what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

pilderwasser unlimited T-shirts  pilder what? kickstand P know knew spew snap shots autoBIKEography RAGBRAI  slide shows phot-o-rama stationary-a-gogo 1/2 x 3/32 links

2020 hindsight

December 31, 2019

uv resistant

December 30, 2019

dig if you will the picture of a picture in late December when a spot of sunlight makes it all the way to the basement through a doorway and down a narrow stairway onto the wall onto a castoff print of a mellow non-objective non-controversial non-confrontational composition seen in places like dentist offices that cater to older clientele a print framed in uv-resistant glass that hasn’t seen the sun for 30 years as it’s been reflecting the fluorescent light radiating from government issue fixtures in a basement office until now where it’s lined up to be set free as surplus property and that spot of sunlight is just a taste of what’s out there. 

 

is it raining?

 


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job opening opening

December 26, 2019

they're hiring at the education factory


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i'm not your jimmy john

December 24, 2019

There will be no dress rehearsal

There will be no stunt double

 

There will be no Bucky’s training day

There will be no dry run

 

There will be no phone-a-friend

There will be no back up plan

 

There will be no practice test

There will be no grace period

 

There will be no second chances

There will be no window of opportunity

 

There will be a complimentary continental breakfast

Served in the lobby for building tenants only

 

Up this high at twice the price it’s easy to see

Suckers buying one to get one free

 

There truth is out there

Or maybe it’s in here

 

Reading the low point on the meniscus

Between two peaks             a valley

 

After the locals leave

Before the tourists show up


There’s a lull   a pause    a hiatus

That’s the place   that is the place    I want to be 

 


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it's the most amazon prime of the year

December 23, 2019

it wouldn't be christmas without Toni Braxton's red turtleneck


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is it raining?

December 20, 2019

low pro neon camo bro

December 17, 2019

 

front seat on the short bus

low profile neon camouflage

delicate dainty double wide single serving

glass of box wine on ice

schlepping shabby chic

another issue of life quality

sweeping the dirt floor thoroughly

touristy Chihuly sincerely OMG

hands free bluetooth uncouth

sosixweeksago

antibacterial broccoli cheese potato

individually wrapped cherry tomato

non slip adhesive strip

nonfat decaf extra whip

dark chocolate  no fluffy trendy shit

business casual cutoffs

four wheel drive in theater

Volvo Valvoline Vaseline Vulva

nonstick chapstick dipstick chopstick

Jesus H Christ  popsicle stick

soft warm melted cheesy

it just got too easy

built-in handicap tacked on piggyback

self-inflicted equalizer

six of one  half dozen the other

shampoo effect preconceived notion

you know the deal     it puts the lotion

Blue Angel food cake under clawfoot tub

housed like Lee Majors like majorly housed

more before noon than most people do all day

adopting public space for personal use

step into my office

 


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quintessentialer pilderwasser december

December 14, 2019

the golden hammer

December 12, 2019

When all you have is a hammer

Everything looks like a nail

 

When all you have is a PhD in bioengineering

Everything looks like a pile of discarded styrofoam 

 

When all you have is an unachievable ideal

Everything looks like a letdown 

 

When all you have is a scooter

Everything looks like a sidewalk

 

When all you have is a cone wrench

Looks like your pedals can stay on for awhile 

 

When all you have is zip ties

Everything looks like it’s coming loose

 

When all you have is facebook friends

Everything looks fake as fuck   

 

When all you have is a mission statement 

Everything looks like mission creep

 

When all you have is a u-lock

Everything looks like a bike rack 

 

When all you have is longneck bottles

Everything looks like a bottle opener 

 

When all you have is a bottle opener

Everything looks like a screw top 

 

When all you have is Amazon

Everything looks a click away

 

When all you have is chicken 

Everything tastes like chicken

 

When all you have is Kenny G

Shut the fuck up 

 

When all you have is a cornfield

Everything looks like a urinal

 

When all you have is urinal mints

Everything smells like the mens room 

 

When all you have is the Mens Room

Everything sounds like 99.9 KISW

 

When all you have is student loan debt

Everything looks like a credit card

 

When all you have is Coors Light

Everything feels like a headache  


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traffic mitigation

December 9, 2019

not bike racks

traffic mitigation devices

  

i’m not grumpy

i’m underwhelmed

 

orange you glad

i didn’t say disappointed

 

it’s a joke

that’s not funny 

 

your anxiety 

gets to me

 

you wear me out  ***

you   wear  me   out

 

there is no reward 

for being efficient


there is no penalty 

for being a goldbricking fucktard

 

it all pays

the same

 


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built environments

December 5, 2019

taking a step back from practicality paused and took a photo of the loading dock surface at Gould Hall to get this artwork that exists in the layers of recycling compost garbage and architecture final project overspray

if I took a stroll around the art building I might see the remnants of some kid’s final project oversprayed on the sidewalk but for some reason it’s more-than-just-ok over at architecture and construction management too to get a little sloppy which is interesting not in a-participant-observer way just-an-observation way. I’d like to think those art students are learning some process in relation to a final product in the romantic context of art history while the construction management kids are cranking out final products in another more business-like mindset. I’m dumbfounded because in just 10 more steps they could get to the asphalt parking surface where their spray paint pet project wouldn’t matter much or if they couldn’t walk that far at least splay out a few copies of the Daily and save the loading dock surface for fermented compost concentrated coffee grounds and warm beer foaming out of all those spent Georgetown kegs that those architecture people really know how to drink. Does anyone notice this? Does anyone give a shit? Just another turn of the academic calendar on the eve of finals week.  

 

calendar pages

 

the picture is different

I feel the same

 

arbitrary goals

with the calendar change

 

the extended forecast 

looks alot like today

 

the picture is the same

I feel different

 

 




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blu bluish blue

December 5, 2019

I'm a bit out of touch but 39 let me know Pantone unleashed their 2020 color

Classic Blue  19-4052

please make a note of it


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status quo goes

December 4, 2019

up north there’s a place    where

status quo goes      and goes

routine turns to superstition

habit becomes addiction

traffic patterns clearly visible

they say it will be memorable

a calendar date to commemorate

an anniversary to celebrate   some day

a real rain will come

wash the shit off my messenger bag

playing with fire for a year and a half

finally getting burned

did you expect retrospect

to smooth things over

amplitude includes both highs and lows

there’s an ebb in my flow

the universe shifting slightly to the left

out of field goal range

showing punt formation 

fourth down       giving up 

throwing up    choke it down

swallow it whole

treating each symptom separately 

cannot possibly be holistic

realistically really

 

for real 

 

10 years later I expect retrospect to smooth things over 


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a pair of gloves

November 30, 2019

For its birthday, I bought my bicycle a pair of gloves, something for it to wonder about through the nighttime. 

 

-paul fattaruso 

happy birthday to Steve and Blu too as you two are the same age for these 24 hours. 

 

let's not talk about shopping days until Christmas but this paul fattaruso book would make a great gift for your bicycle. 


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she sees me, she'll stop

November 27, 2019

Just about exactly 28 years ago I was riding home from work in the rain and dark of a Seattle winter around 6am atop Queen Anne. Done with another graveyard shift in the grocery store deli cranking out hundreds of sandwiches and salads in individually wrapped convenient containers (but that’s another story) I had a clunky Cateye headlight with two C batteries that gave off a sickly yellow light for about 90 minutes before it began to fade to black. It was clamped to the handlebar of a GT Continuum rolling 700D wheels (but that’s another story) I was nearly hit by a car at a 4-way stop because I assumed they could see me. In 0.33 seconds it’s the: she sees me she’ll stop, she sees me she’s just a shitty driver, she’ll stop, she’ll stop, SHIT. she’s not stopping, she doesn’t see me, she actually can’t see me, she never slowed down, she didn’t stop, she didn’t see me. 

 

Just about exactly 28 hours ago I was riding home from work in the rain and dark of a Seattle winter around 5pm. Done with another shift on the electric assist bathtub at the education factory (but that’s another story) I had a small rechargeable headlight that gives off a bright beam, a wicked bright rear Knog light, a little blinky light on my backpack, a completely DOT reflective toptube pad made by DANK bags from an old road sign, reflective strips allover my jacket and reflective bands strapped to both ankles.  Two cars blew right across my path as I slowly rolled across a side street that feeds into a Rainier Ave because they didn’t see me. When I stopped just short of the second driver’s window he rolled it down and said  “you are not visible” I didn’t say anything but I thought “welcome to Rainier Beach” and I know there are not enough lights or reflectors in the world to make a cyclist “visible” in many a car context. 

 

I actually drive a car sometimes and I’m more aware than ever how invisible pedestrians and cyclists are at night from the driver’s seat point of view through a windshield slathered in rain and condensation. 28 years ago I thought the act of clamping on that crap Cateye meant something. 28 hours ago I thought it was the thought that counts or something like that. 

 she blinded me with science

Ask me about my conspicuity. 

Seen it. Done it. Designed the t-shirt. 

 


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should we talk about the weather?

November 25, 2019

give 'em 2.54 centimeters

and they'll take 1.6 kilometers


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get up - get to work

November 24, 2019

remote control

 

pause

rewind

play that one more time

 

keep your finger on the button

feel for a pulse

oh I see  it’s a parable

no actually  it’s a parabola

no matter how you hit it

it comes back to get you

not too hot to pick up

but too hot to hold

onto other things

Is that all there is?

What was that?

Who is this?

This is it

 

hurry up

 

get on the elevator

get in your car

get in traffic

get home

get in front of the tv

get in bed 

get to sleep

get up 

get to work

 

play it again

 

Does this phone look ok with my hair?

Does this outfit look ok with my career?

looking to the future of a redshirt kindergartener

handmade with love by a Chinese prisoner

it’s the best of both worlds

too bad we’re in the third world

baby needs new shoes

baby can go barefoot

we’re not related and it’s all relative

confusing to the courteous

it’s a five-way intersection

where Antidepressant Ave

runs parallel to Depression Blvd

 

stop 

back up

play it again 


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stadtfuchs

November 22, 2019

Urwahn Stadtfuchs

steel frames are cool and although I believe there is no such thing as the ultimate urban utility bike

it's great that people keep trying

 


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cats

November 20, 2019

still life with lime bikes

November 18, 2019

through   threw   thru 

 

Please open your textbooks to page 369 and follow along as I read aloud: Modern use of Thru originated in American English as a phonetic and simplified spelling of Through around 1839. Thru is mostly used where the preposition through could be used (e.g. Monday thru Friday); it is less common as an adjective or adverb (I'm thru with the vacuuming). It is rarely used in formal situations, except in cases where brevity is wanted such as roadway signs. 

 

If the bike wheel is a clock the fender struts are the hands always reading somewhere between 3:07 and 3:11 blurring the lines between Tukwila and Renton a lot of people aren’t sure where that is and steer the conversation elsewhere to avoid uncomfortable situations especially at the dinner table around the holidays but it’s a scenario that stands out only because it’s constantly compared to one that exists only in Currier & Ives prints or instagram horseshit. 

 

The property manager purportedly put a positive spin on it pointing out the fresh paint job and new carpet however the prospective tenant picked up  the off-gassing in the hallway long before she even entered the apartment and declined to sign the rental agreement for a studio where the windows don’t open and the “fresh” air is supplied via HVAC ducts installed in 1972 when a long sequence of variables began to fall into place. 

 

The first step is denial same time different daze like clockwork purple  hemp milk mocha no whip schmaltzy coffee klatchy shut up and listen idle hands are tools of the coozie it turns out it’s all been a series of short errands strung together into a life cycle in the margins of utility cycling taking the path that sucked less has made all the difference like pedestrian overpass utilitarian underpants your 35 year old brake pads are grabbing 27” steel wheels on a long descent in the rain so don’t ask me about the lowest coefficient of friction ever recorded because you’re totally fucked.

 


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retroperistalsis

November 14, 2019

39 photo

 

This one’s raspberry and this one is marionberry said the barista to the woman in front of me.  

 

Oh i’m glad you can tell the difference because marionberry would make my throat swell up she said. 

 

My mind went to anaphylactic shock. Then retroperistalsis. Then poking the EpiPen into the meat of the thigh and remaining calm.  

 

Then my mind said “bitch set me up” 

 

Pondering the differences between Marion Barry and marionberry I was smiling in my own world when the barista turned to pour my drip coffee.  There’s a punch line in there somewhere. I could tell the difference between a raspberry and a marionberry if they were growing in the alley behind my house. But when they’re slathered on a pastry in a coffee shop I couldn’t care less. I’ll be eating marionberry jam on my pb&j in a couple hours watching the sun come up over the cascades behind Husky Stadium.  If it was raspberry jam the sunrise wouldn’t look any different. 

 

As a lowly intern walking the streets of DC in the fall of 1990 I saw Marion Barry t-shirts featuring variations on the bitch-set-me-up theme for sale at random street corner stands allover town. Mayor Barry was in the tail-end of his 3rd term and hadn’t gone to jail yet. Those shirts are still available online in neoretro knockoffs. They don’t make my throat swell up but they still make me chuckle 30 years later.   

 

When the factual narrative gets boring it’s important to explore the landscape of memory which is often prompted by the poetry of petty details. 


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there there here here

November 13, 2019

 

Spotted this Spot yesterday. Took a photo because it was clearly the coolest bike in the rack. But upon further review it wasn’t as cool as I thought. I don’t read bike reviews or bike magazines very often and live in a thumbshifter retro world so I had no idea the acme has been around for a couple years. Spot has a special spot in my mind because they used to advertise in the outcast which made them cool by association and they were right here on the I-5 corridor. Their bikes were unobtainable so I bought one of their t-shirts. Now 20 years later they’re in Colorado and their bikes are made of unobtainium or actually dontreallywantium.  

 

This bike is cool for sure. But I wouldn’t award it ultimate urban utility bike status because there are too many incompatible doo-dads. I like to visualize riding a bike across Iowa in July and I have a mechanical issue and roll into the one and only bike shop in the small town I happen to be drinking in at the time and the mechanic smiles, reaches up on the shelf and grabs the exact part I need and sells it to me for $5. In my standard visualization the part has never been anything hovering around an 11-speed internal hub or a gates carbon drive. In the visualization where I'm stuck with this bike the mechanic looks at the gates belt and says “shit, the vacuum repair guy went out of business right after WalMart came to town. But I bet he could have helped you with that thing” 


 

 


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noonan

November 11, 2019

as the NFL gets closer and closer to Rollerball

it's easier to look away

but I couldn't look away today


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on your left

November 9, 2019

big plans for the weekend

November 8, 2019

1 cubic centimeter of bullshit

November 7, 2019

Ron Sutphin used to tell us about Albert Eisentraut and the “one cubic centimeter of bullshit” that is an important addition to anything you do. 

 

When I write a book, aside from my coffee table books about discarded dental picks and garbage cans overflowing with bags of dogshit, I’ll write a book that’s kind of James Tate mixed with Patti Smith. A book that leaves the reader wondering if any of that really happened or it was all a dream or if they call it poetry then anything goes.  A book that stumps the librarian because it defies classification. A book that doesn’t fit in on the nonfiction shelf at one of the few remaining brick and mortar bookstores so they have to display it on a folding table near the checkout line.   A book that contains more than just one cubic centimeter of bullshit. A book that contains a bit of truth but dumbfounds because it’s written from the point of view that hovers on the fringes and sits in the corner watching the petty details of everyday life. 

 

Until I write that book I recommend this one:

 


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repeat the question

November 5, 2019

 

They’re 33.3% DWI’d  why not go all the way?  I’m not sure what the question is but drop bars are not the answer. It’s all in the wrists rolling on the hoods all day in her own way. When shimano came up with STI this is not what they envisioned for total integration. Bikes are cool because they can be half-ass jerry-rigged cross-threaded slap-dash ad-hoc zip-tied and people love them the way they love them.

 

Dutch Oven 

 

Stare at your phone download the app tap swipe scroll repeat. They’ve got you where they want you. Don’t ask questions. 

 

There’s a lot of jibber jabber about the last mile especially during this holiday e-commerce shopping season. But they’re only going 5230 feet.  

I’m taking it the final fifty fucking feet. 

 

It would be depressing if it wasn’t so comical. 

 

I find this point of view has helped me deal with Seattle in general over the past ten years. 

 

Repeat the question. How can people take this shit seriously? 

 

No euphemisms here.

It’s all fucking horseshit. 

 

No tip toeing human relations eggshell dancing 

It’s fucking horseshit. 

 

The UPS truck is parked in the bike lane but you’re getting your amazon package in 2 days or less. The UPS truck is parked in the bus lane because  you’re getting your amazon package in 2 days or less. The UPS truck is parked in the alley but it’s OK because you’re getting your amazon package in 2 days or less. 

 

If it’s not UPS it’s  FedEX USPS DHL OnTrac or some independent contractor chuffer in a U-Haul slinging boxes onto front porches that may or may not match the address on the package. 

 

Submit

 

Don’t ask questions. Please submit your questions in writing and one will be randomly selected for comment during the last week in February (excluding leap years) If your question is chosen you can surrender all your personal information for a chance to win a $3 Starbucks gift card

 

“So, this is comfort.   The absence of discomfort.” 

 

That’s one of my favorite lines from Mother Load. 

 


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Jabba et al

November 3, 2019

Jabba  2019  black marker on post it note 3" x 3"

Jabba's Wife 2019 marker on index card 4" x 6"


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all the livelong day

October 31, 2019

Eight years ago today. You load 16 tons and what do you get?... another year older and so on and so on but not 87, he is ageless, timeless. He's been 32 years old for about 24 years and he still is. But that kid on the right is 8 years older and growing like a weed and today is the 8th anniversary of that Halloween in 2011. 

just as it would not be Christmas here without the photo of Wilson & the Sonics cheerleaders, it wouldn't be Halloween without this photo that says it all and has said it every year. year after year. day after day. all the livelong day. 


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all you can eat

October 29, 2019

At the corner of Burke-Gilman and 15th Ave NE there’s an all you can eat buffet of obliviousness open from 7am to 7pm Monday through Friday. Featuring 30,000 students staring at their phones punctuated by juiced up roadies mashing back to Kirkland as well as psycho commuters, casual Lime Bike chuffers and angry Jimmy Johns with seemingly something to prove to someone somewhere.  



Throw me down the stairs my hat

 

  1. The fog lifted
  2. Your eyes adjusted
  3. No one noticed
  4. All of the above 



There’s a card key that will grant you access to the exterior door. Once inside locate the lock box down the hall on the left and jiggle the key just right because it was cut during Reagan’s first term. Inside the lockbox you’ll find the key to the mailroom attached to a retractable leash. Unlock the mailroom and locate the light switch on the back wall and then unlock the second mail cabinet from the left. Inside the mail cabinet on the upper shelf clearly labeled “incoming mail” place the Fingerhut catalog and proceed to your next stop. Don’t forget your keys. 



If you don’t know what you’re talking about

 

  1. Talk louder
  2. Make something up
  3. Crack a joke
  4. Shut the fuck up  

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but it bears repeating, now

October 28, 2019

gas powered leaf blower

October 24, 2019

from where I'm sitting now

October 23, 2019

Step into my office…    ...actually it’s more like one of my breakrooms in and around the sprawling 700 acre campus. These days it’s not too crowded because the furniture is wet but that doesn’t matter if your ass is already soaked and you’re dressed properly. 

Same time different day.

One of those crows is my friend. He enjoys everything bagels with no cream cheese and or apple fritters. He doesn't drink coffee, he drinks rainwater that pools up on the handrails.  The other crow is in training and likes whatever the first one likes. 




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from where I used to sit

October 22, 2019

ask me about UNICO properties

buildings designed by Yamasaki

and controlled demolition


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weather conditions wardrobe decisions

October 21, 2019

it's not about Lawrence Taylor

it's about the number fifty six

those in the know    knew

 

what she said that is

she said that is what

is what she said that

what is that she said

is that what she said

that is what she said

 

that's what she said 

 

 

is it raining? 

 

 

 

 


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hoods

October 20, 2019

rode a bike past Counterbalance everyday last week. didn't stop to ask Peter about those tool pouches but I did see this guy outside the shop.  


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take the best leave the rest

October 17, 2019

is it possible that Peter still has cases of those cute little T2 tool pouches left over from CMWC Seattle 2003 (see Counterbalance at 4:41)

I've used mine a few times since 2003


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3:33

October 15, 2019

my internal clock 

runs fast   analog   hard wired

always on     bar time

 

 

that's about as close as I get to haiku

11.5 years later   same as it ever was 


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product placement brand recognition XXXVII

October 14, 2019

Lane Kagay photo


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no eyed deer

October 13, 2019

with all due respect to bull's head 1942   this is no-eyed deer 2019 (58" x 33"x 6"). the bike parts have been kicking around the garage for years and were displayed for a while in a dark corner with the horns sadly drooping down. The gold frame found at a yard sale has been on the wall for a couple years with nothing but dull blue paint within. But this weekend it all came together when the wall behind the frame got some fresh red paint and the no-eyed deer got a couple reflector brackets to secure its horns to the wall in their full and upright position. For the holidays I plan to ziptie on a little red blinky light to create the red nosed no eyed deer. Ask me about shopping days 'til Christmas. 


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at all times

October 10, 2019

ten nine?

October 9, 2019

congratufuckinglations to 39

happy birthday to 87

and finally in conclusion just a wee bit of appreciation to all the messengers allover the world


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come on Eileen

October 7, 2019

 

Just last week a driver from the government job said to me “I saw you riding down Brooklyn, looked like you’re just out for a Sunday ride. You guys don’t even break a sweat on those things do you”  

 

I thought shit I was coasting downhill toward an intersection, my bike was empty, my route was done, it’s fucking Friday afternoon what are you talking about?   But what I said was “I’m not a Jimmy John, I’m not in a hurry” and I had to stop myself from trying to explain anything more. It all pays the same and it might look like I’m riding slow but I’m actually the most efficient person in the room right now. 

 

To the untrained eye smooth efficient movement doesn’t register and nobody embodied smooth efficiency like Tim Mason did. Cutting graceful lines and arcs through the core making money or winning races. The epitome of smooth.   

 

 

Just the other week I was riding on the Burke Gilman at 7:11am toward the mothership when some guy yelled “your bag’s open” and I thought was that some joker I know joking? Was that guy just being a dick? Or did that guy think he was actually being helpful pointing out something I was not aware of?  In any case he was annoying. I’m a crusty commuter with an ortlieb backpack and I ride with it open all the time unless it’s really really raining. Is it raining? You’ve seen Jackie and Jason rolling with open ortliebs all over town. 

 

In 1998-99 I had an ortlieb backpack I wore to work as an hourly legal messenger but I had to take it off and put it on hundreds of times per day digging for documents and binder clips and affidavits and exhibits so I soon went back to a one strap bag and I sold it to another messenger after I wiped all the Keith-Haring-like-painted-design off that I put on because it seemed like a good idea at the time.  

 

In 2019 I roll an ortlieb because it was a free promotional item for all Bike Works employees in 2014 or something like that and it still works and I only have to take it off and put it on a few times a day. 

 

 

Just a couple hours ago I cut the lower third off the legs of a pristine pair of bib tights that I got at Bike Works NWT for $125 less than retail because they were a donation from a semilocal bike shop that went out of business. I’ve never been a big fan of bibshorts bibknickers or bibtights but the price was right and now they’re knickers. As the weather is getting cooler and layers start to layer up bib tights remind me of a story this messenger from Copenhagen told me. (the guy on the left)  One wicked cold winter day he was layered up in various spandex getups including bib tights and or knickers as well as multiple jerseys and jackets and he had to take a piss. He made it to the mens room but by the time he began to peel off all the necessary layers to get down to business, he pissed his pants. 

 


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bikes bike

October 6, 2019

MOTHERLOAD (Official Trailer #2) from Liz Canning on Vimeo.

 

We made it to the 4:00 show yesterday at Central Cinema.  The kids and I but we did not ride there in or on a cargo bike.  The film was pretty great. I like cargo bikes. I like bikes. The film brought me to tears a few times when it touched on parenthood themes. The changes that come along with hauling around a kid or two. The changes that come along when the single life on a bike changes, when the simple life ain't so simple… 

 

The production time of the project was long enough to show her kids growing up from two toddlers smooshed in the cargo bike to two preteens riding off on their own bikes. And that was pretty great to see. 

 

The film also made me smile and nod in agreement when it touched on the whole idea of sitting in cars and the insulation and isolation from the world and things around you. 

 

we didn't hang out for the panel discussion following the film because my kids were really ready to get the hell out of there.  we were the first ones in and the first ones out. 

 


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same old shit

October 4, 2019

a modern interpretation of traditional materials

same old shit

that’s what I said

 

that’s what she said 

if you meet Buddha on the road

humble thyself and so on

 

when you get caught 

between the moon and Carson City 

the light shines through 

 

the image is projected on the wall

it reads correctly

depending on your point of view 

 

turned around inverted

backwards backass flipped

hold it up to a mirror

 

upside down

for the record

off the record

 

flip the record

two sides of the same coin

at 1,000,000 coin flips 

 

heads/tails approaches 50/50

at 1,000,000 coin flips

my thumb is tired 

 

 

 

 

sent this to my sister and she sent me this

 


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life is but a dream

September 30, 2019

row row row your boat

gently down the stream 

merrily merrily merrily merrily 

life is but a dream 

 

It was a helluva hella corndog that day before the other day. Matt put on a good show with only three days notice. I wanted to take one photo outside Wa Legal but I didn’t then I actually tried to take one sitting in Louisa Boren and my device was frozen inoperable touch screen no touchy touchy so no photo bro. If I did take that photo it would be here side by side with this Hella photo from 12.5 years ago featuring the same Louisa Boren overlook and the same Rob Fury my fellow quinquagenarian. You’ll have to visualize it. 

 

I didn’t wake up the next morning with a corndog tattoo but I know a few people that did. 

 

A highlight for me was having a couple beers with Mr. Corndog on memory lane and talking about the old days of the Seattle that used to be and how there is no job that comes next after being a messenger. There is no promotion because dispatching sucks and so does the office and the mailroom at Lane Powell is not an option. There is no job that years of messengering specifically prepares you for and there is no job that even compares or offers all the little things. 

 

I’m not a messenger but I used to be. Now I’m the final fifty fucking feet guy on an electric assist bathtub so I still get to walk in to offices and deliver things and walk out. Just this afternoon I walked into an office and kind of had to hold my breath as to not inhale too deeply the perfumes, colognes, microwave popcorns, air fresheners, aerosolized feces and simple chronic halitosis that stews and festers and makes up the atmosphere of indoor air and when I got back outside I shook my head and took a deep breath and reminded myself why I’m glad I don’t fucking work in there. 

 

Here's to you Steve. this bud's for you and this 1999 commercial sums it up you'll just have to change the names as you hum it to yourself and put in all the security guards, traffic cops, receptionists, elevator operators, paralegals, court clerks, US marshalls, bank tellers, baristas, bar tenders, dispatchers, office workers, mail room dudes and other messengers that give you the subtle nod of recognition and respect that you've earned over the last 20 years. 

 

 


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Catarina

September 27, 2019

 

perception is reality

or so the story goes

the parable the myth the legend

in your own mind

 

acid trip

black out dates

unlimited nights & weekends

what day is it? 

 

we now join 

your daily routine

already 

in progress

 

fixed gear conversion virgin’s whack track stand

toe straps too tight

attention      to all the wrong details 

don’t fuck with the limit screws dude 

 

the pendulum 

has to swing too far

before 

it can return 

 

tennis balls on the back legs of the walker 

scuffing down the hall out the door down the street

to the glycogen stores

completely depleted       Sold Out 

 

a slight variation in the routine 

 

radiates ripples across the continuum

concentric circles at regular intervals 

continuing from the center from the source

that seemed like a good idea at the time 

 


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HELLA hella corndogs

September 25, 2019

when they say September 28 they mean THIS Saturday

 

when he said Presidents Day he meant like 9 years ago bro

that April 26th was so 12.5 years ago


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my monday today is

September 23, 2019

historic triptych


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flush twice, it's a long way to the mail room

September 19, 2019

not not in my back yard (NNIMBY)

not not in my front yard (NNIMFY)

they're there they're there they're 

everyfuckingwhere 

 

 

as we talked about. my next coffee table book will focus on photographs of individually wrapped single serving sized bags of dogshit overflowing garbage cans in parks, playgrounds and public spaces. 

but my next next coffee table book with feature photos of junior junior proudly holding up Swisher Sweet wrappers that he's spotted in situ. 

don't even want to discuss my next next next coffee table book featuring photos of discarded dental picks. 


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make room for the good shit

September 18, 2019

I don't do a lot of book reviews but this is worth it. This is the good shit.  James Tate will sit well on the shelf next to Joy Williams who wrote a book that appeared here and was perhaps the last time I talked about a book worth owning. Pour me a beer someday and ask me about the line between poetry and flash fiction or the line between prose and journalism or the line between a bike lane and a sharrow. 

Can't say I knew of James Tate before this year and if I did it was lizard brain level. But when I saw his work in Poetry, then Fence, then the New Yorker it seemed to be everywhere preceding the release of this book. So I bought the book and then I learned more about him and saw his 10 or 12 other books available at the library. 


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vermilion zone

September 18, 2019

the soldering soldier is always in flux

 

unfinished business

moving right along

peristalsis 

parenthetical ellipsis

 

her lips is 

 

Oh

to visit the vermilion zone

and stay awhile

let me

apply liberally and evenly

as often as necessary      and

reapply after swimming

 

there’s no such thing

all things being equal

insert variable

plug & chug    plug & chug

 

for best results dry clean

or hand launder

in lukewarm water 




 

--Wrote this ditty ten years ago but I’m still haunted by the vermilion zone mumbling to myself as I roll around in the rain

and the R. Crumb is timeless, never gets old that is. 

 is it raining?

 


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time check

September 15, 2019

that's the signpost up ahead, next stop  the twilight zone


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lizard brain

September 13, 2019

I prefer to auto pilot back burner low bandwidth subconsciously lizard brain muscle memory pigeonhole all the stupid petty bullshit of everyday existence the workaday subsistence whenever I can.  It’s often easier said than done but when it goes down it opens up a little space for the good shit.  

 

Being 40 hour work week weak I don’t really care about your weekend plans or the idle chit chat that seems to be considered normal and or friendly. All that banter is an energy suck. 

 

 

 

You can make it yourself at home, it takes about nine hours. 

 

      or     

 

You can buy a 10lb chub of it at Safeway for $2.49. 

 

 

 


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"is it raining?" she said

September 11, 2019

is it raining? 

I thought you said you'd never forget

 

is it raining? 

I'm a frayed knot 

 

is it raining?

you came and you gave without taking

 

is it raining?

I'm nervous and my socks are too loose

 

is it raining? 

I cannot give any legal advice

 

is it raining? 

let's roll 


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you'll get nothing and like it

September 8, 2019

Don’t ask me about $400 12-speed cassettes spanning 10-50t or the derailleurs that go with them. You’ll get nothing.  Ask me about 7-speed freewheels and thumb shifters and shortcage XT derailleurs. This little number Steve set aside for me at Bike Works opens up possibilities to transform my monstrous single speed Rock Hopper into a 1 x 7 or make my kid’s Mt. Lion 1 x 6 look a whole lot cooler. 

 

Which reminds me, I like IPA.  I like Caddy Shack. I like Caddy-Shack-inspired names for IPA. In this big beer vortex we live in there are endless choices. But the colorful packaging graphics and great names are often far more impressive than the actual beer. this time the beer is as good as the name. 

 

 “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["the perfect riser bar"], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it, and the handlebar involved in this case is not that."    Paraphrasing supreme court justice Potter Stewart’s famous quote. I’ve been digging around recently for a riser bar to neoretro-retrofit a bike I’ve had for 20 years. I cannot and will not try to document the metrics in millimeters of rise and degrees of sweep. I’m more into eye-balling it as I pull it from a milkcrate packed with used handlebars. Visualizing it and how it fits in on any given bike with particular attention to the stem it'll be stuck in.  Visiting Bike Works yesterday I was surprised by the lack of packed milkcrates in both the warehouse and shop as they recently cleared shit out in their fall sale. Recycled Cycles actually had more used bars to look at this week and that hasn't happened very often in the last ten years.  The search continues. I'll know it when I see you get nothing and like it. 


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Marty

September 6, 2019

swipe it again

August 30, 2019

At 11:14am the dispatcher chirps me,

“pickup a rush roundtrip from the ACLU going to 44 West Mercer. Wait for the signature then take it back right away. We need you in the core to cover Nooners!”

Who is this we?  We only have two riders and the other one called in sick, again. And 44 West Mercer my ass. Bad addresses are no problem and We’ll be there right away. Labor costs are down while caloric output is steadily increasing in this December weather. It’s coming up Burberry everywhere, but where is the accompanying warm fuzzy holiday feeling I read about in the paper? 

Oh yeah. It’ll be a quick little jaunt out of the core… 

“Copy ACLU and the story to go with it”, I chirp

There used to be a little patch of nature on the way to LQA, a wetlands preservation greenbelt. It was one of my favorite strips of asphalt in Seattle. Surrounded by trees with a short descent into a sweeping right turn and no traffic on the smoothest road ever. The city recently sold the land to developers after the river dried up and there wasn’t really any wetland to preserve anymore. Then budget shortfalls heavily outweighed the weak protests about the loss of greenspace in the city. The loss of a place to sit down and actually feel like you weren’t in Seattle. The loss of a place where you could pull off the road to take a piss and easily disappear into thick undergrowth and maybe say hi to a few happy raccoons and some crazy looking birds and chirp out. The loss of a place where a Vietnam vet I once met, could campout for months.   

“Base to Matt!”

“I’m still 4 blocks away” I say, “it‘s a bad address anyway”

“Swipe it once!”

What? Swipe what? I’m not exactly sure what that phrase means, but in this context, I catch his misinformed drift. No 10-9 needed. This job would be a lot cooler if I didn’t have to talk to anyone on the Nextel. If I wanted to talk on the phone, I’d work in an office. Now I'm starting to smell a little stress. The attorney I‘m looking for, if he even has an office on West Mercer Street, and if he's in his office and available, will most likely take his time signing these documents, especially since the ACLU appears to be hounding him. It’s all the same to me, but I don’t need any added stress direct connecting me. 44 West Mercer? Is that a typo or what? It’s not like it could be confused with “eighteen” over the phone. And it’s not as simple or recognizable as the old 1911 2nd Ave dyslexic slip. 

I’m almost there or where it would be but this road doesn’t go through. Maybe I can take the stairs and they’ll spit me out up on Mercer... 

I open my eyes and look at the clock, it’s 12:03 so I guess we don’t need to worry about those Noon rushes anymore... But I’m not sure where I am. These stairs could be in any building built within the last 30 years. There are no windows but the floors are clearly labeled on each landing.  I try the doors on each floor, until I find one that's unlocked on level M2. When I step out of the stairwell the temperature is 20 degrees warmer and the stuffy air reeks like Graham & Dunn. The walls are covered with O’Keefe impressions and bad bleached bone desert scene murals. Around the corner I find myself in that Azteca we talked about earlier. Only it’s no longer an Azteca. But it obviously used to be. They just taped over the name on the sign and wrote the new name --Guadeloupe’s--in sharpie. If this building wasn’t even here three weeks ago how could Azteca already go out of business?.. 

I’m just trying to find the out, the way, up to West Mercer. 

A woman in a hound’s-tooth coat with matching earmuffs is leaving the restaurant with a stack of Styrofoam clamshells to-go. She gets up in my personal space and tells me there’s an elevator that goes up to Mercer. But I didn’t even ask her a question. When I approach the front counter, the hostess and a two busboys are gathered around a large Anasazi ceramic bowl filled with individually wrapped peppermint candies. But these aren’t the good kind, they’re some cheap Chinese knock-offs that look stale. When I reach for a mint, the busboys laugh at me and mumble something and before I say anything, the hostess says she’ll show me the elevator.  She walks around the counter once in a clockwise direction then into the restaurant. I follow her but have trouble keeping up. The place is packed.  The aisles are full and the tables are too close together. The third aisle is less crowded so I make my way through and bang my messenger bag against the back of several people’s heads as they eat their lunches of chimichanga combo platters and nachos mega grande. Nobody says anything they just get very angry, Seattle style. Near the far wall I come upon a large bald woman with the heavy shadow of a recently shaved moustache. She’s wearing a fake tuxedo T-shirt and the bottom half of a Snuggy held up with an old innertube. I can hear Simple Minds blaring on the one earbud she has in, but it doesn't remind me of Breakfast Club. She’s sitting on the floor and she's in the process of breast feeding a kid in a Houston Oilers helmet with an Earl Campbell jersey that‘s too small for him. No matter how far I extend my leg to step over her and the kid, the cleat on my shoe keeps snagging on her shirt because of her enormous breasts. After a few attempts looking like karate kid,  I’m committed and finally ready to shift my weight forward with a little hop off my left foot, my right shoe pulls her shirt down. She says, “I see an alligator” but I keep walking, scared to look back because I assume she’s referring to one of her tattoos that is now exposed. When I eventually get out of Guadeloupe’s, the hostess is long gone and all I can see are non-descript cement walls and rows of planter boxes containing no plants and no soil but filled with exhausted inkjet cartridges. There are piles of expired fire extinguishers stacked neatly here and there. Walking and walking the vacant office plaza there is nobody in sight.  

Pondering various maladies that could cause me to feel like I’m walking in quicksand wearing cement shoes and a lead suit. Expending so much energy and accomplishing so little. It’s no longer stressful, just frustrating. 

I have no idea what time it is and I can’t remember where I locked my bike.

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure I dreamed this in 2009

I took the photo in 2019


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same shit different air freshener*

August 28, 2019

a sweet sweet Italian steel frame with a Campy Record headset punctuated by a threadless stem converter, a stack of spacers and an adjustable stem maxed out to eleven clamped to a drop bar with interrupter levers. 

 

horseshit

 

 

 

 

*Lil Wayne 


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parallel lines on a slow decline

August 27, 2019

It’s not so much a commentary on bilking the taxpayers. That story is worn out and worn thin. Key words are replaced and rearranged and it runs again. So much so it’s no longer interesting. Like Inslee’s presidential campaign expenses. Although this has to be one of the most expensive bike racks in the state of Washington, with room for six bikes to get out of the rain. I see it used once every other month or so. The only bike rack I can think of that costs more taxpayer dollars is a car on the light rail that has hooks for only two bikes with room for a total of six bikes on an entire train.   

 

 

 

I’m more interested in light and shadow and the angle of the sun in late August at this latitude. Negative space. Parallel lines. Groups of three. Triptychs and Guided by Voices lyrics. 

 


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piffy on a rock bun

August 23, 2019

What are we waiting for? We’re not waiting for godot we’re waiting for our supervisor to walk by with yet another americano. That’s how we roll. Those lines painted on the road are suggestions that some people follow. I got a sharrow here bro but nobody is really sure what that means. It’s not piffy, it’s pithy as in concise or terse. Occam’s disposable razor. Single use throw away culture.  Nepotism runs in the family. The map says “you are here”   how did I get here? Dead reckoning from the last known fix in 1997. A nonspecific length of innertube wrapped around then covered in electrical tape and secured with neatly trimmed zip ties. I’m not making this shit up I’m just the conduit moving it around town. 

 


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in absentia

August 16, 2019

dual pivot long reach mentholatum

washed up ceramic bearing big in Japan

 

big pulley short cage conduit

cable actuated retroactive attitude

 

cross threaded cream filled reverse commute  

all tool interfaces stripped rounded mashed 

 

just riding along

in absentia

 

reduce   reuse   fuck off

no in loco parentis    

 

your mom doesn’t work here

clean up your shit 

 

dirty laundry aired loudly at the front of the room 

“nonfat decaf latte extra hot no foam!”

 

sentimental reasons to hang onto the quilt

stitched from souvenir Tyvek® STP jackets 

 

Tom Bice always said

Is this the life or what?

 

he also said

It’s worse when you lie about it 

 


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final fifty feet

August 12, 2019

Lately I’ve been thinking about the final 50 feet and this photo that Craig Etheridge took ten years ago gets the message across. 

 

An autonomous vehicle could find 1201 3rd but it couldn’t get the documents up to Perkins Coie. A drone could find 1001 4th but it couldn’t bring those four boxes up to the 21st floor and stack them behind the paralegal’s desk. The on-trac robot won't catch the typo and will be circling the block near 2nd Ave West when it should be going to 2nd Ave South. 

 

Lots of logistics experts and transportation planners sit around conference room tables and talk about streamlining delivery, improving loading docks and traffic flow in dense urban areas.  But they still need a messenger to take that theoretical shit the final fifty feet. I can assure you there were no experienced messengers sitting in on any of those meetings.

 

I think it would be tough to find a messenger that could stomach one of these meetings and there's a $15,000 buy-in for a seat at the table

 

Most experts agree that the final piece of the puzzle will not be automated for many years. 

 

the final fifty fucking feet

the final fucking fifty feet

the fucking final fifty feet


 


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the carpet matches the drapes

August 7, 2019

give me your tired, your poor, your old eyewear from a previous team sponsorship that you can no longer wear because of your current contract

August 6, 2019

Jonny Sundt’s Axleys finally bit the dust.  August 5, 2019 10:27am I reached down to retrieve them from the bottom of the cargo box but because their right arm was pinned under a box of books it bent backwards beyond repair. 

Since whatever year (2006ish) Mr. Sundt gave me these shades they mostly sat in storage and came out once in a while in the summer months. I believe they made at least one trip with me on a great bike ride across Iowa. But recently they’ve gotten more daily use because the sun reflects off the large laminated campus map affixed atop the cargo box on the electric assist bathtub I roll around in Monday through Friday giving everything a sunny disposition.

The glass is half full.

 


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pick up your pick

August 3, 2019

Pilder junior junior has developed a keen eye for Swisher Sweet wrappers in the wild as you may have seen 15 or 20 photos of him here holding fragments of varying flavor and size. I have not gotten him hooked on hunting dental picks although it wouldn’t be hard to do. I have however gotten Dr 37 Mike to see them all over the place because once you see them you can’t unsee them and they’re everywhere. He recently sent me photos of a bike ride on a pristine wilderness trail where he rolled up upon a dental pick.  

 

Poached the photo above from a book I like but I’d like it even more if its constructions were constructed with only things found on the ground. 

 

My next coffee table book is going to be photos of garbage cans near schools and parks overflowing with hundreds of colorful bags of dogshit and photos of entitled dog owners setting just one more little doodie bag on top of the precarious pile. 

 


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songbird

July 30, 2019

Q factor : Jan Heine  :: rubber bands : Shelley Tennant

 

bringing home the canadian bacon

 

the ponytail won’t hide the bald spot but the beret will

 

taciturn fecundity

 

psychosomatic consumerism

 

how many different routes can he walk from his office to the men’s room 

 

She obsessed compulsively over the details delusional in thinking that if she stuck to the routine she’d have some control over the outcome the results the events unfolding yesterday today and everyday

 

Nomar Garciaparra 

 

Step out of the box 

 

Idle hands are tools of the devil 

 

Set an alarm but be sure to wake before it goes off 

 

TMJ-inducing stress dreams somewhere along the coffee-beer continuum

 

When your first stop this morning was your last stop last night 

 

Dead men don’t wear plaid 

 

(Your Name Here) 

 

arial rounded italic bold 

 

numerous variables must fall into place for the two commuters to meet each morning at the same time in the same place on the Burke Gilman Trail

 

plug n chug

 

dig deeper

 

get in the drops

 

the broken clock on the wall behind the bar keeps catching my eye subconsciously noting the passage of time or lack thereof same time different day

 

free beer tomorrow 

 

this page intentionally left blank

 

I’m not angry  I’m disappointed

 

Is it anxiety?       Is it creativity?

 

it’s the other side of the same coin

 

Yin Yang this   bro

 

Franklin claims Kenny G but Garfield had Jimi Hendrix and Bruce Lee

 

Ask me about entitled millennials on electric assist cargo bikes

 

Ask me if I had a good weekend

 

Ask me about your learned helplessness

 

it’s a steep learning curve but any one-eyed dyslexic monkey could do it as long as they can ride a bike and pretend to differentiate between 353650 and 353560 as well as 355630 and 355360

 

do me a favor - don’t do me any favors

 

separate they’re three simple words used in a variety of contexts but when they’re strung together just so they invoke feelings of dread and disgust like no other. Those three words are: South Lake Union

 

Proceed to the point of the turn

 

This too shall pass

 

On your left

 

broken social scene behind blue eyes

 

servings per container  alcohol by volume 

 

as of 7/30/19 Patsy Swayze is kicking the shit out of Merce Cunningham 

 

gold star for robot boy

 

Is that all there is? 

 


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pilder what?

July 27, 2019

RAGBRAI 2019 with the pilderwasser collective


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New York Noose 1275

July 25, 2019

doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this

July 24, 2019

Patsy Swayze

July 18, 2019

Yesterday I delivered a shovel to Life Sciences which was a 5 minute jaunt but it reminded me of the guy that took the photo below, the guy that rides around town with a shovel and a rake, a hori hori and a pair of gloves. But the real highlight of the ride was Patsy Swayze. G&O has nicknames for the electric assist getups on the bikes they build. The fleet we’ve had features the Merce Cunningham which is based on the EZ front hub motor. And now we have two new bikes featuring the Patsy Swayze built around the GMAC rear hub motor from GRIN Technologies. This thing kicks ass. It’s powerful and ideal for hauling heavy cargo with the regenerative braking. Coasting down hill you’re actually pumping juice back into the battery and not burning through brake pads every two weeks.  It was designed by gear heads and bike geeks that actually get outside and ride. Not by a bunch of chuffers sitting at a conference room table discussing trends in the bike industry.  

 


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three orange whips

July 17, 2019

 

one of these custom made caps not hats you've seen on instagram made its way into my zipcode and soon packs of them will be making their way across Iowa from west to east 


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Divine Cycling Horseshit

July 16, 2019

another installment in the sad Mad Fiber saga


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rat race

July 15, 2019

The people who went down from above and up from below and down from above and up from below are the people who did not go up from below nor down from above nor up from below nor down from above. 

 

by Yi Sang 

 


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Pantone 18-3737

July 10, 2019

Excuse me, do you know your way around campus or are you just a delivery guy? 

 

I'm not sure what you're going to ask me next but I already know that if I do know the answer I don't really want to tell you or talk to you or help you out. 

 

In dense urban areas bike messengers are rolling Thomas Guides full of local knowledge but they're also magnets for stupid questions from tourists and bros.  And when the questions are loaded with attitude and condescension it's best to just say "I don't know" 

I even made a silkscreen 13 years ago and printed it right on my bag.  I don't know

 

I do know that Tapatio will always remind me of Stevil, even when it's in individually wrapped single serving sized containers and that this is more than I ever wanted to know about Pantone 18-3737


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Saturday, in the park, I think it was the sixth of July

July 8, 2019

entitled millennials on lime bikes

July 7, 2019

Entitled millennials on their devices

 

Entitled millennials on their way to work, late

 

Entitled millennials on the elevator

 

Entitled millennials on the escalator

 

Entitled millennials on the light rail

 

Entitled millennials on the curb waiting for their uber

 

Entitled millennials on lime bikes

 

Entitled millennials on a different axis of rotation

 

 


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counterclockwise in the northern hemisphere

July 6, 2019

enough to eat and a book to read

July 1, 2019

stumbled upon this book at the library and I like it enough to suggest it to you if you're into writing and words and introspection and the petty details of everyday life and the ways that it all inspires bigger questions 


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bike messenger vs fax machine

June 28, 2019

You can slowly feed it into a fax machine if you could find one that works but whatever comes out on the other end won’t pay the rent. 

 

You can transfer money instantly with PayPal but there’s no money in your account. 

 

You can download the app but Erica can’t handle a bag of cash. 

 

You can talk for hours about cryptocurrency but it’s all horseshit. 

 

You can call a bike messenger. 

 


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pro hac vice

June 25, 2019

sunny day idea

buy a bicycle

ride it once

just this once

pro hac vice

twenty years later

it's another donation

nonprofit bike shop

upright comfort hybrid

adjustable stem stuck

grip shift pieceofshit

blownout front suspension

stepthrough aluminum nightmare

 

An ode to Bike Works this is and all those other nonprofit bike shops out there asking for donations. I’m not a yourbikesucks shit talker unless you can’t keep it out of my face and your bike really does suck, then I will gladly point it out. I have pulled 10000 donated bikes out of dumpsters and rolled them, bike trailered them and driven them in trucks and vans back to base as well as walked them from the Ferdinand fence over to Hudson Street on repeat repeatedly so I feel like I earned the right to talk shit about adjustable stems and blown out front suspension of disbelief. An upright comfort hybrid doesn’t speak to me the way it did to its original owner. Seattle sits on an aquifer of cycling, which is great because the donations roll in. However, while the board of directors is bragging about bike donations the foot soldiers are out there diving into dumpsters full of tangled piles of rusty shitty bikes extracting them one by one and it kinda sucks sometimes.  I have a great deal of respect for those that continue to work in small nonprofit bike shops. 

 

 


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from point A to Toni Braxton

June 20, 2019

There’s a brief stretch of time in June between the end of spring quarter and the start of summer quarter when 30,000 undergraduates disappear from the habitrails in and around the education factory and a fellow government worker refers to this as the most wonderful time of the year.

 

If you’ve looked at this page here once or twice over the past 12 years you probably know that I cannot string most-wonderful-time together in a sentence without visualizing Toni Braxton in a red turtleneck. If you’re having trouble seeing what I’m seeing this will help.

 

Found this rock near the Meany loading dock and it says I should post a photo on the Yakima Valley Rocks facebook page. But I don’t do facebook.

 


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gonna ride 'til I can't no more

June 18, 2019

that's me in the corner

June 18, 2019

Plausible deniability grows on trees in Rainier Beach and the trees grow well down there on the edge of Skyway. Sally took this photo of a beautiful sunset in early June and I cropped a couple characters out of it but that’s another story and maybe you already saw it all on instagram. I know an attorney at Perkins Coie and she can comment further on the importance of hand position and a proper toe point but that’s yet another story. That’s me in the corner bracing for impact focusing on my beer in the  OH NO  5 - 0  mug that was presented to me earlier that evening. The mug was still in that same spot the next morning full of beer so perhaps I just set it down and walked away only to forget where I put my beer so let’s just say I have no recollection of the events in question and therefore I can neither confirm nor deny any allegations.

 


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things I don't remember

June 17, 2019

how the hell'd we get here?

how the hell did we get here?  


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coffee like it's 1996

June 15, 2019

it's the same on the weekend as the rest of the days except the seamless transitions along the coffee-beer continuum occur at slightly different times as today is my Saturday but yesterday was my Friday

I stumbled upon an 18-8 stainless steel double wall vacuum sealed spill proof coffee cup designed in Montana (made in China) at a thriftstore for a small fraction of the MSRP and then when I stuck this sticker on it became a throwback that fits fine in the Profile Design cup holder holding hot things hotter and cold things colder longer just don't ask me about #vanlife fucking horseshit photos of coffee cups and french presses in the woods


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same coozie different beer

June 13, 2019

same coozie different year. long story short the coozie came home after 10 years and countless cans of beer. 


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same shirt different day

June 10, 2019

same shirt different decade


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something like a phenomenon

June 7, 2019

I've had a cargo bike at home for 8 years and I've resisted the electric assist trend because I really like simplicity and also because I don't ride it very much at all in 2019. I'm very happy I did not choose an electric get-up back in 2011 because by now it would be so outdated I'd have to upgrade two or three more times to keep up with the technology if I was the kind of person that felt like they needed to keep up with trends and technology. My plan is to keep on keeping it simple going with the go slow grocery getter powered by a 1 x 8 drivetrain with pedals pushed by my feet. 

the future on the work cargo bike front looks like a GMAC rear hub motor from GRIN.   I can tell you more about it when I know more about it.  But I can tell you that the electric assist is an essential part of the job as a nonessential government worker


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manufactured authenticity

June 5, 2019

 

 

17 years ago this advertising insert was printed in an issue of kickstand

manufactured authenticity is still fake as fuck   

it's the same as it ever was but the prices don't seem so outlandish in 2019


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White Center is the new beer

June 4, 2019

if they weren't sold out I'd be wearing this t-shirt right now.

Kevin Watson is the new black. He's also the old black. He's future primitive but not neo-retro. 


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waves of inertia

June 3, 2019

ask me about my degree from the finest liberal arts school in the country


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human subjects division

May 31, 2019

first things first

Jumbo baked potato

Just say no

Mutually assured destruction

Supply side economics

Trickle down theory

Trust but verify

Actor turned politician

Win win situation

Head set press

Crown race installer

Fingernail polish remover

Essential wine aerator

Crusty old messenger

Highly trained professional

Used car salesman

Child support payment

Dead beat dad

King County Superior

Law school aptitude

Old boy network

adjunct professor emeritus

in title only

Fish head soup

Tastes like chicken

Finger lickin good

Inter office memo

Extra marital affair

High school cheerleader

Naked boot leg

Left handed pitcher

Bare foot kicker

Kick return specialist

Special needs child

Plays mean pinball

New and improved

Bottle cage bolt

Video cassette recorder

Original unsigned order

Down hill coast

Talk show host

Irritable bowel syndrome

Food borne illness

Rocket propelled grenade

Night vision goggles

Post traumatic stress

Stand up base

Firm hand shake

One trick pony

Two by four

Turtle neck sweater

Lower back tattoo

Non fat decaf

Loose ball bearing

Fork or chopstick

Paper in plastic

Stone temple pilot

Full suspension disbelief

Fresh ground pepper

Breast reduction surgery

Long haul trucker

Catholic school girl

White tail deer

Ice cold beer

Other brother Daryl

Most wonderful time

Man made fiber

Open ended question

Rush hour traffic

Dexter avenue chuffer

Monday night football

rent   a cop

Dawns early light

Refined white sugar

Over stuffed chair

Stove top stuffing

Limited liability corporation

Chief executive officer

As registered agent

Tough as nails

Diamonds are forever

Nothing lasts forever

One hit wonder

Birds eye view

Old growth forest

Off shore drilling

Off street parking

Ground level retail

Just this once

Pro hac vice

Easter egg hunt

Back door pass

Shatter proof glass

shot gun wedding

Short attention span

Ground rule double

Power play goal

Personal space invader

Hand tooled leather

Back in black

On the fly

In loco parentis

Minor in possession

Open container citation

Full frontal nudity

Standing room only

Snow capped mountain

High blood pressure

Itchy trigger finger

Quality of life

 

this is a little list I made 2009ish as there wasn't much bike messenger work so I was always scribbling in a notebook...

...ten years later I'm delivering shit rolling around on an electric assist bathtub and the list continues. It never ends. I just get another notebook.  

 

human subjects division

walking the walk

talking the talk

key card access

Roosevelt Commons East

brush your teeth

national public radio

school social work

in the alley

trash strewn everywhere

office of admissions

cheap chinese shit

suspended operations makeup

speak the lingo

on the downlow

on the flipside

on the spectrum

attention deficit dyslexia

music auto sprinkler

tower mail room

honey bucket suck

take your pick

nonessential government worker

boy on phone

half your age

water front activities

intercollegiate athletics department

Portage Bay Building

under graduate library

post doctoral research

college built environments

physics astronomy building

Mark McDermott Plaza

proof of delivery

unauthorized personal mail

chemical engineering bro

Board of Regents

cost benefit analysis

risk management consultant

return on investment

shipping and receiving

Doug's coffee shop

your own cup

Husky Card Office

housing food services

applied physics lab

Life Sciences Building

Burke Gilman trail

left turn signal

full kitted roadie

on your left

what the fuck

Kirsten Wind Tunnel

Paul Allen Center

Bill Melinda Gates

Magnuson Park Brewery

North Lake Tavern

north bound train

behind yellow line

union coffee break

like fucking clockwork

trained monkey see

electric assist bathtub

fully full throttle

front wheel drive

fast as fuck

Jimmy John fast

sick skid bro

slow down joe

less is more

one breakfast burrito

road less traveled

hypotenuse through park

washed up messenger

out of retirement

rose colored glasses

Jonny Sundt's Axleys

big time laddie

Big Time Brewery

and so on

 

 

 

 


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i've seen fire and i've seen rain

May 30, 2019

just yesterday morning...rolling the Burke Gilman at 7:13am a few blocks from work and I heard a booming "pilderwasser" so I stopped and turned around in a RAGBRAI flashback and there was Ian. I knew Ian as pickle-roll-yerba-mate-pickle-juice & rum across Iowa long before I knew what Bicycle Benefits were but now I see him in random places at random times in this time zone for a few minutes every few years or so. 


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double camo drive side

May 28, 2019

when I say Dick Thurnau

you say White Center bike playground

 

when they said Hicks Lake

Dick said Hicklin Lake

 

when I say frisbee golf

my daughter says it's disc golf 


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the ubiquitous plastic keg cup

May 24, 2019

there is no fucking evite but this is an electronic reminder and please note the start time may have changed since you got your paper invitation in the mail two months ago and because I still see things in a hard copy way a printed paper cut & paste like scissors and glue way and a how will it look photocopied seventy five times way I’d like to think I could print this out and put it in an envelope and have a messenger deliver it or I could just fax it to you.  


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drip coffee

May 23, 2019

The dream is always the same... (I cannot string those words together without noting the Risky Business dream sequence)... I’m walking out of the Henry and it’s 10:23am the gallery isn’t open yet but City Grind is and in my left hand I’m holding a cup of coffee and brown bag containing two small breakfast burritos at the same time on my right index finger I’m twirling my bike keys on a AHTBM key leash much like a bored lifeguard home from college for the summer twirling his whistle on a lanyard endlessly as I ford the passing period river of undergraduates flowing to and fro I stutter step and the keys go flying off my finger on a high arcing trajectory then everything goes into slow motion and the keys soon land deep in the bushes just past the Schmitz overpass.


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bike lane shi ts

May 20, 2019

 this recent DANK bags photo brings to mind from deep in the photographic memory another second avenue bike lane shit photo bro from a simpler time when horses walked the streets, a 6-pack of tallboys was $5 and the bike lane ran in one direction


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big screen

May 18, 2019

i know a guy that'll be showing this on the big screen June 6 if he can line up enough viewers before May 26

 

get yourself in line here


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pollen count

May 18, 2019

some day a real rain will come and wash the pollen off the rubber baby backup bumpers on the loading dock at Meany Hall until then little light sprinkles like bike to work day rains will just swirl the pollen soup creating small patterns on surfaces that remind one of a bigger picture out there


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proper paperclip placement

May 14, 2019

took this photo a couple months ago. 

wrote those words ten years ago. 

not the spray paint, the other words.

 

and now that I'm a nonessential government worker it's all coming together


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fixed gear conversion virgin whack track stand

May 14, 2019

When I was your age they called it “Bike to Work Day” which in my mind translates as “honey can you pick me up after work because it might rain later day”    But now they call it “Bike Everywhere Day” or something like that. Which brings me back to this red bike, the most piece of shit bike I’ve seen in a long time. If this is your bike please don’t take it personally really riding a bike, any bike is great and it beats driving or taking an uber or riding the bus and I hope to see the proud owner of this bike cruising across campus someday because as you can see they love their bike and lock it up with not only a u-lock but two cable locks too.  I’ve seen a lot of bikes that suck and this one really really really sucks. I’ve pulled thousands of bikes out of tangled piles in donation dumpsters. I’ve seen some shit bikes but this is the cheapest possible cheap shit MSRP completely full of cost cutting measures right down to the straight seatpost the lack of bottle cage bolts and the bolt-on front hub the bottom bracket and the welded on fucking crap chainring. A bike like this retails for about $189 at walmart but it costs about $14.50 to produce in a factory in China, even less if you up your order to 10,000 units. The coaster brake allows the kid to putoff the look of a brakeless fixed gear which is hilarious because it’s so Fast Friday ago and this kid was in 1st grade back then. But in reality this bike is unsafe at any speed over 7mph. Parked on the bike rack at Atmospheric Sciences I just can’t stop staring at it and shaking my head because it’s such a piece of shit painted red as if dumping a gallon of febreeze in the alley behind the dumpster will mask the smell but it only makes the alley smell more like piss and shit and vomit with a hint of febreeze. For $189 you could buy a solid used bike at a place like Bike Works and ride it to work everyday for a long long time.

 


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same time different year

May 14, 2019

I prefer to take a holistic approach to my compartmentalization. This site has been up for 731 weeks or as I like to say 14 years. Since 2005 not much has changed here and not much will change.  you cannot make this site mobile friendly or download the app or do whatever the kids are doing these days while they stare at their phones.

Some things however have changed out there on earth and they're growing like weeds. 


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Happy Mother's Day

May 12, 2019

May 12, 1997

May 9, 2019

traditionally when May 12 falls on a Sunday the video will post on the Friday before

 

22 years plus or minus 3 days

22 years plus or minus 3 degrees Fahrenheit 

 

22 years plus or minus a profile design bottle cage

22 years plus or minus or something like that

 

22 years and nothing to talk about but the weather 


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rookie strap

May 9, 2019

two Jimmy Johns walk into a bar

only they're not walking   they're running

and they bump into an old lady

only it's not an old lady, it's Flapjack

and he says

SLOW DOWN   ROOKIE


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it's still a quality of life issue

May 8, 2019

little plastic wrappers on the little plastic straws on the little plastic juice pouches

May 6, 2019

recently I’ve been noticing piles and piles of spent toner cartridges stashed in the corners and closets within the seedy underbelly of the large education factory that I roll around most weekdays. But the other day I stayed at the house of a friend’s friend and in the morning had a convenient cup of coffee and since then I’ve been visualizing thousands of kiddie pools filled with cashed keurig k-cup pods in a seemingly endless variety. I know it’s just a drop in the bucket just a scratch on the surface of the tip of the iceberg of our insatiable appetite for shipping containers full of plastic shit from China. If in one weekend visit I burned through four of those cute little fucking pods pulling the spent one and chucking it in the garbage only to  replace it with the promise of a fresh clean convenient pod… ...what if I stayed at the friend’s friend’s house and saved them up for one year in kiddie pools in their backyard? How about 5 years? Just one little tangible indicator of consumption. Like toner cartridges tossed aside by 80,000 students, faculty and staff. And they say we’re moving towards being a paperless society. Yeah right, and the fax machine will kill the bike messenger. Or how about how the fucking mountains of styrofoam coolers and packing material those guys at molecular engineering collect reminds me to remind you to ask those guys down at DANK bags about their 6-pack ring collection.

 

Don’t get me wrong I’m not claiming to be some kind of green guru environmental expert on recycling or something or anything or something I’m just noticing things. Ask me about disposable diapers and asswipes and how anything that says “flushable” is not even close to ok to flush.  I drink a lot of coffee and sometimes I use a reusable cup. I drink a lot of beer so I have a kegerator but not because I’m worried about saving the earth. Finally, in closing,  I ride a ride a bike but not for environmental reasons, it just makes sense.


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Rooney

May 2, 2019

Shaggy photo


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nostalgia for what never was

April 26, 2019

each time I pass an armored car that's parked in a random bullshit spot I mumble to myself "I heard those guys are dicks" and I smile thinking of Seth

I like to say phantom ass-pocket-U-lock syndrome which is a specific form of phantom nostalgia syndrome, poets like to use the word saudade, but that guy in the hard hat is on the phone saying "please send 25 over to link together a grip of starbucks straws with a wad of gum on the end so he can fish out the five dollar bill that's down there"

 


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bloviating

April 24, 2019

sometimes reading a book review is enough and there's no need to read the book

 

It’s easy to poke fun at office workers when you get to pop in and out paying only brief visits once or twice per day. Long enough to smell what was in the microwave or who wears too much perfume or catch a snippet of empty conversation about parking or traffic or TV or the weather.

some offices I visit once a day evoke strong feelings and reminders of why I am not a 9-5 office kind of guy. 

 


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reinventing the sliced bread

April 24, 2019

"The phrase is sometimes used without derision, when a person's activities might be perceived as merely reinventing the wheel, when they actually possess additional value. For example, "reinventing the wheel" is an important tool in the instruction of complex ideas. Rather than providing students simply with a list of known facts and techniques and expecting them to incorporate these ideas perfectly and rapidly, the instructor instead will build up the material anew, leaving the student to work out those key steps which embody the reasoning characteristic of the field."  -wikipedia bro

 

I like to think a HCDE student spent her entire winter quarter designing a bottle cage and 3D printing it. She got an A- on the project then took it over to Recycled Cycles and got $5 store credit for it.  The next day I picked it up and took a photo then chucked it back in the bucket and bought two Profile Design cages in pristine condition for less than half the price of her big project. 

 


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how i roll that is

April 16, 2019

constant cost-benfit analysis

that's neither here nor there

that's my jam

 

where you are 

where you wanna be

inside outside     come around

 

 


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1993 Trek 2200 composite

April 14, 2019

my friend neighbor got this at a thrift store a few months ago and brought it over to see if I could revive the blownout brifters but I could not and it's been in my garage ever since collecting dust. I did take it out to take this photo. Viewing this bike through the eyes of a bike mechanic that refurbished a shit load of used bikes I feel just a bit shy of tepid. As my former mechanic self I might not touch it and sell it dirt cheap as-is. I might strip it of its useful parts in order of excitement for me they are: the el diablos, the rear derailleur, the brake calipers, the stem and the cranks. Then I'd chuck the frame as far as I could. ( I did suggest my friend take his new used bike to Bike Works and have them set it up just like he likes )  This bike doens't do much for me except remind me of 33 John because he rode one in 1997 when we both worked at Elliott Bay.  If anyone can delaminate carbon fiber 33 John can. exploit the bond between carbon and aluminum. enjoy the strange creaks and crackling and croaking of a frame pushed past its limits. ride a bike into the ground remove the parts you like and repeat. Strong-like-ox 33 could play Grizzly Adams in a bike messenger centric remake. I remember when he was working Zen Courier and he destroyed the hood of a Honda with his fists after the driver cut him off and he would have gotten to the driver too if the construction workers building Benaroya Hall didn't call the cops. I remember when 33 was dispatching at Elliott Bay and he took a minute to sing the Gilligan's Island theme song on the mic repeating the opening line many many times in a row cracking himself up. I remember the "promotion" to dispatcher didn't suit 33 too well, sitting in a small windowless room with a phone and a radio is a long way from roaming the streets on a bike especially when you rip gnarly farts all day everyday like 33 John.  


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tall tales

April 13, 2019

 

photo from Tuesday,  memo from 1999

 

 

June 30, 1999     3:28pm

 

From:  Ben Birnie

To:      All ABC;   Carol Boddy

Re:      BBQ

 

One hot summer day in September 1987 about 1:20:43 pm I was delivering a small copy machine and seven three inch binders to a residence in Redmond for Davis, Wright, Tremaine. It was such a nice day I thought I’d bike the long way around on the Burke Gilman Trail. I got as far as downtown Bothell when a chicken came out of the brush and ran under my front tire. With the extensive weight on myself and the bike the front wheel ran over the chicken injuring it and gave the tire a flat. With only nine minutes left to make the delivery, I strapped the dying chicken on top of my satchel hoping to find a vet hospital on the way to my delivery. I threw the bike over my right shoulder, carried the copy machine under my left arm and satchel on my back with the notebooks and chicken. I ran to Redmond and made my delivery, but it was too late for the chicken. I called in to dispatch and Chris Van Damme answered, I told him of my plight and Chris being an animal lover, sent me off to give the bird a proper send off. So I started on my way back looking for a nice place to dispose of the chicken. On my way through Woodinville a sign caught my eye, CHICKEN. I ran over the train tracks to where I saw the sign and lo and behold ARMADILLO BBQ. We threw the chicken on the grill, slapped some sauce on it and I’ve been in love with their food ever since.  


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i'm still not your Jimmy John

April 12, 2019

Jimmy John is not the new black but there are numerous subliminal messages oozing out of the sweaty cleavage between the breakfast burritos


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the squeaky wheel gets annoying

April 9, 2019

award winning architecture makes for a good place to get a cup of coffee even if the coffee isn't so great


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I'm not creating the bullshit I'm just moving it around town

April 4, 2019

today I read this little ditty I wrote 20 years ago and what sticks with me now is how much has continued to stick with me like reaching into my tool belt for the same old worn out tools mumbling those same phrases to myself 20 years later like that crazy lady at the bus stop I'm still juggling the petty details of everyday life just as I was in 1999 making good time but not making much progress on the personal road to inner peace

 

today before I set out for work I said to myself I'd like to get myself a Free Range Cycles T-shirt and I'm not going to buy it on Amazon I'm going to buy it from Free Range Cycles a truly local bike shop and then I thought maybe I can bring them a souvenir of yesteryear like an issue of kickstand with a Free Range ad designed by Mitch in the late 90s.     In the archives I found a pristine copy of issue #8 so I notarized it and then I hand-delivered it via bicycle to the shop at 35th & Phinney and along the way I read the little ditty about bad coffee contained therein. 

Free Range doesn't have T-shirts but they will some day


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still life with chair

April 4, 2019

petty details

March 31, 2019

between Robert Aldrich and Kenneth McCaffree that's me lost in the petty details of everyday living tuning in and out of long winded stories about something or other how your mom named you Carroll but you went by Chuck then you served on the Faculty Senate for six years until that incident ended your run zoned out like your Husky Card down to its last $2 when you entered the three digits for your bag of sriracha ranch potato skins and the bag jammed in the double corkscrew hanging by one fraction of one corner your card now down to $0.25 unable to purchase another bag to hopefully push out two you summoned help from a bystander to tilt the entire vending machine forward to March 31, 2019   


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accept bicycles

March 29, 2019

Most people size-up the situation as they approach the 4-way stop and they may or may not stop except chuffers on lime bikes that blow through full speed exploiting the forcefield that they believe enveloped them when they downloaded the app

 

John Forester encouraged transportation planners not to use the phrase “except bicycles”

 

Traffic was gridlock except bicycles flowed freely

 

There will be no parking provided except bicycle

 

Anytime an arterial in Seattle is redesigned it shall include bike lanes except 35th Ave NE

 

The link light rail was planned out 27 years ago with forethought for everything except bicycles

 

Seattle is a great place to ride a bike except in Rainier Beach

 


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product placement brand recognition

March 26, 2019

two bike messengers walk into a bar 25 years later but the bar is gone and in its place is a five story condo featuring street-level retail that includes vegan ice cream and organic pet food 


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boy on phone

March 24, 2019

in the early 90s I bought this little guy in the cake decoration section at Fountain Drug in Bellingham. His name is boy on phone and I like to think of him speaking not only on a land line but on a rotary phone in a simpler time that only exists in my phantom nostalgia syndrome memories.  

these days when I see everyone walking around staring at their phones and stepping into the street in front of busses, garbage trucks and cyclists I'm dumbfounded but I smile and think of boy on phone. 


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celery root 4585

March 22, 2019

dry mouth abated     xylitol

saliva flows again

 

not exactly a pavlovian response

it puts the lotion on its skin

 

heads you win

face value

 

on the flip side

tails you lose

 

they must have seen you coming

they’ll get you coming and going

 

red shift       blue shift

hi-vis is the new black

 

stacks & stacks

cracked plastic adirondack chairs

 

kiddie pools filled with

spent toner cartridges

 

there’s a special place in the brain for

addresses, suite numbers and hits from the 80s

 

random access memory

the plu # for celery root

 

ssiiiiiiiick     said Four-Six

long winded stories with no punch line

 

what’s the point

that’s the point

 


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solid state

March 20, 2019

I met the owner of this solid state Ross the other Monday and she calls it her "tank"

 

she's had it since 1982 and she'll probably still have it when all the local bike shops go out of business because the bike industry goes completely on-line direct-to-consumer-mail-order delivery via On-Trac independent contractors and bike repair will only be available from mobile bike shops 

 

the cool thing is she won't need much repair work done on this beauty in the next 30 years


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Happy Birthday to she

March 19, 2019

spring loaded

March 18, 2019

on the favoritism spectrum

March 15, 2019

do me a favor, don't do me any favors


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Count On It!

March 14, 2019

premium rush

March 12, 2019

i had a dream i was day dreaming near the bike rack in the tunnel at Two Union.  as i listened to the rain and stared into space one of the stodgy security guards in an ill-fitting blue blazer came out and said to me sternly "Sir, I need to move your bike, it's blocking the loading dock" but as he reached for the handlebars and braced for my over reaction,  i just chuckled because it wasn't my bike


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between bridges bro

March 11, 2019

follow your passion

March 8, 2019

would you rather drive a big vacuum truck around town and suck the shit out of honey buckets or work in the Lane Powell mail room

 

those are your only two choices

 

can't you smell that smell    no not that smell i'm talking about Lane Powell


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are you my jimmy john?

March 7, 2019

bike industry standard oat milk

March 6, 2019

to a simple time before amazon prime robot grocery stores and drones dropping your immediate gratification shit in the neighbor's yard a time of one inch threaded headsets when a pair of wrenches was all you needed and your dog was dropping his shit in the neighbor's yard because dogs roamed free and coke was 50 cents and coffee was a dollar and there were not 5 or 6 choices of what fucking kind of milk you want with your 142 boost and 5 or 6 hundred headsets to choose from in the qbp catalog  


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workings for the weekends

March 4, 2019

two colloquia walk into a bar

the bartender says, Are you fucking kidding me? 

the first colloquium says, I'm a frayed knot 

the second colloquium says, Why the long face? 

 

how was your weekend?

what'd you do this weekend?

got big plans for next weekend? 

 


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can't get there from here

March 1, 2019

two parallel lines wrap around a perfect cylinder coming back around the end becomes the beginning a commencement of sorts sort of rolling over to Albertsons for a free cookie only that's not Albertsons anymore it's a Metropolitan Market and they don't do the free cookie thing bro but the elegant simplicity of the formula to calculate the volume of that cylinder is like a stack of cookies

 


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cross over appeal

February 28, 2019

viewing the world through Jonny Sundt's old rose colored Axleys


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by any other name would smell as sweet

February 27, 2019


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sunday morning easy like

February 24, 2019

i like a little snow on a sunday morning then by sunday afternoon i like it all to melt and stay away for two or three years 


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the thousand-yard stare

February 24, 2019

i've often pondered the fine line between genius and insanity and i've always been a big fan of lists and collections. last week i finished reading Donald Antrim's piece in the New Yorker after starting and stopping it a few times because it's not exactly uplifting reading first thing in the morning 

but his list   cut & pasted below    is a good one.

 

Depression, hysteria, melancholia, nervousness, neurosis, neurasthenia, madness, lunacy, insanity, delirium, derangement, demonic possession, black humors, black bile, yellow bile, the black dog, the blues, the blue devils, a brown study, the vapors, a funk, a storm, the abyss, an inferno, Hell, a pain syndrome, stress, an anxiety disorder, lack of affect, an affective disorder, a mood disorder, panic, loneliness, bad wiring, a screw loose, a mercurial temperament, irritability, schizophrenia, unipolar disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention-deficit disorder, borderline personality disorder, laziness, pain, rumination, grief, mourning, malingering, unhappiness, hopelessness, sadness, low spirits, invalidism, despondency, dysthymia, detachment, disassociation, dementia praecox, neuralgia, fibromyalgia, oversensitivity, hypersensitivity, idiocy, an unsound mind, cowardice, obstinacy, apathy, recalcitrance, spleen, a broken heart, battle fatigue, shell shock, self-pity, self-indulgence, self-centeredness, weakness, withdrawal, distraction, distemper, a turn in the barrel, a break in a life narrative, bad thoughts, bad feelings, coming undone, coming apart, falling apart, falling to pieces, willfulness, defiance, thoughts of hurting oneself or others, the thousand-yard stare, craziness, rage, misery, mania, morbidity, genius, suicidality, suicidal ideation, aggression, regression, decompensation, drama, breakdown, crackup, catatonia, losing one’s mind, losing one’s shit, losing one’s way, wasting away, psychic disorganization, spiritual despair, shame, raving, the furies, a disease, an enigma, a tragedy, a curse, a sin, and, of course, psychosis—suicide, in the past and in our time, has been called many things.


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when Cool Guy was cool

February 22, 2019

here's to the smell of spring in the air and more hours of daylight


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4:20 bro

February 20, 2019

Even when the hair grows back it’ll still be 3:33 and in my time zone it will never really be 4:20 bro my clock runs slow or fast depending on how much horseshit is in the room and on hallmark holidays half past a monkey's ass inverse proportionally even directly it was psychosomatically suggested to me by a pharmaceutical company and i said i see the consumer feedback focus groups came up with another spectacular name for the thing placebonoyoudiunt  placebo yes they did      if you think it is    it is       a high resolution digital photo of a black & white line drawing of an analog watch inked seven layers deep in the skin no more no less 3 x 1 = the magic number


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the final 50 fucking feet

February 19, 2019

spoon in the road

February 12, 2019

normal operation suspension of disbelief

snow days daze

4-day weekend maybe five

what day is it? 

help me get my boots off

on   off   on   off   on

my socks are wet


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snow day 10 years

February 8, 2019

the white knuckle commutes kinda suck up a few extra calories but they're nowhere near as exhausting as the endless conversations speculations calculations about the weather. 

this shit makes me appreciate a normal commute to work kinda like getting kicked in the balls makes me appreciate all the times I didn't get kicked in the balls. 


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i know now what i knew then

February 1, 2019

In May 2016 this cover appealed to me for several reasons. I like the artist I like the art I like the subject summed up so well in a clean attractive package.

 

In February 2019 I can add a few more reasons this image appeals to me as I slowly roll around an amazing 700 acre campus on an electric assist bathtub making my way from place to place picking a line through thousands of college kids staring and their fucking phones. I have a carabiner full of keys clipped near my right front belt loop and unique perspective on the ivory tower as well as a behind the scenes pass to visit the not so scenic underbelly and daily nitty gritty of a very large university.  

 

30 years ago I was a clueless college kid with some half baked ideas of what a college education would mean to people out in the real world.  I now know what it means to me and I don’t give a shit what it means to other people and I know what I want to be when I grow up

 

I wanna be free

I wanna be free to do what I wanna do

I wanna be free to ride

I wanna be free to ride my machine without being hassled by the man

And I wanna get loaded

 

 

fucking forks in the road (ffitr)

 

1990 Unpaid Internship

One semester at the Gallagher-Widmeyer Group in Washington DC. they offered me a job as soon as I graduated and I said "no thank you. DC is not for me"

 

1991 Unpaid Internship Offer

full-time unpaid internship at a PR firm in Bellevue. I turned it down so I could continue my grocery store deli job and continue to pay the rent

 

1992 Interview for Internship

I slept through it, as in,  I woke up hours after I my interview was scheduled 

 

1993 Application for Internship

I was in contact with a bigwig Anthropology professor at WSU about archaeology research blah blah blah. He called me and got my machine, as in, answering machine with the cute little cassette tapes and the message on the tape was Mudhoney's sample of the Wild Angels speech. Professor said "the first thing you need to do is change that message"  and I never returned his call

 

1997 Graduate School

I got accepted to a Masters in Teaching program and got a job as a bike messenger in the spring to work through the summer and start school full-time in the fall. When I received my financial aid statement and saw the bottom line on the loan I blew off grad school and worked as a bike messenger on and off and on and off until 2010. 

 


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on a day like this

January 31, 2019

Shaggy just sent me this photo of a bag he made for the Stupor Bowl. it looks to be rather labor intensive and I have a feeling he's happy to be done with it. 

and now a little Shaggy reference point to a day when it wasn't -55°F

 


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keep a wet edge

January 30, 2019

This Sunday past I stopped by the Bike Works warehouse sale for about 4 minutes and saw some people I used to know (see photo bro) I also looked over the piles of tires frames forks stems bars levers pedals jerseys and complete bikes and took a deep breath and smiled happy that I only had to spend 4 minutes glancing at them and not relocate them 157 times and then try to sell them or recycle them or re-donate them or find more storage space for them. I have a deep appreciation for those folks that do.

 

And about 12 hours earlier I had a dream I was starting a new job soon in a bike shop owned and operated by Rob Kittelson (see photo below bro) it was a TMJ-inducing bad bike shop dream. On the bright side my new coworkers would be cool and there was this naive sort of enthusiasm and optimism that comes with the opening of a new bike shop a glimmer of hope that “this one will be different, this one will succeed, this one will bring something fresh” only to be crushed by the bottom line that is reality and the fact that it will most likely be out of business within 18 months.   


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Mo Fo stock photo bro

January 30, 2019

one of the guys down at DANK bags was taking an online quiz the other night to qualify for the Jeopardy Bike Messenger tournament when he stumbled upon this stock photo featuring the well known Perkins Coie attorney Molly Foster fka the well known bike messenger Molly Foster


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ask me about uniform spoke tension

January 29, 2019

what do you call a 36-spoke wheel that needs 29 spokes replaced?

 


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lather rinse repeat

January 26, 2019

same time different day 13 years later step into my office again and again and again repeating the process step by step by step 

 


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Bridgestone RB-1

January 24, 2019

fork in the road

January 23, 2019

double shot thursday

January 17, 2019

silly rabbit, triptychs are for kids

January 16, 2019

bike of the week

January 15, 2019

life is a series of choices that lead to other decision making scenarios that allow you in retrospect to ask "what the fuck was I thinking?"

this bike makes my wrists hurt visualizing the constant struggle to keep from sliding down the saddle

 


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step into my office

January 14, 2019

is it raining? vol. XXII

January 11, 2019

Sasha Peet photo bro circa 2006

standing on a street corner Wednesday   rain dripping off my helmet into my short americano with a thousand mile stare I couldn't help but think of 18 and a conversation I often had with him many times unspoken or boiled down to very few words the gist being "I'm getting too old for this shit" 

 


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no wheels

January 9, 2019

double triple Double Darn

January 8, 2019

yesterday I received my newest Double Darn cap.

the Hunter style in a classic understated grey wool perfect for January in Seattle under my helmet each and every day all day long and simply cool enough to wear around town without a helmet as in without a bike as in I'm not trying to always look like a chuffer commuter cascade member you know like a hose clamped milk crate douche bag expecting respect from a bungee corded pickle bucket Dexter Avenue warrior. 

these photos are years and years old but we also got new caps for the whole family including the pizza print the sushi and a 4-panel cap  in the most comfortable flannel ever. 

thanks Misia


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horseshit

January 7, 2019

when I showed this to the guys down at DANK bags they agreed with my horseshit assessment and pointed out it's about 20 years too late

if anyone knows anything about coozies over the past 20 years it's those guys at DANK and as president of the profile design cup holders club I know a thing or two about making seamless transitions along the coffee-beer continuum with a few well placed botttle cage bolts.  


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you can't get there from here

January 4, 2019

or maybe you can

this is 87's bike. if you have questions he can answer them. 


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constant cost-benefit analysis

January 4, 2019

this site has been up for 712 weeks. ask a fucking millennial to convert that to years for you. it's 2019 and there are a lot of questions but Joe Biden is not the answer. sitting in a car the other day driving past 411 Fairview North...holy shit

 "How did I get here?" 


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proceed to the point of the turn

January 2, 2019

E dog compilation and photo 

mirror check

signal 

head check 

change lanes


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