what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

pilderwasser unlimited T-shirts  pilder what? kickstand P know knew spew snap shots autoBIKEography RAGBRAI  slide shows phot-o-rama stationary-a-gogo 1/2 x 3/32 links

touched me in my bottom bracket area

December 31, 2010

CX magazine photo

Sort of like Suzanne
you know that she's half crazy
but that's why you want to be there
and she feeds you tea and oranges
that come all the way from China

but we’re talking Sally here
and he has solid steel bikes
that come all the way from China
delivered right to your door

There really is a Sally Claus
There is
No really,  there is

This is not your dad’s old Raleigh but your dad would not feel out of place on this bike   The respectfully neo-retro Port Townsend features proven technology and no fluffy trendy shit. Full fenders and bar end shifters. This bike has more steel than Johnstown and I do believe "Port Townsend" sounds better than "Pittsburgh"   Your dad might throw it in the stand one day for an overhaul and expect to find a square taper bottom bracket and a quill stem. However he will encounter outboard bearings at the BB and an 1-1/8” threadless headset. But it is 2011 after all “dad”  and Dura Ace has been trickling down through Ultegra to Tiagra to Sora for years.  

Work continues on my Steel Bike Philosophy PhD, which began back in 1975 when the training wheels came off the midget Sting Ray and I rode around the block unassisted. Here and now in 2011, I’m throwing a leg over another steel bike, a brand spanking new steel bike and shifting gears in more ways than one.

…to be continued

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

land speed record

December 29, 2010

god bless Mr. Dunlop
and the invention of the pneumatic tire

one more thing I’m thankful for
not sleeping on the floor
at LaGuardia for five days
planes     trains   automobiles

go buy bike

go by bike

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

utility cycling

December 27, 2010

some assembly required

December 25, 2010

grandson    proves the age-old theory that shipping containers are  more interesting than the shipment they contain

granddaughter    emphasizes the importance of using the right tool for the job 

mom & dad    round-off bolts and strip threads with pliers

grandpa    captures the moment on video and posts it on Facebook long before the seat post is installed

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jack of all trades

December 24, 2010

the gift that keeps on giving
reciprocating like a sawzall

getting better
better get 
while the getting’s good ± 0.015

pattern baldness and ponytails
go hand in hand like
 Captain & Tennille

come on Ted  just admit it
break it down for me
like cardboard on recycling day

long haul trucker
corporate tax lawyer
fish out of water

Pacific Northwest cross pollination
setting the standard for standard deviation
since back in the day of Dixy Lee Ray
  aerosolized salivation
overspray           backward masking
hidden meaning

preconceived notions
come around like rotating mass
in a moment of inertia

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a clean well lighted place to fix a flat

December 23, 2010

circle game

December 22, 2010

there are two kinds of people in the world…

those that punch a random time on the microwave and watch it go round a while, then stop it when they feel like their food is warm 


those that program the microwave timer precisely according to instructions and then wait patiently until the specified time expires before they eat their meal



there are those that make ridiculous two-kinds-of-people statements


there’s everyone else

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

it's all down hill from here

December 21, 2010




the pain means it's working

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

I'm nervous and my socks are too loose

December 21, 2010

all I want for Christmas is my new Raleigh

December 19, 2010


Dear Santa,


Please bring me a 57cm Raleigh Port Townsend. You can just tell the elves to make it like this


sincerely  for real   really, 



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chainring bolt spanning bottle opener

December 19, 2010

only had one beer
the other three were for
my imaginary friend

now there are two  
Shiba Inus laughing at me 
what else is new

what not to pay attention to
still sweating the small stuff
in the bigger big picture

cause and effect connect
in an inverse proportional way
and that’s OK        however

an eight hour work day
sandwiched between
two two-hour commutes

is not OK
as it continues to be
a quality of life issue

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

December 18, 1998

December 18, 2010

How many bike messengers does it take to screw in a light bulb?


But by the time you heard the story it was epic, it was brutal, it was so much more hardcore, it was ten hour days back in the day, pulling down 65 tags, riding 75 miles covering Georgetown to the U-district, Bainbridge Island to Bellevue. Rolling out of RVs with 30 drops and 30 picks to do before the next one. There were over 200 messengers in Seattle and all of them were making over $200 per day. 

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...and you may find yourself, behind the wheel of a large automobile

December 16, 2010

It’s not about etiquette

It’s not about traffic laws

It’s not about common sense

It’s all about finding a parking space 

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the devil is in the details or is it god

December 14, 2010

wet wool whistle wetter

December 14, 2010

beer me Sally         

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the doors always open

December 12, 2010

photo poached from Boston Biker

just when you thought it was safe
to get back in the water
take me to the river
drop me in  
the water
it’s the water
there’s a reason
they brew great beer here
a coffee cart on every corner
diuretics   shmiuretics  
it’s like riding a bike
like a messenger
dehydrated as well as soaking wet
water water everywhere
not a drop to drink
cotton mouth & trench foot
two great tastes that taste great together
moss mold mildew     moisture
may be or maybe not  
in all the right places
super saturation
the slightest agitation
precipitating the precipitate
answers no longer in solution
just because we’re on an elevator
we don’t have to talk about the weather

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form follows function

December 12, 2010

Double Darn Dank good gift ideas

December 11, 2010

how about a handmade hat from Double Darn in PDX

or a handmade messenger bag with accessories from DANK 



any and all of these items are better than fruitcake and 

they cycle money back into the cycling economy

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JosÚ can you see?

December 11, 2010

if a tree falls off a bike in the woods

December 10, 2010

A truly 2010 Seattle Christmas commercial

Heading home in the rain with a tree on the handlebars 

Cue the Budweiser song

Consumer confidence is up

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daylight savings account

December 9, 2010

the blind leading
the blind following

an itsy bitsy digital clock
around in a darker shade of dark

what time is it time
to get up to go to sleep

am   or    pm  
neither here nor there

knob & tube running
still talking twisted pair

twelve years later
the smell doesn’t bother me

passing a piss test
was the least of my worries

like launching a snot rocket
cleanly over the shoulder clearly

the proof is in the putting postholes
plum    placed properly   

digging ditches differently now
at the greener grass fence company

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

phantom nostalgia syndrome

December 8, 2010

when bikes were steel
when shorts were wool
when cable housing picked up AM radio
2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

plastic pine tree smells fill the air everywhere

December 7, 2010

Devlin photo 1998

Quon photo 2009

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hoppy floral citrusy smooth chamois finish

December 6, 2010

an amazing weekend, it was, and       NO BIKE RIDING


nothing like a rockstar weekend jaunt to the San Juans via sea plane 

for a new perspective

a change of scenery

and a new outlook

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stop and smell the sunset

December 4, 2010

sometimes it's important to slow down   and ride on the sidewalk

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

I said "Do you speak-a my language?"

December 2, 2010

Nothing says pilderwasser in December better than this here four-year-old stock photo of Wilson roasting chestnuts with ladies from the Sonics dance team in front of the Four Seasons hotel.  Year after year. Not that it never gets old, it just keeps coming back like Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas.

Have a good weekend Quon and Happy New Year!


take a dip in the archives







re live

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

grease stained zines from 2003

December 2, 2010

operating under the assumption
one is better than the other
greater than not equal to
over thinking binge drinking
French roast hangover palpitating chest pain
intermittent showers turning to rain
rolling resistance friction rusty chain
standard deviation lubrication station
from Pike to Pine in a matter of minutes
that last step is a doozy 

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Another year older Budweiser

December 1, 2010

1982 Dodge Omni

November 30, 2010

come upstairs and feel my ceramic bearings

November 30, 2010

Figure 17a: the White Industries guts of a MadFiber rear hub




lighter   smoother   stiffer   harder

It’s amazing what people put on YouTube but it's even more amazing that the shit gets 1,734,292 hits because people watch it

Below you’ll see a not-even-close-to-scientific demonstration of ceramic bearing performance with a soundtrack that overwhelms any objectivity

ask me about sphericity


2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Turkey Sandwich Monday

November 29, 2010

neoretro headtube reamer

November 27, 2010


Craig Etheridge photos

I’m not taking as many photos as I have in the past and maybe that’s why Rob and Craig both sent me some in the last few days and Bret in ABQ too and I poached from Seth this morning.  The top two photos you see here were taken by Craig   but they reminded me of the two photos seen below.  When I take a photo it usually triggers something in my photographic memory and reminds me of a photo I took 5 or 12 or 3 years ago… …something I put in kickstand or on this here site, so when I have a string of words I need to get out of my head and I’m looking for a picture to accompany them sometimes I just skip a few steps and dip into the pilderwasser archives instead of pulling out my camera which at 3.2 mega pixels is so-seven-years-ago it’s like an ancient artifact.  Little little kid’s dolls now come with 12 mega pixel cameras built into their eyes and sell at retail prices lower than the Six Million Dollar Man action figure doll my mom bought me as a kid which had one bionic eye to look through, however it was just a cheap-ass little plastic lens as I discovered one day when I smashed Steve Austin’s head enough to remove the lens for inspection and then I felt I was grownup enough to not even try and put it back looking back I’m glad I at least got some wear and tear out of him and didn’t leave it in the package to try and preserve the resale collector bullshit value you see shrinkwrapped for sale just a few clicks away today on eBay ask me about the vivisection of Stretch Armstrong someday by the way thanks for the photos Craig and Rob and Seth and Bret and Lane

3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

***** (5 star)

November 27, 2010

100% Merino wool long-sleeve jersey

November 25, 2010

Robert Kittilson photo

traffic is a real polar bear but
these boots weren’t made for walking
they best push platform pedals to the bar for a beer

a shop-vac in the left hand a fishing pole in the right  
there’s a story there somewhere
tiptoeing along an imaginary line

separating dream from reality in another dimension
on another axis dividing one eyebrow from the other
boredom is the brother of invention  

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park n ride

November 22, 2010

open letter to WHITE INDUSTRIES

November 21, 2010



Howdy. My name is Mark and I was a bike messenger in Seattle for 12 years and now I’m working at MadFiber about 20 feet away from Justin Littell (another former messenger) and he said you may be interested in the ENO freewheel that I’ve enclosed in the envelope. Perhaps you can put it in the White Industries petting zoo. It’s returning home after years of real world testing and abuse and it’s still more smooth and silky than any brand new ACS claw.  

I bought it barely used at nearly full retail price at Second Ascent in Seattle in 2006. I put it on a single speed cross bike and rode it gently for a bit before I rode it across Iowa on RAGBRAI that same year. Then I rode the shit out of it for a couple years as a bike messenger here in Seattle. I did nothing to the freewheel except ignore it, as I wore through a couple chainrings and replaced the chain a few times. Doing nothing except pulling the wheel back in the dropouts to suck up the slack chain tension. I rebuilt the hub into a new rim once too because of Seattle Sidewall Syndrome, burning through brake pads and tires and blowing out Carhartts and Dickies. Drinking and working through dark Seattle winters as a messenger, the White Industries freewheel was the last thing on my mind. I finally stopped riding it after a couple years when the teeth were shark-finned enough to drop the chain just dropping off curbs.

I’ve had it hanging on the wall in my shop for a while as a tangible reminder of years past. And I’ve been too lazy or clueless to try and rebuild it.

In my single speed life, I’ve blown through countless ACS Claw freewheels and several Shimanos too. They have a relatively short lifespan in Seattle weather and often offer audible indicators of when it’s time to let them go and buy another. Unlike your amazing freewheels, the ACS bearings and pawls go way before the teeth.

Cheers to you. I admire and respect your products.


2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

the attention span of a bike messenger

November 21, 2010

two months was forever ago     six months is a career      seven minutes for a pick and 2 drops          the clerk’s office is closed what were we talking about?
3 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

is this real life

November 20, 2010

Visualize a professional cyclist being poked prodded and praised by a bunch of engineers tweaking his time trial position

narrow low and aero

OK    now                          OK
now             is this real life?

visualize me riding a 30lb basket bike on a Library-Red Apple-beer-run hammering out of the saddle and into the wind up hill struggling to get home before kickoff on a cold Saturday afternoon

heavy slow lugged steel 12-pack of IPA

utility cycling in November means
raising your saddle 13mm
riding in Red Wing boots

two wrongs don’t make a wronger
but it adds up to one short of wrongest  

you can’t win them all
unless you’re a Catholic high school football team

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today is my Saturday

November 20, 2010

this is not your father's Oldsmobile

November 19, 2010

this is a CETMA cargo bike

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

the next hardest button to button

November 18, 2010

doing the same thing everyday and expecting different results.

doing slightly different things each day and hoping for the same results.

One at a time.

One of a kind.

Going in with reasonable expectations. Using just the right amount of entropy, seasoned with wabi-sabi. Things get interesting when you toss in a few ghosts from the past and varying environmental conditions. The absence of robots is a good thing although it is acknowledging the possibility for human error.  Coming out at the end of the day, sometimes the recipe tweaks the tweeker. 

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

hit it with some 80 grit

November 17, 2010

blind faith
in a ziploc bag
will get you nothing
but a small mess to clean up

an unhealthy attachment  
to a ballpoint pen is as reasonable and understandable  
as wanting to see a relationship from beginning to end
to be there when the ink runs out    

the unmistakable sound
of an 8mm allen wrench clanging on the sidewalk
dropped from the balcony of a four-story condo
featuring ground-level retail and off-street parking

it’s all fun and games until repeated 50,000 times
mental fatigue metal fatigue   spring steel sprung
overextended    unintended                       outlier   
like a baby binder clip pushed beyond its limits

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chain suck

November 16, 2010

Sunday   Monday   Today
half a world plus a stone’s throw away
sidling right up to  without going over
the fine line separating just-right from 98109
elevation gains  cutting losses
conservation of potential energy
electro-statically charged
to keep the shirt tucked into the pants
free range organic fucking bullshit
absorbed through the pores
in the skin   sinking in                slowly
with or without express written consent

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it goes a little something like this

November 15, 2010

not necessarily in that order

return to photo #1 as needed 

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

7-speed downtube friction tectonic shift

November 13, 2010

13% lycra  87% spandex   100% chuffer
head shoulders knees and nose
post nasal drip slipping
 the nose knows
can’t you smell that smell
isolating the source of the odor
crinkling like an adult diaper
taking it all in    stride  
bread sacks on the feet
Pearl Izumi only goes so far
 the furthest reaches of circulation
where blood sometimes ceases to flow  
feel phalanges freeze 
freezing fingers    freezing toes
see Mr. Louis Garneau
good gloves goddamn Gore-Tex shoe covers
harden the fuck up    commuter
  sledding after school remember
walking uphill both ways in the snow
5 miles     in Chuck Taylors and Levis
La Niña is not from Spokane

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"we need to stop runnin this thing like a social program and start runnin it like a business. There's just no fuckin allegiance with you guys"

November 13, 2010

Second Annual November Chuffer Parade

November 13, 2010

one one - one one - one zero

November 11, 2010

lookuphere   lookuphere    look up here

keeping it in perspective since 2010 

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

carbon fiber is the new black

November 10, 2010

something old    something new

ask Jay   what Dave Matthews would do

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

glycogen stores on every corner

November 9, 2010

look beyond the little things

or focus on the details

whatever it takes
the scale has been recalibrated into ounces-of-give-a-shit

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

fall back

November 8, 2010

Bret Haskins photo

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

baby steps

November 7, 2010

Would you like to come downstairs and see my blown-out bike part collection? I am slowly recovering from the creeping decay that was thriving on my messenger bikes. Now that I’m a full-time chuffer, my bike parts will last a lot longer than they used to.

However, I'm still seriously suffering from Seattle Sidewall Syndrome (SSS), a condition which causes the premature deterioration of wheels ridden by messengers and hardcore commuters in wet grimy winter conditions as rim brakes, especially high-power cantilevers, wear through the braking surface of the rim.

The cross section of a clincher rim after one rainy season of aggressive riding is transformed from a box shape to more of an hourglass. It’s like the brake pads are made of 80 grit sandpaper. Left unattended the wheel eventually fails when the bead of the high pressure tire can no longer be contained by the paper-thin sidewalls of the rim. The end result is a catastrophic failure one day when you’re just riding along. The tire blows up and the sidewall peels like a banana and snags the brakes, locking up the wheel. If it occurs on the front wheel you’re launched over the bars in a dramatic acrobatic display. But if you’re lucky it happens on a Sunday afternoon while you’re watching football on TV and your bike is leaning against the wall by the heater, when suddenly your tire explodes like a firecracker and propels bits of rim shrapnel and inner tube powder into your personal space, scaring the shit out of the cats.

There’s a strong correlation between SSS and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) another common malady this time of year in the Pacific Northwest. According to the pharmaceutical industry SAD can be remedied with prescription drugs. But many people just choose to increase their caffeine and or alcohol intake. There's a noticeable shift even an oscillation along Seattle’s coffee-beer continuum. It’s as clear as setting the clocks back or the lack of daylight or the sun’s shallow winter arc across the sky up here at the 47th parallel.  Bike riding or what doctors refer to as "regular exercise" is a simple elegant solution to SAD.    

coffee beer coffee beer beer beer bikes beer bike beer bikes beer

Seattle Sidewall Syndrome can simply be avoided by using disk brakes or riding with no brakes at all. Or you could just stop riding your bike and walk.

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

easy as 3.14159

November 6, 2010

Wheels in Focus

bare handing the business end of Occam’s razor
ambidextrously   androgynously
either way anyway
completely half ass
pointed indirectly in any direction
non-linear progression
listless drift rudderless
goal disoriented
east-west movement lateral
motivational infomercial success story
clearly cleared the barrier cleanly
pendulum passes pass predictably
wait for it

once there was a way           
to get back home and stay  there
once was a man from Nantucket

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here's a little ditty 'bout uniform spoke tension

November 4, 2010

if   there was a  
I’d participate enthusiastically
annually    it would be
the least I could do
because my bike takes me
to work everyday

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

this space intentionally left blank

November 4, 2010


November 3, 2010

being lazy at a job and getting close to nothing done in a given amount of time while maintaining the appearance of working hard

temporary flood protection using sandbags

water gets where water goes
slippery slopes slip
where white knuckling won’t help
off-camber Catholic guilt goes nowhere 
stay loose   get squirrelly
think 3rd Avenue cheese graters in the rain
embrace your inner Jonny Sundt 

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

rolling roll over role play

November 1, 2010

nice bike  this is    IF    you care  they care    
but I’d like to draw your attention
to the MAD FIBER wheels
hand made one-at-a-time
right here in Seattle

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Jesus Rays

October 31, 2010

Heather Pitre photo
A journey of 10,000 beers   
begins with a single schooner

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink


October 31, 2010

 this has been the stock Halloween photo  since 2007

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

just so we're clear on this, are we clear on this?

October 29, 2010

PayDay is the new Friday

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Kip Winger

October 28, 2010

tolerance interval

October 28, 2010

two-for Tuesday fades into double-shot Thursday

a mild satisfaction arises
from the completion of a round trip

completing the circle

Re: cycling

recycling the cat food bag to clean out the litter box

I love it when a plan comes together

let’s take a moment to consider
the strength-to-weight ratio  
of a carbon fiber splinter
embedded in a human finger

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

adopt a storm drain

October 26, 2010

someday a real rain will come
and silence a neglected drive train

drown it out with water    or whatever
or just take the earbud volume  a bit higher

as if ignoring it       will make it go away     
stodgy mechanics and creeping decay

it’s a few zip codes removed 
from the Zen master way

but as you know        it’s hard
to quiet the mind and get to work on time

in dark October predawn rides
on janky worn out bike parts

5 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

stoned garden stoned

October 25, 2010

Monday mornings easy like
no time sensitive matters pressing
only warm sun  and  fresh catnip

0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


October 24, 2010

clamped in the soft jaws
of a bench-mount vise
gentle yet firm
cat piss       sustain
kitty-corner refrain
catawampus in the rain
pouring right next door
continuing on     on the
coffee-beer continuum
across the street
the grass isn’t always greener
but sometimes       it really is  
one shoulder will always be
lower than the other
maximal surface area
piqued   to    pick
just one point of contact
pinpoint pretty persuasion
like a little love tap
from a deadblow hammer 
consistent accuracy
precise inconsistency
after the fact quality       control
can’t go back and retroact
information readily available       online
like the ERD of an ME14A
I can go for that     but
recycled boiled linseed oil      no can do
tangible results result
hands-on production produces
an indexed feel for friction shifting

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

exploded head set case

October 22, 2010


head set


just like Justin said   there's no mathematical formula  it's all feel

it's hard to quantify       that's why     they call it intangible

 can't put a price on finesse 

8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Newton Meter

October 21, 2010

repeat as needed

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

one size fits most

October 19, 2010

taken out of context

rolling over unfamiliar asphalt
on two contact patches the size of radishes
transferred in from out of stasis
used to just riding along a long line of rote routines where
every crack    every expansion joint
every pothole    every pitfall
every manhole    every men’s room
was predictably familiar and on schedule
opposing counsel      courtesy copy to C-203
shorthand    shortcut    shortchange
binder clip magic tricks get old quick  
figuratively   literally                seriously
how many roadmasters is too many
how many cans can a canner can
how many ways are there to get to 1111
especially when overcooked and crusty
Foster Peppered to taste    back in 1998

but now
right here       right now
bunny hopped onto another learning curve
it’s coming up sixes         everywhere  
half dozens visible to the naked eye
while invisible nipple drivers pop up all around









1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

slow leaks

October 17, 2010

I was on my third beer before you sat down in church

7 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

check the torque

October 16, 2010

Jenny Dailey photo
Smells like Saturday
in a crisp clear cold beer Oktoberfest way

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Duck Duck Duck goose

October 15, 2010

can could
shall should
may might must
get there from here
round tripped with beer
we’ve all been there where we’re
good to go        north by northwest
down through Cool Guy Park in the dark
in the morning watch out for that bump on the right
onto the one way past Craig’s house the wrong way
six point six six miles to the underpass
pass over piles of 16 penny nails rusty
red shifts to blue seasonal affect Doppler effect
riding waves of last night’s dinner brown bag lunch
potential energy stored up wrapped up in tinfoil
buried in the bottom of a double strap backpack
parallax error reads me on your left
inside diameter        ID
o u t s i d e  diameter      OD
obsessive compulsive disorder   OCD
 attention deficit disorder    whatever    ADD
permissible deviation from the specification  ± .003
you talking to me
aerospace industry
u  n  b e l i e v a b l y
strong adhesive overlap
run out     bleed out  poke out spoke hole
small plastic stacking buckets
 hold gently used  Occam’s razors
parfum de fingernail polish remover Q-tip
 dab behind the ear acetone splash clean up
rough up 80 grit wet-dry sand paper
smudge in the northwest corner
hand made in Seattle   one
at a time  four times a day
a little bit of wiggle room
regimented time to play

1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

bun in oven

October 14, 2010

 please take a moment to complete the following survey

take a guess
make a prediction
flip a coin
read the signs
as if stars really do align
use your words
place your bets

Is it a girl?


Is it a boy?

results to this point are fairly even, much like a theoretical coin toss in your  probability and statistics textbook,  where trends tend towards 50-50, if you ever feel like spending a weekend tossing a penny 275,000 times and tallying the results

the actual boy-or-girl thing will be revealed next week




what you hear me saying is

pilderwasser is an expectant father

15 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

traffic's a real bear

October 12, 2010

What you are looking at

October 11, 2010

acetone daydream

October 10, 2010

woke up one morning and looked at the clock
noticed 13 years had passed   but I was
still sitting in the same spot   standing by
with more tattoos    a few wrinkles around the eye 

where have you been?
how long were you there?
what exactly were you doing?
what did you plan on doing after that?

feels like leaving 13 years of marriage
to reënter the dating pool
looks like leaving the witness protection program
to reënter the work force

the career path appears circular with a hole
in the middle winding back upon itself
round and round   holding 120 psi
clinchers…  700 c    that’s  622 bsd

winding up     stepping down
transitioning from the streets
hitting the handi-ramp hard  
catching some air    landing  who-knows-where

have to start someplace   
pick a landmark on the horizon
a point of reference  like  the valve stem
go back two spoke holes  counterclockwise
on the upstroke    down by the river
I’ll meet you there   where
close enough is  ± .003"
just because
you can’t see it
doesn’t mean it
isn’t there   
smell that smell   on the breeze    in the air
burning neurons
bonding lifelong connections 
connect the dots
acetone daydreams  fade     into caffeine sleep 

10 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

former Messenger Appreciation Day

October 9, 2010

cleaned up     is not the same as        washed up

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laser focus splatter pattern

October 7, 2010

it’s kind of like when you’re supposed to meet a rookie for a handoff and you wonder what could possibly take them so long to make two drops and one pick at 801 2nd and meet you on the backside of 999 and then you think back to your first few days on the job when you made a drop on the 22nd floor and you had a pick on 21 so you took the stairs down one floor to find a locked door then went back up to the  locked door on 22 and then found locked doors all the way down to the lobby level and finally at parking level D you found a door that exited into the alley and the fire alarm went off and the security guard tried to stop you in the lobby when you came back in to make the pick on 21 after the fire department finally shut off the false alarm and that’s why your simple pick and drop took so long

it’s kind of like at the end of the day when the amount of work that gets done is similar but the amount of energy expended is much different because of all the misdirected overextended backtracking trial and error where the rookie is winded and sweating but proud of themselves for completing the task while the old vet is sipping a cup of coffee half smiling and scratching their head but relaxing because they’re already ten steps ahead and waiting for the FNG to catch up

it’s kind of like that 

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carbon fiber footprint

October 5, 2010

Now, make yours  look like mine

mechanical aptitude   mental acuity

feats of strength and much much more for the FNG

burning new neural pathways in Lower Wallingford

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the raw and the cooked

October 3, 2010

Q:  How many beer cans does it take to shim a 25.4 bar up to 31.8?

A:   a few,  and you’ll need to drink a few more after that until you start to feel like a big fat shim fest is a good idea.

So have another cigarette and keep holding that cell phone upside your head.  Or whatever’s clever.  If it seems OK         today

Ask me about my asbestos pajamas

Q²:  Are you always pissed off because you drink so much?

Q³:  Do you drink so much because you’re always pissed off?

The fixie kid you wanted to yell at yesterday on the Burke-Gilman trail turned out to be your girlfriend’s sister’s husband’s boss’s favorite boy barista.  It’s a small town.  Things come around.

Q:  Is there a Starbucks around here?

Sometimes you want to go where wearing the same pants everyday is A O K

Q:  What’s that smell?

A:  that’s dog shit, you stepped in it

Perhaps you need some SPD compatible loafers with the new pilderwasser patent pending dog-shit-shedding-tread® design  


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hand to mouth

October 2, 2010

Correction occurs with time away
down   time   off   on   holiday
peer into the rearview mirror
enhanced hindsight focus on
the signs that say over the next hill there's
a vantage point view of the bigger big picture 
relax  recover    return to earth
like a lawn dart
Come to base 
Complete the roundtrip
no need to worry about PoD
what we have here    is
a textbook case of messenger induced myopia
Corrective lenses were put in place
Circumstantially and quickly discarded
the stigmatism is in remission  
the stigma remains
Crack and peel the hard outer shell
shed the waxy yellow buildup
another prime example
an unhealthy sample set aside
for further analysis another day

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black socks, they never get dirty

October 1, 2010

what it never was
what it has been

what it is

what it will be
what it could be






trial and error
please     make a note of it

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really? really

September 30, 2010

A hard-working Mayberry Police officer issued a citation to a scofflaw waitress for not wearing her helmet.

A part-time waitress riding her old Bianchi to work this morning on a quiet residential street in the Central District was “pulled-over” by a $90,000 salaried Seattle Cop collecting double overtime to stand around and wait for a funeral procession outside a quiet Catholic church.

In other news...     

Alberto Contador claims tainted meat, Spanish beef in fact, was the reason he tested positive for a banned substance in this years Tour de France

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green paint

September 29, 2010

Seattle is painting a few bike boxes around town in its latest attempt to catch up to Portland in the realm of transportation planning. I think it’s a step in the right direction to encourage more people to get out of their cars and get out on their bikes. However the false confidence that bike lanes often inspire in newbies and chuffers is just going to be bolstered by these green bike boxes. Flow is what occurs when an experienced urban cyclist rides through traffic blurring the lines between vehicular cycling and total disregard for the law. I don’t believe you can legislate everything by holding some hands and slapping some wrists.  Painting lines on the street won’t create flow. I'm guessing it will create confusion. Flow takes a while to learn and it has to be earned. Robert Hurst explains urban cycling as well as anyone. Dave Hiller has some things to say too. And I bet John Forester is laughing so hard he's crying and he wouldn’t even like riding a bike in Portland.
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the right tool for the job

September 28, 2010

sometimes there’s a
subtle sense that something
is  not  quite  right
on a slow grind up the hill
I catch an eye catching silver sliver
glint of late September sunshine
reflecting off curly cue strands of steel
sprouting near the bottom bracket
the look
the feel
the sound
of threads stripping
the smell of metal fatigue
7th grade shop class reminiscent
it’s a long walk home
in these shoes with
time to think of
loose balls
crank arm extractors
jerry-rigged Italian BB setups
multi-purpose marine grease
power to weight ratios
and    wait


phone rings 
caller ID reads    J-B WELD

Who is this?

This is it.

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What Would Jobst Do? (WWJD)

September 27, 2010

reinventing the wheel 

right here in Seattle 

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why ask why

September 26, 2010

increasing gas prices
outrageous insurance premiums
irreversible damage to the environment
brown paper packages tied up with string
these are a few of my    least favorite things

they are not
why I ride a bike

their absence from consciousness
is just a beneficial side effect
an unintended consequence

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left shoulder - right shoulder

September 24, 2010

    check out the progress at DANK bags  

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exothermic knee jerk allergic reaction

September 24, 2010

traffic's a real bear

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peek-a-boo view

September 23, 2010

fight or flight
is that all there is
everything Randy’s for a reason
so    thank you
oh no        no       thank you   but no thanks
peek-a-boo view
nothing but blue
skies    sitting on a park bench
with Pete and Repeat
Pete always seems to fall off     
who’s left
herky-jerky     AD/HD
like a hyperlink casserole whipped up (scroll down)
out of the saddle deep in the drops
but your bike is stationary    
you’re just a machine
robot pimped   
riding on a hamster wheel
digging ditches daily
getting that dirt out of the boss’s ditch
time and time again
time out
take a moment to look back
admire the progress
hope you’ll be missed
hope it rains everyday
hard-on the guy that gets your job
like the ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend
jealous see sour grapes
jelly  toast  burnt
neural pathways entrenched
Seneca Street muscle memory
copy Perkins Davis Foster Garvey


repeat as often as necessary

fight or flight
is that all there is
everything Randy‘s for a reason
so    thank you
oh no        no       thank you    but no thanks
peek-a-boo view
nothing but blue
skies    sitting on a park bench
with Pete and Repeat
Pete always seems to fall off     
who‘s left
herky-jerky     AD/HD
like a hyperlink casserole whipped up  
out of the saddle deep in the drops
but your bike is stationary    
you’re just a machine
robot pimped   
riding on a hamster wheel
digging ditches daily
getting that dirt out of the boss’s ditch
time and time again
time out
take a moment to look back
admire the progress
hope you’ll be missed
hope it rains everyday
hard-on the guy that gets your job
like the ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend
jealous see sour grapes
jelly  toast  burnt
neural pathways entrenched
Seneca Street muscle memory
copy Perkins Davis Foster Garvey

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and the cow jumped over the moon

September 22, 2010

a worn out copy of Catcher in the Rye

September 21, 2010

in other news

September 20, 2010

the one the only

single speed cyclocross world championship

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sucked into slippery S.L.U.T. tracks

September 19, 2010

done-done        done
pushing the river
one…      two…           
one too many times
serving up heaping helpings of
warmed-over vanilla complacency
middle-of-the-road pedestrian 
jaywalking weakly
time clocking weekly
day after day    after day    after day
dainty pinky paper cuts
got all the attention
while major arteries were hemorrhaging
used up boxes of band-aids
but a tourniquet wouldn’t fix it  
smiling the smile of short-term solutions
poking a finger in the leak du jour
until another popped up over there
pointing fingers     let’s not go there
argumentum ad hominem
personal attacks
invite playground comebacks
I know you are    but what am I
there are no good guys
there are no bad guys
only blue eyes and brown eyes
and horseshit everywhere
immediate package delivery
two hours early
two minutes late
it all paid the same
it all got too easy
pre-existing conditions
provided strong foundations
upon which to build-in handicaps
the 90-day waiting period
turned into 12 years

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hose clamped pickle bucket milk crate

September 17, 2010


Ask me about my inner chuffer

Ask me about home-made fenders

Ask me about a helmet-mount mirror

Ask me   Ask me   Ask me

But not like Morrissey

more like Dexter Avenue warriors

When I say “me”       I mean me

Ask me about the seamless transition

from messenger to chuffer

Ask me about job opportunities at Ogden Murphy

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zoned for commercial use

September 15, 2010

moving   forward
left  to  write
wrong or right

this way or this way

they say    you can’t become a troll
you’re just born that way
but     I don’t want to go down that road

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if I leave here tomorrow

September 14, 2010

cycle messenger World Champion

September 13, 2010

Craig Etheridge is Cycle Messenger World Champion


congratulations       for real, really


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September 12, 2010

at close range    
on the final blinking blink of
the DONT WALK signal
made it by a mile

check it out        buy the book
cannot win them all
playing by the rules
playing by the book
skirting grey area
day after day   
until one day  
it’s all red dress

like Wednesday
the other way

that point     somewhere
past the midpoint
where the weight of what was
pulls harder than what will be

twelve-packs turn to half empty
bananas turn brown and squishy
calendars turn top heavy
when it’s time to turn the page

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knock knock

September 11, 2010

RCW 70.160.075

September 10, 2010

so much chuffer so close to home

September 9, 2010

to boldly go
where herds have gone before
set phases to trend

lather   rinse   repeat

it’s like so yesterday ago
it’s like this and like that and
like this too shall pass

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objects in mirror are closer than they appear

September 8, 2010

what's that smell?

September 7, 2010


re use


return to your cubicle

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manual Labor intensive Day off

September 6, 2010

less  salvation  more  salivation 

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if a tree falling in the woods is reflected in a friend's sunglasses, does it make a sound?

September 3, 2010

The Active Voice Building

September 2, 2010

sitting  in  the  window  seat
slack jaw staring endlessly
at the scenery



looking at a laptop
streaming live video
from a camera mounted
just  outside  the  window

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you put your head in and you shake it all about

September 2, 2010

poor little mixte
stripped of its cranks
front wheel was first to go

symbolically representational smells like
piss poor poetry perfect placement project
abandoned building    stalled in this economy
as worthless as last year’s J Crew catalog

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100% Not Cotton

September 1, 2010

Today is the day
This is it      really and
This time it’s for real  
Today is the day
To try the same thing
       and expect different results

Second guessing wardrobe decisions within six blocks of home and nine more hours of work to ride out is not a worthwhile pastime. However it is completely normal on a wet 53° Tuesday still stuck in the context of summer and orbiting the promise of Labor Day weekend like a lawn chair left in the rain representing what might have been but still hoping for what could be.

Can’t you smell that smell? Sitting  standing by leaving wet spots on office building lobby furniture like soaked diaper prints spiced with road grime and unable to isolate the precise location of the odor but well aware of the smell of several months of sweet saved-up sweat unleashed by heavy rains from shoes, hats, helmets and bags especially the shoulder strap padding on dank DANK bags.

Thanks, I’ll take the next elevator… …except at One Union.  

In Seattle,  Tuesday could have been in February or November or April or August.

Made it through August with no fenders. Not because I didn’t need them but because it was another arbitrary goal  to set and achieve looking only to the calendar and not to the weather. Like refusing to turn on the furnace until Halloween, Like not wearing gloves until November. Like not installing a  front fender until December.

It’s important to have goals.

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"anyone can do this job"

August 31, 2010

show's over, nothing to see here, move along

August 31, 2010

if you see it on line it must be true

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do not adjust your set

August 30, 2010

What happens on RAGBRAI stays on the internet.

Water water everywhere and it’s not what you think.  I have no recollection of the events in question because I was not in the central time zone less than 51 weeks before the alleged incident took place.  However, no animals were harmed in the production of this production and no photoshop was necessary so it’s all in fun. Voluntary fun. Disposable income paid vacation recreation fun. Tallboy popping out of 12-ounce coozie fun.

slow down    you move too fast
got to make your Monday last

when one‘s enough
two’s too many

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August 28, 2010

you know you know it, although you may not know the lyrics you can mumble-hum along  just like you do when Kyrie comes on

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high gravity happy ending

August 27, 2010

elbow wrinkles give it away   day to day
reaching for a status quo that’s so ten years ago

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"...why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

August 25, 2010

the first step is admitting
Houston we have a problem
with   or   without
express written consent
what’s the holdup
held to a different standard
holding up     laying down
groundwork     a foundation
for over expectation
now it’s too late to revert
to mediocre pedestrian
how about a courtesy flush
for the environment
Seattle sits in seats
facing away from each other
all the better to not see you with              
this might be offensive
a fist full of dollars
now buys half as much
listen   hear my friend
do me a favor   don’t do me any favors
playing good cholesterol bad cholesterol
store in a cool dry place
press firmly on an empty stomach
do not write below this line

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have good day

August 25, 2010

The Logan Deli will be closing down as of Friday 8/27/10. It’s been in business, hidden in the basement of the Logan Building since 1985 and under current ownership since 1997. However, it can no longer survive in this economic climate (insert sound bite here) and so on and so forth. The handwritten sign in the window sums it up well and brought a tear to my eye. 

Over the past several years it’s been one of my favorite Mom & Pops. Without question it's my all-time favorite subterranean Korean Deli curry chicken special. Thursday’s Mongolian Beef special had a loyal lunchhour following with lines out the door. On rainy days sitting in a folding chair perusing People magazine listening to Burt Bacharach and loading on the Sriracha, it was a basement dining experience unlike anything in Seattle. 

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you can't get there from here

August 24, 2010

This is an egg
This is an egg in a frying pan

This is your brain
This is your brain regurgitating Reagan Years

This is you
This is you getting there from here

This is Peggy
This is Peggy buying salmonella-tainted eggs

This is Jim
This is Jim barfing up Peggy’s cupcakes in the breakroom

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single occupant vehicle

August 22, 2010


August 20, 2010

expectoration     spit
in the write direction
take the wind into account
take possession
with intent to distribute
possessed by demons
exorcised  daily      exercise
cyclical circular cycles
how much respect
can one expect
riding recumbent

actuaries predict
life expectancy actually
like a strip mall
Olive Gardens
Cheesecake Factories
TGI Fridays
who needs a reason
marketing Hallmark Holidays
amateur hour 4 - 6 daily
what did you expect
a ref with a red card
held aloft for all to see

ant colonies pickup and move
popup in a new groove
survival strategies
whac-a-mole  rope-a-dope
and other oh so subtle
signs of economic recovery
news at eleven

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important legal documents, very

August 19, 2010

you are here

August 18, 2010

Seattle Super Sonics

August 17, 2010

21 and over in dog years
dog eared to mark the date
remember the day
in the context of calendars
ringing in the ear
drinking so much       
so much beer
the ears ring   
tinnitus is not an earring
it’s the high pitch
tone of a blank TV screen
left on for days
discovered later turned off
you don’t know what you got till it’s gone
Joni Mitchell got it
right      in the shin   
a glass coffee table corner
been there forever
never noticed
read about it in a book somewhere
coming back around again
more like
a urinary tract infection
less like
rage against the machine
110% half ass
it’s got a handle
grab on
dumb it down
smile and chit chat
talk to your co-workers
more about TV
that’s what we need
what the fuck
did we do before facebook?
priceless now
back in the day
couldn’t give it away

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No shirt No shoes No shit

August 17, 2010

as cool as cool ranch flavor sometimes the sound of a rookie on the radio can be refreshing.  But not when they’re a rookie driver and you’ve been waiting fifteen minutes for a hand-off and they’re still looking for the address, but the address they’re looking for isn’t the one you’ve been standing in front of since the dispatcher sent you there…


Was that 1326 5th or 1325 6th or 1325 4th or 1425 5th  

Where are you?

I’m here dude, I’ve been here for a while, where the fuck are you?


Don’t get me wrong,  I was a rookie too just like you. I once called the dispatcher on the phone to tell him an address I was looking for did not exist, only to realize a short time later that I was rolling up and down searching for the right number on the wrong street.




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ONESIES« is a registered trademark of Gerber

August 15, 2010

within the next 7 - 10 working days
a fresh batch of pilderwasser  
American Apparel one-pieces
silkscreened silkscreening silkscreens  
back in black
size 6-12 months

I like to call them Onesies like Jell-O or Kleenex or Sheetrock

You may be able to buy one directly from the source

You may be able to buy one at full retail from Bootyland  

You may be able to get one in the mail         like   Daniel E. Murray

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not you, YOU

August 14, 2010


contemplating the end of a so-called career as a messenger aka “the day I walk away”  ...I sometimes think about all the people in “my neighborhood”    those people that recognize me, the people that say hi, the people that cut me some slack and give me the benefit of a 12 year doubt. The mailman, the security guards, the FedEx lady, the bus drivers, the receptionists, the mailroom clerks, the court clerks, the copy center dudes, the coffee shop girl,  the King County Sheriffs, the US Marshalls, the mom & pop moms and pops and even a few cops. You know you’ve been around awhile when the Marshalls at USDC ask how your lunch was because they watched you eat it on the bench outside yesterday and then they ask you about the good old days at 1010 5th. You know you’ve been around when a bus driver calls you out at a Sunday brunch with your family and then kisses you on the cheek. You know you’ve been around when drivers from other companies stop in traffic to talk. You know you’ve been around awhile if you see Ruie uptown and she asks for handlebar ride back to her office.

This is for the people in my neighborhood.

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today was my Friday

August 13, 2010



"Don't Sport On My Passion"  

     is a David Rosenthal production

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a quality of life issue

August 13, 2010

onward through the fog

August 12, 2010

Roundabout traffic circles
Residents meet hospital workers head-on
Searching for un-zoned parking
On East Spruce Street

Satanic goats bleat
To the beat of a non-union garbage truck
Dripping sour milk at each pause for pick-up
On East Spruce Street

Neighborhood cats readjust to reinforce
Their hierarchy   daily and nightly
Posturing puffing whining moaning
On East Spruce Street

Turning to face the sun
Or just waiting for the rotation of the earth
It’ll come around eventually                even
On East Spruce Street

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at the same table

August 11, 2010

The poet is someone who feasts at the same table as other people. But at a certain point he feels a lack.  He is provoked by a perception of absence within what others regard as a full and satisfactory present.

--Anne Carson     she‘s a poet

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eight nine ten

August 9, 2010

door to remain unlocked during business hours

August 8, 2010

impressive accusations accrue
imprecise accuracies occur
intolerable tolerances ache
ambiguously ambulatory
stationary bicicletas
bounce bodacious ta-tas
stupid stoops stoop to stupid lows
blue fluid flew over    over-due
dew do flow through
though they throw too
chew chewy dough
stew frumpy dumplings dump
dipping chips dipped dips
deep fried cheese sticks stick
birthday balloon pins prick
helium molecules sneak
throughout Mylar leaks



Sunday  Sunday  Sunday

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August 7, 2010

home from the hunt
trophy fig newton box
held high   proud

return to cubicle
delayed by white bread  
Blue Angel in Charger procession

full police escort

herky jerky tourist stride
ambling intersecting projecting
disposable income leisure travel timed

exposure  all get in the picture
hotel restaurant tax
rental car smell in a bottle  


one Blue Angel drinks 1200 gallons of fuel per hour 

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would you buy a used bike from this man?

August 6, 2010

on your left

your other left


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August 5, 2010

ten years later

hope and intention
transmit poorly

on the radio
ass out    you and me

communication       like
an experimental heterosexual co-ed

goes both ways
speak clearly

hold the button down
say what you mean

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it's all a blur

August 3, 2010

blurring the line between:

street & sidewalk
pedestrian & vehicle
bus & armored car
attorney & opposing counsel
plaintiff & defendant
petitioner & respondent
knock knock & who’s there
bad news & best day ever
doing it right & doing what the client wants
dispatcher A & dispatcher B
stupid is & stupid does
multitasking & half-assing
judge’s mailroom & 2nd floor men’s room
to & from
here & there
dine-in & take-out
coffee & beer
margin & utility
achievement & futility
yesterday & today
repetition & routine
recreation & transportation
safe & boring
shortcut & hypotenuse
predictable & professional
saddle & seat of pants
butt butter & jelly
hung-over & sober
walking walk & talking talk
trained messenger & trained monkey
flip flops & waffles
rain shadow & Sequim
commuter & weekend warrior
chuffer & poseur
sucker & lollipop
surface tension & soap
literally & figuratively
vocabulary & lingo
psychosomatic & South Lake Union
personal space & the smell of freedom
kickstand & dickstank
hard working & playing hard
petty details & little things

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Uvula vs. Epiglottis

August 3, 2010

Tuesday is a licking day
rent check
pay check
gut check

not necessarily in that order

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vegan sloppy joe

August 1, 2010

Precooked prepaid preconceived notion. Hypoallergenic rejuvenating lotion. Over inflated as if Dale Chihuly gives back to the community.    Snakebite. Puncture. Failure at the valve stem. Perforated rim strip. Flat tire. Putting the cart before the horse ex post facto. Broccoli cheese stuffed up tail pipe potato. Pro Bono. On a bike ride to the moon. Perpetuating the stereotype incorrectly including the kitchen sink et al. A full bubble off plumb. Non drive side rookie tattoos. Playing poker with a pinochle deck. Black sock high top beer gut. Petite baritone surprise. Matching powder coated frame pump. Preserved in plastic stink. Raw chicken. Undercooked pork. Self-leveling microscopically thick. Both-ended candle burning. Pissing below the top tube above the bottom bracket. Purple cabbage water splatter. Roof of mouth fish hook doppelganger.  Josie and Donna on 29. Forever.

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push me pull you

July 31, 2010

like Ladd’s Addition lost
where roses grow like weeds

I don’t know where I’m going
but I know I’ve been here before
waves of inertia break off shore     

somewhere out there
it stopped pushing
and started asking questions

washed-up on boredom beach
energy is not lost     it’s transformed
color   sound   temperature

jump on the entropy bandwagon
two days after the parade
only 363 days until next year

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what day is this?

July 29, 2010

48 hours in the Rose City
purple mountain majesty
or something like that
back in the 206
after an Amtrak attitude adjustment 
even Tacoma looks better from a train

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See car go. Go cargo.

July 26, 2010

avere sale in zucca

July 25, 2010

Dear Mom & Dad

Yesterday I put my Anthropology degree to use,  digging a hole in the back yard in which to put a clothes line post secured by a whole lot of cement and crushed rock. Along the way I thought of various  concepts like stratigraphy and carbon dating, gently digging with gentle tools, brushing the dust away with dust brushing brushes, electronic distance meters metering and mapping artifact location and carefully sifting all the dirt for anything I missed along the way all the while keeping accurate detailed notes.

But real world things kept getting in the way like sunburn, dehydration and beer depletion   and and and 29 gave me a ride to Lowe’s because riding a bike home with an 80# bag of cement sucks ass.

Oh   and one more thing I’d like ya’ll to keep in mind is… that same top-10 liberal arts college is still cranking out bachelors degrees but now they cost twice as much…so I got that going for me.

Out came the sun and dried up all the laundry and none of it will be reflected on the next electric bill.

Sincerely for real,


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Busman's Holiday Lite

July 24, 2010

Matt Averill photo

At this very moment on this 24th day of July, 2010   the people of the pilderwasser collective are loading up the team bus in Grinnell and getting ready for the drive to Sioux City for the beginning of RAGBRAI. However, I’m not there with them. If I was I’d be well into another can of Miller Lite and another brief reassurance to newer team members that “it’s OK, I always drink like this”

In the absence of my typical annual busman’s holiday I’ll be taking a brief cycle-tourist Amtrak-aided jaunt to Portland. A short visit to our especially gifted sister city to the south  aka  PDX   to slowly aimlessly ride my basket bike around with no schedule and no deadlines and no dispatcher. Cruising well within the six degrees of Matt Case.

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sequential non sequitur

July 23, 2010

Hardboiled egg slicer
Antibacterial hand sanitizer
Wednesday night breathalyzer
18-wheel tractor trailer
Full-time yoga instructor
Industrial-sized bolt cutter
Anorexic Elvis impersonator  
Sequential non sequitur
Ironic carbon fiber
5-pound steel riser
Top-mount thumb shifter
Humongous motorcycle lever
Schwinn grip rootbeer glitter
It’s-the-thought-that-counts fender
Platform pedal loafer
Disposable income poster
Dockers commercial commuter

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...to reach floors 37-55 please exit to the left

July 22, 2010

a real bell ringing
 a donger thing dinging
a clapper clapping
heavy metal on metal
 below then above
resonating right
through the threshold
of human hearing
like Little House on the Prairie
synthesized keystroke
ring-tone microchip
push-button bossanova
one   two
one   two
one bell up
two bells down

wait for it


take the stairs

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in the name of the zip code

July 22, 2010

and or the Capitol Hill Block Party is this weekend
 route re-route accordingly

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July 22, 2010

Our Lady of Control Freaks

July 21, 2010

non-drowsy formula
beans & rice
double stacked

four and a half minutes from everything
five minutes from nothing

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The Lost Cyclist

July 18, 2010

Tuesday July 20  7:00pm  at the Seattle Public Library

Historian David Herlihy presents an illustrated talk this evening, drawn from his new book, The Lost Cyclist: The Epic Tale of an American Adventurer and His Mysterious Disappearance (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt). This story of Pittsburgh-based long-distance racer Frank Lenz, whose dream of cycling around the world in 1892 ended with his mysterious disappearance in eastern Turkey, continues long afterward with attempts to solve the mystery and bring the accused murders to justice. "Fascinating ... Herlihy combines an admirable talent for sleuthing with the narrative skills of a first-rate storyteller." - Library Journal. David Herlihy is also the author of Bicycle: The History (Yale University Press), a long-standing reader and cyclist favorite. His work has also been featured on National Public Radio, and in The New York Times and Boston Globe.

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a clean well lighted place for everything and everything in its place

July 17, 2010

that's the way you need it

July 17, 2010

It’s not always a smooth fresh ribbon of tarmac with a gentle tailwind and attractive scenery. It’s a journey pocked with destinations. Pass-through towns one-horse towns over-night towns. Travelers  face a seemingly endless series of difficult questions. Is this real life? Why is this happening to me? I feel funny. Is this forever?     However   a useful coping strategy    is to narrow the scope to a more manageable focus. What’s this town called? What’s for lunch? How far is the next beer store?  Repeat as needed.     And don’t forget lip balm spf 15+
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I have two fingers

July 16, 2010

without sufficient information
blanks fill in         dots connect
the mind makes it make sense

smoothes    juxtaposition
correlates        causation
jumps       to conclusion

ambiguity don’t sit so good
on the ignorance fence
I reckon

it’s bound to fall
one way or the other
into tall-tale gray area

two-story-tall low-calorie beers
dancing kittens  cottered cranks
sesame noodle escalator calendars

now                           okay now
they’re all related
in your mind somehow

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and when you smile for the camera

July 15, 2010

drinking the Kool-Aid since 1972

July 14, 2010

Wearing a uniform is kind of fun when it’s optional. A regimented dress code is not so fun. A seating chart makes the kids grumble, but given the choice they’ll sit in the same seats everyday anyway.  People like to feel like they can keep their options open even though they’re most comfortable on the same old habit trails. Ordering the usual. Drinking the drink they drank yesterday and the 364 days before that.

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Miniature Schnauzers

July 13, 2010

you know what hard work gets you?
more hard work               punctuated
by a 29 minute lunch break

it’s all just a tax write-off
for the real money business
plastic spoons forks & knives

styrofoam bowls from China
Logan Deli ladies from Korea
single serving Siracha from California

off-gassing ABC gum stands by     
irradiated by cell phone signals
poked in the eye by wi-fi devices

the Miniature Schnauzer theme song
in the space between ads

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taken out of context, it stands alone

July 12, 2010


July 10, 2010

you say dark   I say light

you say chiaroscuro    I say tomato
you say scientific evidence    I say gut feeling

The art historian Bernard Berenson described his talent as a “sixth sense.” “It is very largely a question of accumulated experience upon which your spirit sets unconsciously,”  he said. “When I see a picture, in most cases, I recognize it at once as being or not being by the master it is ascribed to; the rest is merely a question of how to fish out the evidence that will make the conviction as plain to others as it is to me.” Berenson recalled that once, upon seeing a fake, he had felt an immediate discomfort in his stomach .

--The New Yorker

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Capitol Hills 98122

July 9, 2010

wafting  on  a  gentle  breeze
warming  well   before  noon
fermenting  dumpster juices
leaking   in   the   alley

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from Pike to Pine in a matter of minutes

July 8, 2010

Fuzzy Pumper Barbershop

July 7, 2010

the brown note radiates like ripples on a pond
pumped from an old Oldsmobile subwoofer
deep within a subterranean parking garage

freshly painted lane lines line up the same way
traffic signals timed in sequence for a weekday
same street signs   same streets    same day  
when it's OK to drive on one-ways the wrong way
Korean Canadian tourists in German sedans
South African visitors in Japanese SUVs
Idaho plates seeking sweet sales at REI
Oregon plates weaseling sales tax exemption

my way your way either way any way
pick up next-days and do them right away
"OK  whatever you say"       Mister Dispatcher
making up the rules as you go along
it’s all part of the little games you play

in a round room

righty tighty but lefty righty tighty too
can I get Italian cups on a 115 spindle
with a side of loose balls to go?     please

give me your tired    your huddled masses
your poorly adjusted cantilever brakes
singing squealing squawking screaming
Edvard Munch descending Seneca
Kool-Stop resonance    harmonic dissonance
all you haters   keep your distance

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bloody knuckle bike mechanics

July 5, 2010

it was a quality of life weekend in which I was able to spend less time at this keyboard and more time outside outdoors out in the open getting my hands dirty and bloody and chocolaty and greasy in both bottom brackets Italian threaded and bratwurst Italian sausaged and so and then dipped in $14 jars of Williams-Sonoma pickles using the slope guide to eyeball the yard between World Cup matches on the telly wearing two sweaters and a jacket and two hats standing in the rain for hours that fourth day of July blowing up beer bottles with expired fireworks watching a beercan chicken slow roast on the grill while soaked Seattle style because it is Seattle

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slippery slopes

July 2, 2010

Bimbos Bikesnob Burritos

July 1, 2010

there are no burritos in this photo
that Blu took about two months ago
where $5 pitchers of Rainier flow
and Bikesnob was so two weeks ago

one photo often leads to another
and it’s the same as it ever was
Thursday at the Storeroom
twelve years ago      or so

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reaching out, touching me, touching you

June 30, 2010

the thriftstore bike repair manual
on page 53  warned me sternly
in a 7th grade shop teacher way
to “avoid creeping decay”

oh so subtle from day to day
over time     adding up
until suddenly       it seems
my bike sucks

normal wear and tear
just riding along
the rise & fall of the messenger bike
the decline of the foul-weather commuter

lean it against the wall at night
reach for it the next day
hoping that it’s good enough
to go again

this Wednesday morning at 7:59am
a Top-10 list of activities
I do not enjoy  includes
bike maintenance

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Tonka Truck Tuesday

June 29, 2010

Grays Harbor County has seen a helium filled alien bovine influx

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1111 one more time

June 28, 2010

eleven eleven again one more time then again

cannot blame the dispatcher

he knows not what he says

he only repeats what he hears

cannot judge a day by its hangover

cannot judge a hangover until stuck on an elevator
with an over-perfumed office worker

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June 27, 2010

too      many     unnecessary     syllables

misdirected anger       wasted energy
loading - unloading in the bike lane
that's life in the small city

a bit of blind faith is necessary
at uncontrolled intersections
default meets intention

things will work out
with or without





(photo by Craig Etheridge)

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Urban Street ---six years later

June 26, 2010

re-reprinted from kickstand #18 (May 2004)   

because it's still true

and you probably lost your copy


right-click on the thumbnails to view images and read fine print

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out of service

June 25, 2010

I’ve been trying to work a little RAGBRAI into my daily life since back before I even knew I was doing it. Now that summer has finally arrived in the 98101 thoughts once again turn to the actual event, the inimitable rolling parade of 10,000 cyclists moving West to East across the state of Iowa. Not Idaho. Not Ohio.    Iowa.

RAGBRAI is one of the places on earth where it’s OK to stare at beautiful women on bikes in spandex. It’s not only socially acceptable, it’s unavoidable.  And these aren’t some stodgy Cascade Bike Club members layered-up and standing around chatting in a dark damp hangar at Magnusson Park, these are cyclists dressed for the heat of Iowa summers from all over the world riding as slow as they want to go to the next town, bar or beer garden. To the next church basement rhubarb pie sale. To the next campground. To the next carwash shower.  

RAGBRAI is the only place on earth where I feel relatively comfortable standing around in a beer garden wearing only Castelli shorts with no cutoff Dickies or Carhartts over them.  

It’s still June but I already feel like I’m missing out, because I am. Out of Service. This will be the first July since 2005 that I will not be along for the ride. However there will be a strong group of pilderwassers there, you’ll see.

Pillow Officer?  Pisser Wasser?  Pidlerwetter?

Only 13 months until the next next RAGBRAI

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it's all about the typeface

June 24, 2010

STOP and smell the Taylor Avenue

June 24, 2010

stop       drop       roll
head in
call 5 out

the clerical pool drain is clogged again
typically located deep within
the land of the receding hairline
where hair grows long
falling out hand in hand  in
compensation   comb-overs   cover-ups

criminal defense attorneys
often dress like architects

set up to succeed            or at least
make a clean getaway

elevator latte slurpers
teriyaki chicken smackers
starbucks cookie crumblers
surplus saliva suckers
let’s not do lunch

the smell of 1601 5th
so vanilla
so mediocre
so pedestrian

so     disposable
so often indisposed
one witness remained undeposed

as Wednesday fades away
      Thursday is another day

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there's that tree on Pike Street

June 23, 2010


I remember every photo I've ever taken, except one

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RCW 46.61.790

June 21, 2010

Blu photo

§ 46.61.790. Intoxicated bicyclists

(1) A law enforcement officer may offer to transport a bicycle rider who appears to be under the influence of alcohol or any drug and who is walking or moving along or within the right-of-way of a public roadway, unless the bicycle rider is to be taken into protective custody under RCW 70.96A.120 The law enforcement officer offering to transport an intoxicated bicycle rider under this section shall:

(a) Transport the intoxicated bicycle rider to a safe place; or

(b) Release the intoxicated bicycle rider to a competent person.

(2) The law enforcement officer shall not provide the assistance offered if the bicycle rider refuses to accept it. No suit or action may be commenced or prosecuted against the law enforcement officer, law enforcement agency, the state of Washington, or any political subdivision of the state for any act resulting from the refusal of the bicycle rider to accept this assistance.

(3) The law enforcement officer may impound the bicycle operated by an intoxicated bicycle rider if the officer determines that impoundment is necessary to reduce a threat to public safety, and there are no reasonable alternatives to impoundment. The bicyclist will be given a written notice of when and where the impounded bicycle may be reclaimed. The bicycle may be reclaimed by the bicycle rider when the bicycle rider no longer appears to be intoxicated, or by an individual who can establish ownership of the bicycle. The bicycle must be returned without payment of a fee. If the bicycle is not reclaimed within thirty days, it will be subject to sale or disposal consistent with agency procedures.
[2000 c 85 § 4.]
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bike rack is the new black

June 19, 2010

What’s ten bucks between friends?
What’s ten bucks an hour?

Ask Orcas Island

What’s a living wage in Seattle?
What’s the frequency Kenneth?

Ask me about my learned helplessness

Would you like soup, salad, fries or tots?

To break through you may need to
Piss outside the box

Ask Skunk

Best build it yourself
You won’t find it at Fred Meyer

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red herring cheesecake

June 18, 2010

Seattle has some clutch-popping hills
even while driving in bare feet
odds are on the other side of the street

full frontal nudity isn't what it used to be
it’s not about efficiency
it’s because I have to pee

the messenger bag appears to be empty
too clean too new too trying too hard
to look like    not trying too hard

if I’m seeking a cheesecake-factory experience
then I go to the Cheesecake Factory
as imitation is the sincerest form of fakery  

sincerely    for real      really
I have a well developed horseshit extractor
ask Vogel about the next chicken tractor

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downtube shifter boss

June 16, 2010

Insert downtube shifter bolt into non-drive side shin at full speed with force = mass x acceleration 

Cherry Street at 7th Avenue is a hill steeper than most any in the Central Time Zone and to put it all in perspective I don’t ride for Metal Bikes

Are you OK?

One hour and twenty-two minutes ahead of the deadline but starting to shake the blood not yet dripping from the stigmata on each hand

I just need a stamp on the return copy and the messenger slip

embarrassment    denial    anger   adrenaline    pain  

Dangling from the downtube shifter boss a clump of hair held together by an oh-so-thin piece of skin which moments ago was part of my shin

What we have here is      a real choad checker      a reminder that we’re  all just one wet wood expansion joint away from you can have my job on a day like this     One taxi driver away from are you talking to me      One slick 3rd Avenue cheese grater away from fuck this        One brief shining moment away from weighing the pros and cons and realizing that the pros have gone on a long winning streak but the cons sure can catch up quick

One way to take your mind off a slight headache is to smash your thumb with a hammer      it helps to get priorities in order

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doppler effect

June 16, 2010

he said     she said
and I said “copy that”
repeating as needed
40 hours per week

sometimes you want to go
where nobody knows you
work at Betts Patterson and
you’re on a coffee break


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hot ass

June 15, 2010

Hot Ass Poem

by Jennifer L Knox

Hey check out the ass on that guy he's got a really hot ass I'd like to see his ass naked with his hot naked ass Hey check out her hot ass that chick's got a hot ass she's a red hot ass chick I want to touch it Hey check out the ass on that old man that’s one hot old man ass look at his ass his ass his old man ass Hey check out that dog's ass wow that dog's ass is hot that dog's got a hot dog ass I want to squeeze that dog's hot dog ass like a ball but a hot ball a hot ass ball Hey check out the ass on that bird how's a bird get a hot ass like that that's one hot ass bird ass I want to put that bird's hot ass in my mouth and swish it around and around and around Hey check out the ass on that bike damn that bike's ass it h-o-t you ever see a bike with an ass that hot I want to put my hot ass on that bike's hot ass and make a double hot ass bike ass Hey check out that building it's got a really really really hot ass and the doorman and the ladies in the information booth and the guy in the elevator got themselves a butt load of hot ass I want to wrap my arms around the whole hot ass building and squeeze myself right through its hot ass and out the other side I want to get me a hot ass piece of all 86 floors of hot hot hot hot ass!

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Onesie x 8 = eight onesies

June 13, 2010

After an ass-kicking kick ass house warming party the house is sufficiently warm and the silk screening of eight one-of-a-kind onesies this afternoon means that pilderwasser world headquarters is now officially open for business

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lost and found

June 13, 2010

1 keg (15.5 US gallons) of IPA
5 gallons of Sangria
assorted bottles of liquor, wine & beer
75 bratwurst
217 kabobs
homemade mac n cheese
1 half gallon of potato salad
1 fat can of baked beans
1 bushel of tortilla chips
1 huge apple pie
1 giant chocolate mousse cake
and all of it downed before the sun went down

Thanks for coming over
Thanks for the gifts







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cool ranch flavor peanut butter stuffed pretzel

June 11, 2010

I’m on an elevator I might lose you
Can you hear me now

Functional over ornamental
Borderline beautiful in a Bauhaus way

Barcelona chairs everywhere
Plastic stacking Adirondacks out back

Two blue Park Tool stools
Two for you is two for me too


My bike was pointed in that direction
So I got on    and rode away

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Quick Release

June 10, 2010

I know a few messengers. I know a few messengers that drink beer. I know a few messengers that could kill a keg of High Life in 20 minutes. And I know a few messengers and bartenders that’ll slow just a bit chomping down a keg of IPA… Saturday.

Did you get the memo?

Backyard BBQ
Beer Bratwurst Bicycles
Bartenders Bike messengers Baristas
Badass Bumblebees
Blue Birthday Butterflies
Bring Your Own Bourbon

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June 9, 2010

every picture tells a story

June 8, 2010

C Northcraft said it well

well see Northcraft  he said it like this:

when a messenger realizes he's in possession of some over paid lawyers acknowledgement prize for a job well done, he wonders about his own self worth. where are his shiny trophies, his tokens of praise, and accolades for putting his neck on the line day in and day out in the service of the highly payed, highly praised legal counsel sitting in there high rise offices, sipping cappuccinos discussing there upcoming vacations to aruba. as he sits in the sun drinking a beer eating teriyaki he realizes where is prize is. his gold star is in moments like this. moments of freedom in the work day, moments to reflect and relax, moments to enjoy time with friends and pontificate about the bullshit of the rat race playing out all around him. most of all he realizes that his true reward is getting payed to do something he loves, riding his bicycle.
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June 7, 2010

the Bike Snob book tour hits the UW Bookstore June 19 at 2:00pm

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if you lived here you'd be home by now

June 6, 2010

Olympic Law Group
signature round trip
keep track of wait time

it could take a while

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Camden Hall is not a dormitory

June 5, 2010

constant inconsistency
has been our policy
for over ten years  
invert and multiply

shampoo and conditioner
heads or tails
making peanuts
add jelly to taste

aluminum can
warm busch light
residuals reside  
at the base of the skull

avocado colorado
party pizza cheese
knife in toaster
fresh ground pepper

asbestos pajamas
thinly sliced panties
bunched up in your face
zeppelin II vending machine

sticky white rice
chopstick option
whole doughnut
donut hole

segregated cigarettes
congregated smokers
situated ashtrays
relegated bike racks

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visualize saddle on 27.2 seatpost

June 3, 2010

riding sans saddle sucks   but
just like anything else
you get over it
you get used to it    
you get good at it


Day Labor
A short film about bike messengers, day laborers and outsourcing

Starring This Guy
Directed by That Guy
Produced by Buzzard Industries

Tuesday June 8, 2010     7:00pm
Central Cinema

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Beer Tax Increase June 1st

June 1, 2010

Subscribed and sworn to me this first day of June 2010, a new beer tax went into effect in the State of Washington. As I am in and for the County of King residing in Seattle… the man tacks on an additional 50cent tax to each gallon of beer sold. Microbrews are exempt.

In the name of research and your best interests, I hit the streets this morning seeking out more information on price increases and what it all means to Joe Six-Pack, Joe Roadmaster and even Joe 18-pack of tallboys.

Keep in mind a US Gallon of beer is 128 ounces
An 18-pack of tallboys is 288 ounces
A standard 24-can case is 288 ounces
Matt Case is a Flyers fan
A pitcher of beer is 64 ounces
An unpaid lunch break is 30 minutes
A six-pack of tallboys is 96 ounces
A roadmaster is 24 ounces

This additional 50cent per gallon tax will bring in millions of dollars to the recession strapped budget short fallen Washington State economy. However it does not translate directly in ounces per dollar to the guy on the street. The shop owners, the mom n pops, the local bodegas are using it as a reason an excuse a justification and a rationalization to raise the prices 10, 25 even 75 cents per six pack. I don’t blame them. They’re hurting as much as anyone. And I'm prepared to dig deeper into the schmutz covered change at the bottom of my bag to complete the typical roadmaster transaction... $2.20    $2.21  whatever it takes. 

In this economy it’s the man sticking it to Joe Six-Pack. Even though Joe Mercedes Benz could take care of this with a just a few cars bought and sold the usness of we decided to nickel and dime it out of the guys hanging outside of Bensons.  Taxes on candy, bottled water and cigarettes are also up and up and up today.

Wages continue to stagnate as the cost of living rises like oil in the waters of the Gulf of Mexico.

They’re afraid to say it but like Carl Sagan said it’s Billions and Billions and Billions

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decent descent

June 1, 2010

it only smells like Monday

in there somewhere is a recurring theme

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it's like this

May 29, 2010

Brujo photo

more Westside photos from Rob here

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that's what she said

May 28, 2010

all the better to eat you with

May 27, 2010

the uppermost NW corner
lower 48 altered states
220  -  221 whatever it takes
long neck bottles
short attention spans
return to room temperature
gin in a sippy cup
two handles to handle
completely illegal
readily available     online
oral fixation  snorkel
all the better to breathe you with
running & riding with lollipops
pierce the cheek with authority
like Chuck at Lucky Devil
yes   it could be worse
ask Blu     of course
it’s always the last place you look

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static equilibrium

May 26, 2010

take a pull         experience the moment of force

achieve the dream of dynamic equilibrium

on two wheels         like a visit to PDX

it never gets old   it's prehistoric

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it's like riding a bike

May 25, 2010

A few days off the bike helped me realize how much I enjoy cycling. Not just the act of riding a bike, but the independence, the efficiency and the utility of cycling in the city. On Bike-to-Work day I wasn’t working, I didn't ride a bike and I actually spent more time in a car than I ever do. As well as more time  walking, bus riding, light rail taking, taxi hailing, plane flying, tank of gas buying and finally asking various family members to drive me around Westchester County like soccer moms.

Utility cycling is not asking for a ride.

Utility cycling is avoiding the waxy yellow buildup that builds up on the exterior of human bodies waiting for public transportation.

Utility cycling is cleaning out the plaque that accumulates after accommodating everybody’s schedule except your own.

Utility cycling is like riding a bike.

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time check

May 19, 2010

success is holding down a foam-out at 8:45am

standing by downtown round and round

success is not a gold watch

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pre Westside Invite invite

May 18, 2010

prime the pump and grease the rails before the WestSide

Ladies and Gentlemen!  Upcoming, on this auspicious Memorial Day Weekend, is the 10th and final edition of the West Side Invite!

If you have ever thought about coming to Portland in order to participate in booze and stripper fueled messenger mayhem you'd better figure out a way to drag your sorry asses to the PDX now because come June 1st it'll be all over.

There will be dice rolling, beer drinking, U-Lock horse shoeing, foot downing, track standing, thumb wrestling, short stopping!  You'll be asked, nay!, expected to consume painful amounts of coffee and wash that down with a gazillion beers! (maybe not a whole gazillion).  You'll Goldsprint until you puke, but there'll be plenty of beer to wash that taste out of your mouth so don't worry.  You're going to participate in a main race that will tax both body and mind, and nary a Redbull in sight!  You'll see all there is to see in our fair city!  You'll meet up with friends old and new to celebrate this great weekend and all of the folk who made it great.  Finally, you'll sit around on Monday drinking more beer and having a BBQ while a bunch of yahoos play in the oldest messenger style hardcourt polo tournament in the world!  This may or may not be fun, come see which it is.


The Last of the Disorganizers

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the time is now is the time

May 18, 2010

the time is    now    is the time

can’t go back for one missed belt loop

life’s too short   for non-alcoholic beer

the cats and dogs will work things out

bring a sweater

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R & R

May 17, 2010


it's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days

take it easy Quon      like an extended weekend getaway

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frame of reference

May 14, 2010


today’s frame of reference      stuck
in the context of yesterday    so 16 hours ago

long curly blonde hair tightly wound around
discarded 7-speed freehub bodies

David Lee Roth    Sammy Hagar
chain suck back slap quick chuck

flip flop fire code    violation
second encore standing ovation

suburban sprawl   grade inflation
here and now  delayed gratification  

urban growth boundaries  gerrymander
board of equalization    hearing examiner

perforated pull-out serving suggestion
enlarged to show texture                  likes nice bikes

his name appears on the downtube
but he hasn’t touched a torch in years

back to basics      keep it simple
block & tackle fundamental

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a day late ▒ 13 years

May 13, 2010

just riding along (JRA)

May 13, 2010

bike-to-work day gets more people on bikes and out of cars and that’s a good thing with the arrival of spring in Seattle the Dexter Avenue parade of commuters is in full bloom but it’s not the matching shoe cover & eye protection Cat 2 decked out spandex dudes that get my attention it’s the commuter chuffers bouncing biopacing undulating on under inflated tires expending more energy chafing their ass on a sheepskin saddle than they’re putting into the pedals inefficiently mashing a tiny gear while white knuckling purple anodized bar ends and bobbing their whole torso up and down back and forth like a dippy bird drinking because  that’s what it’s all about

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May 12, 1997

May 12, 2010

it’s Purple Jersey Day
or  Purple  Vest   Day      if you prefer

my very first day
at Elliott Bay                       messenger company

a calendar date to commemorate
an anniversary to celebrate

I’m working on the video proof
you’ll see

and it will all make sense
thirteen   years   later

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relocation assistance

May 10, 2010

Heather Pitre photo

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there once was a woman from Dallas

May 7, 2010

Add grade-school humor to taste and complete the limerick as you see fit. It’s Friday and it’s Skunk’s 14th birthday.
    In other news, you may have heard that pilderwasser world headquarters will be relocating soon, this is true. Therefore I will be spending less time here and more time schlepping boxes filled with books, kitchen utensils, golf clubs, punctured inner tubes and my binder clip collection. Soon after that will come travel around North America where I will be drinking beer with friends and family in other zip codes and time zones.
    During the next few weeks I will continue to work on my theory that it is indeed possible to overcome self-esteem issues by using more hair product. With the development and testing of a series of hypotheses through observation in “real” world places like Westport, Aberdeen, Mt. Kisco and New York City… my research continues.
    Upon my return to the comfort and asperger-like consistency of a daily routine I will share some of the research.  And by that time I will be screening more t-shirts, onesies and top secret glow-in-the-dark boxer briefs and trying to sell them to you.

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be on my side, I'll be on your side

May 5, 2010

please use the revolving door please

May 5, 2010

Bike month.  Bike to work day. Bike this. Bike that. I usually ride the bus into the office or get a ride with my wife if it‘s not raining and she‘s working at the Redmond campus. But I’m going to dust-off the Huffy and try to ride it in on a sunny day this month at least from where Lorainne drops me off, before she turns onto Mercer in the morning. My co-workers said they’ll try to ride in one day because the boss is some kind of bike nut and I heard he’s friends with the mayor who rides a bike too.

If you read it online it must be true.

What would Dave Hiller do?

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wanna come upstairs and measure my fork rake

May 4, 2010

pink or blue as if those are the only two choices to toggle switch between off or on no no-man’s land on the coffee-beer continuum...

...continually blissful ignorant vocabulary repeated repeatedly as seen on TV not missing a thing except the point of no return





 plumb bob      protractor      digital caliper

  head tube   chain stay   crank length

talk about toe overlap

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take a moment to locate the exit nearest you

May 3, 2010

What if your target audience cannot afford the product you’re selling?
What if the cost of doing business has outgrown the demographic
Asking people to step up with a credit card
To continue to live their lives at the level they’ve grown accustomed to
Inflation continues while wages stagnate like bad cheese

Would you like to buy a t-shirt?

George if your one-of-a-kind glow-in-the-dark kickstand t-shirt never arrived in Carbondale, I will make you another one when pilderwasser world headquarters completes its relocation.  

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I'm bound to pack it up

May 2, 2010

Steak Cut
Frozen French
Fried Potatoes
Grade A Extra Long Fancy
boxes recycled one more time around
labeled   taped  stacked beneath
Heinx 57 Tomato Ketchup
restaurant package not for retail



it‘s a renter's market

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India Pale Ale

April 30, 2010

Who’s this  behind the bar    little miss pixie?

Well hello Gloomy Gus  or is it Mr Grumpy Pants?

Where’d they find this one  where’s Brian?  It is Saturday  isn‘t it?

That’s a lot of hard living lumped into one dried out rhinoceros of a man

That’s a spunky haircut    I bet she’s in a band      or something

Guys like that act as if the world owes them something
but somewhere along the way they stop trying
and start complaining

Gals like that are always the center of attention like lead singers
strutting the attitude and the tattoos      I’ve seen it all before
since her parents were in elementary school

I’ve been pouring beer for years
I should write a book about people in bars      people in general

I’ve been sitting at this bar for years      years
what does it take to get a beer around here?

He’s already giving me   the look
bloodshot eyes blend right into cherry red face

Didn’t she see me pull into the parking lot?
if Brian was here I’d be a pint down by now

I’ve got six tickets up      
but he can’t see past that platypus nose
“Can I get you a beer?”


“Are you hungry? Would you like to see a menu?”



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call it off the glass

April 29, 2010

faded  faded    anticipated
a finite number of variables
an infinite number of combinations
if there’s a way to fuck it up
the legal secretary will find it
staple it   clip it   fold it   forget it
find a way to blame the messenger
herein fail not at your peril
take a number in the big waiting room
where piped-in music drips slowly
like a leaky faucet quietly killing me
one smooth jazz favorite at a time 
waiting for the other drip to drop



messengers in mirror may be smarter than they appear


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employee appreciation party

April 28, 2010

tuna salad snacks packed
in celery stick canoes
floating on a mayonnaise river
through a hardboiled egg island
in a sea of blue jello
embedded marshmallows periodically exposed
in the harsh lights of the banquet room
well into the danger zone
purple plastic taped over a folding table
500 sporks still in the box
750 styrofoam bowls stacked
300 surplus square napkins embossed “Bob & Lucinda”
Coke and Diet Coke available  for 75 cents

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Capitol Hill apartment for rent - $700

April 27, 2010

Available May 15, 2010... if not sooner. This is not fiction. This is not a joke. This will be on craigslist soon but I’m trying to keep it in the family first. For real. Really. I'm not the manager. I'm not the owner. I'm the soon to be former tenant. 

In some zip codes it could be called a one-bedroom, but I'd call it a large studio. Huge windows recently replaced, high ceilings, wood floors, gas stove, gas heat, clawfoot tub. Classic old world charm. They don't build them like this anymore.  In a solid brick building at 12th & Howell. Not that one. The other one, above the bike shop. 

This second floor unit on the SE corner of the building, gets a lot of sunlight. Spitting distance from Cal Anderson park, restaurants, bars, tattoo shops, bike shops, coffee shops, thrift stores, book stores, art stores, locksmiths, sushi, Chungees, the Hugo House and much much more. Word.. 

There are 5 grocery stores within 5 minutes. Cars are not necessary here but zip cars are stationed nearby.

Call John the manager aka bike shop guy at 206-323-1631 for immediate viewing opportunities.

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fluffy fluff

April 27, 2010

Sunday afternoon on the way to the bar I stopped to check out the new Blick art supply store on Broadway, which is a welcome addition to the neighborhood and a new source of silkscreen supplies as well as acid free archival quality paper and those cute little wood figures with articulated joints and a metal rod up their ass.  And it’s all located even closer to pilderwasser world headquarters.

I locked up my trusty basket bike on Pine Street and went in the store for 4 minutes. When I came out I noticed right away someone had stolen the rain jacket I had stashed under the basket, which I sometimes do when I’ll be out for six or eight hours in unpredictable Seattle weather. I prefer to go bagless on weekends after schlepping a bag 40 hours per week. So before leaving home I grabbed a jacket and actually verbalized loud enough for my cat to hear, “I’ll grab one that I won’t be too worried about getting stolen”  And about 12 minutes later it was stolen. This was a light wind-proof water-resistant jacket that I bought at a thrift store a few years ago. It literally had duct tape augmenting the right shoulder and reflective stripes stripping & ripping off from heavy use. This was not Rapha or Castelli or Assos this was a $5 jacket, but I actually wore it and could have used it yesterday at work when the rains came.  

When I arrived at the bar Sunday, still angry about my jacket, I had big thoughts of writing ranting whining about stupid people stealing stupid shit off of other people’s bikes and karma coming around. Then I had a few beers and went to see the Seattle poetry grand slam championship and listened to people talking speaking presenting performing some intense personal political powerful things and it sort of made me put my missing jacket in perspective and try not to whine about weak little things like fluffy pink coffee drinks. The ride home that night was relatively warm and dry and I have other jackets I can take to work today.

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on the patio

April 26, 2010

 your absence
now a presence
you're   still   here
the  sundial  doesn’t  lie
horizontal verticals    come full circle
parallel lines appear to touch
two minutes past noon
nextel time      church bells ring
their same old worn out loop
recording                  echoing
off so many walls         difficult
to isolate the source






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one gears

April 24, 2010

5-year plan

April 23, 2010

No Christmas bonus. No job security or 401k or pension plan or retirement benefits or annual cost of living pay increase. No timeshare in Whistler. No vacation home on the island. There is no vacation. There are no restrictions on the HOV lane, no membership at the WAC and no MBA. No framed diplomas on the wall next to the handshake photo of you with the senator from Ohio. It’s not about Brooks Brothers button-down or cashmere, a gold Rolex or a golden parachute. No stock options and no dry cleaning. No reigning-in casual Fridays that got too casual. There are no team-building exercises, annual fund raising banquets, strategy seminars or sales retreats. There is no profit sharing. There are no external incentives. There will not be a towncar waiting to take you to the airport. There is no layover in Dallas. There is no chance for a first-class upgrade. There will be no chest-puffing story telling at the class reunion. There will be no huge donation to the alma mater. There are no cubicle calendars. There is no non-dairy creamer no swizzle sticks no four dozen donuts in the break room. There is no recycled office building air. There will be no renegotiating the lease for more space. Being a messenger is not a career move or a  résumé  builder or a stepping stone. There is no 5-year plan.

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eye heart bicycle

April 21, 2010

Jason Wells photo from Shanghai

I hate looking for parking for longer than it took to drive there
then getting a parking ticket for not having the proper zone permit

I hate paying more for parking than it cost for dinner
I hate $25 early bird specials    and    meters with 15 minute limits
I hate car salesmen          and
their rustproof undercoating  new-car-smell charade

I hate the single male driver actuarial profile
fender bender    two estimate    touchup paint
rate hike   insurance premium   monthly payment

I hate the cold morning car won’t start stalls in intersection stress
burning oil   dead battery   gas leak   brake caliper   dragging muffler

I hate leaving home two hours early to try to get to work on time
I hate sitting in traffic miles before the on-ramp
then merging into I-5 when it isn’t even moving

I hate the Mercer mess from 5th Avenue to the freeway
I hate hearing frequent traffic updates on KIRO news radio
bottleneck   backed up   bumper to bumper   gridlock

I hate $700 for parts and $2000 for labor

I hate frequent oil changes
I hate blown fuses
I hate car alarms on quiet streets at 3:00am
I hate the tax on rental cars
I hate zip car mini coopers and pt cruisers

I hate trying to hail a cab in the rain when 
I'm on the phone and it’s hard to hold my umbrella and my latte  

I hate it when my umbrella gets inverted and my hair gets wet

I hate rushing to the bus stop then waiting 25 minutes
for a crowded damp h1n1 bus that drops me off eight blocks away
only to wait    to transfer    to another bus

I hate paying for a full tank of gas
the free carwash that comes with it
won’t wash away the hate

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April 20, 2010

One day last week while sitting on a damp metal bench at the Plymouth Pillars dog park well into the twenty-seventh minute of my lunch break,  I noticed that the often overcast sky of Seattle brings out the puce in the cityscape 

Puce (often misspelled as "puse","peuse" or "peuce") is a color that is defined as ranging from reddish-brown to purplish-brown, with the latter being the more widely-accepted definition found in reputable sources. Puce is a shade of red. The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) dates the use of "puce" (in couleur puce) from 1787. The first recorded use of puce as a color name in French was in the 1300s. The word comes from French: puce literally means "flea", as the usual flea coloration is either dark reddish-brown or dark purplish-brown; specifically, it is the color of the belly of a flea

     from Wikipedia

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the winner takes it all

April 19, 2010

look ma, a liberal arts degree

April 18, 2010

there's a little Grinnell everywhere

and whiffs of RAGBRAI wafting on the breeze 

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the morning after

April 17, 2010

situations get fucked up

hi-tops       OK
low-cut       fine
¾                not so much

100% half-ass works out to around 50%

sometimes it’s better to be Bill Brady
in for a penny
in for a pound

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pick up the kids from school and more beer

April 15, 2010

This kg271 Bucket bike made by Madsen Cycles was at 1420 today. With room for two toddlers strapped down in the bucket and another in the ultra-Euro kid holder with faring up front on the bars. This bike kicks ass and is much smarter than a smart car.

Available at Recycled Cycles  or  directly from Madsen

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goodnight moon dream

April 15, 2010

three times around in the revolving door    then
out into a great green Astroturf rumpus room
a gold rotary phone rings hardwired    string

holds down a shiny red balloon   unmistakably
the one from the movie    kid voices speak French
while German subtitles appear on the wall    below

a picture of a painting of a cow jumping over the moon
bolted down securely against gravity in the lobby of Denny’s
Grand Slam breakfast dish runs away with the spoon

to one corner where three little Jerry bears rest
breaking briefly between songs and dancing around
correspondingly colorful musical plastic stacking chairs

on the turf two little kittens recently removed
from mother suckling the thumbs of two little mittens
grandmother knit strung together forever dangling   

the little toy house hinged-roof opens  to reveal
a young mouse anthropomorphically typecast
as if Stuart Little sounds like Michael J Fox

atop the coffee table a Hair Club for Men member’s
clogged comb and brush triangulate  with a
not too hot not too cold just right bowl of mush

everywhere stars fill the air with good night noises
no need to say goodnight         socks walk away
and it’s OK if nobody’s there at 7:00      except

that intimidating librarian looking old lady
saying in a near whispering hush  
this is NPR’s Morning Edition    I’m Bob Edwards

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are you my Bucky?

April 15, 2010

 here's Milkshake,  and he's not standing on Lenora Street,  that's Roubaix

"...Paris–Roubaix on pavé, because pavé was what the roads were made of..."
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I have no recollection of the events in question

April 14, 2010

Is there another Starbucks around here?

April 14, 2010

suit on cellphone:

I’m in the lobby…  …I see Starbucks
but your name isn’t on the directory
and the elevators won’t go to 41

overly friendly bike messenger:

Excuse me sir, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and I believe you’re in the wrong building.

Your deposition is at 1420 5th, this is 1325 4th and Starbucks is not exactly a reliable landmark in this town.  When you get to 1420, there are three separate Starbucks in the lobby but don’t let that confuse you. Just allow yourself some extra time to find Lane Powell.

Is there anything else I can help you with? 

Have nice day sir, and good luck with your deposition.






Yesterday I sat at 1001 for nearly 12 minutes before I spotted a friendly bike messenger, or any bike messenger at all.

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April 13, 2010

counterintuitive counterproductive counterfeit

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you don't bring me flowers

April 12, 2010

You, with the blue bandana and eyebrow rings. Me, the petite brunette cubicle slave. Why are you never delivering something to my building when I come outside anymore?     Where: City Centre Building.    You: man. Me: woman.

This was in the print version of the Stranger last week. I'm not just making it up but I do think it’s thinly veiled commentary on the decline of the bike messenger industry as well as the state of the local economy.

Way back when blue bandana (two-four) used to lock-up or at least pretend to lock-up 27 times a day at 1420, cubicle slave was probably outside smoking for four of those times. 24 was running rolls to and from Callison because Callison was working with engineers and general contractors and new construction job sites all over town because people were developing property and building things and buying things and selling things and renting things more back then and they needed more architects and support staff down the line and all the other Fleetfoot clients in that building were cranking out more work too and there were more messengers everywhere transporting more messages via bicycle.

Blue bandana still goes up to Callison but not like he used to.  

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check torque spec

April 8, 2010

Strung together in what appear to. Be complete sentences. Punctuated and capitalized in continuous continuity. Progressing linearly towards arbitrary goals. Paragraph structure holds that thought together no hand track stand turn the page.

Flash cards for
Je-sús Krís-to Spanish vocabulary human anatomy pre-WWI European geography. Yes yes sweater vest yes. Thigh high stockings pulled to full potential. Attractively displayed in well lit windows arranged with bowls of grapes on tables too small to be practical perfectly ornamental.

Fireworks will work for food.  Act accordingly as sign illuminates. Canned applause. Jars of applesauce. Shopping lists consistently consist of items bought before. Got sweet pickles get cat food meaty bits only.  Pancake mix trail mix mish mash mixed tape mixed nuts mixed drinks.

Overblown binder bolts crunch carbon fiber. Check torque spec mail it in. Postmarked check floats overslept windblown grassy knoll. Catholic school girls rule. Maiden voyage to get away from here too got on an elevator to disappear.  Step into the metal box elevate to #42. Astroturf roof deck well drink happy hour. Inside outdoors up high deep down. Needles pins poke prick stick thick wax.

Drip drops drips down table tops stained scraped off morning after strained shadows remain. Bifocal nose piece rubber band circulation constrained. Velcro rip - stick strap quick fix stripe Jell-O gelatin slap stuck Sheetrock wallboard.  Spackle absences present cavities filled. Drilled bored-out outboard boring.

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nu shooz

April 8, 2010

Four-Six Day (▒)

April 7, 2010

is that a U-lock in your pocket?

does a lock like that
provide enough security
for a bike like that

trend cycles tend to come around

on an elevator with a guy
who actually stinks more than I do
and he’s not a messenger

socially acceptable but creepy   dirty laundry

digging deep
to pull from the bottom
of the pile and reclassify
it’s no longer “dirty”
it’s now in transitional stage
and could go either way

to be as sober as a judge

doesn’t pull much weight in King County
and steer clear of State Patrol Officer
as well as the Assessor

with bloodshot clarity I can see

mostly beer with scattered wine and liquors
dehydration developing overnight
early morning nausea turning to a general malaise
and possible hangovers at higher elevations

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to stop and smell the moss

April 6, 2010

go out of the way to ride through Interlaken
stop and smell the moss on a Monday
take an interurban Garfield Street getaway    
see Westlake Avenue North in a whole new way
sprawl out on your belly like a happy chubby beagle
teach an old dog how to play backgammon
eat deep fried potato skins and five orders of sushi
drink red wine with raw fish if it feels like Tuesday
turn off your phone because it’s happy hour somewhere

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and miles to go before I sleep

April 3, 2010

why don't you do what you do when you did what you did     Easter Bunny

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All Hail the Black Market

April 2, 2010

the cockeyed girl says it best 

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Old Style

April 2, 2010

outside the bus       inside the bus

on the bus          off the bus

we will not be undersold

chock full of antioxidants

we play airplane

other brother Daryl on Buttercup

free trade agreement

I see   said the deaf man

a relatively small attention span

the long and the short end of the stick

SKS full fenders struts hardware

mismatched set makes a pretty pair

what are you eating under there?

if it’s Thursday we must be in mongolian beef

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A body in motion tends to remain in motion

April 1, 2010

baby Brott




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delicious again Peter

March 31, 2010

I don’t like it when people tell me what to do

yeah   no shit
so you made a career out of it

dispatch me

promptly refrigerate unused portion in a separate container

when I say pro se
you say hey
when I say pro se
you say hey
say hey pro se  you don’t stand a chance

at 1111 3rd idle hands are tools of the devil
at 801 2nd they’re greeters for Jesus Christ

mmmm    it does go well with the chicken
delicious again Peter

take away all the good stuff
from this job as a legal messenger
while retaining all the bad
and what’s left?
a job in the Lane Powell mail room

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March 31, 2010

excise tax affidavits

March 30, 2010

Pulling up the blinds in the morning to peek outside for a personal weather prediction, sort of a gut-feeling forecast because the weather man is just a poorly trained actor who could be selling salad shooters or garden weasels as well as he sells the 5-day forecast.

Filling the view framed by the kitchen window is a $1.2 million house for sale. It’s been for sale for a couple years and the sign has read “Price Reduced!” for at least a year. Now it’s only $995,000 and zoned for commercial use.  

Taking into account the location, the price, the recent trends in business and real estate as well as the number of trips I’ve personally taken to title insurance companies and the number of excise tax affidavits I’ve recently filed in King County, when compared to the numbers of yesteryear, the fact that this house has not sold is no surprise.

What gets my attention is the guy who has been living on the front porch of this house for the last several months. Each night after dark he sets up camp and each morning he packs up. As I make coffee and dread going to work for another 9 hour shift in the rain with my lovely coworkers. As I beat myself up over unused potential. As I read  in the sports section about a feel-good bracket buster or Ben Rothlisberger. This guy, my neighbor across the street, is stashing his stuff in the bushes and getting set for another day of walking around town with his umbrella and brief case.  

I see my neighbor every morning and he probably sees me too, in my relatively warm and luxurious apartment making coffee. But when I see my neighbor walking downtown, near the library or around Belltown, I wonder if he recognizes me.  

Instead of feel for the day’s weather, I get a pit of my stomach feel for the local economy from which I could extrapolate and comment extensively on the bigger picture. However, this morning, like Bartleby, I prefer not to.

Is it raining?

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selling the sizzle as well as the steak T-shirts

March 29, 2010

half full cup of coffee half empty

March 28, 2010

In her right hand   a double short Americano to go  

in her left    a handful of front brake

cruising    coasting    23mph   downhill tears welling up rolling down Second Avenue she weighs the pros and cons of potential evasive maneuvers around Jane Doe’s sudden stop to unload John Doe in the Benaroya bike lane   visions of a buckaroo endo over the bars then over the passenger door with both feet clipped out cleanly  ditching the bike and bending the fork but saving the cup of coffee    smiling and talking to herself inside and out loud    all this and more in an early morning first run of the day haze   the fog of work worked over her eyeballs   hazy foggy fuzzy faded      so much so      so it’s hard to tell where the weather stops and the hangover starts  where the great night ends and the rough morning begins   where her genetic makeup is just a setup for her family history to kick in      where those rose colored glasses keep falling off her head and getting run over by a bus

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shoes with cleats or pedals with clips

March 28, 2010

registration is open for both of these epic events:
CMWC XVIII  Guatemala         September 2010

WestSide Invite X    May 28 - 31, 2010        PDX

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give me a lever long enough

March 26, 2010

give me a 5mm allen wrench and a couple zip ties

and I can change the world



beer helps too

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head cheese

March 25, 2010

Attractive in a not my type way
Attractive in a friend’s mom way
Attractive in a I should look away way

Today is the day to hammer away at the same task and expect different results

The temp worker they sent over was distracting the attorneys so we had to trade her in for something frumpier

Bike racks shine in the sun buffed by thousands of butts but most likely the same few butts smoking butts a thousand times

The smell of eviction papers served cold in the morning

Sandwiches bigger than your head loose meat two for five

Completely plucked by 6:00pm

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non-drive side on your left

March 24, 2010


March 23, 2010

Weekend warriors would perhaps view this bike as janky. But I know better. When form follows function fluidly even utility can be pretty, or at least attractive. There are a few people that can walk into a garage and walk out with a bike built-up from the scrap heap,  Lee is one of those people. With just a few “new” bits he built this beauty.  Fabricating and welding on the rear disk tabs and yoking together bike parts that normally would not speak to each other. Compatibility issues quashed.
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said it once before but it bears repeating

March 22, 2010

the image speaks for itself
a language barrier bunny hopped cleanly
standing alone      it stands alone
words get in the way
interpretations  do   done   did
anyway    either way   one way              or another
by this   with this   under this
as seen in exhibit A   see illustration   diagram #2.1
no need to explain       when explanation ruins it
seeking answers       looking to the liaison
blurring the line between socially acceptable and
another open container citation
the movie sucks      but the book kicks ass
you see what I mean
I smell what you’re getting at
the stink     masked by perfume     still stinks
out damn spot          motherfucking goddamn spot
instead of walking downstairs
to get a screwdriver to fix it in 5 seconds
fumbling with it for 15 minutes
with a butter knife that is still on the window sill
crusty from the Christmas party
the shoes   the moustache   the haircut    
undergraduate degrees    matching accessories         
it’s all the same to me
beat down
on the downbeat signified by a diagonal line
drawn through the square  that is today on the calendar
crossed off before 3:00pm   the highlight   the ritual  the ceremony 
how was your day   fine    how was your day
a sophisticated filing system has evolved
refined over the years
it’s called a pile
and the things on top are easier to get to
from the side you can see
the stratigraphy       as history is made
cheese and crackers
until the cheese is gone    and then
it’s just crackers

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rise over run

March 21, 2010

the smell of CoolGuy Park
in the first day of Spring air
exposed skin in cut-offs cut off

somewhere near the midpoint
between Spring and Fall
between Tacoma and Everett

a symphony of interstate sounds
drowning out negative thoughts   in
an amphitheater with not a bad seat

on a hill so steep
you can’t set your beer down
but lay it down just so             rise over run

so it can’t fall over but it could roll down
like Milkshake  full of beers
somersaulting away that Saturday in May 

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carrying coal to Newcastle

March 20, 2010

I wasn’t quite sure
when it would be OK
to go psychosomatic all the way
until colorful advertising from the pharmaceutical company
made clear to me the symptoms   the signs   the side effects
then and only then was I able
to develop a full-blown malady
and of course seek medical attention immediately
only     to schedule   an   appointment
two weeks from Tuesday when then
I   could    recount    for   the   MD
exactly what was bothering me
referring            repeatedly
to the ads in Us Weekly

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close your eyes and think of England

March 17, 2010

the greasy residue builds up over time
accumulating a bit more each day
of the week on months into years
until no one can remember
what it used to look like
no time-lapse photography or
public TV pseudo science series
documentary to recount the
progression of its regression  
as each employee keeps current
their food handlers permit
in the long run it’s irrelevant
so give them what they want to hear
in an easily digestible USA Today way
a Horatio Alger story   
working all the way up from poverty
however history likes to turn away from
the real Horatio Alger stories       add to taste
comments from the peanut gallery 

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Sex, Lies and Velox rim tape

March 15, 2010

Today is the day      to
draw the line in the sand   and
all the other detritus that collects in bike lanes
after ground-hogging it out day after day after day
repeating the same  things   over   and   over
and expecting different results   it’s time
it’s time to work a little Rumberg
into the routine
b e c a u s e
it all pays
the same


 it’s like looking to the calendar
for a reason  or an excuse  or permission
to drink beer

as if you need a Hallmark Holiday
to tell you when it’s OK
to sit in a bar

Happy Saint Amateur’s Day

if you seek out green beer once a year
you’re also likely to eat watered down
Mexican food and drink Corona with
 a lime on the fifth day of May

you  not you  you

good luck with the green beer
or whatever you read in the Stranger
and be prepared to pay a cover

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Large Margin of Utility Cycling

March 14, 2010

CETMA cargo bike photo

Mark your calendar for March 27   (327)   get the details here

a wrinkle in time kind of one of a kind to look for at the grocery store in 01420

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moving on

March 13, 2010

neo-retro velcro whack a mole on top of old smoky
in on the ground floor reinventing the wheel since
building a better mousetrap in 1991

esprit de corps is apparently outsourced and
obviously at an all time low so go fuck yourself
this year here this year hear we're here where  

we point fingers to shift the blame pass the buck
too attention to detail my ass hurts on the weekends
from the rest of the days

three-man is a drinking game played with dice
or a messenger company paying hourly
what did you expect

working with just two men and a boy on lunch
the Hawthorne effect the placebo effect or whatever it is
I’ll take two of those for here and to go as well as some

Stockholm syndrome and you better bet the bar tape
matches the saddle and the carpet matches the drapes
the roadmaster is a cylinder too large to be enclosed  

by carbon fiber this spring forward sprung out and over
extended like a poor binder clip choice over and over
really housed by 2:00 but pronounced slightly

different than housed by two real estate developers
really I saw it on YouTube so it must be true tofu   
extra firm fresh spring roll hot and sour soup

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March 13, 2010

Congratulations to C. Forest

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the transition dance through repetition town

March 12, 2010

A couple of 60 degree days in February   March
like little tickling teasers under the chin
before the punchline in the gut  when weather
comes back to where it should be
like Kirk R Dungan said
it’s a nice day for a white winter 
but an indian summer sounds better
meanwhile  the guy with the camera that costs
more than you made in 2009        is
taking pictures of club-foot pigeons
as well as his wife pointing at the same
allover the sidewalk   dance the transition dance
between vehicle and pedestrian
hop the curb accordingly           off or on
what’s the problem officer
with a mouth full of peanut butter
a preemptive strike       said Steve Younger
box 350   Boston MA    02134
send it to Zoom
take the bull by the horns
take it to Two Union by 2:30
then do it again     and      again
another ride on the burn-out cycle
cruising through repetition town
you’ve been down this road before
more than once
no need to read the signs
you can feel it
copy?               copy
the double-edged sword cuts both ways    
but today it’s the wrong way

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a quality of life issue

March 11, 2010

Milkshake photo
one brief shining moment
a checkpoint on the long and winding road
that is the lifespan of a T-shirt

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gray skies are gonna clear up

March 10, 2010

 99 44/100% sure

Blu skies  smiling at me

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what would Scott Mathauser do?

March 9, 2010

 in the absence of anything important
petty little details take on weight    and
masquerade as meaningful

high-speed shimmy downhill squeal
eye watering  gut punching  choad checking
jibber jabber  brake chatter  Scott Mathauser
onto the real dog & pony show
straight from the can cold
over stale dry white rice cakes

robot-pimped all day everyday
pushed to the edge of the uncanny valley
four percentage points from full-on zombie

tweaked just off-center analog AM radio
what would Walla Walla Washington do
look to the alien bovine balloons

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...I won't do what you tell me

March 8, 2010

painted by numbers into a corner
square-pegged into a career   for years

playing along  playing the game
inside the lines    well before deadlines
on time    on schedule   on the clock
by the book   check the calendar

seven years went under the bridge   then seven more  
before Stella got her groove back up front

the son of derivative part two
keeps them coming back

the unmistakable scent   
hotdog water wafting       boiling over
burnt crust grilled cheese
bologna has a first name  
extra ketchup on the side   

from the side of the road
to the top of the toaster oven
it looks so much bigger out of context

what seems to be the problem
as plenty of symptoms show up
multiple zippers pulled up
stacked up on the Adam’s apple
layered up cold   like tangy guacamole
recently expired in a grocery store deli  
dip between the refried beans and sour cream 

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Hobson's Choice

March 6, 2010

Today is the day I made an investment in your future by purchasing a fresh batch of American Apparel T-shirts in an attempt to single-handedly revive the economy. The rest is up to you. So tell two friends to tell two friends and then send money because consumer confidence is thawing out this spring sprouting up through the topsoil like a poppy.

mauve  lapis  grass  poppy  baby-blue  gold  sangria. These are the colors of your new favorite shirts in the morning, when we rise. Switched-up for the return customers that want something different in their dresser and not just another black bike shirt.

You and you and you can always use a new shirt because things wear out and sometimes you get shitwhistled and destroy your favorite shirt by stretching it over the head of Chief Seattle in the name of Matt Case.


checkout the t-shirt page

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kilograms per cubic meter (kg/m│)

March 5, 2010

"too much is never enough, it's always too much"

--Daniel E. Murray

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a time and place for white cable housing

March 4, 2010

a journey of 1000 miles begins with
it’s always the last place you look
that carrot on a string that keeps you going
day-old chicken salad sandwich hold the mayo
hold the chicken between your knees
hold it down    keep it together    or
let it break down into five easy pieces
expectations lowered back to sea level
expectorations return to street level
one loogie at a time

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March 3, 2010

it’s all over but the hangover
second-day socks expired
turned inside out and not quite right like
recycled bread sacks painted labels peeling
flaking off into lunches packed for loved ones
to enjoy six hours from now more or less
twist ties tied getting by
making do over due doo-doo
clear as a three dollar bill
standing by until I need to sit down
Two Union near the artificial waterfall
to the sound of falling water
and the smell of bleach   too
easy to see the lack of efficiency
redundancy    I have to pee
move to Monorail for more coffee
table rusty hose clamp clamped
around a shaky leg   shake a leg
working copies to C-203 ASAP
fork lift and don’t forget to breathe

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disclosure of possible primary witnesses

March 2, 2010

take a second swipe at the first impression


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there must be a pony in here somewhere

February 28, 2010

Where everything is a sunny breezy smooth and easy bike ride away from everything else

Where it’s OK to horse around while riding because there must be a pony in there somewhere

Where working means riding a bike and horsing around means riding a bike

Where a bag full of beer is much lighter and much more important than a bag full of law books

Where it doesn’t matter how you get there or when you get there or if you actually arrive at all

Where there are no copies to conform so relax and don’t worry about calling to confirm

Where the judges do not want 3-ring binders full of courtesy copies

Where drivetrains are silently efficiently effectively frictionless

Where spoke tension is uniform

Where nobody speaks the same language but everybody understands

Where the Sunday NY Times is delivered by cherubic children on bicycles and it doesn’t get stolen off your porch

Where you can wash your hair with dish soap and wash your dishes with hand soap

Where the gravitational pull of predictability is comforting like a magnetic attraction or a landmark used to get your bearings and not just the same old rote route rut routine that becomes overbearing


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27.5 days later

February 27, 2010

The past five days of what some would call a workweek collectively literally a slow leak in more ways than one a hard row to hoe figuratively let me count the ways today I do not want to ride or even touch a bike practically however we do not have a choice on this as we do not own or flex a zip car and specifically the last thing I want to do today is fix a flaccid flat tire after riding it out for 40.33 hours at Dog & Pony Legal Messengers every day fulltime and not just 3 or 4 or when I fucking feel like it and the second to last thing I want to do today on this misty Saturday is ride my bike to Magnuson Park to buy some blown-out chamois skinsuits or some gently-worn brake pads or some shark-finned chainrings or some long-reach dual pivots for my girlfriend’s bike for the day when she’s ready to ditch the 27” wheels and say hello to 700c.  See.  This is my February.

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February 26, 2010

This is my nephew Hunter Pilder sporting a pilderwasser onesie in the Eastern time zone. Who doesn't like kittens and kites and kids in black American Apparel onesies silkscreened in Seattle?

I'm just waiting on the Naj.

A rear derailleur shifting gears on a shifter bike. Skipping and jumping ADHD like a brand-new chain on a worn out cassette. 

After this special presentation we will return you to our regularly scheduled program and join Friday already in progress. Please return to your cubicles with your biodegradable clamshells full of daily specials. If you don’t have a cubicle, go out there a win one for the Gipper 

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February 25, 2010

Don't sweat the small stuff and everything is horseshit

take it easy Sugarbear                    


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Rumberg has a posse

February 25, 2010

toeing the line between participant and observer
pulling out a camera changes everything
going from one of us to one of them

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there once was a man from Racine

February 24, 2010

please press hard you are making 3 copies

had a dream I was a messenger in Seattle
sitting in the lobby of a 55-story office building
25 minutes and not one messenger went by
but it was not a dream

straddling the line between One and Two Union

had a dream I was sleeping
in the passenger seat of a parked car
and still got “pulled-over” by a cop
on parade duty who had nothing better to do

do what you do as if you didn’t have to

had a dream I was sleeping and woke up
in a shower curtain factory     the smell
didn’t bother me but being hassled by
Rick Steves made me speak Chinese

toeing the line between participant and observer

had a dream I was sleeping
the clock was blinking 12:00  12:00  12:00
couldn’t tell if it was getting dark or light
couldn’t tell if she was coming or going
couldn’t tell if she was a he
but I knew it was time to leave

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February 23, 2010

is it half full
or half empty
like 720 Olive
with 50% vacancy

round and round
full circle twice
coming back around
like used bike parts

the Bike Swap is Saturday and

in other news...this just in

Hugh MacLeod cartoon

Tuesday looks a lot like Monday
but it smells a little better

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consumer confidence chitterlings

February 21, 2010

two more than a few screws loose
a blown fuse    a circuit short
wires crossed hither and thither
here and now    beans and toast    trial and error     
and  or a systematic process of elimination  
the jobs get done
eventually but it’s obviously
not about efficiency although
it feels like it should be    in this business
of immediate urgent package delivery
have you seen the Naj?
rationalized and justified ambidextrously
in the margins of utility    blissfully ignorant denial
unhealthy attachment to the ephemeral
individual and disposable with liberty and justice for all
unique to the mass-produced masses
tenderfoot grape juice on ice
to entice the fruit fly    lying in wait
to hibernate     through the winter
to sleep perchance to dream
until conditions are right    

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nobody says thither anymore

February 19, 2010

my very educated mother just showed us
every good boy does fine                      
but what about the nine pizzas?

it’s like diaper rash on your eyelids
it’s like playing cards with Cory’s brother’s kids

did they start out that way
and end up like this?
did they start out this way
then end up like that?

as well as   other timeless questions
regarding the human condition
neither here nor there but somewhere
between restriction and liberation

thither and thither and thither

we’ve isolated the source of the odor
frozen fish sticks thaw in direct sunlight

tah  tah  tee-tee  tah
tee-tee  tee-tee  tah  tah

while authorities await toxicology test results, an unnamed source within the department stated that alcohol could have been a contributing factor. Malcolm Gladwell just as well as any kid off the street could tell you that there were a number of other factors contributing.      Duh

the handrail slathered in lemon Pledge
leaves a little residue      to take with you
a souvenir    so to speak

the handrail was installed for your safety, please keep one hand on your business and the other one free in the event that we encounter unexpected turbulence or a sudden loss in cabin pressure…if your eyes go fuzzy and your knees buckle then you may find yourself in the dark on the floor of the bathroom in your girlfriend’s apartment
and you may ask yourself
how did I get here?  

postnasal drip hits harder on the elevator

join the club   take a number
vitamin D deficiency
get in line    you’ll be fine

ants in my pants and piss poor posture
precipitated by years and years of use and abuse
in and for   by and by   a one-shoulder messenger bag

no regrets  in retrospect                    still
wouldn’t want your job
on a day like this

borrowed  stolen  cited  quoted
recycled  paraphrased  plagiarized       hyperlinked

a brown bag shed from an expired roadmaster
tumbleweeds down the alley and into the street
on the stiff morning breeze that slices through layers
like a wood handled pizza cutter
calling into question wardrobe decisions
made nine minutes ago
with nine more hours to go


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is there a Starbucks around here?

February 18, 2010

you can lead a horse to water

February 17, 2010

Pint Size Me

By Dick Cantwell

Keeping in mind the periodic approval by the Surgeon General of the United States that a daily moderate amount of beer, wine or spirits can lessen the risk of heart attack and other potentially stress-related maladies, I decided to run a personal experiment. Considering as well that even more of the population of Europe would have perished than did during the medieval glory days of the Bubonic Plague had there been no drink of pathogenic moderation (i.e. beer, as opposed to water) to see them through thirsty times (and remembering microcosmic triumphs of personal survival on my own travels to Latin America and Southeast Asia), I decided to limit my experiment to the consumption of beer. For one month I would ingest nothing but beer. Given that I’m a brewer and have many friends who are brewers in a beer-rich region, it would almost certainly be good beer (but it wouldn’t have to be); I would attempt to make nutritional decisions based on mealtime appropriateness related both to style and adjunct; and I would continue my exercise regimen of a mile swim as close to daily as I could manage (and speaking of managing, could I fill my poolside Nalgene with beer and get away with it?).

Naturally, and in the interest of risk reduction and objectivity I would have to set up a monitoring structure. I see my kids and a few trusted bartenders nearly daily; they’re used to seeing me with beer and wouldn’t be likely to judge me, and none of them is particularly shy about expressing their opinions. I would weigh myself daily and give myself a characteristically critical once-over from time to time throughout each day. Was there anyone else I should consider as an objective observer--my mom, or maybe a doctor? I didn’t think so.

The following excerpts from my diary--reasonably well-kept, considering—are taken indeterminately periodically and are selected on the strength of style more than substance. What am I, a scientist? I still need my friends to explain to me how electricity works.

Day 1—I Pop the Top on the Whole Thing
7:00 a.m.--In a celebratory mood, I begin the day (and my experiment) with a Belgian ale of lively effervescence and a sugary and satisfying mouthfeel—the Sugar Pops of beer, with which I have accompanied more than one 7:20 a.m. arrival to Amsterdam. I drop the kids at school and head in to work. I don’t even miss coffee.
10:30 a.m.—While the other guys in the brewery smoke cigarettes and discuss the Sonics, I feel somewhat superior—downright Continental--with a tall pilsner. What a beautiful beverage beer is!
1:00 p.m.—Back from the pool (forgot my Nalgene, and my goggles!), I head down to Big Time, where I am borrowing some malt from Bill, and enjoy a revitalizing porter—so glad I added rye to the recipe back when I worked here, and that they continue to use it. So glad in general.
4:30 p.m.—Following a late specialty malt delivery I find I am slumping a bit—all those 55 lb. sacks up the ladder. I answer with an ESB, well-balanced and hoppy. If I am to continue working this physically, I must resolve to drink heavier beers earlier.
7:00 p.m.—Home on the couch now, trying to make sense of the newspaper. Bed not far off. Had a couple of Loki lagers—sustaining but not heavy—before the maddening irrelevance of food smell drove me away. Jason and Lucas—two of my bartending control group—offer me thumbs up as I climb aboard my cab. I forget my house keys and have to catch another cab back. Thank God for cell phones.

Day 9—I’m Doing Just Fine, Thanks
8:30 a.m.—It’s been wheat beer mornings for me these past few days. I find my sleep has been somewhat thinner (but no less satisfying). I have dropped eight pounds in as many days. My hair looks great.
12:00 noon—Napped on some malt sacks mid-morning and missed the break, so a Valkyrie strong ale to round it all out. Why are all these people eating food? They don’t need it the way they think they do, not as much, not every day. A bit slow at the pool, flip turns a bit challenging. Still, I find myself a bit more loquacious with my lane mates, and the lifeguard.
5:30 p.m.—With the necessary imposition of moderation I end my day’s intake with a dry-hopped IPA (there are sure to be vitamins in all that green). Was it my imagination or was that cute bartender being extra-attentive earlier when I was tasting through the beers? Certain that her hand touched mine more than necessary.
9:00 p.m.—Had one last beer to truly send me off—oatmeal stout. Who can blame me?

Day 22—Bottoms Up!
9:00 a.m.—Following a couple of resolutions involving strong beer early (a sort of de-crescendo idea resulting in theoretical late-day clarity and serenity), and no driving, I start my day with a five-year-old Rochefort 10 while I wait for my ride. Or is it a 10-year-old Rochefort 5? I crack myself up.
10:30 a.m.—A Westmalle Tripel to keep me moving and bright. Still, everyone else seems to be buzzing past me at high speed, like that old Star Trek episode the name of which I might be able to remember if I hadn’t had any beer to drink.
12:00 noon—A theme is developing here, so I go ahead and have a Chimay red—the Trappist beer of moderation, bready and sustaining.
4:00 p.m.—Orval is so gorgeous in the afternoon, with a bit of rare Seattle sunlight shining through, not unlike that café down the road from the brewery. I find these things easier to imagine and recreate these days.
5:00 p.m.—The bartenders are talking among themselves, but I decide not to take it personally. They serve me a Westvleteren , at any rate.
7:00 p.m.—Well, what’s left? The Aachel holiday ale—pretty good for an upstart trappist, but I’ll remember its name once it’s been around for a couple of decades. Where will I be then? This thought sobers me, figuratively.

Day 30—What’s So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding?
8:00 a.m.—Got my girlfriend to drop the kids off and take me back to the shoe repair to punch another hole in my belt. I am the Incredible Shrinking Man! She is the bartender of some entries previous! Everything to me seems an exclamation these days! She makes sure I take lemon in my morning wheat beer—Bavarian-style anti-scurvy remedy.
12:00 noon—A no-nonsense industrial lager while I ponder it all. Not sure what I come up with, but I am on the verge of accomplishing what many may have done before but no one has bothered to write down in non-fiction form. Much literature, of course, has been born thus.
5:00 p.m.—Napping has been my salvation. What better way to pass the time as I come down to it? I sip idly at whatever.
9:00 p.m.—I drift, I wander, I ponder. I feel beatific, shamanic. Sentences seem too complete; snatches of overheard barroom conversation more apt to my consciousness. Does my staff fear me?

There’s little doubt that the experiment has been a success. I have experienced spans of lucidity and lost close to fifteen pounds. The kids and the bartenders at times seemed wary, but I tried always to maintain my perspective and not presume on anyone’s indulgence. Still, this is not something one not as seasoned as myself should probably attempt. Thank God for the astonishing range of styles we have available in this area and in this country—in the world for that matter. This experiment would not have been so interesting thirty years ago. It boggles the mind how beneficial adding a little food to the quotient might be. Are the policymakers listening?

Read more of Cantwell’s articles here
Drink more of Cantwell’s beers there

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split the difference

February 16, 2010

how much iceberg lettuce does it take
to counteract one pound of bacon?
just add tomatoes and toast

how many Attaboys does it take
to makeup for one Ah Shit?
call WLM and ask for a conversion chart

nursing assistants and Don Johnson
share wardrobe decisions
in hospitals and assisted living facilities
in Miami Vice reruns and retirement communities
why else would anyone wear white pants

dogs don’t know the brand name on their tennis balls
and does it really matter what a Nittany Lion is

out of sight sort of out of mind
back beyond the bleach bucket
outside where the 10-tin brims with butts
stewed in brown rainwater runoff
where broken chairs retire and mops go to die
where lost souls stray looking for the men’s room
where no truer truths are told
the reality is
it’s all there                it’s just not for you to see

conspiracy   cover-up   muff job
ranch dressing in a dixie cup
soap dispensers empty since August
appearances only appear to be
superfluous brushstrokes
up & down play on the X axis
side-to-side slop along the Y    
split the difference

false alarm lucky charm that’s my weak arm
nondescript white Econoline
cheapass screw-top red wine     faded
fermented misdirected re-elected

wiener dog mustard retractable leash
668     the neighbor of the beast
that address is across the street

courier interruptus
all dressed up and nowhere to go
standby for now

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Jack Sikma would do Hella

February 16, 2010

Looking back the morning after it seems I was out late. But it only felt that way because I got a solid 8 hours of drinking in before 8pm. I didn’t race but I did ride to the bar to sit and look out the window and note that Melrose Avenue runs into some poor routing and all roads lead to Cool Guy Park.  After notarizing manifests for 2.5 hours between pints of IPA  I was able to let gravity roll my bike down to Mobius for the ceremonious festivities after the race. There are now a few Dank Bags Jack Sikma Hella T-shirts rolling around town, sure to be conversation starters when spotted at the mall in Bellevue or at QFC on Mercer Island. I can’t give you race details or play by play or points scored or stuff like that. But I know Steve Young was involved in the results as well as some really bad porn and plenty of xtreme cheese flavored corn dogs… dip’em munch’em everybody loves’em.

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February 15, 2010

                                             morrispost photo



morrispost photo

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how it stacked up

February 14, 2010

Aaron Huebner photo

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time to eat fat

February 13, 2010


by Margaret Atwood

Winter. Time to eat fat
and watch hockey. In the pewter mornings, the cat,
a black fur sausage with yellow
Houdini eyes, jumps up on the bed and tries
to get onto my head. It’s his
way of telling whether or not I’m dead.
If I’m not, he wants to be scratched; if I am
He’ll think of something. He settles
on my chest, breathing his breath
of burped-up meat and musty sofas,
purring like a washboard. Some other tomcat,
not yet a capon, has been spraying our front door,
declaring war. It’s all about sex and territory,
which are what will finish us off
in the long run. Some cat owners around here
should snip a few testicles. If we wise
hominids were sensible, we’d do that too,
or eat our young, like sharks.
But it’s love that does us in. Over and over
again, He shoots, he scores! and famine
crouches in the bedsheets, ambushing the pulsing
eiderdown, and the windchill factor hits
thirty below, and pollution pours
out of our chimneys to keep us warm.
February, month of despair,
with a skewered heart in the centre.
I think dire thoughts, and lust for French fries
with a splash of vinegar.
Cat, enough of your greedy whining
and your small pink bumhole.
Off my face! You’re the life principle,
more or less, so get going
on a little optimism around here.
Get rid of death. Celebrate increase. Make it be spring.

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it's worse when you lie about it

February 12, 2010

▒ .01mm

February 12, 2010

Pike beats Pine
the bars are better
the hill is easier to climb
empty calories add up to nothing
to get me up that hill after work
to race chuffers across Boren
calling on adrenaline
an amalgamation
years and years of elevator conversation
Do me a favor…       Listen here my friend…
and other precursors to horseshit
stupid sounds stupid       
the Oklahoma way not in an OK way
machined to tolerances ± .01mm
nothing you couldn’t fix with vice grips  or
a swift kick in the ass
stovetop stuffing    I’m staying
no reason to go      halfass
Shaq from the line   50% of the time
taking ownership and responsibility
using a large law firm as a transfer lobby
between a small firm and a midmedium
stainless steel wicks the heat away
economically     a self-inflicted haircut
the night before picture day
immortalized in the yearbook
remember    see     look
1977  F150    and plenty of rope
rounding up rogue shopping carts
to return them to their proper pasture
playing the percentages
Pike beats Pine

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stack height

February 11, 2010

4740 Airport Way South - northbound

February 10, 2010

I’ll find you near the intersection where expectations meet reality, but we’ll both need to wait in line for a while. Together. Separately. For complete instructions and rules of entry send SASE to PO Box 123.

Do you feel that? That’s not a subwoofer. That is 442 cubic inches of displacement. Muscle. Original flavor long-cut between the cheek n gum. Liquid smoke in the eye a poke. As if meeting in the loading dock makes  sense. By design.

If and only if. If then. If only. Migratory six-pack rings wrapped around your finger. An environmental impact statement stated in terms like simplicity, utility and out-of-pocket. Out on a limb like the kitten in the poster on the ceiling at the dentist. You’re huffing so much gas, the kitten begins to speak Spanish and you understand completely.

Paperback reading walker. Walker reading paperback. I’m watching where you’re going, so you don’t have to. Warm shampoo. Cold Turkey. Fingerprints on the glass, compounded daily. Toothpaste splatter pattern on the mirror in normal distribution with standard deviation and occasional outliers. Fat-free vegan organic truck stop. Barstool etiquette. Free refills.

Cauliflower party platter. Roundhouse. Circle to the left counterclockwise here as well as in the southern hemisphere. Losing steam. Solar powered artificial color. 67% majority. Authority. Ponytail pulled back so tight your eyes go funny. Purple mountain majesty. I’m invisible for my own safety. Please ignore me. I dress like this as not to be confused with an attorney. Conversation may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

They had me going. The entire package, the experience, the atmosphere, the ambiance, the greeting, the presentation, the valet, the hostess, the sommelier, the support staff, the music. They had me going there…but the smell.  The butt smell.  Who smells like doodie?  

Textured vegetable protein American cheese product. Dust-free laboratory. Fingerless glove snot rocket. Tyvek jacket crinkling from Seattle to Portland in one day. That which we call a rose is a Mercury Bobcat is a Ford Pinto is a rose is a rose is a rose.

Terracotta façade undulating in the low angle winter sunlight. Getting all oboe. Oboe all up in your face. Peter and the wolf. Jack and the beanstalk.  Hootie and the blowfish. Puke on the pillowcase spring break. Direct pressure eye contact. Plug n play   they   we all look the same. Are you my Bucky?

She rides around in the drops all day making us all look bad. We’re not in Marymoor anymore. We made the waiting list for the best preschool in Madrona. We got cold feet. Cold fingers. All ears. Captain Right Back Atcha coming out of retirement because he mixes it with love and makes the hurtin feel good.

So firm you could set your beer on them.

She’s a brick house elaborating on an elaborate set of rules. Getting upset when no one else plays along because no one else knows or cares about the rules or the game or the fact that she is still keeping score on that scoreboard that no one else can see. Accurate and precise yet cold and indifferent. Overcooked and cranked up to Asperger’s level. Horizontal stripes stack up like binders full of courtesy copies to C-203.

Quilted patchwork piecemeal. 650 front wheel. Campagnolo cranks BMX anodized fade to pink. Red turtleneck sweater February candy office party glazed high fructose corn syrup distraction delivered floral arrangement calling in sickly sweet.

Individually wrapped. Intermittently rapt. Instinctively instinctual. Little fuzzy gerbil.  Lavish Broadway musical.

and then what happened?  


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black & white and read all over

February 9, 2010


February 15  celebrate 10 years of HELLA
the CornDog 39 race and festivities
will take place    in full color

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the prius effect redux

February 7, 2010


February 6, 2010

the cash machine spits out 20s
I reach for them as if they’re mine
but they elude me                

because they cannot be possessed
only redirected
into the local economy

17 pints of IPA
what a normal man would do      at full retail
consumer price index this            that

the giddy new owner of
an atrophy trophy
displayed proudly       atop the TV

Shiba Inu   hula hoop   cherry blossom
onion dome   slumlord   storm drain
free-range notary   chimney sweep    Frisbee

13th Avenue Saturday smells
a bit different than the other six days
placebo effect

spoon   knife   forklift operator
six-pack lunch  tall boy  roadmaster      
prescription lens sunglass  shadow monster

asshole visible     up in the air
on the table      cat show cat
what were you thinking           imagine that    

socially acceptable  sense of entitlement
as learned in school             the way it is
it just is                   it’s what you do

what does a duck say?
what does a cow do?
what does a green light go?

disposable gloves disposed of
on the spot      on the sidewalk
for me or someone   someone else to take care of

clueless conscientious tooth flosser        and your
toothpick single-serving fucking floss things
discarded in the 4th Ave revolving door at King

dumping an old dryer in the cul-de-sac
an exercise bike left at the trailhead
shooting up refrigerators in the gravel pit

twin toaster architecture       zip tie justice
it’s worse when you lie about it              like
Stupor Bowl stories of the one that got away

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postmodern neo retro black and white photo

February 6, 2010

two dimensional medium

February 5, 2010

portrait of the artist as a decaf mocha
bubble tea symphony        tapioca
the sound of one loofah hand clapping  

opposable thumbs up
that’s what I said    articulated   straw
been bent              I’m across the street

look over there where that looks like this
if a tree falls in the woods and no one
is there to care           who cares   

a bag full of golf clubs
a garage full of bicycles
a closet full of sweater vests

so many to choose from
go with the favorite
the one liked best

on a Friday in February
the 5-iron of sweater vests
the full fendered rain bike

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peek-a-boo view

February 4, 2010

A stereotypical caricature of an exaggeration. Fat, bald and 57 driving a red convertible. Top down. Heater cranked. Adult contemporary blaring. Comb-over fluttering in the wind.  Waiting at the light. Fresh silver hoop in the left ear. Bluetooth in the right.    

take the training wheels off
pull the trigger

A real cliché packing contest. How many can this guy put in one conversation?  Is this a joke? Is this a FedEx commercial? Is this Dexter Avenue? Is this really happening?

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overflowing with gourmet chocolate-dipped apple wedges, pineapple daisies, strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe and honeydew.

February 3, 2010

patterns emerge from the randomness
as edible fruit arrangements
and counterfeit lottery tickets are
hand-delivered via messenger
to the last known mailing address
of each and every person on earth

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Lazy Susan

February 2, 2010

gas-powered lazy susan
spinning    spinning   out of control
fast         far past its intended use
condiments cannot be contained
at these speeds
salt n pepper electrons
launched well beyond
typical breakfast nook orbits

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February 1, 2010

Duchamp knew the score
mood descending staircase
elevator out of service
take the caffeine up to level two
like déjà vu   but    less interesting
more like 1111 3rd Avenue
blah blah blasé      beige
showing the universal sign for boring
traffic patterns trod into carpet
bobsled track feedback loop groundhog day
well worn habit trails      grease the rails
a dab of olive oil on a Q-tip should do the trick
change your panties   take it down  
change octaves   break it up      break out
breakfast steel cut oats strawberries and cream
100% wool   made in Italy   dry clean only
I liked it so much     I bought the company
front foot fakey like Fever’s lock used to be
funky like your grandpa’s drawers
those zebra-print pants make you look trashy
that hound’s-tooth coat makes you look stodgy
every photo brings to mind another on file
getting all Getty        stock images
cookie cutter    cut n paste
seen one      seen them all  
all 3.6 billion units sold in North America
we haven’t raised the price in 12 years
the portions just got smaller          and smaller
when every sentence seems to be
a variation on another    written long ago
recycled recombinant reworked
referential      homage
nothing new under the sun
on a cloudy day
creativity could be access to a healthy library
that’s what she said             or not
if you haven’t shifted gears
for six months   or more
consider the concept single-speededly

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bear market

January 30, 2010

In this economic environment it’s a matter of what the market will bear or bare. As in shake down cook down distill slow cook boil over then simmer down. Like that sticky residue on the rice cooker. Continued cutbacks and empty storefronts.  Seattle is bit behind the curve or on some other curve altogether. A warped curve that looks different around the 48th parallel and west of Cascades. Whatever that means…take the messenger industry for example. More specifically take a little look at the Seattle messenger industry as a mini microcosm of microeconomic indicators from which to extrapolate some bullshit predictions about the entire world economy. It’ll make as much sense as anything you’ve been hearing from the experts in DC on CNN or NPR. I got your consumer confidence right here.

In the salad days heyday Seattle was rolling over 206 messengers strong. When a bike could still beat a fax machine and travel agents printed paper plane tickets on dot-matrix printers. When dot-com venture capital was littering the streets sidewalks and elevator banks. When investors thought Kozmo.com had a viable business plan. When vacancy rates were under 5%.  

Today, we’re down to about 35 bike messengers in the Emerald City. The behemoth ABC is relatively small, with only 11 riders. Jimmy Johns has  surpassed them as the biggest company in town (I didn‘t  add their riders to the grand total). Fleetfoot is vaporizing. Stealth is hourly. And at Attention-to-Detail Legal, I now have only 1.5 coworkers on the street.

Bike messenger companies won’t go away completely but they’ll look different. Just like stock brokers and bankers look a little different in 2010. Developers investors construction companies architects engineers and lawyers… look different. Messengers start their own messenger companies and turn into owners who then lose their street cred get fat and go out of business. Corrections in the market by the market. Outliers reeled back in or just left out to dry up.  Bullshit bubbles popped and pooped. Gravy trains derailed. Gravy dogs go to law school get married have kids graduate school medical school nursing school law firm mailrooms film school rock star organic farm Microsoft construction FedEx PDX bookstore coffee shop river guide ski patrol dishwasher writer. Moving on growing up dropping out selling out.

Where do I signup to sellout?

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good enough for government work

January 29, 2010

myna bird 98101

January 28, 2010

Busses : pigeons
picking up scraps they congregate on 3rd Avenue

Taxis : seagulls
unpredictable and hungry

Messengers : crows
intelligent crafty and willing to play dirty

Armored cars : road kill
big & dumb   anywhere anytime

Peds : lemmings
stupid is    stupid does

Cops : raccoons with rabies
they bite

Tourists : barnacles
proliferate in favorable conditions
will become a problem left unattended

Receptionists : lawn ornaments
often attractive, however it may be difficult
to determine their actual purpose  

Attorneys : rats
will survive a nuclear war
adapt  feed  profit

Dispatchers : myna birds
they know not what they say
they only repeat what they heard

Security guards : zoo animals
caged confined confused

Court clerks : circus animals
well trained
you know the routine so just play along

Fixie hipster kids : peacocks
all show no substance
can actually be annoying and dangerous
Commuters : zebra mussels
non-native invasive species
clogging up the works

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song bird on 3rd

January 27, 2010

Free-form right on red passing iPod ped in the crosswalk

She can’t hear me
She can only hear  her sweet sweet Kenny G
She’s startled and of course    she blames me

She can’t see shit
Umbrella propped up
Hooded jacket cinched down

Don’t worry lady    I saw you all the way
Relax         keep slurping your latte

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January 26, 2010

Brad S. Pilder
May 7, 1996  -  January 25, 2010

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January 25, 2010

verklempt    choked up    anaphylactic shock
stigmata piñata     can’t beat it with a stick

waiting for a bus that may or may not arrive
it could be a rush         it could be a next-day

it all pays the same
get what you paid for    it's what you get paid for

radius diameter circumference
it comes around               you know how it is

right            something left
residual residue     a waxy yellow buildup

don’t standup to dance in a canoe    and
on the eve of RAGBRAI don’t buy new shoes

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calendar dates to commemorate

January 24, 2010

January 28, 2010
Cheap Wine & Poetry   aka  Cheap Beer & Prose
7:00pm at the Richard Hugo House



February 13, 2010
Not quite Valentine’s Day
Check it out and help out Counterbalance Racing


Februaryish, 2010
Those guys down at DANK bags
are working on something cool

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that's how I roll

January 23, 2010

it seemed like a good idea at the time
we knew it going in
the exit strategy   built in
that’s how I roll    touch n go
she watched channel zero
side effects effectively affected my affect
getting scolded by the librarian   again
butter sour cream cheddar cheese bacon
jumbo baked potato somewhere under there
Barcelona chairs  high ceiling  natural light
standing by  sitting down
inertia weighed-in with its 2 cents
what   who   where   why    when
the idea of messenger
the image   the concept   the theory  
the lifestyle  the bike  the bag  the wardrobe
however     like 25 always said
“they can never get the smell right”
plowed right back into the local economy
in and out of context sequence syntax
the stinger embedded   the venom sac intact
do not pinch   remove with a scraping motion
accepting debit or credit cards from any major bank  
they don’t make ‘em like they used to
acid-free archival quality ask Noam Chomsky
intended audience  target  focus
surgical precision     blanket bombing
napalm shower massage adjustable head
burning curling iron aroma
topped off with some serious hairspray
diabetic diuretic dietetic dialectic    Dianetics
John Travolta  what have you done for me lately
catchy little bouncy acronyms disguise 
government contracts guaranteed through 2012
in conclusion    finally    in summary     
Ye Olde Curiosity  killed the cat

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quintessential pickle

January 22, 2010

I know a shortcut   follow me

jump around     jump     around

hanging around   sticking      lingering
like the Sanford & Son theme song

my Phrenologist told me to drink red wine
a glass or two is good   she says

so a 5-liter box must be better


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get well soon Dean

January 22, 2010

on the sunny side of the street

January 20, 2010

On the back side    the odd side
The other side   the east side
I’ll meet you there   where  there’re
Thicker thins and deeper shallows
Faster slows and higher lows
On the sunny side of the street

If you’re seeking a cohesive narrative
A logical linear progression
With a smooth story line that unfolds in
Complete sentences and paragraph structure
You’ve come to the wrong place
What you want to do is walk up to
13th & Pine and wait for a bus
Tell the driver you need to   
Get down in Fraggle Rock
You can connect the dots
Spackle the holes
Fill in the gaps
With dumptruck loads of inference
Twigs and scraps of yarn-infused guesswork

Force-fit into the framework of reference
You’ve constructed over time in your mind
With or without conscious effort
It’s there and it’s not going anywhere

What? Excuse me? What was that?
Take it to the Hearing Examiner
Present it to the Board of Equalization
Or just keep it out of my face

Beaver dams  peanut butter & log jams
Mud slides and roller coaster rides

Tip your Jimmy John accordingly
Although he makes more money than me
He’s got your whole lunch    in his hands

Brand new tennis balls skewered
On the legs of your walker
Scuffing down the sidewalk
Not so smoothly   friction   resistance
We’re not in linoleum anymore

I’d buy that for a dollar
$1.10 with tax

Tax Man Trims
Tuesday through Saturday 11-7
Walk-ins welcome
But don’t worry
He’ll catch up to you eventually
20% lopped straight off the top
Additional penalties on the side   high & tight

The Karma carousel comes around
He who spit gum on sidewalk
Get gum on shoe

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do you speak the lingo?

January 20, 2010

as you read this
it’s safe  to assume
that  you fit quite nicely
into the same demographic
that I    ride around in   all day

 how far does your road go?

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commencement continuum

January 19, 2010

In the beginning, intimidated by
the pressure of unused potential
the sight of so much ripe white space untainted
the calendar    the schedule
the clockwork of productive production
the time is now        now is the time

In the end, intimidated by
the pressure to live up to expectations
the need to meet or beat what came before
you’re next in line in a succession
of successes that successfully succeeded
you’re only as good as your last kick

In the middle, oblivious somewhere    happy medium
chugging along   plugging away   shrugging     at play
unburdened by   back then it was better
undistorted by nostalgia
un intimidated by   by then it should improve  
free from futuristic prediction

I had to walk five miles to school uphill in the snow
it’s so twenty thirty years ago
there they go    with the   kids these days
did you ever sit at the big kid table
propped up on two phonebooks
have you ever seen a phonebook?

take a moment to contemplate not so long ago
cordless phones the size of Montana
taken out to the mailbox    the neighbors porch
the backyard feet soaking in the kiddy pool
beep warning beep    return to docking station
your batteries are low

the look and feel of hand-tooled leather
the due date rubber stamped library book
back before barcodes
the smell of a musty thesaurus
the binding crackle of a 19-pound dictionary
you won’t find that on the google

free wireless with any purchase
four-top at the coffee shop
four people     four laptops
no conversation     no interaction
people having a common experience
sitting near each other       separately

take a look at that…are you kidding me

the end      is only the beginning

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he said - she said

January 18, 2010

hazy   foggy   cloudy
revisionist history
faded memory
missed connection
remember that one time

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...with some help from Johnnie Walker red

January 17, 2010

Navel gazing. On and on. Off and on. Ramble on. And so on. Moving on through the day with some help, from Johnnie Walker Red. Subscribed and sworn to me this 17th day of January. Spicy, oaky, peaty, salty. Sippy from a sippy cup. She knows that I know that her name isn’t really Smokey. Refrain from smoking within 25 feet of the entrance. Use the bike rack. Meet the new black. It’s the same as the old black. Smell the glove twelve years later. Nineteen years ago. Down by one. Eight seconds left. Wide right. Game over. Loser goes home. I’m going to Disney Land.

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water beaded necklace

January 15, 2010

it’s not about being left-handed
it’s about being right or wrong
enlarged to show texture
upper respiratory traffic congestion
can’t you smell that smell
butyric acid and the fine line
between puke and parmesan cheese
between rancid butter and body odor 
water beaded necklace   strung out
umbrella cropped view of the city
you can’t see where you’re going
you should stay in your hotel
you wouldn’t want your hair to get wet
roached four days a week
can’t get past the spam filter
lard laid on thick  slathered to a lather
Fiesta   Fiesta   
pinto black refried    mild medium hot
it’s all the same  only the names change
watered down middle America blasé bland
food court mall milquetoast airport corporate fare
not to scare them away with authentic
Reagan years Miami Vice pink shag toilet seat cover
high heels hanging from the telephone pole
minor details du jour
take the express lane
take the inflatable doll from the trunk
take the passenger ferry       take five
take two of these
take a number    mark your calendar
another day closer to retirement
involuntary response            drool
permissive submission   submissive permission
the shipping container is better than the shipment
shake   shake   shake
cracker jack prize glows in the dark
macaroni grows in the blue boxes with
bright orange cheese powder envelopes
twos too much        eight is enough
elevator up       stairs down
restrooms are for customers only
please please     please use the revolving door

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blurring the line between odd and even

January 14, 2010

attention to detail

January 13, 2010

Lane Kagay photo

two new synapses connect
opening a window of awareness
unlocking the mystery
something seen everyday for years
but never really seen       until now
what now       now what
what’s what
stay on the scene
gross    net    profit    loss
tax deductible
like 801 2nd for Christ’s sake
really   “have a good day” for Jesus
the backup plan was put in place
before the toilet paper roll ran out     shit
forklift in      forklift out
loading and unloading loads of it
Westlake Center cheapskate cheese
nickel and dime next day economy
you’re upfront with your saccharine smile
in your artificial sugar and fake spice world
everything is nice          nice             that’s nice
do you want the messenger to be nice        or
do you want the messenger to do it right
years ago you learned to shift the blame  
pointing fingers when you fucked up
years later I’m still here   mopping up   
equilateral   isosceles   scalene
get to the point                   denial
running away from commitment
it’s a big commitment
avoidance mechanism repairman
he makes house calls
everywhere     all the time

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January 13, 2010

Those guys down at DANK bags are online.
Please make a note of it.
Tell two friends.
Link to it.
Tweet it.
Blog about it.
Facebook it up.  
Get in the drops.
Go there  and  buy things.

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peanut butter Hobart overspray asparagus

January 13, 2010

all you can eat buffet
you just have to pay
by the pound   buy the pound

coming back around
Jets vs Chargers
again  again

looking forward     looking back
you’re gonna like the way you look
I guarantee it

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bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun

January 12, 2010

Talking and talking hands-free holding her umbrella and her macchiato just so popping the power assist door button with her elbow as if she’s done all this before and she’ll do it all again.

The Court of Appeals overturned the lower court’s decision as a spatula flips a grilled cheese sandwich at just the right moment golden browning both sides properly evenly the tomato soup is already in the bowl.

Combining recombinant combinations.
Strung together in a 5-day forecast.  

You do delivery?     No, only pickup.
Take it where it goes.

I sing the toothbrush electric.
Kurt Warner went to the University of Northern Iowa.

Prelude to a preview to a prolog to a peek.
The sun will come out tomorrow,    or not.

Insole to a dream.
My shoes by any other name would smell as sweet.

Visualizing popcorn covered in asiago.
Does nothing to curb the gag reflex.

Brooklyn is a chewing gum.
You got a problem with that?

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happy happy joy joy

January 12, 2010

Conversation inevitably turns to the weather. How do you answer elevator questions about the rain and maintain your composure when the water is literally dripping off your nose? I still wouldn’t want your job on a day like this. How do you talk about the rain after the fact without whining and complaining??? How do you hangout in wet socks for nine hours and talk about happy happy joy joy wonderful things? Maybe you don’t.

Supersaturation is a chemistry term describing the unusual circumstances that occur to allow an extra high amount of a dissolved material to be in solution. However  I speak of the supersaturation that occurs when you’re out on a bike and you cannot possibly get any more wet. Wet wetter wettest. Soaked. Supersaturated. When this state is achieved you start to laugh maniacally and repeat nonsense phrases out loud. Extra profanity is added to everything. There is, however,  a Zen-like state of relaxation that comes with the realization that you can’t absorb anymore water. Calculating the number of hours left in the work day doesn’t help. Time slows down. Slows to a crawl, raindrops seem to float in the air as if they are waiting for you, waiting for you to ride closer so they can each take their turn to hit you in the eye. So they can each take their turn to land on you and not on the street.  

Fingers and toes wrinkled up and pruned, not dried plum, but pruned up like too much time in the bathtub. Two trench foot tacos to go. Walking on. Walking around in bread sacks full of grey water rubber banded to your ankles. Try it some day, just for nine hours. Conditions cannot be duplicated only simulated. Off camber slicker handi ramp squirrelly squishy bubbly sock juice. Smells of wet wool retro grouch gloves. Outfitted in the finest Capitol Hill thrift store gear sprinkled with REI. Dickies dry quick if the rain lets up. Swamp ass impressions left on fine office furniture everywhere. Chamois damp wetness revisited.  

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[proposed] order

January 11, 2010

How many Dorsey Whitneys does it take to call in a pickup?

How many ABCs does it take to pick up a C-203?

How many proposed orders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many monthly fees charged to little customers like me does it take to pay the annual bonus for one Bank of America executive?

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January 10, 2010

it's OK to talk about the playoffs now

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you are here

January 9, 2010

The writing is on the wall.
Sometimes it’s on the sidewalk.
Take a moment to locate the exit nearest you.
Keep in mind it may be behind you.
Maybe you passed it or maybe it’s coming up.
On your left through the tunnel around the corner over the hill.
Interpolate Extrapolate Regurgitate.

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three buttons unbuttoned

January 8, 2010

a beeline is not that straight and
as-the-crow-flies is a bit idealistic
been bobbing allover the board     
hummingbird style      for a while
taking  tempting  testing  tasting
a sample  a sip  a smidge  a sprinkle
just a dash   a dollop   a doohickey

it’s not about efficiency

1040 EZ
drunken disorderly
Sebastian Janikowski

Dexter Avenue twinkie factory burnt sugar breeze
run it by the Bellevue Office, she said
meet me at the library
say it again      like you mean it

one more time with feeling

three buttons unbuttoned
slather your chest with Rogaine
so you can wear more gold chains

What would Monorail Kevin do?

this vampire can see himself in the mirror
except the motion sensors on paper towel dispensers
don’t recognize him       so
he dries his hands on his pants

keep in mind the manual override option

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January 6, 2010

Here's to Adam Smith.

I wish him luck in New Zealand

and I'll see you at his party on Friday

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X if and only if Y

January 6, 2010

no pointillism here
stick to the big picture

tell the driver to meet you at 1215 4th Avenue

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nose peel redux

January 5, 2010

side of ranch

January 4, 2010

I am a six-speed freewheel forced onto a freehub body with a cheater bar chain whip by a bloody knuckle vice grip bike mechanic.

You are a one inch threadless Chris King headset mushroomed into an ovalized Motobecane head tube by a self-taught bigger is better brute force bike mechanic.

We wish we were simple elegant solutions to mechanical problems.

Instead we’re faced with gobs of JB Weld protruding from a hose-clamped duct-taped tube interface.

Rounded out like a square taper.

When you know the notes to sing, you can sing most anything.

Love is fixing the flat on your girlfriend’s bike.

Lust is buying your girlfriend an NJS saddle that matches her wheels but she doesn’t want it because it hurts like hell and in the end you’re the one getting all buttsore.

Pomegranate juice makes my eyeballs hurt.

Tiger focus.

The gargoyle on the mantel is speaking in tongues citing specific landlord-tenant laws, watching me, pretending not to be. 

The deer in the garden are munching on fresh bunches of coincidences.

Three out of four attorneys do not wash their hands after using the restrooms in the courthouse.

Midmorning sunlight reflects off the dumpster recently repainted occupational orange and brimming with deceivingly heavy bags of human hair swept up each day from the floors of the Institute of Cosmetology.

Skipping kidney stones on the North Fork of  the Urethra River.

Blotchy skin smattered with red splotches flattered by fluorescent lighting in a drop ceiling, acoustic flame-retardant tiles aligned accordingly, boring.

Six-month performance review stewing 24 months late and counting intestinal turbulence disturbance.

Smiles everyone, smiles.

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January 2, 2010

Excerpt from Motion to Strike Testimony of Chad Johnson:

…in minute 38 of the deposition (see line 221 in the verbatim transcript attached as exhibit B) Charles Schlockstein (attorney for the plaintiff) asks Chad Johnson, CFO of Chad Johnson Concepts, to explain the 2003 stock offering.

Johnson’s response, beginning on line 224, is completely inaudible because of the loud background noises that cover it up.

What is clearly audible on the recording of the deposition is the double chirping incoming call of a Nextel direct connect phone at a high volume and the single chirp outgoing response of same said phone shortly thereafter,  followed by the profanity laced tirade unleashed by the person in possession of the phone, a bike messenger who was passing by the Whispering Winds conference room at the time of the Johnson deposition. The interruption lasted nearly one quarter of one minute.

Candy Cooper, legal assistant to Schlockstein, was later able to speak with  building security and check the sign-in log for contractors and delivery personnel and narrow it down to a messenger delivering to floor 42 on that day and time. The messenger upon signing-in identified himself as Merckx, Ed.  Stating he worked for a company called “Your Mom”.   Delivery personnel are required to produce valid photo ID at the time of sign-in which theoretically would make it easier to resolve issues like this one. However,  after repeated phone calls to every delivery company listed in Western Washington as well as Portland, Oregon and Vancouver Canada,  Cooper has not been able to locate Merckx. In addition, extensive internet searches for companies dba Your Mom has yielded no results. The possibility that Merckx is an independent contractor does exist,  therefore Cooper spent four days researching UBI numbers with the State Department of Revenue and the City of Seattle’s B&O office, attempting to cross reference Your Mom with Ed Merckx. She was unsuccessful. Remote searches in Oregon are difficult and access to Canadian business records is not granted to US parties over the phone…

This is a pile of legal horseshit over a simple everyday occurrence. All they had to do was ask Mr. Johnson to repeat his answer after the messenger walked by. The messenger was just doing his job. Perhaps he was a little pissed off, soaking wet, hungry, tired and stressed-out and I bet he had to waste 7 minutes with a slow security guard signing-in in the loading dock.  Of course a few shits and fucks are going to slip out of his mouth in the heat of battle. We’re not in Kansas anymore. Perhaps later on they'll mention that Merckx smelled like cigar smoke, wet socks and beer. 

Even if they found this Ed Merckx, what would they do? Say to him in a stern voice, “Don’t do that again”

Schlockstein is losing his case and Johnson’s testimony clearly favors the defense so he is grasping for anything to stall and look for another chance and of course along the way, rack-up amazing amounts of bullshit billable hours.

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red beers in morning

January 1, 2010

One-One-One Zero. Queen Anne High School condominium conversion sunrise on a new decade.  Toe overlap. Front fender lower leg splatter pattern proprietary mixture of anodized aluminum, brake pad, road grime and rain. Bill Cosby sweater redacted. All you can eat butterball buffet reenacted. All in one. Basket. Fish head soup served with sourdough roll, to go, twice as far with a chocolate bar. Double short Americano. The word got out. Cat got your tongue. What are you eating under there? With a ten foot pole. If it aint broke don’t break it. The observation of national holidays unobserved. The next day spent recouping. Chairs inverted on tables. All the better to mop you with. Lemon scented glass cleaner. Stream or Spray. Ammonia. Don’t make eye contact. Bainbridge Island golf club function on the 8th fairway. What the client wanted was a country mile away from what they asked for. That’s no problem, we’ll be there right away. Do it right the third time. If A then B… coincidence proximity false causality superstition learned helplessness hypochondriac.  Placebos should do the trick for a psychosomatic. Red Beers in morning, hangover warning.  Red Beers at night, not so much.

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