

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Jimmy's BBQ Pit

June 23, 2009

try to work a bit of your daily life into RAGBRAI

on your left

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

if you park your refigerated truck in my office

June 22, 2009

multi-tasking   half-assing
three things at once
the same mistake made
again then again    three times
subdivided attention     
beautiful Zen-like complete
absence of comprehension
zero information retention


bikelane to the danger zone
setting you up to get doored  
no really     that really is horseshit

the shortest line takes the longest
express lane with the slowest checker
takes forever          and ever
15 items or less     more or less

traffic mitigation devices
road furniture popping out
invoking worn out Helen Keller jokes
evoking nursery rhymes    sometimes


low rent ambulance chaser
hair club for men charter member
double breasted yellowing tweed blazer
wide lapels neither here nor there polyester
action slacks riding high past their prime
tasseled loafers pronating heels worn unevenly low
low overhead taken to lower lows
attorney-client privilege extended  
to the third floor courthouse men’s room
confidential conversation  handicap stall
speak up    flush twice    excuse me
counselor are those your originals
getting soaked near the urinals  

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

pay for parking

June 21, 2009

Take what you need
Don’t sell yourself short
With strict interpretations

reading from the gospel
according to John Forester

Vehicular cyclists
Setting their alarm clocks
Leaving early  so        so early
Anticipating traffic conditions
Where they’ll sit    stay      obey

To get in line
To wait their turn
The turn they earned             and then

Still get no respect
From motorists   and cyclists too
Would you

What the hell are they doing
In the left turn lane waiting
Through three light cycles

Putting themselves in danger
Pissing off everyone     along the way

Take the lane   take the gap
Take the turn   take it easy

It’s not hard

Get used to it
Get over it
Get on with it

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

take a bigger big big bite

June 20, 2009

recurring nagging injuries
often aggravated by overuse
riding bicycles or barstools
recycling the residuals
building on a strong foundation
playing off a solid baseline
starting over
taking a healthy lead this time
scribbling outside the lines
humidity  acidity  stupidity
is that a tattoo? can I see? 
serendipity consistently
where’s the Cheesecake Factory?
viscosity curiosity fecundity
living in the city
are you kidding me
the way it should be
they want you to believe
convert to digital    ASAP
eating whatever they’re feeding
things go better when 
walk the line
all in your mind
all up in my face
once   twice   three times you’re crazy
cleaner than soap   fresh as a daisy
downwind of an overcooked dumpster
between the lines
four out of five dentists surveyed
recommend sugarless gum
for their patients who
drink beer
all the better        to eat you with
red riding hood fits just right
goldie locks jack in the box 
shrink to fit tourniquet
wine bottle role model
half full      half empty see
what happens when

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

smell it from here

June 19, 2009

I plan to screen a few random shirts for RAGBRAI (which is I know an officially licensed term belonging to the DesMoines Register) to trade at a pilderwasser collective relative discount. There are no profits here, therefore there is no reason to cease or desist. All “proceeds” will be redirected immediately into the Iowa economy in the form of beer money. Moving in the general direction of west to east but not necessarily on the most direct route. Squeezing 500 miles out of a 300 mile state.  Taking only photographs, leaving only empty cans.


4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

expedited horseshit is still horseshit

June 19, 2009

We gotta bring our A game and really step it up on D
If we take things one day a time you know like I said
They’re a great team we can’t look past them
They like to run but if we control the tempo and
Execute on special teams we can play with anyone
Don’t count us out just yet



certified   exemplified    unsatisfied
we made five attempts
we tried
shit happens     and then     you
call a messenger to clean it up

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

this space intentionally left blank

June 18, 2009

Todd McMeen photo

Craig Etheridge photo

Seattle meets the other white meat

Global Gutz 6/20/09 all over the world...       1pm in Seattle 

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

her story is history

June 17, 2009

1001 was the SeaFirst Tower

999 was the First Interstate Tower

1201 was the Washington Mutual Tower 

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

surfing sidewalk

June 15, 2009

no causation    no compensation
just a truckload of correlation  
seriously      sidewalk surfing
comes naturally
when you get to be my age
saliva-soaked perforated page
dog-eared by the cat
Polaroid popsicles
taste fine      to a feline
hiccups        hands down
your pants    down around
your ankles swollen sore red cankles
spoons full of sugar
help the insulin go down
heart palpitations   chest pains
who doesn’t like presents      but
what we have here is     too much future
not enough presence
the doctor said       try
to work a little RAGBRAI
into your daily life
I said        cool
did you learn that in med school
I have no desire to see your excrement
please           please read the fine print      
that thing and that thing
could get together and hook up
producing viable offspring
same species                          amazing

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

in vino veritas

June 15, 2009

 an alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do

-Dylan Thomas


1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

just riding along

June 14, 2009

jockey pulley
freewheel coast
to coast of course toast
falls to the floor
jelly side first
situation sticky
two-sided tape
auto reverse
one more time
around back where we started
satisfaction  completion  rotation
position       orientation       location
what’s your 20?
doesn’t matter
do it again
round trip
bring it back
come to base
same old  same old
resources  available
looking  better  than  ever

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

me me me

June 13, 2009


June 12, 2009

For-ty /fáwrtee/ noun

things are gonna change I can feel it

Maintaining a professional appearance with consistent locknut lip clearance. Sweet & sour pork triple clamp fork front suspension of disbelief. Loose balls, bearing jars of pickled herring. Brass nipples shits and-or giggles. Crank arm extractor. Ask Vogel about the chicken tractor.  Nine dollar Madrona cupcakes. Poorly adjusted cantilever brakes. Headset press. Barefoot summer dress.

Cycling computer. Psycho commuter. Hose-clamped milk crate douche bags expecting respect from bungee-corded pickle bucket Dexter Avenue warriors. Fluorescent yellow jackets lineup. That light was red suck up. Heads up. On your left all around. Fixed gear conversion virgins whack track standing. Vehicular cyclist charade. Early-June chuffer parade.  

Thin ice. Poor advice. T-shirt tan. Window fan. Be kind please rewind. Your credit card has been declined. Forget full retailing smooth sailing. Forty hour work week too much tongue in cheek.

It will all make sense behind a white picket fence.

23 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Japanese Maple

June 10, 2009

insurmountable obstacles
warm drippy fudgesicles

walk toward the light
except at 801 2nd

getting on an elevator
might lose you

it’s a slippery slope
can’t set a beer down up top

use the bottle cage
roadmasters feel fine

expansion joints shrink to fit
soliloquistic journeys   cheese

premeditated responses
less than half a conversation

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

In the weeds

June 10, 2009

take it to the next level
take the stairs
leave it in the mailroom
leave it alone
50% off one day only
x-ray proof lead suits
keep the bad stuff out
and the good stuff too 
for the Morton Salt girl
or the Gorton’s fisherman
rubber rain jackets
make sense
trust me
wear a tin foil hat
so they can’t read your mind
pesky dispatchers chirping in
punctuating spans of attention 
respond with your location
relax   rewind  reload  refresh
whiter teeth   fresh breath
ask me
about my learned helplessness
a body at rest remains at rest
inertia like stasis
tastes like chicken
feels like  been here before

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

riding round town with the flap tucked in

June 9, 2009

for more information see http://\\www.DANKbags.com

any further questions...who you gonna call?

I'm just the messenger, don't blame me  

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


June 8, 2009

routine run-of-the-mill
strictly standard stock
production pedestrian
over the counter  available
Chihulyville garden weasel
kybo scented air freshener
automatic pez dispenser
waterless urinal retrofit  
aerosolized poop droplet
slingshot electron orbit    
cheap perfume ashtray station
bike rack smoker gravitation  
procedure protocol parameter
tolerance limit error
no place else to go
rosin   more rosin on the bow   

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


June 8, 2009

be more like cousin Milicent
get out of the house get a job

getting older slowing down
partly age rosemary and time

one small pack of gum
one giant 30-pack of beer

all the digits were there
dyslexically bedazzled       out of order
going down in history
with the wrong number

genuflected in the mirror
off the glass and into the net

bar stool philosophizers
bar end shape shifters
third trimester beer gut t-shirt
tucked into Motorola bib shorts

I am not talking typical Cap Hill hipster rude
I am talking want to deck a bitch rude

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

where did last years lessons go?

June 6, 2009

cycling on the margin of utility

June 6, 2009

                       i guess
           all bets
are off

i’m thinking

you'll never do that again

until next time

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


June 5, 2009

 catch & release
thrill of the chase
the jig is up as high as a kite
as free as Lynyrd Skynyrd
as  the  crow  flies as seen on TV
as you were    carry on
overheard      overhead
under the seat in front of you
right there         left here
lost and found and lost
again              every single day
go out and play      now
a major motion picture
act maintain keep it up
façade       consistently constant
so full of shit it’s

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

me & Helga down by the schoolyard

June 4, 2009

Gary Turner Track Bike          SOLD!        
the Ballard Crit is this Saturday
Helga will be at the SAM all summer.  She knows whats up

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


June 4, 2009

in the shade across the street from the beer store...

you can still hear the music from the beer garden

apply liberally and evenly as often as necessary 

bring plenty of alcohol-free baby wipes and

keep your tires inflated to the recommended PSI

looking forward to RAGBRAI

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

something even more substantial

June 3, 2009


June 2, 2009

precious cargo bulk no extra charge next day same day tuesday long day that’s no problem we’ll be right there right away right right it all pays the same pancake breakfast twice a day ex parte  flat rate scoop poop clean-out regular run runs poopy doodie process service pays the bills e-file the hard copy icky yucky copy to the judge right away right of way my tummy hurts

don’t get your andiamos in a bunch
It’s Court Reporter humor
Get it?
Neither do I                 but
It’s worse when you lie about it
That’s bike messenger humor
Get it?


3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

With It or On It

June 2, 2009

Chris Murray photo

wouldn’t want your job
what day is this

thought I had $10.00
but it was five folded over

life is a bowl of cherries
watch out for the shits

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

turn it up

June 1, 2009

feeling gun shy
    go to the shooting range
with such high expectations
a simple cinderblock structure
out on the edge of town
and into the fire

another pitcher bartender
turn up the music
 drown out the noise
noise gets louder

mutually assured destruction
in a race against time
strawberries start bleeding
bananas go bad

 celery feels flaccid
out of the frying pan
and back into town

 with such high expectations
on a month-to-month lease

between the lines

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Get in the drops!

May 30, 2009

don’t take the law in your hands
use your U-lock

cute won’t get you to the next intersection
exhale only single-handedly hard candy

take responsibility for your actions
spicy virgin               bloody mary

picnic basket in the rain
totaling less than some of its parts

tumble dry on high 45 minutes
or more   baked in body odor

refrigerate after opening
closed for remodeling

dehydrated at the local watering hole
before the sun went down

every interaction a potential conflict
around the block culture shock vapor lock

long walk strung out plastic bags
full of frozen mixed vegetables

brussels sprouts don’t do it for me
blame it on family          it’s genetic

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

we've isolated the source of the problem

May 29, 2009

glycogen stores on every corner

May 27, 2009

looking to the future of a redshirt kindergartener

hand made with love by a Chinese prisoner

Thursday May 28          7pm                 Hugo House 

 Cheap Wine and Poetry

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


May 27, 2009

All the
promises lying
there with their
fingers crossed
all the ingredients
they’re there with their
ratios wrong    sequences switched
ramen noodle so-called beefy  
chunky leafy crispy sleepy
minty fresh     tuna fish
cuddly cactus   karate chop
fig newton    photo op
authentic insincerity
pharmaceutical saccharine
lo-cal southern comfort  grenadine
caffeine free maraschino cherry
chill & serve in a flared flute glass
guy at the bar         what’d he say            
credible source    seen him here
some       call him a regular
crushed velvet  red leather
alternating stripe progression
concentric circle downward spiral
force field flex           proximity
he is not my dog   Luke
I am your father
starring role sounds better
stale roll   no butter
keep in mind   caloric intake
go easy on the front brake


0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

chill & serve

May 26, 2009

back to work to get some rest
slow motion rewind
six Mondays rolled into one Tuesday
blurred recollection of events in question
unable to confirm or deny any allegations
extended weekend of RAGBRAI training
time measured in 18-packs
distance metered to nearest beer store
space mapped on the grass in the shade
rode my bike a little bit     too
to watch other people ride theirs      a lot

core whore time trial track stand skid alley cat
main race free style grass track bike polo
add beer to taste
repeat as needed

King Superior bumped E-file back to July 1

party like it's 2009



as they say in Cowlitz County

when in Rome...                                  ...suck it

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


May 25, 2009

You feel that
Not yet 

You smell that
Neither do I

Those rules
No longer apply

You hear that

You see this

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

take a moment to locate the exit nearest you

May 24, 2009



click to view

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

fishing logging and boeing

May 23, 2009

the WestSide is in motion

someplace on the coffee-beer continuum

still drunk or


like that

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Sunday morning easy like

May 21, 2009

 like Memorial Day weekend

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

ordinary tooth fairy

May 21, 2009

lefty loosey
tighty whitey
apple juicy
kinda dicey
extra spicy
bloody mary
tooth fairy
light airy
walky talky
dry chalky
beef jerky
sucky sucky
chutney slushee
hokey pokey
named Smokey
wild turkey
dark murky
high  mighty
fight or flighty
righty tighty

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


May 19, 2009

grapevines grow strong in these parts
anything    you   say   was   used
against     you   yesterday
that  which giveth that
which  taketh  away
cuts  both ways
it’s a two-way
radio  bro
it’s one

hissing car tires
on rain covered streets
revealing      suggesting
wardrobe decisions
no need to look out the window

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

lost & found

May 19, 2009

Thomas Chapel photo

Upon first inspection at the One U bike rack I thought this bike was abandoned and someone had already stripped the chainrings.  Crack head thieves know it, as well as highly trained bike thief surgeons selling stolen organs on the black market…there is usually a bike stripping protocol, a hierarchy of needs or a resale value evaluation. Quick easy practical expensive. Following a normal progression that gets more involved as specialized tools become necessary for removal.  When presented with fresh bike carrion, chainrings are rarely the first bite.     

Tom took a closer look and got this photo.

Later that day I saw the same bike at 1201 and noticed the lock job.  

Perhaps the guy just wants to get on BikeSnob.

I suggest a more practical solution. Leave the chainrings on so can actually ride your bike. You can then lock up at a secure bike rack with a  trusty Master lock by placing it around some cable housing or a shifter cable on the downtube.

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


May 18, 2009

listen up loosen up harden up
there’s a screw loose in the dual pivot
splash some apple juice and get over it
three days ago            there they go
brake pads squealing like Ned Beatty
a pretty mouth       you sure got             
you don’t want to be that guy
but it’s too late      you already are     
take a number       get in line
now serving: nine hundred ninety-nine
Memorial Day     but soft    what light  
through yonder window breaks
it is the WestSide      and so on
dust off your white shoes
prepare to pay more at the pump
rub it in            sunscreen
streaks on your cheeks
me gusta mucho
douche bags in name tags floundering
jaywalking upstream to the Convention Center
not from around here   I reckon
getting stupid in all new ways
29 years ago Mount St. Helens blow    
blown up    shown up    grown up

today was my Monday

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

goes a little something like this, it

May 17, 2009


May 16, 2009

preexisting condition
taken out of context
in situ - in the bag - in the kitchen
a second dance of first impressions
astroturf grass stain rug burn
no sunflowers   no baby Schnauzers
por favor       get what you pay for
passing through     throw a pass
on third down two six-pack rings
chain ring tattoo reaction
empty can full of suggestion
insert one more beer here or here

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the rain let up, the sun came up

May 16, 2009

Thomas Chapel photo

the morning after  beer garden
bike Led Zeppelin II work day

not new or improved
old with nothing to prove

in the Twilight Zone
or Puget Sound Plaza

that’s not a tattoo
it’s road grime

going up to 43 just to take a pee
seriously           and it stoned me

dental hygienists everywhere
all I wanted was a Pepsi

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

smells like Iowa

May 16, 2009

same tandem different year, Chris Murray photos

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


May 14, 2009

black & white & read

May 14, 2009

The future is now neo-retro
Grown men in short pants

Take care of  those magic beans
Long story short              

Cutting your toenails at a coffee shop
No     but I know someone who would

Step into my office
Make us all look bad

Operating on the baseline assumption
They know what they’re doing

Insert one or more of the following
[won’t    always    will    never]

What was your first clue
The reflectors on your Timbuk 2

Equidistant between Madison and Marion
One way or another

It's neither here nor there       but
It’s OK   she’s Canadian

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


May 13, 2009

lying on the grass         staring at the sky 

you may find yourself
in a place where

Can’t Do
Can’t Do Without

and you may ask yourself
how did I get here?

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

one two one two

May 12, 2009

a bike messenger and a pay phone
What year is this?

12 years ago today
was my first day
at Elliott Bay
07 Mark                      I was
on a Rockhopper with bar ends and
required to wear a skanky purple jersey
on a day much like this one         except
it was 85 and sunny

Our radios were huge        bricks
Zone One was bigger         the biggest
Messenger bags were         smaller Timbuk 2

We had 15 riders in purple jerseys and vests
Fleetfoot had 15 or more and more attitude
Buckys had 20 in blue helmet covers
ABC had 25 on company bikes
as well as:
Jet City
NW Legal
Seattle  Legal
Washington Legal       and
KnR was a guy named Art from Buckys
Halo was a guy named Fever from SeaLeg

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

do me a favor

May 11, 2009

All you fair-weather fans
keeping an eye on the forecast
the thought occurred Monday morning
dissipating faster than a poor metaphor
by Friday       it'll be easier
second nature       no second guessing
but that’s just between me and me
Bike to Work    Weak
listen here my friend
do me a favor and don’t do me any favors
make your presence known
clear your throat  ring a bell or belch and
stay away from me
nicknames will be assigned     in due time
you may not  choose your own

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

stiff link

May 11, 2009

donnie darko acid trip bunny hop

May 9, 2009

thanks to Daniel Wilson for the link

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

less than two weeks notice

May 9, 2009

the WestSide Invite starts May 22

and you are invited


1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

this time it's for real, really

May 9, 2009

Up north there’s a place    where
status quo goes       and goes
routine turns to superstition
habit becomes addiction
traffic patterns clearly visible
they say it will be memorable
a calendar date to commemorate
an anniversary to celebrate            some day
a real rain will come
wash the shit off my DANK bag
playing with fire for a year and a half
finally getting burned
did you expect retrospect
to smooth things over
amplitude includes both highs and lows
there’s an ebb in your flow
the universe is shifting slightly to the left
out of field goal range
showing punt formation
fourth down   giving up
throwing up   choking down
swallow it whole or get over it
treating each symptom separately
cannot possibly be            holistic
realistically  really  
for real

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

Siete de Mayo

May 7, 2009

Skunk & Brad are 13 years old today

and Foster is 27

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


May 6, 2009

at some point

routine becomes superstition

habit turns to addiction

status quo goes   then goes

traffic patterns clearly visible

perhaps it will be memorable

a calendar date to commemorate

an anniversary to celebrate

some day

a real rain will come

wash the bird shit off my DANK bag

playing with fire for a year and a half

finally getting burned

what did you expect

retrospect smoothes things over

amplitude includes both highs and lows

there’s an ebb in your flow

a subtle shift in the universe

there goes your status quo

left out of field goal range

showing punt formation

giving up on fourth down

throwing up choking down

treating each symptom separately

you cannot possibly be

holistic       realistically  


for real

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

like riding a bike

May 6, 2009

25.4 in a 31.8 world

the butt of square taper jokes

pushing round pedal strokes

smooth spandex shimmer

parallel pace lines

whooshing whirring

approaching from the rear

it’s all in here

shifting gears


dig deep

no downtube reach

to access the calories in beer

drink it

I know what

you did last summer

similar scenario

substitute the lingo

dissimilar metals

form a bond over time


the day


is the word in the

absence of anything


petty details

become significant


0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the raw & the cooked

May 1, 2009

it’s not the destination or the journey
it’s all imaginary
if A then B
always one more if when you then
the ending is a beginning
arrival  completion
graduation  certification
done finished accomplished
as if you reach a point and
hang it on the wall           stand back
admire the achievement
a point in space and time
that existed momentarily
but you let it pass
trying to focus on a thin slice
a cross-section of the big picture
somewhere on the cycle
between building up and breaking down
tuned up and dialed in
like the ultimate bicycle  
are you going to hang it on the wall
and talk about it or
are you going to hop on and
ride it to work

I open my eyes
and things calm down

it happened so long ago
 now it feels right

smooth scar from a carnival ride
cigarette burn in the naugahyde  

raw exposure turns to
seasoned experience

they say the patina is beautiful
but it started with an accident

9 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

pork products

April 30, 2009

chain suck

April 30, 2009


April 29, 2009

the certificate of service says
hand delivered via legal messenger
bearer of bad news
bringing the goods
from point A to point B
what’s the point

Hermes      messenger of the gods
herald from one world to another
on the road with travelers    
patron of thieves and commerce too
moving the good with the bad
moving right along
priming the pump
easing the constipation
peristalsis on two wheels

intermediary     go-between

vessel bearer harbinger
courier crier carrier
gofer schlepper runner
agent envoy emissary

showing the way
or leading astray
channel conduit passageway

it appears to me to be
a sealed envelope
a passport renewal application
a check for $3 Million
a marriage dissolution  
anyway either way all the way

the smell of freedom
cannot be duplicated or purchased
and is not included with the bicycle
or the wardrobe decision

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

C-203 ASAP

April 28, 2009

It’s not what she says
It’s how she says it

compensating for incompetence
with a preponderance of post-it notes

what will she do with all her free time
when she finally files electronically
she won’t need 14 post-its per document
labeled neatly
color coded
cascading perfectly
down the right margin
with ½ inch overlap

her messenger slips are
swirls and swatches
of tri-color hi-lighter
Special Instructions

her paper clips
are arranged neatly
sized appropriately
colors never repeated
within document sets
sent to the same destination

maybe she can refocus her energy
on preparing hardcopies
for the Judge
who doesn’t do that E thing
and wants a goddamn 3-ring binder
with index tabs and
color copies

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

Hella hangover

April 27, 2009

Excuse me Excuse me sir. What are you doing?
Said the Capitol Hill resident after the third wave of cyclists blew through Louisa Boren Overlook park.
I’m notarizing manifests.
For what?

I’ll give you what for.
Nice day for a bike ride, a corn dog, a beer and a new Hella t-shirt hand made in Seattle one-at-a-time one-of-a-kind. Nice view from my checkpoint. Raccoons the size of Texas living large in Interlaken. A curious bounce board photo shoot. Curious North Capitol Hill bystanders standing by made it hard to take a piss in the park. Had to call in Jewell for backup.

Three manifests. Picks. Drops. And bonus points for things like tennis balls, road turtles, bricks, g-strings and 40oz of St Ides, which is not icecream and is not available on the hill.

 go to phot-o-rama for more photos

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


April 25, 2009

All in
All there
All there is

no halfassness
no self consciousness
that’s learned later

learn from this
try to remember
blue frosting on your face
if that’s what it takes

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

make cents

April 25, 2009

not so subtle body language
look again
blind date or tired marriage
passion filled sparkle or
comfortable dependence
the shine wore off in 1986
proximity personal space
strangers neighbors coworkers teammates
buddies pals chums lovers
at the same table
in the same car
on the same corner
next to each other
guilty by association
the mind will find a connection
create a relationship
smooth things over

size em up
not quite fight-or-flight
still a valuable survival skill

images phrases photographs words
on the same page    in the same paragraph
you’ll figure it out
with or without punctuation
association juxtaposition connection

makes sense          if you want it to

makes something even if you don’t

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

bounce board

April 24, 2009

No best boy, no key grip, no gaffer, no cinematographer, no bounce boards, no cue cards, no caterer, no luxury trailer. Sometimes the sun comes out in Seattle. Sometimes. Shit happens. This is not a mayonnaise commercial.

This is real


or it was

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Main Street at Edwards Avenue

April 24, 2009

It’s easy to make fun of them
when you’re one of them
sophomore know-it-alls
 know it all
 I know
you are but what am I
takes one   know one
check   one-two  one-two
fair market value
the price tag ruined it for me
Clearance Sale
attention to detail
attention deficit
surplus inertia
 both ways
 bump on a log
golf ball on the moon

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

plumb bob

April 22, 2009

fabric softener
bike whisperer
pint glass lifter
shit whistler
get in line at nine
wait for it     just wait        wait
but get it there on time
higher highs      lower lows
whiter whites    mountain fresh
and improved               not
really   real reality       really
take the bull by the horns
wait here for the next bus
catch it in the tunnel between 3 & 6
or step into the street
to see if it’s coming
see what happens
on the flip side
the back side
the Second Avenue side
out of second chances     rookie
with it or on it
out of balance
out of whack
a full bubble off plumb       bob
tie a string to it
truly      untrue
a wobble a wiggle a waggle
a screw loose
a loose spoke         everybody knows
lying makes it worse
operating on the same principle
writing the rules
like an armored car driver  
without the 18,000 pound backup plan

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

HELLA Sunday Sunday Sunday

April 22, 2009

33 miles to the next town

April 22, 2009

Chris Murray photo

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

all you can eat

April 20, 2009

repetitive motion
repeated repeatedly          repeated
taken for granted
taken in stride
every day every week every year
until one day it’s taken away
until one day it’s no longer here
a change of scenery
a transfer order
a big orange bulldozer
route rote rut          routine
right      wrong again
right      then left and then
write wrote written down
normal wear & tear
catastrophic failure
your favorite sweater
just riding along
gut check     wakeup call
oil slick            nasty fall
replace divots please
melted sharp cheddar cheese
gentrification    renovation
give em 2.54 centimeters
they take 1.6 kilometers
pizza party poopy pants pillow fight
diced dill pickle pasta shell bottle neck
salad bar sneeze guard overspray baby corn
shake well before using
doing what needs to be done
achieving the objective
with the resources available
perhaps not the best tool for the job
bloody knuckle vice grip bike mechanic
How can I do it more efficiently?
How can I get someone to do it for me?
file it electronically        
if you want it done right
don’t call me

9 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

wouldn't want your job on a day like this

April 20, 2009

social science sawzall

April 18, 2009

re po
re pro
to and fro
you get it?
you got it
now give something back
it’s reciprocity bro
and so it goes

An anthropologist walks into a bar
around 11:45am in search of data
to support her thesis on drinking before noon
but the bar is empty
so she has a drink

There are 366 days in one leap year
A hogshead is 126 pitchers of beer

my rear dropouts are 126 mm apart today

A cubic foot of water weighs 62.425 pounds
13½ cubic feet of air weighs 1 pound

One meridian is 69.16 miles at the equator
A ream is 480 sheets of paper

A cord of wood stacks 8’ x 4’ x 4’
Caloric output warming twice

A furlong is 660 feet
A fathom is 6 feet

It all makes sense     
in what context
to and fro

I can see clearly now
The ERD of an ME14A

high flange straight gage laced 3-cross
brass nipples nestled neatly in eyeleted rim 

with a CXP21 radially laced up front
because I can
not too worried about failure at the flange
not too worried about fluffy trendy shit  

the smell of boiled linseed oil on a Saturday

What would Ron Sutphin do?

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

four one three oh Cro-Mo

April 17, 2009

Bananarama lyrics
will get you about six tenths of a mile

You kids are fast
which is helpful
when you fuck it up the first time

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

naked bootleg

April 16, 2009

Queasy like Thursday morning
Morning Edition     sore throat
three cups of black coffee
jumbo spicy chicken teriyaki
all up and down before 9:30
still wet behind the beers
no rain showers precipitate
running late      layered up
downtown downtube downshift
full-finger gloves    half-hour rush
Bob Edwards no longer works here
bad address cancel & return save the slip
obtain certified copy of the order
then take it to the Recorder
advance fees      please :)
call back in 7 to 10 working days
I’ll see what I can do
not to be construed       as
legal advice or counsel
call the attorney
don’t blame me

Left turn from the right lane
smooth sweep against the grain
naked bootleg in for a touchdown
bus drivers   linebackers left in the dust
the stamp says 16:28
 I know the score
it all pays the same

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Hella history

April 15, 2009

MorrisPost photo

Hella CornDog III   August 28, 2004

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

packaged stimuli

April 15, 2009

daily special
one plastic fork
two paper napkins
rubber banded
biodegradable clamshell to go
four more hours to go
twenty-four more years to go

return to your cubicle

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the revolution will not be anodized

April 14, 2009

Reviving old bagels with BBQ sauce
dipping in the name of chicken nuggets
inhaling stale pizza from 88 Lenora
counting calories
efficiently deficient
completely depleted
post-Easter recon mission
reception candy dish position
fragrant pleasant disposition
refined white sugar
bleached white flour
enriched white rice
lost at sea    white noise
servings per container ship
100,000 units made in China
loading and unloading only
restricted in the red zone
one call per customer
any available courtesy phone
they said the same thing
about the fax machine
please excuse our mess
we are open during recession
sweater vest just for breakfast
sensible shoes comfortable haircut
Christensen O’Connor Johnson & Kindness
   biscuits mopping up excess gravy
Lane Powell Spears Lubersky
Are you fucking kidding me
how can I get a job here
that person in the mirror
is closer than they appear
to the edge
answers may be found
next time around

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

about a half a mile or so

April 14, 2009

hocus pocus

April 13, 2009

Slept past my stop
forgot to get a transfer
front and center at the foot of the altar
Cathedral          stained glass sunbeam
illuminating Our Lady of What might have been
pinching rosary beads for What will never be
praying Patron Saint of Potential Unfulfilled   
racking up credits
on a pinball machine in a dream
feeding the feedback loop
shouldacoulda monster under the bed  
waiting                                 hibernating
another late night visit from the Regret Fairy
pillow sprinkled with magic indecision dust
                                    Hocus    Pocus
can’t say no
afraid to say yes
The fence makes the grass look greener
hard deadlines all in my mind
arbitrary expiration date
best if used by September 1997
commitment contract concession
giving up unlimited nights and weekends
offering anytime minutes anytime
replay the relationship conversation
never said
it goes without saying

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

rub some crayon on it

April 13, 2009

rub some dirt on it

April 12, 2009

Craig Etheridge photo

Hey Smokey

Her name is Anastasia

don’t limit yourself to
just the facts ma’am            I know
Smokey is a King Charles Cavalier
I can smell him from here

You really
should not be
drinking beer
on a Tuesday

Oh       OK       
thanks lady

Hey Smokey
when she looks away  
I’ll undo your Burberry jacket
and you can piss like a real dog  

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Hey Gandalf, nice dress

April 12, 2009

fluorescent lighting
dusty fake wood veneer
room temperature beer
plastic grass blowing in exhaust fan breeze
overexposed pink Peeps
incubating speckled purple candy eggs
ketchup packets warm mayonnaise

Happy Easter
Happy Beaster

 1954 4th Ave West -1993

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Wanna see my Control Tech stem collection?

April 12, 2009

A little bike swap in the park. We raised some cash for Bob and shuffled the collective energy in the local cycling community’s used bike part piles. I arrived with a bag full of old drop bars, brake levers, cantilever bits, a butchered B-17 narrow, back issues of kickstand and a few pilderwasser t-shirts. I sold a few things, traded a few and unloaded quite a few in the free pile. But I went home feeling better about the feng shui of my bike part buildup and a few more dollars in my pocket. I also adopted a sweet Alley Cat trucker cap, a couple more Control Tech stems and a TTT Columbus Nivacrom bulletproof steel flat bar. You don‘t see those everyday.

Thanks to Bike Bloc and Ryan et al.

 You can never have too many Control Tech stems


3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

get on the bus

April 10, 2009

pilderwasser collective
sizeable recognizable RAGBRAIsable
right now    right here
not just 7 days            all year
last year and the year before
next year and the year after
It’s not a team issue
It’s a quality of life issue
All roads lead to Grinnell
sunblock chapstick SPF 30
in the shade across the street
beer store beer garden beer gut
dual fuel pumps  
my bad    my bed    farmer tan
tent city camp ground fair ground
pass through overnight road kill beer garden
garden hose backyard houseguest
bicycles bananas bagels beer
right now right here                      again
municipal pool  carwash shower
apple pie ice cream popsicle
Kum n Go      mom n pop
pulled pork loose meat maid rite
sweet corn         as far as the eye can see

see you in July

9 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

elegant simplicity, or not

April 9, 2009

 Thursday means Mongolian Beef 
get there early
get in line

keep track of wait time

out ‘n back
double roundtrip

right where you started
holding nothing
standing by

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

gingerbread man

April 8, 2009

0.378...let's just call it Three Nine

Matching pair of escalators
Her ascent
My descent
Our eyes met in the middle
Glanced back but couldn’t look past
The toilet paper pasted to her pants

Sixth Avenue sidewalk
She strolled north
I rolled south
Smiles as we passed
Nonchalant head turn   
Four and a half feet later
I crashed
She pointed west on East Pike
East bound and down loaded up and truckin
alcohol fueled flirt on the
Fringe of Capitol Hill
I stopped and turned to talk about the weather
but she’d already rolled away

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Eglick Kiker & Whited

April 8, 2009

Buttercup told me

First you Floyd then you Pflueger

or you Skellenger & Bender

and then you Keller & Rohrback


6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

messenger will pick this up

April 7, 2009

breakfast combo

April 7, 2009

Old flames
unattended candles left
unintended results right
oily rags in a bucket
old charcoal on the deck
damp hay stacked in the barn
combustion not so spontaneous
burnt bridge reconstruction  
top to bottom
left to right
invisible in plain sight
backtracking clockwise
conservative traditional
predictable professional
confidential confessional 
archeological excavation
historic landmark designation 
sacred burial ground
don’t let me down  ###

You dig?

take what you need cherry picker
only the best leave the rest
combination breakfast
available all day

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

is there a Starbucks around here?

April 6, 2009

stir it up

April 5, 2009


April 4, 2009

Craig Etheridge photo

If it’s not a Greenfield
It’s not a Kickstand™

Best Selling in the U.S.A.
Greenfield's Kickstand enjoys enormous popularity. It's lightweight, durable, and looks great on any bike. Kickstand features: Certified Non-Corrosive Casting, Dual Spring Pressure Plate, Snap Action Mechanism, Non-Slip Clamping Surface, Hardened Steel Pivot Pin, Zinc Plated Screw, Calibrated Stem, and Solid Non-porous Casting. Weight: Only 266 grams

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Thank Bill it's Friday

April 3, 2009

I’ll have what he’s having

It feels as if 2 weeks worth of energy
will be expended in this 40 hour work week
and I’m only 32 hours into it  

A sense of satisfaction from a job well done
A sound slumber following a day of hard labor

Yeah…        …whatever

Tangible results, visible progress
in the form of
worn out brake pads
punctured tubes and
sore oblique abdominals  

Stuff to write home about

Look Ma no gloves

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

the right tool for the job

April 2, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has
turned on the shutthefuckup sign
Please remain seated for the remainder of the flight
Fasten your seatbelts and shut the fuck up

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

on line

April 2, 2009

Look honey, a legal messenger.

Isn’t that cute. You don’t see those much anymore. He’s like the paperboy we had back when newspapers were printed on paper. Or the milkman my mom always talked about. Or doctors on TV that made house calls.

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

elevator music up in your face

April 1, 2009

Stick around long enough and you’ll see some trends, patterns, repetitions. More of the same. Same as it ever was. Like the guy on the second floor blasting “April Fool” for April Fools Day, loud enough for the neighbors, who, if they were here last year or years before would know it’s been a family tradition since 1991 when some say Soul Asylum sold out.

Or, when building management at 1700 7th plays Christmas music in the elevators on April 1st.
This year, this time, today
it was appropriate because
Because it was fucking snowing

How ya like me now?

All up in my face

Personal space invaders
Elevator latte slurpers
Eye contact avoidance hesitation
Umbrella cell phone conversation
lunch hour clamshell migration

I’m invisible
but I see you       

Not you
you’re not from around here

Wealthy tourist shoppers
Weak American dollars
Spring break bro bras   bro bra-ing
Flip-flops shorts strolling        bro     
Straight outta Corvallis

Optimism denial stupidity
Toughness callousness dontgiveafuckness
Ignorance is this

Focused intensity
Rain/Snow mix
Highs near 40   

Watching three stiffs attempt to hail a cab
Obviously from out of town
Underdressed well and toting rolling carry-ons
Polite hand gesturing from the doorway
of the Logan Building
but they will not step to the curb in the rain
Not to muss well coifed hair
Not to wet  wool suits
How bad do they want a cab?
What time is their flight?
Maybe they could, they should
go back inside and listen to that
Nik Kershaw song again     one more time     
Maybe they could harden the fuck up    and
walk 85 feet up to 6th Avenue
to the Cab stand
full of cabs standing
lined up like
Oranges and Lemons

Stepped on an elevator
 doors close behind me
turned to face front
Oblivious to my surroundings
up to a point
On another level
It’s a survival skill                      duh
Next to you  or  Next to my mom
I wouldn’t acknowledge you  or   her
then I hear
“I’d much rather have your job
over any office job”  
Slowly,  I exhale and rise to the surface
of the you-talkin-to-me-pond
coming up for air
Making eye contact
with a young attractive office worker  
staring at her
waiting for the next line
the punch line         the catch
Then I say
I don’t hear that much on days like this

She says
Take the good with the bad

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

baby steps

April 1, 2009

I know you are but what am I
I know you are but what am I
I know you are but what am I
an eye for an eye
aye aye

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Where have you gone Jamie Buhl?

March 30, 2009

concentric circles cycling
recession ripples radiating
round & round
downtown   ghost town   trickle down
to a trickle
tweaking leaking toilets
provoking plumbing poltergeists
loitering in the loading dock
summoning spirits on the service elevator
taking shortcuts through the park
gazebo demons to appease
exorcised daily
daily exercise
spinning wheels   stationary bicycle
treadmill uphill        running in place
Progress (n. prog-res)  Progress (v. pruh-gres)
          - stagnate -
analog ideals erased
digital results recorded
according to schedule
running late
half step behind  or  half step ahead
just out of reach

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

golden ratio = 1.6180339887

March 30, 2009

I thought I was losing it

but I never even had it

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

is that for here or to go?

March 28, 2009

Progress with a side of gentri fries

looking back moving forward

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


March 27, 2009

How do I know you’re a messenger?

I guess you don’t

but why would I walk into your cheesy little CPA office in this Martin Selig building on a Wednesday morning dripping wet with a Nextel blaring on my chest wearing these thrift store clothes smelling like a wet dog wrapped in a chunk of beer soaked bong water cat piss carpet looking for an envelope for Mr. Richard Smoker less than 7 minutes after you called Mr. Smoker to let him know his tax documents were ready for pickup?

human hair

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

sweet berry wine

March 25, 2009

Cheap Wine & Poetry  

Hugo House

3/26/9   7pm

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


March 25, 2009

Victor VanEpps photo

Sally completed her dissertation and will defend her thesis on goats in Greek Mythology, earning her PhD. She will begin her new job at Café Ladro in April.

Derrick completed his GED class, earning a high school equivalency and will receive a pay increase. He has been the Vice President of North American Operations at Nintendo since 2002.  

I’m not really into video games
Goats are cool, I guess

What really matters?
Which is more important?
Will it all make sense in the end?

Sometimes I sit and think
Sometimes I piss in the sink

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

touched me in my bathing suit area

March 24, 2009

as if it was two way street
white line  dotted  line  bottom line
upstream uphill uptown
into traffic
against the grain       in the rain
consistently 12 minutes early
take  take            take

priorities choices decisions
Please select from the following
Only one per customer
All sales final

Happy hour here and now
Long term investment

Doing it right
What the client wants

Immediate odor control
Long lasting protection

          missed opportunity

You’re making promises
your messengers have to keep


¿cómo se dice ‘we can’t cover that’ ?

transition   crossover    interface
dissimilar metals oxidize       compromise
mucus membrane absorption           distortion

conversation exchange understanding

toe overlap chain stay crank length
ash tray trash can smoke break bike rack

pressure treated beauty bark
off leash dog park  

wet wool burnt hair stage race alley cat

             exit wound

Sacha Peet photo

A chain is only as strong as
the temp worker at the front desk


Shredding cross town traffic. Deploying ultimate elevator mojo. Working the US Marshalls with familiarity. Pulling strings. Doing things. Getting it done on time. Roundtrip. RUSH.    

24 hours later       it's
a classic example of a

Billy at reception misplaced the documents on the tail end of the roundtrip and now I’m getting blamed for it
I tore it up. Worked it.
USDC monetary
like a pro, an employee

Got the stamp the receipt the case number
Got the stamp the roundtrip the suite number

gave it to Billy

then Billy

Billy fucked it up

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

bike check

March 24, 2009


***Bike Swap***

Four One One...

Saturday April 11, 2009  3:33pm
Gas Works Park
$5 buy-in 
this money benefits Bob
Bring your bike parts to sell or trade
Bring your own beer
Bring your friends
rain or shine
a friend of Bob's is a friend of mine

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

stand by

March 23, 2009

Erik Jahnz photo

O, why don’t you work
Like other men do?
How in hell can I work
When there’s no work to do?

O, I like my boss --
He’s a good friend of mine,
That’s why I am starving
Out in the breadline.

                     --- The Little Red Songbook


1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

cup O noodles

March 22, 2009

Recently the Bridgestone has been whining and complaining and getting tired of riding to work. Creaking, clunking and knocking. Old and tired. The original owner rode it in one STP and put it in his garage for years before he put it up for sale in the Bicycle Paper. It featured almost all OEM parts when I adopted it. I rode it across Iowa in 2005 and rode the shit out of it downtown for a few years, mostly between King County and Pier 70. It’s been through various permutations in that time but now it’s going back to a moustache handlebar big fat gumwall tires on bombproof 36-hole Mavic G 40 rims with MKS GR-9 platform pedals and Sturmey-Archer toe straps --- über retro grouch hard anodized weekend warrior fair weather slow ride. Hold the Brooks saddle, I'll go with the original Avocet. The RB-2 has been pushed back, back in the lineup by a new addition. This lugged lilac Bianchi.  New to me. Adopted on Wednesday from Sebastian’s stable of surplus It’s from the same era as the RB-2 but has very few miles on it. I enjoy the feel of relatively new steel. Especially when compared to overcooked noodley tired bike frames. Yes. It’s ready to go to work.  The latest in a line of steel full fender flat bar road bikes. You might think it looks just like all my other bikes, because it does. Form follows function. Riding slowly on the sidewalks all day.  A tired old legal messenger’s bike. Similar to the Soma and the Surly and the IRO Not better than the Bridgestone but better than the Bertin As pretty and heavy as the Univega Made of pretty heavy quality Columbus tubing from Italy.

that's not the bike whining and complaining, that's me.

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the butcher the baker the soy mocha maker

March 21, 2009

If I was a bartender and you ordered a hot apple pear martini, I’d pour you a beer.

If I was a barista and you ordered a hazelnut frappuccino, I’d pour you a cup of coffee.

If I was a barber and you came in with your pattern bald beret and ponytail, I’d shave your head.

If I was a bike messenger and you told me to take an unsigned Stipulation and Order to the judge’s chambers and wait for the judge to sign it, then file the original and return a copy to you right away, I’d take it to the mail room and stamp the copy.

If I was a King County Superior Court Judge and the defense attorney said, “your honor, my client is without sufficient information and can neither confirm nor deny the allegation”  I’d say, “shut the fuck up counselor and let the guy answer the question” and if a bike messenger entered my courtroom with an unsigned order and expected me to sign it right away so he could file the original by noon, I’d stop the trial in session and wave the messenger up and ask him the name of the attorney that sent him to my courtroom and then I’d politely tell the messenger to drop the order in the judge’s mailroom and thank him for the effort and chat him up a bit about bikes or beer or both. Then I’d call the attorney that sent the messenger and give him a whole can of whoop ass and tell him his proposed order is horseshit.

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


March 19, 2009

the soldering soldier is always in flux
unfinished business
moving right along
parenthetical ellipsis

her lips is

Oh         to
visit the vermillion zone
and stay a while
let me
apply liberally and evenly
as often as necessary         and
reapply after swimming

there’s no such thing
all things being equal
insert variable
Plug & Chug       plug & chug

for best results dry clean
or hand launder
in lukewarm water

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

smells like April

March 18, 2009

red breasted robins singing spring

full kitted roadies snot rocketing


El Gato


Jason’s trailer was stolen from 4th & Seneca

It has very unique hand-built wheels.

Look for it.

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

take a picture

March 18, 2009

Craig Etheridge photo

At 7:04 am in Issaquah Peggy walks from the kitchen into the garage and plops in the Prius for her drive into Seattle where she works on the 41st floor of a 50 story office building and parks her car in a subterranean parking garage down on level D. She takes one elevator up to the lobby where she switches to another that takes her to 41 where she fidgets around and rustles papers and gives off the appearance of working for a couple hours then she goes down to the lobby for a soy mocha with extra whip which she believes will taste great with one or two of those cupcakes that Darlene brought in for St. Patrick’s Day. Darlene always goes all out on the Hallmark Holidays with colorfully coordinated festive outfits that appear to have been assembled when Jimmy Carter was in office. Today Darlene has a blinking green LED pin on her green turtleneck that says “I’m not Irish, kiss me anyway” Peggy is grateful for the distractions and glad to have one more reason to gather round the candy dish the cookies the cupcakes. The green cupcakes. The morning coffee break on days like this easily absorbs an hour.  Then she goes back to trying to exude that work-like appearance for a little while until lunch comes around and she can go down the lobby café for a cup of corn chowder with extra bread, a bacon cheddar croissant and a Diet Coke.  After lunch Peggy gets another coffee break and will then have a couple more hours of trying to look like she’s working. Then she can go back down to level D and plop in the Prius for the drive home. It was a good day. Darlene’s cupcakes were so good. She won’t tell her secret ingredient but Peggy is pretty sure it’s sour cream. That question hangs on in her mind and it never really occurs to Peggy that she didn’t set foot outside today. Or yesterday.  Peggy will not go outside this week.  She won’t see the sun. She won’t  feel the rain on her face. She will breathe only air that is cycled through the Prius climate control system or the building’s monstrous HVAC system installed in 1962 and overhauled once in 1985.  She wears a sweater and keeps an extra one at her desk. Peggy doesn’t even have a window on her floor and if she did it would not open.  Peggy gets what she needs through a 17” monitor on her desk.
5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

she's married now or engaged or something so

March 16, 2009

 transfer lobby
defense attorney
personal injury
good n plenty
all you can eat
sunny side of the street
overly optimistic
friend of a friend
love’s baby soft
teen spirit
old spice
fake wood paneling
hand tooled leather
time life series

eats clowns and leaves

keep your day job
So long to the Seattle PI

It’s going on-line-only
It’s been losing lots of money
Hearst doesn’t know what to do with it
because it’s never been done
67% of those surveyed
said they only buy the PI
for the crossword puzzles
84% said they like the
big globe sign and
expect Paul Allen to buy it soon
It was in the PI

it was


The Cave Sing, ers. Like so    two years ago

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Saint Ides of March

March 15, 2009

Thanks to Tom for this video  Beware the Ides of March

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


March 14, 2009

From day one, bicycle has been a recurring theme. Several years later beer joined in. The two go hand in hand and work well together in the context of utility cycling. They really shine when riding across Iowa. Even Milkshake’s Mom’s 5th graders could point that out. However, those quality of life issues are just dancing on the surface of discovery. The mother of all leitmotifs.  Asking questions. Questions that cannot be answered right now, right away, the right way, right or wrong, true or false, yes or no. If all the questions were answered I’d have nothing to say and there’d be no reason to go to work, no reason to leave the house, no reason to put pants on.
2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

alcohol funny car

March 12, 2009

In this case the wagon is like an arbitrary deadline with no logic or reasoning to support it. No parole officer. No medical reasons. No random drug testing program. No parenting agreement. It’s losing momentum and has a slow leak in the motivation sector. And because I said so only goes so far. It’s played out and has run its course. The goal for all intents and purposes has been reached.  The wagon is gently rolling to a stop and I plan to get off.  Just like I got on. Because it was there. Because it had never been done. Because I said so.

Aside from the obvious things like blood alcohol level and intoxication, diet, appetite, a liver like Jerry Garcia, caloric intake, monetary output, hydration and diuretics… I also paid attention to boredom, routine, routes, habits, reflexes, energy levels, sleep patterns, attitude, anger management and poopy pants.  Biological, physical, physiological, psychological, sociological, logical, intellectual, sexual and financial data were also collected, recorded and archived for use at later date.


George was another fixture in the bar, a salesman working, like me, in the furniture warehouse. He drank beer all day, chased with shots of peppermint schnapps so that his breath would smell fresh, as though he’d just brushed his teeth. Like most drunks he had the baffling notion he was getting away with it, fooling everybody. I felt sorry for George because he wasn’t fooling anybody and couldn’t see the truth, that he was being tolerated and temporarily ignored.

Brick Wall

Charles D’Ambrosio

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

The Hissing of Summer Lawns

March 12, 2009


Works Cited:

Joni Mitchell
Cool Guy Park
Burke-Gilman Trail
RAGBRAI ‘06 ‘07 ‘08
final photo by Chris Murray

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

on the ceiling

March 11, 2009

One paycheck away
Out on the street
Out of luck
Out of time
Out of town
Out of tune
Out of it
Out of your mind

Pilderwasser’s declaration in support of proposed order requiring all Metro and Sound Transit bus drivers to trade places with bike messengers downtown for one day, one Freaky Friday. Because I would love to drive an articulated bus up and down 3rd Avenue for one day with a smile on my face pinning those poor suckers to the curb on their janky bikes.  Get off the street get on the sidewalk. Get off the sidewalk get in the street. You like me now? How?

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


March 10, 2009

Out of context
Change of scenery
Same shit different toilet
What year is this
First stop this morning was
 last stop last night
Wipe the sleep from your eyes
15 hours just went by
like you never left
Move one position clockwise
Movement yes
No         regression
Spring forward
Synchronize your watches
Watch this

it is what you think it is
if you think it is

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Three Nine Day

March 9, 2009

50 - 11 = 39

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Pocahontas, Iowa - - - bake sale

March 8, 2009

“What?”  she petitioned

“pilderwasser”   I persisted

“What the hell does that have to do with bicycles?”

or everything
just like anything
it’s a quality of life issue”

I picked up a pitchfork and posed for a picture with the pigs. Then I presented the piano player with a pilderwasser plaque and a pack of precious pickles. Paula pretended to pet the poodle and puked in the pews while Peter pilfered another piece of pecan pie. Then we procured the Puch, the Peugeot and the Pinarello and proceeded to pedal past the pissed off pasty pastor with poor posture who was preaching at the pulpit. 


5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

not too high, not too low

March 7, 2009

That 3 gallon jug of water
makes your bag really heavy

You’re really thirsty
What are going to do now?

It costs 3 cents to make a penny
What’s the point?

Your headache medicine
Gives you stomach cramps

Your stomach medicine
Gives you diarrhea

Your diarrhea medicine
Gives you headaches
Think about it

actuaries count on       you not knowing
insurance companies thrive on paranoia
pharmaceutical companies won’t tell you
attorneys profit because you don't know

doctors are getting kickbacks all around

Your 5th grade teacher told you
and you didn’t believe her

4 gills = 1 pint
2 pints = 1 quart
4 quarts = 1 gallon
31½ gallons = 1 barrel
2 barrels = 1 hogshead

A beer & wine retailer suggests a ¼ barrel (aka pony keg) of beer for most parties and a ½ barrel only if you’re expecting 150-200 people to show up

I suggest a ½ barrel if you’re expecting 15-20 messengers to stop by

Some messengers can and will drink as much as 10 people

a keg of beer is only 15 gallons

Hey Steve, you can't see me right now but I'm flipping you off

9 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

...I must be mistaken I'm on Third Avenue

March 6, 2009


the early bird gets
there early

good things come
to those who sleep late

getting paid by the hour
ambitious as sweatpants

You fucked up this and this and that too
Said the $3 messenger
to the $400 attorney

Oh, thank you so much
for catching our mistakes all the time
You’re the best
That’s why we use you guys

Yeah, OK
Could you tell my boss
compliments don’t pay the rent


4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

step out of the car

March 4, 2009

My liver walks into a bar
The bartender says
is this some kind of a joke

Full suspension mountain bike
one inch tires   clip-on fenders

You like movies about gladiators?

More bread and plenty of circus
Distraction posing satisfaction
Wait in line for it
pay taxes on it
swallow it whole

suck it up
Dumb it down
Tune in digitally     HDTV

Pay attention
Attention to details
Every little thing that doesn’t really matter
Ignoring what’s important

What is important

Parallel 74’s powder coated
Providing plenty of parking
Predictable pesto pizza pies

The drummer has two first names
tired uninspired
Having trouble keeping up
keeping time falling behind

Clipping a pedal on the corner
of the big picture
Looking only as far as
the next red light
slam on the brakes
stomp on the gas

slam on the brakes





2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

oh my god - Shoes

March 4, 2009

 Dragon 2 Carbon SRS

Retail price: $539.99
Total with sales tax: $588.59

Don’t worry about the price. Worry about what people will think of you. Imagine how these shoes will look with your outfit, your gloves,  your eye protection, your helmet and your bike.  

I know these shoes will look great with my thrift store pants, my army surplus sweater, my road-score gloves, my 6 year old jacket and my beer-soaked DANK bag. I know these shoes will inspire chuffers to pass me on Dexter.  I know these shoes will make me a better messenger, a better citizen, a better person.

These shoes will revive the local economy.

These shoes will get this country back on its feet.



Danny Bonaduce says "let's get some shoes"

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

in situ

March 3, 2009

 animals from the enclosure often sit in the sun at feeding time


Act natural
Act normal
Act accordingly
You could just be yourself
Feign ignorance
Play dumb
Play nice

Is it raining?
The inscrutability of a messenger
on an elevator and the weather
Is it raining?
He said it again     louder
I looked in his direction

take it from here

Proactive reaction
don’t forget plan ahead
Set an alarm but wake up before it goes off

Preventive maintenance
Scheduled obsolescence

You’re the one telling them how it is

The government worker
Was always on time never worked late

The government worker
Taped a chain of paperclips to his pen

The government worker
had a nonessential career spanning 35 years

The government worker
retired and died a week later

The government worker
Got the job done

If not that day
Then the day after

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Old Style Light

March 2, 2009

Free beer tomorrow
As seen on TV
Two weeks to rejuvenation
discover a whole new you
On the wagon?
are you kidding me
A long list of things to do
and a couple ways to avoid doing them
product placement
brand recognition
avoiding the bummer life
a quality of life issue
glycogen stores replenished
a hearty breakfast
re hydrated
tires inflated

I now have a roundtrip ticket to Iowa in my hand
RAGBRAI is just around the corner

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

calendar pages

March 1, 2009

The picture is different
I feel the same

Arbitrary goals
with the calendar change

The extended forecast
Looks a lot like today

If rash or irritation develops
Discontinue use

The picture is the same
I feel different

attention deficit
next door neighbor hood toss up
supply side interest rate spare rib
stock yard jet stream security guard
security blanket cherry blossom locker partner
static cling lemon fresh Reagan years
place kicker place holder place mat
paper clip paper boy paper cut
metal fatigue metal band rubber band
break room brake pad break up
break down
red well red tide red wine red eye
septic tank slow leak dick stank
trench foot thunder storm tent flap
traffic circle revolving door rotary phone
family size cotton ball lawn chair
hawk eye farm girl ice tea
credit union happy hour bake sale
crushed velvet hand job fish tank
bottom bracket bottom dweller bottom line
picket line picket fence American dream
hair ball hair brain hair style
extension cord power play penalty box
pedal pusher back pedal
back paddle black poodle
corn dog beaver dam
boysenberry jam
Erlenmeyer flask grandfather clock
finger nail polish remover
moth ball para dichlorobenzene
spice rack blue cheese
remote control

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

older budweiser

February 28, 2009

vermontbmx photo

Seattle February
Vitamin D deficiency
Vitamin B 10 comes in handy

Vitamins R are good too

Imported from Italy
Retailing for only $3
How good could it possibly be


Sometimes you get what you pay for

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

see silver fender and I want to paint it black

February 27, 2009


I got a sharrow here bro

No meato burrito to go

Rainier Beer for here

Are we clear

Fixing a flat in the rain. Fingers so fucking cold I can’t feel them. Hands completely black with road grime. When the profanity is out of the way I like to take a moment, take a deep breath, laugh and be thankful. Sometimes this job sucks but at least I’m not a dispatcher.

Union Street at 7th Avenue at 11:53am on Wednesday my non-drive side pedal broke. A big chunk of metal snapped off and stuck to my shoe briefly before it clanked in the street.  I was pissed off for about 15 seconds on my ride up to 300 East Pike. I mean Pine... yeah Pine. After that I took a minute to think about the history of those pedals. Pedals I got used at the messenger bike swap that took place in Alor’s backyard on rain soaked Saturday a few years ago.  They were in the free pile of leftover shit that no one wanted to take back. (see photo) So I took them and I rode them for a few years of work on the RB-2. Years of messenger use or abuse added to the abuse they got before I adopted them. Not exactly pampered. No weekend warrior fluffy shit. These pedals clipped in and clipped out about 1.3 gazillion times and finally on Wednesday one of them broke. The pair is actually still 75% functional and if I didn’t have another pair in storage I’d be riding them today. 

At several intersections around Seattle there are cameras that take your picture when you run a red light. A while later you get your citation in the mail when they track you down by your license plate. Running the light on a bike trips the camera at Denny and Fairview. I’ve seen the flash go off several times over the years as I’ve rolled through that light on my way to work. I’d like to get my hands on all those photos of me and create a compilation. Same time, same guy, same intersection, different day, different year, different bikes, different season, different weather conditions, different wardrobe decisions.
3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

knog knog

February 26, 2009

Can the girls from the knog website
Come to the WestSide Invite

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

trust me

February 25, 2009

One Less Attorney
chalking up billable hours
no really
Original plus two copies  
The legal messenger industry
little black flies hovering around
piles of shit
Moving it
Filing it
Researching it
Copying it
Serving it
personally upon named defendant
I know it
I could take it or leave it
I’ve been taking it for years
But I could leave it
in The State of Washington
in and for the County of King
Residing in Seattle

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the wall at Market Place One  next to this sign taking a break with Justin. Because we’re both hourly legal messengers moving very important legal documents, we both have clients in the building and it didn’t feel like loitering it felt like putting a little fuel in the tank. Some uptight tenants got offended within two minutes and made a phone call to management, who in turn sent out the big guns, a janitor with a broom and dustpan to move us along. As you know, I have a learned phobia of facilities management professionals toting brooms and dustpans.   

another quality of life issue




You know what hard work gets you?
More hard work
-Erik Jahnz

9 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

can't you smell that smell

February 23, 2009

My hands are resting on the hoods of Chinese brake levers bolted to a  Japanese handlebar wrapped in Chinese bar tape clamped into a Japanese stem (25.4 bro) quilled into a Japanese steer tube one-inch-threaded into a Japanese frame on a Japanese fork bolted to an Italian hub laced with double butted Swiss spokes to a French rim floating on 112 psi in a Chinese tube within a German Tire.

My feet are in Italian shoes with Chinese cleats clipped into Japanese pedals threaded onto Japanese cranks (175 of course) bolted to a Chinese square taper bottom bracket spinning a Polish chainring (130 bcd bro) pulling a Chinese chain driving a jury-rigged seven speed cluster of Japanese cogs and Italian spacers on a Japanese free hub body and hub laced with Swiss spokes and big brass nipples to an Australian rim rolling a Chinese tube pumped up inside a French tire creating a cute little contact patch to match the German up front.

My ass is hovering above an Italian saddle clamped to a Japanese seat post (27.2 dude) inserted into a Japanese frame.

I’m picking up road vibrations

Dry clean only
 don’t ever wash me
someday a real rain will come
and bring the smell out
old wet dog wool sweater
150,000 miles and counting
still wearing that thing
I'm all wet
and dehydrated 

my shoes don’t match my bag

You smell that
in this economic environment
just a hint of vomit
wouldn’t be prudent
cutting corners clipping coupons

what were you thinking

pick up slack

drop off suspicious package
corned beef conspicuous cabbage
sauerkraut swiss cheese
dark rye  dill pickle  horse radish
Reuben Pilderwasser
had a son named Hirsch

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Monday is a working day

February 23, 2009

RAGBRAI training in the 98230

yesterday was my Sunday

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


February 21, 2009


check out this image poster size


2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

a clean well lighted... ...redux

February 19, 2009

When I finally quit this messenger shit, once and for all, I’m going to open a bike shop. A big bright historic space with huge store front windows and high ceilings and wood floors. With passive solar heating in the winter, and well placed shade in the summer. I’m going to work there all the time, six or seven days a week. The shop will be beautiful, stocked with every bike tool ever invented. French, Italian, Japanese, you name it, I will have it, hung neatly on the shop walls. Everything in its place. A place for everything. I will have two Campagnolo Cork Screws with Cherry handles. I will have seven different kinds of bike tool bottle openers. I will have four brands of headset presses. The 3000 square foot work space will have work stands and tools for 5 full-time mechanics, so I can work on 5 of my bikes all at once.  2 air compressors enclosed in sound proof cases. Truing stands bolted down to work benches 42.5 inches off the ground. I will have two Phil Wood spoke cutters/threaders. There will be cement floors and drains built in so I can hose it all down when the kegs overflow or the chainlube explodes or the cat pukes or the shit hits the fan. I will have shop dogs and shop cats. The bike book library will be monumental. The furniture will be well designed, attractive, comfortable and functional. There will be no non-dairy creamer. The coffee will be good. The beer will be cold. There will be wholesale accounts with everyone and everyone. Paul, Phil, Chris, Grant, Brooks, Mavic, Moots, Sachs, Sidi, Swobo. For me and my friends of course.

I will be at work all the time. I’ll show up 5:30am, or 3:00pm, or not at all. I’ll spend the night. I’ll stay for two weeks straight. Or take a week off if I feel like it. However, the shop will not be open to the public. The sign on the door will say “closed”, and if you flip it over it‘ll say “closed”. I’ll also have a large neon CLOSED sign, and it’ll be on all the time, like a beacon of freedom constantly sending its message, at all hours of the day and night. I’ll be in there working hard on my own bikes. Or on poetry, free lance writing, silk-screening, carpentry, cooking breakfast, pondering or drinking beer and pondering. The shop hours will not be posted. The phone will not be connected, so people cannot call and ask about the shop hours. And there will not be any employees because I won’t need any. This will eliminate any potential human relations issues, staff meetings, communication failures, personality problems, scheduling conflicts, and all the junior-high shit that goes along with trying to run a business with employees. Fuck that.

I will be in the shop but I won‘t be selling anything. Retail bullshit will not enter my sphere of existence. The windows will have incredible displays of bicycle art and elegant simple functional bikes because I like window displays. And I’ll spend hours creating them for my own enjoyment, not to attract customers. I‘ll be in the shop, reading the NY Times, listening to Miles Davis, or the White Stripes, or the Minute Men, or Bob Mould, or Guided by Voices, or Modest Mouse, or Guns n Roses or NPR and drinking coffee and beer and beer and coffee. Customers with stupid questions or flat tires or sheepskin seat covers or cracked carbon fiber forks can knock on the door all day long and I might even notice them between Husker Du songs playing on the Bose Wave Radio, but probably not, and if I do, I’ll give them a half smile then get back to my work. My work as a sole proprietor and my work drinking beer and pondering.

The back door will be unlocked and open whenever I am in the shop. And friends can stop by and bring their dogs and work on their bikes and add or subtract to the cold beer in the double wide Sub-Zero fridge or hit the bottomless pot of black coffee. The shop will include a beautiful stainless steel commercial sized kitchen. And a sleeping loft and an amazing bathroom with more magazines than a news stand, and I will not have to worry about customers fucking it up, because there will not be any customers.



click to view
 this is re re re printed from kickstand          again
because it's the same as it ever was
because I'm the same boy I used to be
because I know now what I knew then
becasue it's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days

10 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

mighty mighty pisces

February 19, 2009



like a fish needs a blanket
at 701 Pike Street of course
Out of water on the sidewalk for an hour
with nothing but a spandex tail
and body paint
in February

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

misinterpreted intensity

February 18, 2009

Attention to details
Obsessions to deal with
What are you looking at
focused on     returning to
What’s bothering you
I could say,  “me too”
but I’d be lying
It’s a pride thing
a dirty diaper thing
a bike messenger thing
You wouldn’t understand
The human nature thing
The planet earth thing
 aint no big thing
piss poor porridge petty problems
double boiled     distilled
just a catalyst
precipitating the precipitate
recognizable meaningful universal
Joe Schmo & Jane Doe Schmo
comprising the marital community
misinterpreted intensity
Mikkelborg fountain drinking
downhill tears spraying
 in a high speed shimmy
outside the Tastee Freez
She’s got her toptube
clenched between her knees
Duane and Tammy
sitting in a tree
Jack & Diane
were  so  like  1983
I liked it so much
I bought the company

You know that bar up on Melrose?

I’m in the art store across the street

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


February 17, 2009

registration is now open

the first 25 people to register and pay and read the fine print...


5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Wanna come upstairs and see my... ... ... ... ... ...used brake pad collection

February 16, 2009

got your gear inches right here
42 x 16  vs.  50 x 19

You say there’s a difference
it’s all in your mind 

someday you’ll see
it’s a great place to be

Ridden hard put away wet
every day    for years
What did you expect

A fair-weather cyclist
could get 6 years out of it
from the car to the Burke-Gilman

A bike messenger
could get one hard winter
sandy salty snowy Seattle season

Wanna come upstairs and
replace my drive train?

Remove offending bike part
Rotate 90 degrees, reinstall
Ride it to work                  repeat


5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

different drummer

February 14, 2009

Coffee cup guy
Collecting more coffee cups
Searching stacking hoarding

Wide brim hat girl
Walking her own unique line
Counting steps running stairs

Ipod redhead paperback lady
Dancing on the corner
Waiting for the light

Pretty face chubby lady
Smoking yet another cigarette
Waiting for something better

Weiner dog scooter guy
Wielding the wheelie gene
Zubaz pants Sammy Hagaring

Backpack street dude
Prancing to his internal beat
Two steps stop pirouette reverse continue

Moustache mullet Mariners jacket guy
Keeps his white socks pulled up high
Aggressive  jaywalking  strutting

So you want to be a bike messenger

Dehydrated asparagus piss
Cotton mouth whole milk mucus

You want some of this?

It’s a quality of life issue

If you lived here
You’d be home by now

If I was a vehicular cyclist
I’d still be stuck in traffic

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

sha na na na, na na na na...

February 13, 2009

It's Friday... Is it safe? Send me a post card. I like postcards

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Classic Steelcase office chair - Free (Seattle)

February 11, 2009

Reply to: sale-32175226@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-02-11, 5:04PM PST

hate to part with this chair

but it’s time to move on after a recent divorce

Cleaning house literally and emotionally.

Free to a good home.

--- --- ---

We bought it at Boeing Surplus the day we signed the lease on that first apartment on the hill. We had three sets of silverware, one chair and a lot of student loans. That chair was solid, substantial and overbuilt on bearings made for trucks. Rolling on casters capable of supporting tons of  industrial product but only supporting one office worker at a time. It was created somewhere between postwar reality and prewar vision. No big name architect or hip designer attached. It was more Trenton or Cleveland or Pittsburg. It was blue collar Seattle when it was fishing and logging and Boeing building planes for the war.  It was office worker all the way in government beige. Bland enough to look through, look past, look beyond. We talked about the office worker that sat in that chair for 8 hours a day behind a matching beige desk. And how he started to take on that same beige color when his soul, his passion, his ambition slowly drained out and into the cushion of the chair with each tick of the clock hanging on the wall. We talked about how we would never sellout and work in jobs like that. We talked about it while we sat in that chair.  One of us or both of us. Reading the Sunday paper. Drinking coffee in November wearing sweaters and hats trying to hold off a little longer and not turn on the heat. Or drinking gin & tonics in July wearing nothing much at all sitting two feet from the fan. That chair was not built for comfort. Steel and naugahyde. It was built to last.

That chair is still here.

But you left.

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

16 oz

February 11, 2009

Know such thing as a free lunch
All you can eat buffet
Irritable bowel syndrome
Filling up on free samples
High fructose corn syrup overload
Metabolic crash
Eyelids heavy
Security guard eyeing me
Recycled office building air
Please please
Please use the revolving door
Keep your head on a swivel
Alert direct connect chirp
Next day same day end of day all day
33 lb box suite 4760 roundtrip

 Employee bonuses will be distributed at the Holiday Party.

The Holiday Party is cancelled.



Layoffs? Don’t talk about layoffs. You kiddin me? Layoffs?

Treebeard Jace photo
Looking at the world
through a pint glass
taking things in 16oz servings
everything in due time
beer wine whiskey tequila
chorizo burrito to go
Everything in moderation
She said
Where’s the sport in that
I said  I am  I said
moderation schmoderation
leave a little something
to the imagination
cheap beer           nation

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

contributing factor

February 9, 2009

Lost and found then lost again
Never know when to say when

Interstate            overpass
Outer space      underpants

Give me half an hour and
I’ll give you half a chance

Change machine   hipster scene

Contributing factor
V-neck sweater

tainted peanut butter

Change   for   a   dollar
Change  for  the better

getting tired of  nurture
getting  back to  nature

gifted genetically
enhanced environmentally

wire monkey  
cloth monkey

unlimited free pornography
sexual content aside  
It’s all about character development
and plot lines laid out uniquely

this guy knows what's up go to his site he'll give you what for

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

a Busch in hand is worth two bucks

February 8, 2009

Spent a few hours in PDX for Case’s birthday. Sipping sangria, playing croquet in the park in the dark. No bikes ridden. Short walks taken. Pleasant conversation. Drunk as hell   but no throwin up…    On one of the walkabouts,  Clair bought an 18 pack of Busch to take to a backyard cedar shingle fire pit party. I carried the beer for a while and said to myself, “this is heavy” then I took a closer look and it was 18 tall boys. A thing of beauty that I’ve never seen in Seattle.  Portland has it figured out.

If that’s not RAGBRAI training nothing is.

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

half & half

February 7, 2009

half the man you used to be
half full    or    half empty

use the force Luke
use the litter box Brad

Get up     get get get down
get down    to get up

A decent ascent preceding
An absent descent receding

Mature contenting
Adult consenting

The first step is admitting
You pooped your pants

So, fairly early on there’s a tension established between our protagonist and the setting, the situation. She pooped her pants and there’s more where that came from.  This is real drama. We, the viewers, the readers,  the audience…we’re immediately drawn in, taken, absorbed, concerned.  What’s she going to do now? Where is she? Where does she go from here? How’s she going to get out of this one?

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

take the stairs

February 5, 2009

two for nine

February 4, 2009

Seattle traffic is a delicate ecosystem, easily upset by the slightest change. If the Dali Lama drops in, or the Seahawks make the playoffs or a white guy, about six feet tall with brown hair robs a bank and leaves behind a suspicious package, that delicate balance is thrown out the window. This afternoon traffic downtown was gridlocked, radiating from the bank robbery on the corner of 5th & Union all the way to I-5 and 99 and various on/off ramps. It was like the SeaFair Parade in February. Traffic was a real bear but I made it home in 8 minutes.

Same as it ever was.

Mirror check
Head check
Lane change
Check   Check   one two   one two
You don’t see me     but that’s OK
I saw you from a mile away
Hands at 10 & 2
White knuckling the wheel
You’re not from around here    are you
Welcome to Seattle
Mr. Rental Car
Take a deep breath                  relax
Pull over
The Pike Place Market is that way
The Cheese Cake Factory is that way
There’s a Starbucks here and there and there and there
 and there

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

this one is on the house

February 3, 2009

Mo Fo photo

I wouldn’t ask
Anything of you
That I wouldn’t do
Is that too much to ask
Yes it is
Looking in the mirror
Makes it hard to see
I’m not you
You’re not me

she told me liquor
I am a new man

Say it like you mean it
One more time with feeling

pattern baldness halitosis
overslept late lunch mimosas

Put up your dukes
Stick up your butt

 It’s not the North or the South side
No it’s not
It’s not the front or the back side
No it’s not
It’s the WestSide


0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

triple delight

February 2, 2009


Just so we’re clear on this
Are we clear on this
I always liked it
she hated it
then I got it
tattooed on my arm
Set in black ink
Seven layers deep
To last forever
Now I’ll never
Get a job in a bank
Manmade fiber polyester
Accelerated body odor
Don’t stare junior
That’s just a messenger
Caution:  use only under
Strict adult supervision
As if the grownups are with it
The kids know what’s what
Lacking only the vocabulary
Evaluate review critique
Awareness wisdom knowledge
Insight visible in their eyes
Conversation cocktail party
awkward pauses spaces empty
Filled with spackling putty details petty
Inane trivial recollections
Call & response recitations
Haveyouheardtheoneabout repetitions
Close cover  -  strike gently
The third strike’s a charm
Triple delight   triptych   triumvirate
Get over it
Stress harder   honk louder   drive faster
Can it get any clearer
am I clear
on Pier

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

things weight good to those who come

February 1, 2009

touching hands   reaching out     touching me      touching you
Daddy, what’s  superbowl

a question a child might ask
but not a childish question

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

Domaine perdu

January 30, 2009

Spokane you say
What can I say

You can never      really
go home again


It’s a little bit of this
a little bit of that
and a whole lot of meat and potatoes

Straight outta Ritzville

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the audacity of hip

January 28, 2009

nutritional yeast... neighbor of the beast

January 27, 2009

Hey Buddy
that’s not chivalry
that’s stupidity
standing front & center
on a crowded elevator

don’t hold the door

 get the fuck out of the way

Hunker down
Suck it up
Dig in
Ride it out

No shit Sherlock

As if I had a choice

I choose to
Punch   not you
Just another hole in my belt

This too
Shall pass

Cyclical cycle
Downward spiral

Trendy trends tend to         too

A sixpack of tallboys
A fresh tin of Altoids

It’s what’s for dinner

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


January 26, 2009

you me us     we
We deny knowledge or information sufficient
to form a belief as to the truth of the
allegations in paragraph 3.3
of the plaintiffs’ complaint
Yeah whatever       good answer
What about me
There’s no I in we
We have issues
Stacked floor to ceiling
long-time subscribers
We have issues
Quality of life    half life    shelf life
Expiration date  deadline   priority
people in hell want icewater         ASAP
As Soon As Plausible
soon sooner soonest
sooner or later
It’ll get there when it gets there
or not
Either way   anyway   six lane elevated freeway
Really in the longest of long runs
 Really  it just doesn‘t matter
I’d like to introduce you to my coworkers
Friction   wind resistance    gravity
They seem to get along well together
I was never much of a team player
Humidity  precipitation  temperature
altitude attitude longitude latitude
Cut me some slack
Slack slacker slackest
Slacking   standing by     -inertia
A body at rest remains at rest
It gets hard harder   hardest
to get off the couch   to get off the babysitter
Thought it was phantom cell phone syndrome
Got a second opinion
 Turns out     it’s a phantom U-lock in my pocket
Take two of these and don’t call me in the morning
This product has been proven to
Cause cancer in laboratory animals
In the state of California
Side effects may include
Nausea   dry mouth  vertigo
Loss of appetite   Weight gain
delusions of invincibility
unreasonable respect for authority
upset tummy       poopy pants icky
A poor little rich girl sense of entitlement
How’s my driving?
Call 1-800-it’s-a-rhetorical-question
You talkin to me
please deliver an original and a copy
 plaintiffs' first set of interrogatories

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

a reading from the gospel according to Steve

January 24, 2009


My tax return will be
returned to the local economy

Grocery stores  Beer stores  Glycogen stores

training continues
it never really stops
you just wake up one morning
in a tent in a field in a small town
somewhere in Western Iowa
and realize you’re on RAGBRAI

 can’t focus on much of anything
except the VCR clock blinking

12:00 AM    12:00 AM    12:00 AM

Have you been drinking

Yes sir  
pillow officer   

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

center to center

January 24, 2009

it's not about the bike

January 22, 2009

Chris camera in one hand beer in the other Murray photo


bikes don’t do RAGBRAI
people do RAGBRAI

9 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


January 20, 2009

What’s your 20?
What’s your next stop?
What’s your line?

maybe perception is reality
maybe it’s fiction
maybe I had a few            you had a few too

that’s not a 12pack
that’s an Animal Pack
simple understated elegance

a solid substantial suitcase
288 ounces of beer
convenient single-serving containers

get a handle
get a grip
get on with it                  carry on

Please stow your bag
in the overhead bins or
under the seat in front of you

a happy day and then you pay
you feel like Schmidt the morning after
say yes                 HG Selfridge said

the recollection of quality remains
long after the price is forgotten

I remember the price
got the receipt right here
the quality of the hangover
is a recollection of the beer

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


January 19, 2009

 History has shown that when MLK day falls on a Monday before the inauguration of the first ever African American President of these United States of America…things are slow in the Urgent Delivery business.

and it was.

The first order of business for our new president is a proposed $800 Billion bailout of the bicycle messenger industry. Which translates to $1 million for every working bike messenger in the USA and enough left over to keep all the messenger companies afloat for a while. More zeros.

We don’t need another hero.

The sun came out loud and clear and low in the sky
It was chiaroscuro day in Seattle



1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

the look & feel

January 18, 2009

Genuine insincerity
Saccharine authenticity
The look & feel of fake-as-fuck

So take a closer look
So easy to make fun of
So close to home

No taster trays
No sample platters
No free hors devours

It’s happy hour somewhere
Synchronize your watches
Adjust your internal clocks

Take your time
Make up your mind
Let us know when you’re ready

Rhythm cadence protocol
Exchange essential information
Social niceties not necessary

Consumer confidence is lowering her gaze.
A quick scan. Price check.
No longer reaching for the top shelf.
Eyeing the middle. Buying what’s affordable.
Maker’s Mark is so 2007
Ask Evan Williams

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Andrew Wyeth

January 16, 2009

 Andrew Wyeth      July 12, 1917 - January 16, 2009

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

heads or tails

January 16, 2009

Rock, paper, scissors. Whatever.
It’s 50 lbs of shit stuffed into a $10/hour messenger bag. The cost of living. The cost of doing business. The cost-benefit analysis. Whatyagonna do? You can’t afford to. You can’t afford not to. Let me think about it and get back to you. Odds are even. Six of one. Half dozen the other. Take me to your leader. Take me to the cleaners. The side effects of the prescribed remedy are far worse than that which ails you. You think that’s bad, did you hear the one about the small messenger company?  I can see it from here. I could see it from there. I’m seeing it everywhere.
Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me.

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

universal remote

January 14, 2009

Pause   rewind
play that one more time

keep your finger on the button
feel for a pulse

oh I see         it’s a parable
no  actually  it’s a parabola

no matter how you hit it
it comes back to get you

not too hot to pick up
but too hot to hold

on    to other things

Is that all there is
What was that

Who is this

This is it

Hurry up

get on the elevator, get in your car, get in traffic
get home, get in front of the TV

get in bed,  get to sleep
get up,  get to work   

Play it again                
Does this phone look OK with my hair
Does this outfit look OK with my career 

looking to the future of a redshirt kindergartener
handmade with love by a Chinese prisoner

it’s the best of both worlds
too bad we’re in the third world

baby needs new shoes
but baby can go barefoot

we’re not related
and it’s all relative

confusing to the courteous
it’s a five-way intersection

where Antidepressant Avenue
runs parallel to Depression Boulevard

back up
play it again

and pay attention this time
you can go your own way     but
I want you to show me the way
and then I’d like you to meet
Edie and Eddie and Eddy and
this is Billy and that’s Billy too
and that is my other brother Sara

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

kalamata olives

January 13, 2009

Overcoming tremendous adversity
so early
on a Monday
He forgot his sausage patty

I can’t believe I did that. Now I have to go all the way back down to the cafeteria and explain myself. I take such care to make sure the hot food stays hot. I have a routine. I pay first, set up the bagels, get my coffee and juice, and then the sausage. But today I forgot my sausage patty.  (actual law firm employee on elevator yesterday holding his tray of food) After I heard his amazing tale of hardship and perseverance, my own troubles were really put in perspective.

brown paper economic stimulus packages tied up with string, these are few of my favorite things. Go with your gut, she said. I went with my gut, I said.  The whole thing seemed like a good idea at the time. But halfway into a humongous humus platter I’m out of pita and the kalamata pits are pissing me off.  Now here I am feeling funky with a lingering aftertaste and horrible breath. Do what you love. Do it for a living and you might not love it so much. Go to your special place. Go there for work and it’s no longer special. Do what you want to do. Do it because someone else wants you to and and and you know what I’m saying.

the skunk was coming towards me

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the road

January 12, 2009


Maury drinks a 40
Dustin gets a flat
or something like that

It goes a little something like this

Maury works late at the video store on the hill. He enjoys a bottle of malt liquor after work while he waits for the bus back to Lake Forest Park. But the busses weren’t running that night because of the snow and ice. So he called a friend on hill and walked over to crash for the night in a much closer zip code. Along the way Maury finished his Big Bear and tossed it over his shoulder in a high end-over-end arc resembling a well kicked extra point. The shattering of a 40 usually brings some satisfaction and a sense of closure. But this time the bottle came down in the middle of John Street with a dull thud and didn’t even crack because there was so much snow on the ground.

The empty Big Bear sat in the street for 3 more days blending into the snow. When the weather started to warm up, a Metro Bus ran over the bottle.   

Five days go by and the snow melts away…

Dustin works early. He rides his bike to work and when he gets  to “work” he works all day on his bike. Some people call him a bike messenger. Some people call him other things.

Dustin had a lot on his mind that Monday morning including a wicked hangover and he forgot to pump up his tires to their usual 113 psi. The tires on Dustin’s bike were well worn. The average cyclist would say trashed but Dustin knew how to get the most out of his equipment and could push it beyond limits that others would consider reasonable or even rideable.

Dustin got a pick up from a house on Malden, first thing in the morning then stopped at Safeway for a jalapeno cheddar bagel.  Riding down John Street on the way into town the car in front of him was turning right so Dustin went around him on the left and got a little squirrelly near the center line on a big long pile of gravel, sand, shit, crud and broken glass. He pulled around, pulled through and pulled it off. Rolling all the way to Two Union without stopping for any lights green or red or blue and red.  He went up stairs to make the drop and when he came out his front tire was flat.

Walking to a dry spot to get some coffee and fix his flat. Dustin discovered a long sharp little shard of clear glass that made it all the way through his tire and tire liner. He smiled and said,  Mr. Tuffy say hello to Mr. Big Bear.

My drive train feels like an open face egg salad sandwich that your little sister Cheryl dropped in the sand at the beach then looked around to see if anyone noticed.  She picked up both halves and slapped them together and then walked over and handed the sandwich to me. And I took a big bite and chewed on it for 8 hours.  

Some day, Mayor Nickels a real rain will come and wash the sand off the streets Actually we had record rains and flooding and the streets of Seattle are still sandy like that sandwich Cheryl dropped. No need to bring in a high priced consultant, you can give me the money, because I already told you what's up.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one,  cost less to buy
And that has made all the difference

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

that's Mr. Tuffy to you

January 11, 2009

Thursday January 22, 2009  7:00pm
please make a note of it 

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

bread & circus

January 10, 2009


Keep it in the big ring.
It has arrived. Thank you Bret. It’s not 130 bcd, it’s not 135, it’s bad ass. It’s art. I’m putting together a little care package for you. A little pilderwasser reciprocity and it’ll be traveling to Albuquerque via USPS. Cheers.

Craig Etheridge photo


To:         All messenger companies

From:    Large law firm

RE:        Sensitive sheetrock

Here at Large Law Firm we use messenger services to clean up our shit, save our asses, compensate for the procrastinating, catch our mistakes, make our attorneys look good and do all the things we don’t want to do or don’t know how to do. We want it all, we want it now and we want it for $3.50.

However we do not want to see, hear or smell messengers in our office. And most importantly we do not want messengers dinging up the sheetrock near the elevators as they write job numbers on their messenger slips.

And don’t use the Handicap bathroom either.

mergers, acquisitions, consolidations

Jason Britton photo

don’tcha wish your lawyer was a freak like me?

I’m an attorney, I need it right away  
“the line starts over there” the clerk will say

He was authoritative in a senior partner way
But he wouldn’t accept service on the firm, not today

She was brilliant in a Harvard Law way
But she couldn’t change the date stamp, no way

What exactly do you do all day
Lingering in the cafeteria, the K&L Gates way

She's drab in a sensible shoe way
Pro se…    I’d say

He was suave in an acid wash denim mullet way  
Lane Powell all the way

She's attractive in a Dorsey Whitney way
a few steps above Schwabe but far from Perkins Coie

don’tcha wish your lawyer was a freak like me?

10 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

one more

January 9, 2009

know your limit and then destroy it

when to say when   and then

buy in  sell out  give in  cash out

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


January 8, 2009

Rule #1:  there are no rules

There are however plenty of traditions, conventions, suggestions and expectations. When are you going to get a real job?

Working, flowing through the city all the time on time is impossible to do everyday without making some assumptions. some calculated risks. Some predictions based on probability and experience. And just taking a few things for granted. But it’s beneficial to stop and consider this once in a while. Or at least slow down and be a little more kid-like or little more bumpkin tourist like.

For example, you step on a crowded elevator and press 55 and assume it will take you up to suite #5500 and let you out. But look at the six people you’re with and visualize spending the next 7 hours with them on that elevator when it breaks down. How ya like me now? Gotta take a piss. What’s that perfume you’re wearing? Please shut up.

And another thing, it’s very difficult to give a courtesy flush when the toilet has an automatic flush sensor. A perfect example of poor product design. Designed by stiffs too far removed from reality, too high up off the streets, too clueless to know how the shit really goes down.  Because they’re all up in the executive washroom where somebody gets paid to flush the toilet for them.

I designed a waterless urinal years ago. It’s called a bucket.

And one more thing, we need more umlauts.

Try to work some Hüsker Dü into your daily life.

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

wash it off

January 6, 2009

Out of context yet familiar. Like an exotic receptionist spotted walking down 6th Avenue. You can’t remember where she sits, where you’ve seen her. Was it a dream or was it just last week? You’re on a one-way street but you want to think it goes both ways and left lasting impressions on each of you, not just you. Like a chair-shaped ass on an ass-shaped chair. Meant to be. Fit like a glove. Hand in hand over fist.

back to the grind, back to so-called reality, back to work, back to school, back to basics, back in the High Life 12oz cans.
back to back to back

 What happens when
your local malt liquor mart
gets gentrified…?

Mom & Pop, corner store, bodega
Not just a facelift, a complete
boob job and clientele augmentation

From Big Bears to Belgian big beers
From Rainier tall boys to Euro choir boys
There’s a new sheriff in town and
he just bought a condo and drinks Amstel Light


6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

it's a wash

January 6, 2009

We had this conversation
exactly like that conversation

and now

we have an understanding
an unspoken agreement
we don’t speak to each other

eluding alluring alluding
six calls in a row, never a voicemail

assumptions arise from proximity
Do you really think she’ll call me

the morning after
afraid to call it a relationship

investing too much time
calling   for   commitment

clearly connections correlation
can we call it causation

unpredictable  sporadic        slippery
not sure what to call it

It has value we both agree
but let’s not call it currency

It opens bottles
but I wouldn’t call it a bottle opener

It smells like lilacs
let’s call it dumb luck

Call it like you see it
Call it what you will
Call it in the air

Call someone who cares

Call your mother
Call a doctor
Call in a favor

I heard the owl call my name
I heard it through the grape vine
I heard,  call Jenny at 867-5309

call me angel in the morning

Call for a fair catch
Call it a flagrant foul
Call it off the glass
Call it in the 7th inning

Call it a cause worth fighting for
Call it a fair fight
Call it a tussle   a tossup    a tie
Call it even

even call it a wash

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

I have a dream, that one day...

January 5, 2009

...it’s after 4:00pm and I‘m at base and my dispatcher asks me what I’m holding.

and I’m holding:
9 King County filings
2 USDC monetary filings
15 downtowns including an NLRB
a big fat Immigration Court
and some residential process

Then the dispatcher sends me to 9800 NE MacPherson to pick up a 1201 by 5:00

Along the way I need to attempt some process service at a residence in Ballard.  I’ve tried it five times already today. It’s service on a pair of identical twins that are supermodels. They’re never home because they travel a lot for work and their stoner roommate is always there and states he’s a resident of suitable age and discretion and authorized to accept but our client says no, personal service only on each twin individually.

I say, where the fuck is MacPherson?  
and I’m serving that stoner roommate this time.

But the dispatcher has completely lost it, he’s incoherent, glazed over and cannot respond. Then a messenger from ABC tries to give me directions, because it’s their client on NE MacPherson,  but his mouth is moving and no sound is coming out. Thanks dude…whatever.

I’m getting a little agitated and start to stress when I look at the clock. So I decide to roll out. But I’m not on a bike today. I’m driving a 1969 Chevy pickup with no windows and the back of my neck is getting cold. There’s snow on the ground and I can’t get the truck out of reverse so I’m just sliding around the parking lot backwards…



Time to get up and go to work

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


January 4, 2009

Where the hell is Grinnell
it’s right here
it’s right there
it’s everywhere

a strong foundation
a liberal arts education

Where do you go from here
Wherever I want

Smells like

garlic & onions sautéed in butter
in a well seasoned cast-iron skillet

What’s for dinner
Whatever you want

What are you doing
with your degree
in anthropology

writing poetry

eating spicy teriyaki beef jerky

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


January 3, 2009

Cat Wolmar photo

 What day is this?

picking up the pieces
piecing together events in question
questioning  asking  wondering      why
my pants are still on
no cash in wallet
receipts in pocket
that place   the place   no the other place
bar hopping chronology
Pike Street geography
pint glass stratigraphy
matchbook phenomenology
beer coaster dendrochronology
 cell phone digital photography
text message archaeology

Oh yeah
       I remember
what we have here is
the Rapha winter hat
yes we do

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

dig deeper

January 1, 2009

Good is a good doctor, but Bad is sometimes better 


look ma, no hands

As winter makes one appreciate spring, marriage helps one appreciate divorce and walking sheds new light on riding a bike.  Riding naked in January highlights the importance of clothing and no-handed track standing isn’t showboating if you don’t have hands.
It’s easy to avoid over thinking, if you don’t have a head.  

Be careful what you wish for
here is a man who would not take it anymore

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink