what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

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all you can eat

October 29, 2019

At the corner of Burke-Gilman and 15th Ave NE there’s an all you can eat buffet of obliviousness open from 7am to 7pm Monday through Friday. Featuring 30,000 students staring at their phones punctuated by juiced up roadies mashing back to Kirkland as well as psycho commuters, casual Lime Bike chuffers and angry Jimmy Johns with seemingly something to prove to someone somewhere.  

Throw me down the stairs my hat


  1. The fog lifted
  2. Your eyes adjusted
  3. No one noticed
  4. All of the above 

There’s a card key that will grant you access to the exterior door. Once inside locate the lock box down the hall on the left and jiggle the key just right because it was cut during Reagan’s first term. Inside the lockbox you’ll find the key to the mailroom attached to a retractable leash. Unlock the mailroom and locate the light switch on the back wall and then unlock the second mail cabinet from the left. Inside the mail cabinet on the upper shelf clearly labeled “incoming mail” place the Fingerhut catalog and proceed to your next stop. Don’t forget your keys. 

If you don’t know what you’re talking about


  1. Talk louder
  2. Make something up
  3. Crack a joke
  4. Shut the fuck up  

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