what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

pilderwasser unlimited T-shirts  pilder what? kickstand P know knew spew snap shots autoBIKEography RAGBRAI  slide shows phot-o-rama stationary-a-gogo 1/2 x 3/32 links

lions and tigers and pigs...oh my

December 31, 2008

let's party like it's two thousand and nine

one chirp is all it takes

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call it in the air

December 30, 2008

Red Kev photo

Attorney: when I ask you a question, just answer the question

Client: no shit, I’m paying you $400 an hour you fat fuck

Christmas tree tied atop a Volvo wagon
12/23/08 = seasonal, spiritual, sentimental

Christmas tree tied atop a Volvo wagon
12/30/08 = trash

We have an understanding
An unspoken agreement
We don’t speak to each other

Call it like you see it
Call it what you will
Call someone who cares

We’re all paying rent to the same landlord

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playing catch-up

December 29, 2008

A little less lip gloss. A little more chapstick.
A little more IPA.  A little less PBR.
A little less daytime TV.  A little more integrity

Today I need something more sub-sub substantial. More satisfying than a stale rice cake.  Enough of the fluffy whipped up cotton candy trendy pre-packed snacks with soy protein added for texture. Enough empty calories.

Yesterday my shopping list included ingredients for the creation of a hearty stew. But when I got home from the store the only thing in the bag was a 4-pack of ramen noodles. Shrimp flavor.

Today is the day that bike lanes shine and show what they’re really good for: collecting all the gravel, sand, broken glass, makeshift sleds, dogshit, beer cans, hub caps and other detritus that materializes after two weeks worth of snow melts. It was like riding on the beach out there today.  A beach covered with biohazards and oilslick wildlife.

Yesterday…this guy walks into a bar with his laptop and the NY Times. He sits at a table and orders a bowl of soup. A short time later he asks his server to ask the bartender to turn the music down. And the bartender says,
“Hell No. Tell him to go to the library. This is a bar and it’s Elliott Smith for cryin out loud.”


 What’d you get for Christmas?

I got to pay the rent.


What do you think it all means?

You're right.

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back in the saddle

December 29, 2008

Happy to get back in the saddle and I like my saddle setback - back. Not so happy to go to work but at least happy to be getting on a bike and not setting out on another long soggy day of walking. The longest hiatus, sabbatical, respite, suspension, time off the bike ever --- ever, is now over. The bike muscles are back in town and the walking muscles can go back to where they’ve been hanging out all these years. 

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search & seizure

December 28, 2008

when it rains it rains
persistent nagging chest pains
as a result of ill-gotten gains

you super usurper
you're gonna get yours
you get what you pay for
      pay now     pay later

not a just a compromise
a ceremonial sacrifice
offering up function to the fashion gods
your feet hurt like hell
but you look good     yes you do   yes you do

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32° F

December 27, 2008

Should we talk about the weather?       No
I don’t want to be that guy                  …Snow

It’s allover everywhere and we’re all over it

Blisters turn to calluses. Suck it up, they say. And just like anything else you get used to it. Get over it. Get out from under it. Get off it.  Get on with it.

And I am so ready to   too

Easy to say. Easy to do with a day or two over 32°

Winterwonderland is a place you visit by choice or vacation. Seattle in the snow is so 1996. It was fun for a day and great for a weekend. But I think many people here feel the same way and are ready to see bare wet streets, 45 and rain.

We’ve all taken a moment to appreciate the majestic beauty of the snow covered city. The muffled quiet of traffic-less streets. The frightened screams of drunk people sledding down Denny from Summit all the way to Stewart. The goofy laughter of kids building their first snowman. But I no longer have the happy-go-lucky attitude of a Pomeranian in the snow.

I have the grumpy poopy pants attitude of an old messenger that has missed a few days of work and walked out a few more and I’d like to take a moment to appreciate how the snow here makes everything heavier, wetter, slower, slicker, slipperier, slushier and suck just a little bit harder

45 is the new 65. Not years old, degrees Fahrenheit.

Everyone is a little bit edgier, crustier, grumpier. Not just your local messenger, but your cashier, your lawyer, your mail carrier, your bartender and your dog walker. Drivers are a faster on the draw, ready to lay on the horn or get vocal. Not typical Seattle.    

My bikes have become laundry racks and haven’t seen the street for a week.

Let’s talk about something else

wanna come upstairs and see my binder clip collection?

10 years ago

Erik Jahnz took this photo


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A Christmas Story

December 26, 2008

When the smoke clears you realize
sometimes the hardest part of the journey
is just getting out of the driveway

Three friends
Three cases of beer
Three liters of merlot

Three cats
One dog

One bottle of Maker's
One little snowball fight
One huge steaming pot of amazing cioppino

One badass Blaine Christmas
One hundred miles north of Seattle

36 hours in socks no shoes. Walking outside but only as far as the next cold beer and then walking back in. Repeating as needed. Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV and a taste of Rocky V.  Eat, drink, sleep, drink, eat, drink, drink and drink.

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Happy Holidays... and all that shit

December 24, 2008

Check back in soon…

Don't do what I say

Don't do what I do

Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years

Don’t call us
We’ll call you

Don’t stand up in a canoe

try walking a mile in my shoes

I’m getting on an elevator
I’m about to lose you

I saw you

This past week of work   in the snow
has sucked
just a little bit harder now baby

But it’s over
Today is my Friday


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another day

December 22, 2008

You know what hard work gets you...

...more hard work

Another day another half dollar. Actually it’s down to 45 cents. I’d buy that for a dollar but the price is now $2.25.  Please accept this gift card as a small token of appreciation for all the work you’ve done over the past year.  The card may be redeemed at participating Taco Bell restaurants  [The bearer of this card is entitled to one free medium soft drink with a purchase of $10 or more] Hey thanks. NO, Thank You. December revenue projected to fall short of projections expected to fall short of expectations predicted to fall short of predictions. shoulda coulda woulda.

Blame it on the weather

Blame it on the messenger

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stand by

December 22, 2008

cabin fever

December 21, 2008

Longest night Shortest day         solstice
it’s all downhill from here
depending on where you’re standing

new members roll in         welcome   to
The Eternal Order of Cabin Fever
Seattle    Local #1802
feeding off feedback
loops    looping    loopy
fending off Sleestacks
Loose       lose     losing it                 winning

Marshall, Will and Holly
on a routine expedition
on a day like this      

a hairball idea
cat got your tongue
and puked it up        twice

go outside

theorizing  philosophizing  paralyzing   
little marshmallows floating
Swiss Miss meets Jim Beam

Top Ramen meets grilled cheese
Holmgren meets Favre         again
box wine meets pint glass


a subtle gesture with the left hand
half smile and nod
happy hour Rainier relief pitcher
out of the bullpen

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two oh six

December 20, 2008

The streets aren’t plowed
Because there are no snow plows

The sidewalks aren’t shoveled
Because no one owns a snow shovel

Compact snow and ice
Traction tires required

Accumulations of 6”- 8”…he said
More like 3” - 5” …she said

Remember that time
It snowed in Seattle then froze & stuck around
Yeah that was a while ago                                1996

In the 206
In the two oh six          Oh
I found your wallet in El Segundo

You gotta get it
You got-got to get it

Wool socks and six packs
Six packs of wool socks

Frozen pizza
Hard liquor
Red wine
Sharp cheddar

one more layer

I gotta get it
I got-got to get it

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pretty women out walking with gorillas

December 19, 2008

 these boots weren’t made for walking
but that’s what they had to do
one of these days these boots
are gonna                      call in sick

Walking in to work
Walking it for work
Walking is not the new black
Walking kind of sucks

Coming out of buildings looking for my bike

reaching for my key feeling for my lock      then

remembering my bike was at home
because I walked
Walking sucks sometimes

but it beats the bus

Seattle Times photo Ken Lambert

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OK to slide

December 19, 2008

Five hours on the clock
Five done jobs in my bag
Then five more hours at the bar
And five more after that

snow and ice mean something in a city of seven hills
Seattle looks good in the snow
It looks even better from a warm barstool
We don’t need another hero
feeling Minnesota
We’re not in Kansas anymore
Please use the revolving door

For more photos of out-of-control cyclists
See the phot-o-rama page

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tempted by the fruit of another

December 18, 2008

All local artists

All mediums

All night


you know you want some

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more or less

December 17, 2008

Less is more        or less
overdressed   underdressed
confident comfortable
I’m impressed
nothing more   nothing less

pedestrian chicken dance
duck duck duck             goose

say hello to my little friend
Mr. Jim Beam
he lives close to another friend
Major Lee Housed

Out in left field
Out to lunch
Out in the cold
sitting on the steps
the only thing between me and hypothermia
the only thing between my ass and those steps
a fat stack of divorce papers
fortified by fatass divorce lawyers
insulated with inflated billable hours

belching away the one and only chance
to make a good impression
on a mind that was made up long ago

Raise your hand if you’ve
eaten the special at the Logan Deli
and Café Zum Zum
in the same 4 hour stretch…
a normal man would be in the hospital
it’s all about me
it’s all about calories

What should I do?
do what you say
or do it the right way

Do what you love
and the money will follow
that thing you love
right out the window

You can’t afford to

You can’t afford not to

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pink nipple driver

December 17, 2008

what's in the bag?

What isn't in this one-of-a-kind messenger bag handmade in Seattle by those guys down at DANK for Mobius Cycle with a pink pilderwasser nipple driver on the flap?

that's not Sharrow that's Skunk


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seven layer bars

December 16, 2008


23 degrees. That’s not that cold…if you’re from Spokane, Boise, Laramie, Grinnell or Milwaukee. If you’re from Seattle 23 is cold.  But sunny and crisp is not a bad way to go. To go by bike. It just means wearing a few more layers and it’s no big deal until you work up a sweat then go inside the passport office and wait in line for 25 minutes and though you’ve stripped down as far as you can in a government office the sweat is dripping down your ass crack and soaks through your baselayer.  Then when you finally make it up to the glass-enclosed clerk and make your delivery, it’s time to go back outside and freeze. But only until the next time you get hot and then stand around inside. 

Seven layer salad. Seven layer cookies. Seven layer dip.


P for Peet's sake

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she could drag me over the rainbow

December 14, 2008

Set yourself up
Set phone to vibrate
Set phaser  to stun

one large mushroom pizza
one long Neil Young song
greatest hits
one dark Seattle night
tripping balls

can’t see straight
but that’s OK
there’s nothing to see

What are you looking at?

creative nonfiction
reality based fiction
total horseshit

inversion, subversion, submersion
you each have your own version
and I got mine

 celeste green RB-2, white Flite, white Ourys, carbon fiber seat post, Salsa stem, pink pilderwasser DANK top tube pad, white Michelin tires…

…or not 

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December 13, 2008


You say tomato
I say ketchup

You say potato
I say French fries

You say cappuccino
I say fucking coffee

what if
you used up all your chances
to make a first impression
sitting at the bar
telling a dirty joke
you heard 3 nights ago
3 stools down
at the same bar

a quick cost-benefit analysis
Nothing to gain
Nothing to lose


What are you worried about?

the combo meal is cheaper
than each item ordered separately
but you're stubbornly
sticking to your guns
wedged up in your gums


kids these days

If A then B
If B then C
If A then C

If X then Y          and maybe Z too
where were you and you    and you
six months six weeks six days ago


you win some you win some more you lose some it rains it pours

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who knew?

December 13, 2008

seven layer dip
wardrobe choices reverberating
Shoulda  Coulda  Woulda
Who knew?
it rains in Seattle in December
2 shirts, 2 sweaters, vest, jacket and an ABC jersey

It doesn’t hurt
until you see the blood
hit a bit of a snag
there’s the rub
synchronized sphincters
Keep in mind
the manual override
option is an option

3rd & Seneca wind tunnel
Free-locked bikes blown away
can’t stand up might fall down
can’t breathe
head down pedaling    going backwards
it’s windy   it’s wind
amplified accelerated accentuated
in your face
like a normal speaking voice
blasted through a megaphone
Foster Perkins Foster Foster Davis Foster Perkins Foster

On the first day of Christmas
    dispatcher gave to me

twelve Nextels chirping
eleven deadlines burning
ten    EoDs
nine candy baskets
eight file boxes
seven Pier 70’s
six triple towers
five        bulky         kings
four rush round trips
three downtowns
two-zone teeners
and one lousy cup of coffee

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friday is the new friday

December 12, 2008

wouldn't want your job on a day like this

2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


December 11, 2008

If I had a kitten
I’d name it Sharrow

If I had a hammer
I’d get hammered in the morning

If I had another kitten
I’d name it Jody

If I had a down payment
I wouldn’t buy a condo

If I had a Masters degree
I’d still be a messenger


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just a bit outside

December 10, 2008

Admiring the facts
Arriving at the right answers     but
Asking the wrong questions
right         wrong    right
left wondering why
just a bit shy

when she comes
she’ll be coming ‘round the mountain

Long red braids
Short black skirt

Long white apron
Short smoke break

Long meaningful stare
Short awkward conversation

when she comes
she’ll be driving six white horses

good night      rough morning
diminished capacity
cloudy   hazy   foggy
more black coffee
and just a splash of
decision making ability
Absolutely Free!
plus a one time only
shipping & handling fee

when she comes
we’ll all go out to meet her

Third Avenue Stew
overcooked   watered down
getting old    getting cold
chock full of busses
peds popping up like oyster crackers
limited lines
peppered with chuffers
cops lurking like bay leaves

It’s a piss-poor porridge

That security guard
swings a mean
feather duster
pushes that vacuum
like a pro
it’s not multitasking
it’s 2008
it’s an enhanced job description
Times is tough

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it's not you - it's me

December 8, 2008

First thing in the morning
Last thing at night
What are you doing

in between

Get up    go to work
Go home   go to sleep
Get up    go to work

It’s not you   It’s me
It’s the economy
Are you kidding me

half-ass   hose clamp   ziptie
janky   JB Weld    spackle   Bondo
patch it     tape it    tie it up  
Visqueen    blue tarp    lean-to
make do    that’ll do

What’d you do                 today

That's Case on the left and one of those guys from DANK bags on the right. In the center you see Case's new one-of-a-kind all Velcro DANK bag. When you're all velcro the options are limitless.
Hook & Loop.
Press n Play.
Run with it.
Stick it. 

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look ma, 10 years

December 8, 2008

 10 years ago today...

I performed my first notarial act

kickstand #4 was in the works

There were 150 bike messengers in Seattle

Marco Pantani won the Tour

There was a democrat in the White House

The Broncos were on their way to another Super Bowl

UW was                 6-6
WSU was              3-8
Seahawks went    8-8

The Kingdome was still there

Safeco field was under construction

Zen Couriers kicked ass
allover the greater Puget Sound area, on bikes

Buckys wore Blue

Elliott Bay was Purple

I was 10 years younger
and still older than you are

You were still in school

I rode a cross bike
uphill both ways
in the snow

I gave up on grad school

A CMWC meant more to me than a PhD
it still does (no offense Mr. Jeffrey L. Kidder)

Messengers never had to show photo ID
anywhere downtown
Except to buy beer

There were not many messengers hanging at Monorail
City Grind was at 5th & Columbia

Copy jobs were done one page at a time
with rolls and rolls of quarters

We had pagers
and called base on the phone
from land-line phones
A lot
One job at a time

Invoices were printed
in triplicate
on a dot-matrix printer

A trip to the recorder
guaranteed 30 minutes of wait time

MDR, PNP and PM were legal messenger companies

the ENA satellite was an institution

I know now what I knew then
But I didn’t know then what I know now




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used to do a little but a little wouldn't do

December 7, 2008

what did you do today?
Happy Birthday Jace

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long reach stapler

December 6, 2008

screen printing
limited edition pilderwasser Saturday

handmade one at a time one of a kind
with little help from the cats

Our Lady of Douchebaggery

you got it all wrong
she’s not a fictional stranger
or some literary character
I went to Junior High with her
and she was strange
than fiction
Some still talk about her
pray to her
refer to her
rely on her
send their kids to private schools
named after her
get lower-back tattoos of her
paint 30 foot murals of her
and in the foam on their lattes
they see her


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this is not a stapler

December 5, 2008

VeloNews jumps at the chance to publish stream of consciousness spew from a pro bike racer. But I don’t have to make it past any editors or censors or jump at anything -[except the intention of giving the impression that I’m jumping at what my dispatcher says]- because I pay the bills around here and I’ll publish any spew I can scrape up off the streets and I‘m not making any money. Here we are now entertain us.
Why piss in the bathtub when you can piss in the sink?

How many sideview mirrors does it take to span 6th Ave?

How many traffic cops does it take to fuck up 6th Ave?

How many times do I find myself on 6th Ave?

December 2008

I am F350 hear me roar

My tummy hurts

½ pound of Jo Jos
1 corndog
1 chicken & cheese burrito
5 tallboys

Combine ingredients in a large container and mix well.
Season to taste.
Hold it down.
Ride it out.

What’s in the oven?
A pair of old workboots
No really, what’s in the oven?
Koo-ka-chunga McMuffins

I can’t keep a straight face

This cheapass frozen pizza tastes better the next day.  Refrigerate unused portion. Whatever it’s colder in my apartment than it is in my refrigerator. It is. Really. I’m serious. It’s cold outside. So cold my key coil won’t recoil. Hungover.  Still drunk. Hungover. Drunk. I’ll never do that again. Whatever. My fingers are cold. My ears are cold. But there’s sweat dripping down my back. Head spinning. Riding the waves of nausea on crowded elevators. Unwanted spectator on officetron conversations of weather and weekends and weekass plans. Smelling morning coffee. Myself smelling like the smell of freedom which this Friday morning is a unique combination of burritos, beer, sweat, wet dog, cat hair, road grime, chain lube, leftover pizza, toothpaste, Old Spice and old socks.

carry-over continuation continuity
a little plaque in the pipes
it won’t count towards your quota
but is sure helps to speed things along
if you know what I mean

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jalapeño cheddar bacon bagels

December 4, 2008

All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi. Consumer confidence ebbs and flows, shrinks and grows,  in an inverse proportional relationship to the amount of holiday cheese decorations displayed downtown. Cue Toni Braxton Christmas song here   3,400 WaMu jobs to be cut in Seattle. 1,000,000 square feet of  WaMu office space to vacate in Seattle. But the SPD is hiring. Andy Griffith, TJ Hooker and Gil Kerlikowske walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Last Call” ! The trickle down economy trickling down downtown until there’s no place else to go.

Stand by

Here's Adam Toothaker winning a race in a pilderwasser t-shirt

and this from Mr. Toothaker himself:

bike bio:
frame was a trade with kevin carter and he pulled it from the dead
baby pile for a possible polo bike
the cranks are from recycled cycle.
the forks, i got those because they are pink- carlie and kevin- from
the other used bike shop on the east side of pdx that isn't city bikes.
spd clipless pedals from an abandoned gary fisher in a house my dad
was remodeling.
salsa stem i won here in boise at the hellracer.
bars from a friends wife here in boise-43
brooks saddle with a reflector that my uncle attached in something
like 1978ish
wheels are deep v and the rear hub is white industries eno because wwmd
ratio is 34x17
this is the reason why i am sharing; because, when i was building up
the wheel in may, charlie had told me about case planning a memorial
event for the three lost on the hill. charlie didn't make the
connection of me might knowing them, it was a casual mention about him
maybe going to seattle and i was totally caught off guard at the
truing stand. i was planning on bringing the bike to seattle to show
kevin. i had a feeling that he would be into my build that i had done.
there is my catharsis. do you charge for the first hour, can we
prorate this session.
ride safe

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Take my bike, please

December 3, 2008

A priest, a rabbi and a bike messenger walk into a bar…

Did you hear the one about the drunk messenger?

How many messengers does it take to change a light bulb?

This messenger walks into a bar,  the bartender says…

What do you call a bike messenger with a masters degree?

what a surprise
knockin me out with those American thighs
early morning opening my eyes
painfully slow to recognize
looking back now I realize

  nearly naked beer slides
 corduroy cutoffs in July
 looking forward to RAGBRAI

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink


December 2, 2008

Sunday Sunday Sunday read the fine print

what's the  g for?

I'll give you what for...

slideshow in progress here rated PG-13


Dude     it’s not about priority
Come on Bro     it’s hourly
It’s about     I have to pee
It’s all like you know     I’m hungry
It’s just sort of like     I dig that receptionist
It’s all I'm like     what day is this
oh yeah     I have to piss


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take two of these and call me in the morning

December 1, 2008

^  ^  ^     Aching
X X X    Burning
/   /   /     Stabbing
=  =  =   Numbness
o  o  o   Pins and Needles
              What else is there?
              I still have two of these
              just call me Angel in the morning

Alien Sun        3:15pm
came out of nowhere
went behind the hill

December at the 48th parallel
the sun sets early
comes up late

more coffee

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Hey Hey, Ho Ho

December 1, 2008

I don't want to be that guy

You already are

There are no hidden meanings  

 milk       milk


round the corner chocolates made

6 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Ready? OK!

November 29, 2008

take your time
think it over
don’t waste your time
over thinking
it is what it is

yearning to be
someone somewhere somehow
not here      not now

reduce reuse   re new  spew

nothing new under the sun
it’s all been done
even that      yet again

neo-retro   here we go         again

Arial rounded italic bold
it’s all about the font
it’s not new   just really old
never need    always want

postmodern reaction

two possible outcomes
and they’re both wrong
slightly off center
too to the left or too to the right

Stand up  Sit down
Fight   Fight   Fight

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

see the lazyboy... out on the weekend

November 29, 2008

symbolic transportation transformation

November 28, 2008

you paid full retail
would you treat it with more respect
than if you
found it
stole it
got it as a gift
bought it at a yard sale

an object               a concept
a thing              things it represents
what it is       what’s in it
talk about it         let it speak for itself
look at it            ride it
a tool       a symbol
a resource         an achievement
a stepping stone                 a throne
transportation            have you arrived

$10,000 bicycle hanging on the wall
 $10,000 bicycle riding in the rain on Eastlake Avenue East
Had a dream I was sleeping
woke up in a shower curtain factory
the smell didn’t bother me
being taunted by Rick Steves
made me speak Chinese


4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

feral cat

November 27, 2008

At least the sign is good for something. Something like a bike rack. Something to lock up to since they took out all the parking meters and painted a bike lane.

Traffic is light not because of the holiday but because everyone lost their jobs.

Form follows function but may not be in fashion. With the haircut came the tighter pants and the belt. A belt so obviously not necessary because the pants were so fucking tight. The shoes. The hat. The hoodie. The riser bar hacked down to the size of two Oury grips. That’s right. Omak track bikes. Moses Lake fixie kids. Alley Cats in Walla Walla. It’s 2003 again. All over everywhere again.

Technically sound. Efficient. Well done all in all.
lacking emotion. The absence of passion.
feels like a textbook.
It sounds like the piano player at Two Union

A feral cat lapping up rancid fat

copy that


Did you say high functioning alcoholic?
No, I said highly functioning autistic.

mud in your
eye bit off more than I could
choo-choo training
bra strap
on Steely Dan
B-sides the obvious

They say   you can’t take it with you

They say   come and get it right away
They say   it had to be there yesterday
They say   tomorrows another day

They say   are you on a bicycle?

copy that

4 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

DDB to Holland

November 26, 2008

My friend used to work in a bike shop and last night she brought over a 5 gallon bucket full of old inner tubes. Then she left.

I counted 67 tubes and each one had at least one puncture. So I made a gallon of green tea and started drinking it. Then I lined up all the tubes and started patching them. Patching each and every one like any good kid at BikeWorks would do. Like any bike mechanic in Cuba would do. Like a poor legal messenger that gave away all his spare tubes to his coworkers would do.

I drank so much green tea and huffed so much rubber cement that I could no longer bend my fingers. I had plenty of glue and could have vulcanized all night but when I got to the 43rd tube I ran out of patches and had to phone a friend to bring more.  It was hard to dial the phone without bending my fingers but I did it.

When my friend arrived he said maybe I should open a window and he asked me if I knew what time it was. And I said no because I’d been listening to the same Edie Brickell cassette since I started patching tubes and I couldn’t remember how many times it had played through. 

Then my friend went to work and I patched 12 more tubes. Some of the tubes had broken valve stems and could not be repaired.  And there were a couple big fat 24 inch tubes that I had no use for, so I put those back in the bucket and took the bucket outside and left it on the sidewalk.

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it's the most wonderfulest time of the year

November 24, 2008

This is perhaps the greatest photo ever taken of the entire bike crew of a small legal messenger company in late November at the end of a two-term lamest of lame duck sessions in the midst of a gigantic recession       mid-morning Purple.


The guy on the left was Lando Calrissian for Halloween. The guy on the right used to wear a Lando action figure necklace back back back in the day.

Coincidence…I think not.

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November 24, 2008

A day late  and  $228.86 short
not a discussion a debate or negotiation
not a bartering session
more of a mathematical formula
with not much grey area
it’s a computation
it’s my fucking paycheck
and I get paid by the hour
Shaking it over here boss!
Am I right?          Am I wrong?
My god!  what have you done?
If ever there was a context
for a right or wrong answer
                   This is it
make no mistake where you are

I’m not angry     I’m just disappointed
You can do better
You’re better than that

When you start paying the bills
around here then you can start
making the decisions

When are you going to
get serious
get a real job
use your education

Why don’t you
get a haircut
drink less beer
make some new friends

Quit crying or
I’ll give you something to cry about

I’ll give you what for

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a basketful of unused potential

November 23, 2008

 On the 7th day she said, “go outside, get out of my face, get out of the house, go for a bike ride or something”  and I did. and it was good.

got zooted out and rode off in an aimless recreational direction. A short time later stopped, sat on a bench and had a brief chat with Louisa Boren. Then checked in with Bruce Lee and Brandon too. Looked at the view.  Went around a block or two. Then went to the bar to continue. My work. My work on pondering life’s great questions.

It’s not a journey vs. destination thing
It’s not a North or a South thing
It’s not a Yes or a No thing
It’s a quality of life thing

It’s an IPA thing

I stepped over the line. Then I stayed for a while and stepped back. But you know I’d like to keep my options open and reserve the right to step over it again sometime.

They keep the glass ceiling so clean you can’t even see it.  But because you’ve heard so much about it, you assume it’s there. The framework is there, the support structure has been built up, in your mind for years. And years. But last week I finally got a ride on the secure elevator, and now I know there is no glass in that ceiling. Nothing there. It’s all in your mind.

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handmade in Seattle

November 22, 2008

not what I heard
not what she said
not what I read

What I made
What I earned
What I learned

what I know

knowledge from experience
cannot be synthesized
like Yellow No. 5

I know the cross streets
but it’s after dark in a strange city
and I don’t speak the language

Working a crossword puzzle
for a word I never heard
but I do have a clue

A journey to the beer store
begins with a single step

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chain tension

November 22, 2008

On the sixth day she said “do not ride a bicycle” and it was good
Sharp cheddar, cold beer, wool flannel, college football

Pull out your puppy & kitten day planners
Here are some days to remember:

December 7, 2008
Top Secret TreeBeard AlleyCat fiesta-o-rama
Details TBA

December 11, 2008
Cave Singers

Memorial Day Weekend 2009
West Side Invite

Late July 2009
All across Iowa


Please make a note of it


clean cut kids in khakis
backpacks packed
walking back
to catch the boat to Bainbridge
Overly friendly security guy
ambiguously gay
Have a nice day

¿Cómo se dice?
 “get out of my face”
with all due respect
to your authority        and shit

janitor a Green Beret
guy with leaf blower a Navy Seal

Think you might steal
a roll of toilet paper

think again

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hair of the god

November 20, 2008

 Please take a moment to
locate the exit nearest you
one day only
Everything Must Go
Get the fuck out
Abandon ship

Eyes watering
Nose running
Reflex gagging
Palms sweating

expectoration    regurgitation
perspiration    elimination

I don’t feel so good

I’ll never do that again
Until next time


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intelligent design

November 20, 2008

It’s like sitting down at the blackjack table and realizing all the hands you’re dealt were predetermined long long ago. There’s no skill involved, there’s no choices really to be made, there’s no real gambling and no reason to blame the dealer. It’s all there, it’s all been there, it will all be there.  

It’s as if all the messenger work, the last-minute filings, the rushes, the bulky next-days, all of it was called in long ago. Long before the beginning of time. As if all the dispatch logs for today and for every day from here on out are already filled in, completed and on file. It’s as if the dispatcher is just fucking with you.


so anyway...

wanna come upstairs and see my Tyvek envelope collection?

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what was it?

November 19, 2008


really         what was it?

Was it her
subtle voice inflection
Was it her
genuine truth detection
Was it her
urinary tract infection
or was it just
location          location              location

Taking Taylor
down the hill
from your $2.7 million Queen Anne home
to your $1.6 million job in Redmond

left on Mercer
merging   sipping   listening to NPR

You never even saw me
I see you every day

your initial mistake was no big deal
it was the overcorrection at the wheel
that caused the 7 car pileup
Northbound I-5 near exit 168a

you were texting
your girlfriend     your wife says

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gemini ²

November 19, 2008

Here’s Sugarbear with a Polar bear outside the Columbia Center. Part of a protest against Bank of America. All I could gather before security shooed them away, is that BoA must be killing polar bears. The spooky Snuffleupagus-like bear was also spotted outside the Federal Building which leads me to believe the government is killing polar bears too. 

I held the door it’s true
that doesn’t mean I wanted to
have sex with you
But I do
I would
I will
We could
take the elevator to the penthouse
Personal service only
A pickup and delivery
 enveloping the entire package
Call when complete
 rush roundtrip notary signature
Obtain exemplified copy of the order
get the complaint   no exhibits
got no complaints

Are you a courier?
No I’m a Gemini
Let me see your ID
Step through one more time
What’s that in your pocket
Take off your belt
Assume the position
Like I told Cat, songs are poems that lend themselves to being repeated and the music helps them along, makes them stick. But this little ditty here keeps coming back, popping up, lending itself to repetition. I repeat.  I wrote it a few months ago on a scrap of paper and you've seen it here before. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

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looking through you

November 18, 2008



bicycles              messengers
lawyers                 senators
mirrors         reflections

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November 17, 2008

Dan E. Murray sent me this.

It would look pretty cool on a T-shirt and if you were from Fitchburg it would look even better

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that's how the light gets in

November 16, 2008

do what you want
take what you need
say what you mean

it will all come out


in the end

 It’s Sunday, 7:22 am in the Pacific Time Zone. In my right hand an Old Style Beer Salami (you don’t see these everyday in Seattle). In my left hand a roadmaster of Budweiser Chelada (there’s a first time for everything). In my pocket a new hand-made wallet from Milwaukee. Thank you Shaggy, the goods arrived last night.  Cheers.

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November 15, 2008

congregate hydrate agitate migrate
duplicate do it again one more time
---- move along
one way two way my way your way either way
whatever     vector scalar tensor
direction location vocation vacation
reapply after heavy perspiration  
energy entropy probability possibility
We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it
roadmaster forecaster Coinstar rockstar
binder clip connoisseur guacamole regularly
complete complex deplete duplex
We’ve isolated the source of the problem
what we have here is    a loose scutcheon  
free time big time and no bigger fish to fry
intense camping out in tents …RAGBRAI


 Hey, get on the bus!
Registration for RAGBRAI 2009 is now open. The pilderwasser collective is stronger than ever. There’s nothing like dreams of July days in Iowa to help out with November days in Seattle.


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November 14, 2008

that sweet suite candy at the front desk
No experience    No qualifications    No clue
but she sure looks good      and
that’s what keeps ‘em coming back

“How was your weekend?” she said
looking past me --- not at all interested
in my response --- thinking
anticipating what she was going to say
  when I asked her how her weekend was
But I didn’t
I just said “good”
picked up the documents
and got back on the elevator

 If you could take a microwave oven with all the radiation it gives off and shrink it all down to a palm sized package you’d have a handy little device also known as a cell phone. Those things that people everywhere are holding up to their heads for hours at a time. The things they keep in their chest pockets, their breast pockets, over their hearts. In their ass pockets and on their groins. Those things blasting off the straps of their DANK bags. Those Nextels chirping, blurting, alerting the entire population of Two Union Square to wake up. I am messenger hear me roar. Yeah those things. Get back to me in 15 years when you know what those little microwave ovens have done to your brain.

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use your best judgement

November 14, 2008

Justin P Fauntleroy photo

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disbelief of suspension

November 12, 2008

Listen here my friend
do me a favor    and
don’t do me any favors

Once there was a way
but it’s now too close to call
let’s look at the replay
everything is not going to be OK
and hey…
you have a great day

Madison at 4th Avenue. Red light. Waiting. An umbrella flies by at eye level, northbound on 4th on a gust of wind. I watch it for a second then look to my left and spot the umbrella’s owner. Then I roll through and decide to chase it down for her. Just before Spring Street I pin it to a parked car and grab it. Turning it back to convex from concave when a guy approaches me and says “Hey I’d like to return that to its rightful owner” Dude that’s what I'm doing…why would I go two blocks out of my way to chase a janky umbrella through traffic? Umbrellas are for tourists, Hair Club for Men members and people from Clyde Hill.  I don’t need an umbrella.

I know a thing or two about riding on the sidewalk. It’s legal here in Mayberry.  The cops do it all day long. The MID ambassadors only ride there.  And I ride there too sometimes being an old, slow, lazy legal messenger.  I’m all about the transition from street to sidewalk to office building to sidewalk to street. Repeating as needed. In Seattle all the new and retrofitted handi ramps have plastic yellow or white bubble mats tacked right in their center. I call them bubble mats,  the city calls them truncated domes   Their purpose is to increase the visibility of curb ramps for pedestrians with poor eyesight. While they meet this requirement and help all those Mr. Magoos out there, they make things worse for every one else.  Wet concrete can be slippery. But wet truncated domes are slicker than snot. They are just highly visible off-camber placemats greased with pork fat. Pedestrians are sliding all over them and non attentive cyclists can easily lose their front wheel in the rain if they hit the bubble mats at an odd angle.

These mats were designed by some pedestrian expert in Tucson or Boca Raton. An expert that has never walked in heels in the rain in Seattle or ridden a bike in the dark rainy winters of Seattle. But this expert somehow got in with the ADA standards maker, perhaps over a lavish meal at the Capital Grille or maybe because they play golf together and so here we are in Seattle slipping and falling in November 2008.  I wish I could blame it on some jackass from the SDOT, but they’re just building the new ramps to meet federal standards.  The same federal standards that apply in Laramie or Las Vegas or Long Beach or Long Island City.

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had a drink the other day - opinions were like kittens I was giving them away

November 12, 2008

Went to a party a couple weeks ago dressed as a paperboy. A few hours into it I met a woman dressed, she said, as a cougar. Later I found out it was my friend’s sister and she’s only 19.  Then everyone thought she was Lolita and I was a creepy old man.



I had a drink the other day
I had a lot to say

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traffic cones

November 11, 2008

Spent all day with
the niece & nephew
at a bike safety rodeo
Only to realize
the lines were so long because
Wade Boggs was there signing autographs
overseeing the traffic cone slalom
with a name tag on
as if we wouldn’t know he’s Wade Boggs

But everyone was wondering
What the fuck Wade Boggs was doing
at a bike safety rodeo in Hoquiam

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November 10, 2008

Had a feeling I’d meet someone special today. And I almost did, downtown. She was walking towards me, head tilted to one side, smiling, laughing. Her arms outstretched offering up something. Something just for me. But as I got closer I realized she was holding her cell phone on one shoulder talking away and awkwardly trying to get the cap back onto her chapstick with both hands. But I found myself staring at her, continuing on in my mind with my misperception as she continued on down the street.

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cloth napkin - handkerchief - shop rag

November 9, 2008

“you’re going the wrong way”  she said

But she doesn’t know where I’m going
lights    traffic signs    lane lines
laws  violations  citations
I need to go my own way

grammar   spelling   punctuation
conventional  traditional  usual
I wanna say what I wanna say

spoon knife fork
there if I need them
I prefer to eat with my hands

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microwave popcorn

November 8, 2008

Stepping off the elevator, the smell of microwave popcorn hangs thick in the air, recycled for hours by the so-called ventilation system. Eventually the entire floor smells of Orville Redenbocker. Each arriving elevator opens to capture a few cubic yards of popcorn scented air and take it on journey up or down to share with other floors in the building. Until finally, in a day or so, the smell will dissipate.

The source of the smell is the microwave in the break room, the underbelly of the law firm. A gritty, filthy behind the scenes location where the support staff hangs out. This is a place attorneys try to hide from clients, rushing them past the door on their way to the conference room, while the scrub support staffers are in here preparing coffee and muffin platters for them.

Attorneys are rarely seen here. They don’t take breaks they take 3 hour lunches. They take client meetings. They take depositions.  The take extended vacations. Once in a while when they’re out of time, under the gun, up against a hard deadline, desperate attorneys will come in here looking for caffeine or sugar. But most of time they’ll walk to their favorite coffee shop and practice procrastinating. A practice they started back in law school.

This is the office of our biggest client, I’ve been coming here off and on, but mostly on,  for the past 11 years. Employed by four different messenger companies over that span, my paychecks have changed, at least the return address on the checks has changed if my net pay hasn’t. In 11 years I’ve seen numerous receptionists come and go and countless legal secretaries, support staff and mail room employees. Attorneys come and go too but those shifts don’t affect me as much as a rookie in receiving or a temp at the front desk. I’ve seen the office remodeled once, I’ve seen the dot com boom, I’ve seen big tobacco litigation. I’ve seen a few things.  And these people have seen me, the old timers here know my name and say hello I say hello back and smile. When it was cold and raining outside one day long ago they invited me into the break room for coffee and it has since become part of my daily routine.

The coffee here is bad, but it’s free. And free is free. It’s Folgers in individually wrapped filter packs. No measuring, no mess. You just toss one in and press the red button. I think I’m the only person here that drinks this stuff, except maybe James from Office Services. I prefer to drink my coffee from a light colored mug so I can see what I’m drinking, but choices are limited today so I’m drinking my Folgers from a dark blue pharmaceutical company mug and gazing up at the ceiling.

Florescent lights behind large plastic panels among acoustic tiles in the drop ceiling, give everyone and everything here a sickly pale sheen.  The lights give off an audible hum that nobody notices. This hum paired with the drone of the ventilation system create a dull white noise which is the background to a long work day filled with beeps, chirps, squeals, whines murmurs and buzzes. Computers, phones, fax machines, printers, copiers and elevator bells. Muffled conversations among the workers blend together. Sometimes the conversations actually concern work and phone calls and meetings in the conference room are punctuated by personal calls, chats on cell phones and long time-wasting chitchat about last night’s game, last night’s American Idol, or the new season of Survivor.  They say ten percent of the work day is spent on personal matters. But it appears to me that ten percent of the work day is actually work, the rest is personal stuff. I’m not sure what these people actually do for 8 hours a day.

A large round table dominates the room with mismatched chairs scattered around. All of them castoffs from the conference room. When an attorney gets a new chair their old ones get adopted by secretaries or paralegals and the hand-me-down trickle down continues on. The chairs nobody wants end up here in the break room.  There is a sizeable magazine collection that continues to grow, heavily weighted towards women’s fashion, home décor and Hollywood gossip, with a few outliers of fly fishing and golf.

Taped to the microwave is a sign that reads “cover foods cooking microwave”. This sign bothers me, as I continually read it rearranging the words in my mind. I imagine the author’s  voice and motivation. Was it carelessness, or their sense of humor? And their choice of fonts and the way they chose to tape across the corners instead of creating neat tape loops on the back of the sign. Splattered with various liquids and rumpled, this sign should be replaced. But it’s been on there for years and I’m just visiting.  

The refrigerator is the unofficial bulletin board for the office and features flyers about a blood drive, a lunch time concert series from last summer and a memo about the company holiday party. I haven’t ever opened the fridge and do not plan on it. By the time left over food is that left over, I’m not interested.

The floor is covered in industrial strength linoleum squares, as boring as a government job. The hallway just outside features brown low-profile carpet. Crushed down, a year or two past its prime,  traffic patterns  clearly visible, it’s threadbare in places. I imagine when the worn out carpet was mentioned at a staff meeting, the office manager laughed it off and quickly changed the subject. But in the break room one day I overheard her telling the receptionist that they’ve already signed a lease on office space in a new building near lake Union that’s still under construction, so this lame ass ugly old carpet is the least of her worries.

The break room occupies some unwanted real estate near the supply room and close to the photocopier. There are no windows here. The attorneys have offices around the perimeter of the floor and they have windows, but even those don’t open.  None of the windows in this building open. The air conditioning system is the only source of air. Next on the totem pole are the secretaries, they have offices and cubicles near the attorneys they work for, but they don’t have any windows and most don’t even have actual walls. Their offices are defined by dividers and name plates. In this open field of beige drab cubicles, the low level workers attempt to set them selves apart with shrines to their children, spouses and glory days. Collections of small stuffed animals, photographs, children’s artwork, colorful calendars, neon clocks and pink flamingos. These shrines bring up a sadness inside of me, a lonely melancholy feeling that’s hard to identify. Mostly I feel sorry for these cubicle dwellers.


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do what you do

November 8, 2008

casual Friday

November 7, 2008


As I step through the revolving door at One Union and look towards my elevator bank I see a white up-light light up and 8 people herd onto the one open car. I know I could walk just a bit faster and dog pile on that one too. But I won’t. But if I did    I would: jingle the change in my pocket, strum my fingers on the handrail, slurp my latte repeatedly, rustle the bag of my potato chips and chomp them down up in your face, offer unwanted eye contact fishing for something like a human connection - a banal conversation, turn up the volume on my cell phone, all the while hum-whistling the Green Acres theme song or is it whistle-humming…loudly off key and sloppy, plenty of saliva.

Yes that is what I would do if I didn’t do what I do.

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is it raining?

November 6, 2008


Vermont BMX photo



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Cloud City

November 6, 2008

"We get guys like you in here all the time..."

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blue state-o-rama

November 5, 2008

fireplace  candles  full-spectrum lights
reflective strips    white stripes
Falling back   winding down
hibernating    suntans fading
blonde hair going brown
pumpkins molding    gutters clogging
puddle jumping  nasal dripping
pupils dilating    broad daylight
at the 48th parallel
arcing low across the sky
caffeine coffee therapy      SSRI
happy pills    vanilla chills  
where am I

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what would Keanü Dü?

November 3, 2008



If you saw Manfred Nuscheler on the road you might think, “who’s this chuffer?” But if you saw him in a gold sprint race, you’d change your mind. He could do 271 rpms and as you can see on the chart above he was capable of putting out 2378 watts, even if it was only for 3 seconds, that’s Grand Coulee.

tangy penny in a pinch
between the cheek n gum
peanut butter breathalyzer
Have you been drinking sir?
Mayor Nickels it’s not a crime
pumpernickel pumpkin bagel
double nickels on your dime
getting older     slowing down
it’s partly age, rosemary and thyme
You’re soaking in it        
Madge       margin  margarine
I can’t believe it’s not better
 shows over nothing to see here
 write this way folks
Right? No left
step    write-up     write it down

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what time is it?

November 2, 2008

PDX. PDQ. 23 hours of Portland. 46 beers. Four block bike ride. The Standard. One piece of Clair’s birthday cake. Did a little dance. Walked bike back. Slept on floor. Stood up. The Screen Door. Ordered Cajun scramble with grits and whole wheat toast. Couldn’t stomach it. Came home with headache.
What time is it?

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come on Ted just admit it

October 31, 2008

I have no recollection
of the events in question
I am without sufficient information
and can neither confirm nor deny the allegation

more Halloween on the phot-o-rama page
click it    check it

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October 30, 2008

Being an hourly legal messenger on a slow day is like waiting at the airport for a flight that may begin boarding at any minute or it might be delayed three more hours. At any second an announcement could blast over the radio telling you to get on a direct flight to Atlanta. Or it could tell you to prepare for a flight to Salt Lake City where you’ll change planes then fly to Denver, Las Vegas, Sacramento then Cincinnati. Or it could tell you the flight is still delayed. You’re in limbo, waiting. It’s hard to stay awake and at the same time you cannot completely relax. Looking at the clock, again, repeatedly. Spending more and more money on overpriced coffee and shrink-wrapped muffins. How many times can you read USA Today? When you finally board your flight you could be in first class, in for a smooth ride or you could be back by the lavatory in the center seat between two Clydesdales. You may have a 45 minute layover or you might have to sprint across two terminals to make your connection.

Stand the-fuck by uptown

one pill makes you larger

one pill makes you small


coasting downhill
feeling the pull of gravity
autopilot is easy           it’s the
manual override that’s rough
that first step is a doozie
overcoming inertia
as well as family history
cancel and return
turn around     take it back
full circle     round trip
save the slip

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egg roll

October 29, 2008

really for real      really
minimum wage plus or minus a few dollars
How serious can you be
I’m serious   really

really     the real deal
every minute of every day
walking the walk
not turning it on at 8:30am
not turning it off at 5:00pm
It’s not about the bike
It’s not a wardrobe decision
It’s not a fair-weather vocation
It’s not an alley cat, a hobby or a skidding contest
I’m not faking it     because  
I’m sure not trying to make it
I’m not just talking the talk
on nights and weekends

I'm just saying it’s a quality of life issue




The deposition was late, misdelivered, torn open, soaked by rainwater, smelling of beer with an essence of egg roll,  stained with blood, 1000 Island dressing, road grime, spicy teriyaki,  mixed vegetable curry and apparently sprayed with Axe body spray

Hey Steve!

They say…

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush

 But I say…

A hand in the bush is worth two birds

A Busch in hand is worth two bucks

A Hamms in the bag is a rare treat
on sale at Rite-Aid but warm

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the bummer life, avoiding

October 28, 2008

Look at the flaming sunset shadows on the walls of Bad Animals echoing the blaze of my brother Daryl's Swobo hat. Look at the aerospoke wheel on Leland's bike. Look at John Denver's hat. Look at that pilderwasser t-shirt. Look at those Lens Crafters. Can I get a P? Can I get another P?  burberry 

Your attempts to make up for your lack of experience with seemingly endless enthusiasm are amusing, reminding me of my attempts in the last few years to make up for my complete lack of enthusiasm by going to the well of experience…perhaps too many times.

Some people say getting hit by bird shit is good luck.

I agree

Some people say birds have no sphincter control.
I disagree

Today at 1:07pm in the plaza of the IBM building as I was nestled between two mid-size trees perched on the wall just this side of the ABC sidewalk-shortcut to One Union. I took my bag off and was turned to the right to open it up, when I was struck directly in the right shoulder by a humongous seagull turd with a loud splat and enough overspray to coat my left forearm too. It actually made me laugh as I thought of this seagull taking another spin to get a better look at the target.  Precision, accuracy, trajectory, wind conditions, altitude, attitude, tone of voice, intention, audience, demographic. Good luck for me and Nice shot by Mr. J. L. Seagull.

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Zeppelin II on cassette blaring from the one remaining speaker in the driver side door of a midnight blue B210

October 27, 2008


"Who’s there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, 'control freak who?'”


You don’t know what you got
till it’s gone

till it quit
till it got fired
till it started its own company

till it’s stolen off your bike
till it falls apart on a Tuesday
till it’s no longer sold in North America

till it moves to Boise
till it goes to grad school
till it breaks up with you

till it sets off the smoke alarm
till it clogs the toilet
till it pukes on your pillow

till it’s Eminent Domain’d  
till it’s sold to Sound Transit
till it’s sold back and goes condo

till it writes you a letter
till it moves in next door
till it marries your daughter

Control freak who?

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win them all, you can't

October 27, 2008

32 Bobby D photo courtesy Morris Post

Hella Corn Dog Classic III

you win some, you win some more

you lose some, it rains it pours

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what you gonna do

October 26, 2008


Left turns taking
returning eventually
back where we started
wrong  right  left  right
yin yang positive negative
they’re inseparable, one-in-the-same
A package deal     A combo meal
unlimited nights & weekends
call it what you will
call it in the air
the coin toss
heads up

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Cedar Rapids

October 25, 2008

Remember that weekend in Providence when we brought enough clothes for a family of four? We couldn’t even carry it on the bus. Remember that summer in Flagstaff when all we had was a pair of shorts and a t-shirt? Everything worked out fine

Would you like to get away and get some rest
Or do you just want to get away from here  because you’re restless

What are you looking for? where do you think you’ll find it?
Coeur d’ Alene? Cedar Rapids? Copenhagen? Cape Town?
or in that coffee shop on the corner
Are you traveling in search of something or
are you traveling to get away from something
Hide & Seek seeking or hiding  

Finding inspiration or reading an instruction manual
A loose suggestion or a rigid recipe
I’ll take a pinch, a dash, a sprinkle, a dollop
You’ll measure out 1 ¼ teaspoons and a level ¾ of a cup

You’re the left hand playing a constant predictable base line  
I’m the right hand going Thelonious allover the board

You’re the boy scout over prepared
I’m the hitchhiker winging it

I had one small pack traveling light over seas
You had two checked bags envisioning contingencies

It’s amazing what people can accomplish when they don’t have a choice
Acting out of necessity, emergency, catastrophe

It’s amazing how people freeze when they’re given choices
Weighed down by quantities, accessories, luxuries

I mention passing through casually
You’re carefully retyping the itinerary

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the sun came up it was another day

October 25, 2008

 Angels are messengers      but
Messengers are not necessarily angels
What was your first clue   …yeah me too
Toting around an imaginary friend enclosed
in a Velcro pouch with a bunch of bike tools
Don’t you know I’m loco
In loco parentis
Parenthetical theoretical hypothetical
Hypodermic epidemic academic
horseshit      horse        shit
Please use the revolving door
Take the freight elevator
Take the long way home
Keeping track     the phases of the moon
Does anyone really know what time it is
It’s not too late it’s just really early
 zip ties twist tie a bread sack on each foot
Peanut butter and banana sandwiches all around
Keeping score     in the fourth quarter
We’re all winners here     however
It’s not about winning
there’s no team in fuck you


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your job on a day like this

October 23, 2008

sound bites

“my son was a bike messenger in New York City and he never would have done that”  said some pedestrian lady to Jon Quon last week

“...there’s a white ten-speed bicycle parked against the window on the Pike Street side, can you take care of that right away?” said the security staff radio channel at 1420 5th yesterday

“In February you did a job from Helsell to King County with judge’s copies, did you take the judge’s set to Ex Parte or Family Law or just to the mailroom…?” asked my dispatcher in October

MyNhung in Cat Cat Village outside Sapa, Vietnam
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October 21, 2008

no problem, we'll be right there


Cute punk bike messenger!
You:    Tall, sexy stallion with the most beautiful blue eyes and brightest smile. I see you all the time hanging out at monorail coffee looking adorable as ever. Nice punk tattoos, I like pizza too. Let's go for a ride some time...or maybe I'll just ride you.
When:    Monday, October 20, 2008
Where:    Monorail espresso
I saw a:    Man
I am a:    Woman
Date posted:    Monday, October 20, 2008 in the Stranger I saw U

Six-pack of tall boys:         $4.69
Burberry scarf:     $295.00
DANK coozie:  priceless
An ice-cold 75cent tallboy of Busch. A warm cuddly $295 swatch of Burberry wool. Two great tastes that taste great together.  A juxtaposition that I will venture to say has not occurred until today, this 21st day of October, 2008 in Seattle, Washington. All made possible by a fortuitous ground score and those guys down at DANK bags who happen to know a thing or two about beer coozies, messenger bags, top tube pads, radio holsters and other stuff that messengers need.

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processions receding recession’s proceeding

October 20, 2008

*1201 Second Avenue

There’s a stillness in the air. People are holding their breath. Holding their wallets. Filling out their ballots.  Retail sales are down. But beer, wine & liquor* sales are strong, stronger than ever in some parts of the country.  People are worrying, saving, over thinking, smart shopping, downsizing but still drinking.

Some people fear their 401Ks are losing value 
Some people fear the next President of the United States
Some people fear carnies and their small hands
Some people fear bare-handedly-over-handled cheese
Some people fear undercooked pork products
Some people fear small confined spaces
Some people fear long-term relationships
Some people fear Shriners Conventions

I am afraid of zombies dressed as facilities management professionals toting small brooms and dustpans. I have this recurring paranoid fantasy acid trip bad dream where I’m  standing-by in the lobby of the PSP sitting in an Eames chair trying to read a well known paperback book but I’m constantly being harassed, poked and prodded by dudes with brooms and dustpans invading my personal space pretending to sweep up nonexistent invisible crumbs. Then I get up, walk outside to unlock my bike and it turns out it’s not a dream.

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October 19, 2008

Chis Murray photo

This is Frankie Jr. from Mama Raphael's taking a little cheese break during one of his 12 hour work days on RAGBRAI. As you can see he's an honorary member of the pilderwasser collective. You can also see he likes cheese. 

If you haven't read the original scroll version of On the Road, check it out

If you think Jack rolled his TP over the top...I agree with you

If you see a connection between Frankie Jr and Jack Kerouac go with it work with it run with it. Correlation yes. Causation perhaps. Why don't you make yourself a quesadilla or have a big slice of apple pie smothered in ice cream in some small town in Iowa

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pump kin

October 19, 2008

3:30 am Saturday after last call. Way after. The drunken herds leaving the bars on Capitol Hill are often annoying and loud and you can hear what time it is without looking at the clock. Awoken by two guys walking home or on their way to a friends house or onto another party.  Amplified by alcohol. Boisterous, courageous, discourteous but hilarious. From a block away I could hear singing. As they got closer I recognized the song. Each would take a turn a line a riff, trying to outdo the other.  In an overblown caricature of a karaoke voice. Like an SNL skit or spoof or joke. Like Bette Midler doing her best Scott Weiland impression. Like Will Farrell doing Bette Midler doing Scott Weiland.
And it was good. Took my breath away.

Roll On!  live free or die, you know, next door, one state over

Vermont BMX photo

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pump cheese

October 18, 2008

not obedient just independent    alone
self-contained entertained unrestrained
stacking rocks, riding bikes, building forts, lighting fires
kicking pine cones, licking ice-cream cones
slurping Slurpees until the brain freeze
pinball, bubblegum, penny candy, pump cheese
the babysitter smells weird   smoking cigarettes
watching soap operas Monday through Friday
her macaroni tastes funny
her tuna sandwiches aren’t as good as mom’s
potato salad, dill pickles, baked beans, hot dogs
the dog is so hot he’s not moving,   panting
ice cubes melting in his water bowl
garden hose spewing plasticky bathwater warm
the lawn yellowing   drying     dying
crunching prickly on tenderfeet
they’ll toughen up by Labor day      then it’s
back to shoes and socks and school

seek and you just might find a $595 piece of Burberry in the lobby 

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what day is this?

October 17, 2008


October 16, 2008

Provided by building management for your protection
give it a try, take a swing
just this once    Pro Hac Vice
just like President Truman said,
“We must cut down on the cost of living”
capillary action, soak it up, drink it in
write it down, let it sink in      begin
again start over commencement
graduated cylinder Bunsen burner
Erlenmeyer flask try a pint glass
of Majestic Unicorn IPA  

Not that I really need to
it’s that     you don’t want me to      so
it’s a game a challenge a dare an added bonus
because I can I could I will I would
so don’t bone us

That’s a mighty good gin & tonic R2
Why don’t you mix me up another

Convent pent up penthouse Whitehouse
there’s a tension under the surface
surface tension…read the meniscus
read between the lines look in the negative space
shinier than Milner and like Marcelle two-faced
doused in Liz Claiborne
fake hair fake nails fake tan fake tits
integrity honesty authenticity    absolutely
none of this I see
in a brief elevator conversation a premature revelation
of deep personal issues problems family matters
and we’re not even to the sky lobby yet
Red flags waving warning signs flashing
smile, nod and holy shit don’t make any more eye contact

                …please exit to the left

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please follow along as I read aloud

October 15, 2008


 Brujo photo

 This is Mr. Craig Etheridge. He’s kind of a big deal. I’ve talked about him before here and here   You may remember when he defeated Frankie Andreu at goldsprints. This past weekend he defeated the entire 503 area code at this event and won it all and won one of these custom made bicycles

the shadow knows

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use seat bottom cushion for floatation

October 13, 2008

“We all possess a predilection for lostness, some of us more than others. But lostness, like all talents, must be nurtured, developed and practiced in order to enjoy its benefits. Many of my friends know where they have been, where they are and where they are headed. How sad.”

To my left I see a whirlwind, a wind tunnel, a twister, a dirt devil, a whole lot of shit blowing around or whatever you call it in your zip code. I enjoy this time of year when the fallen leaves help to illustrate the wind tunnels in the core like a smoke machine brings out lasers at a bad metal show.  There are plastic bags, napkins, Styrofoam containers, q-tips, those little nasty single tooth floss pick things, lost Larouche literature, misdirected absentee ballots and a whole lotta leaves blowing around and around up 3 or 4 stories in front of 1001.

Straight ahead I see Yacky locking up at the bike rack.

To my right I see a guy with a broom and dustpan sweeping up one leaf at a time, one fucking leaf at a time.

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October 12, 2008

this way, that way, the other way
too hot, too cold, just right
too hard, too soft
too big, too small
too old, too young
too much, never enough
pigeon-toed, duck-footed
subtle exaggeration
caricature of a dramatization
false recollection of a misrepresentation
not all wrong  -  not quite right
on    off   standing by
with it or on it
take it or leave it
take the elevator to the mezzanine
purgatorial middle of the road
one foot in each time zone
perineum tickling taint
straddling the fence
greener grass on both sides
the raw & the cooked

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analog digital analog digital

October 11, 2008

Sofa King ess ay tea you are dee ay why...

 Are you a messenger?

I’m an artist, I'm a writer and I wanna dance

Well do you know where the Pike Place Market is?

Yeah it’s that way

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five (5) days a week

October 10, 2008

You just might be a messenger if you recognize new security staff in large office buildings, not by sight - although nothing commands respect like an ill-fitting blue blazer, gray slacks and steeltoed black shoes except maybe a meter maid on a Segway - but by their tone of voice and their overly friendly unnecessary verbal greetings. This behavior wears off in 5 to 7 working days. There’s a fresh one at 801 2nd this week and he’s still all into his job.

You could be an urban cyclist if you recognize from a safe distance the “significant other pick-up / drop-off” This is where a car stops in the road for no apparent reason and one or more of the doors fly open and one or more of the people get out of the car. Sometimes one spouse, domestic partner, lover, boyfriend or girlfriend getting dropped off on their way to work. Sometimes both get out as they switch drivers. The process is reversed at the end of the day.  It’s dangerous for cyclists but when you’ve seen it enough times it falls into a  pattern. I like to roll by clear of the opening doors and say “thank you honey”

You might be a messenger if you have a GroundHogDayFeeling that you done this all before… …because you have, a gazillion times.

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ten nine?

October 9, 2008

happy birthday 87 happy birthday to you


You might be a messenger if on 10-9 Day International Messenger Appreciation Day the only appreciation you get is from other messengers.


Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be...

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what it is, is what it is

October 8, 2008


it was what it was
it will be what it will be
it is however neither then nor there
it is here and now

it is what it is

no experience necessary

You might be a messenger if you’ve been on the road for 10 years and you’re expected to train some kid

You might be a messenger if you’ve been on the road for 10 years and you’re being trained by some kid

I know now what I knew then, but I didn’t know then what I know now

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October 7, 2008

You might be a messenger if you find a patch of sunlight in early autumn Seattle and decide to sit down on the sidewalk to work on your shin tan. From other messengers you get a heads up. From locals you get nothing. From tourists you get a double take or two. From homeless people you get a big sloppy poopy-pants  kiss.

You might be a messenger if you recognize bicycles from a couple blocks away and if you see one locked up you know who it is, where they are, what job they’re picking up and what time it’s due…you know who got laid off, who got fired, who quit, who got hired, who just started this week, who might start on Monday, who’s training who and how long that could take. 


Copy that

so you missed the Presidential debate?
Watch this video, It may be more important in the long run. 
Thanks to JP

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is that for Here or To Go?

October 6, 2008

May I please have the chicken nachos

May I please have 25 more psi
a baby-smooth contact patch
very little rolling resistance and still
have enough friction to dive into corners

May I please have job security
an annual cost of living pay increase
paid holidays and relatively little horseshit

May I please have full fenders
and on an average day keep
my socks dry until at least 11:00am

May I please “fall back” this year
with confidence and grace and perhaps
a little help from drugs and alcohol

May I please don my little blinky lights
and retain the knowledge
that comes from experience and
realize… I’m still invisible

May I please finish this King run
and exit the courthouse to find
my bike in one piece

May I please comprehend the concept
of a water resistant - wind resistant shell and
wear varying layers of wool and synthetic fiber

May I please weather the storm of
elevator questions that come with
A change in the weather

May I please turn the other cheek
the other ass cheek
the one with the U-lock

May I please enjoy a quiet lunch break
without Mr. Gas Powered Leaf Blower blowing
without Mr. Dust Pan Sweeper sweeping
moving me along for no good reason

May I please drop out of Electoral College
and cling to the misconception that the popular vote counts

May I please get one more for the road
And one for my friend too ?

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October 5, 2008

down tube shifters
down the tubes shitter
subtly in your face
suddenly out of place
shift change transformation
mutate adapt evolve
innovate rotate revolve
stay stall stagnate stew
old place new point of view
play it again Sam
take another look
shed some light on it
layer up pare down pair up
consolidate gear down downsize
downshift hunker down dig in
sell out buy out cash in cash out
 suck it up   ride it out
you don’t have to shift
just pedal harder

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October 4, 2008

 “Cyclists are open-minded. Cyclists are egalitarian. Cyclists share a fellowship of the wheel that can overcome all political, social, racial and economic barriers. Except for recumbents.”

--Ted Constantino


Thanks for the book Sugarbear.
The Quotable Cyclist by Bill Strickland


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nerf herder

October 4, 2008

one significant impact

October 3, 2008

powdered sugar     powdered donuts
sugar coated      powder coated
frame fork fenders racks stem
all together now
as well as a frame pump and bottle cages
at home in storage
matching saddle bar tape cable housing

too much - It’s never enough
However this bike is actually ridden
functional versatile durable
not too much fluffy trendy shit
one of these kids is doing his own thing

 You might be a messenger…

…if you can gage how busy you were by how many binder clips you pull out of your bag in the morning. Not by how many miles you rode, not by how much weight you’ve lost, not by how much money you took home, not by how many attorneys you saved.

…if you can gage the local real estate market by how much drool is running off the chin of a title insurance messenger standing by in a comfortable office building lobby chair.

…if you can gage the local economy and realize it’s gone to shit when your 2 year old skanked out busted helmet gets stolen off your bike around noon at City Center as if the perpetrator envisioned a blown out sweat soaked road grimed hard worn stinky messenger helmet could be worth something.

…if you must choose between buying a new helmet and paying your rent

…if you’ve blown out 3 pairs of bike shoes since the last time you purchased a pair of normal civilian shoes.

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everybody knows your name, where

October 2, 2008

It’s not really such a flat city. One dimensional. Shallow. Plastic. Fake. Like the view from Frasier’s window. Buildings rearranged condensed imagined into a falsified skyline Seattle where the Space Needle is somewhere between 1001 and Mount Rainier. Where 1201 is nudged up against some building that doesn’t exist. Where everybody knows your name. not really.  I’ll meet you at 801 5th and get a proper picture of you on your bike dominating this plastic Seattle PR metropolis mural.

We all have fantasies of rolling into base and turning in our radio in the middle of the day and quitting. Straight up. No exit interviews. No two-weeks notice. No bouquets. No hugs. No tears. No engraved watches. Just quitting.

Some people actually do it.


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October 2, 2008

this is Rowan in a nipple driver onesie

Photos courtesy of Wade Michael Atkinson

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...up to Alaska...to get off scot-fucking-free

October 1, 2008

Cute little bike racks. I appreciate them on the same level that I’d appreciate my niece or nephew’s paintball party, if I had a niece or nephew. They’re cute. They’re there. They’re trying. I’m supposed to appreciate them. Thanks. I tried. But I’d rather lock up to a garbage can or street sign or parking meter.


It’s October and they’re putting up Christmas lights in the trees at Two Union. The sun is carving a lower and lower arc across the sky (as we discussed earlier the sun isn’t moving or doing anything but burning itself up. We on earth are just spinning revolving and rotating as the Northern Hemisphere is moving away from the sun into its dark grey long winter phase and the Southern Hemisphere is exposing, getting warmer into summer) Today the sun is barely hitting the patio at lunch hour



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Jonny Sundt Tim Mason Thomas Dolby

September 30, 2008

Today I saw John Hinckley Jr. riding a recumbent slowly on Malden Ave East near Safeway, he had an orange flag and all, Travis Bickle was tearing shit up on a BMX not far behind hitting all the curbs and the root popped sidewalks, catching big air. Hinckley’s parents and older brother were driving like tourists a half a block back in what was obviously a rental car and I think Neil Bush was in the car too. I gave them a half ass thumbs up. Then later on, on Warren Ave North I spotted Thomas Dolby on a tricycle with Miss Sakamoto standing on the back, her hands on his shoulders and good heavens let me tell you she was beautiful, they asked me how to find the Space Needle. Somewhere around the 2:30 lull I saw David Koresh walking up Pike on the sidewalk pushing a cute little fixie with the bars hacked down way too small. He was with 5 or 6 very attractive women, or actually girls and he was wearing really tight stretchy black pants and two or three studded belts and a big empty RE Load bag. And then after work winding down at Monorail I’m pretty sure I saw your father-in-law on a Jonny Sundt cross bike. I just saw his reflection in the window and by the time I turned around he was behind a bus but I think it was him.

I read it on line it must be true.


Yesterday I saw a fair weather commuter (FWC) bombing down Pine Street in the bike lane around 8:15am. Displaying an overblown sense of confidence riding between the thin white painted lines as if they extended upward to infinity like the plane of the goal line. As if they offered extra protection, entitlement or enhanced visibility for chuffers in white button down shirts toting laptops on sunny days. When traffic stacked up at Harvard Avenue behind a car waiting to take a left, a car several spots back in line popped out to the right and cutoff FWC. From my perspective it wasn’t even that close and anyway that’s what cars do, and like Robert Hurst says, that’s what traffic is. People stop using turn signals the day they get their license, get used to it. But FWC stopped and went back to yell at the driver who was pulled over near Seattle Central. He yelled “what the fuck was that” and the driver, a young mom with her kid in the front seat just flipped him off. Nothing was accomplished except both parties left with a bad taste in their mouths, and all before 8:30 on a Monday morning. It reminded me of my younger days. But now I realize if I got that pissed off every time a car came within 25 feet of me I wouldn’t last 4 hours.

Today, here in late 2008, I pick my battles and save my energy like Tim Mason.

Out in traffic on a bike the eye contact, the head nod, the hand gestures, the yelling , the expectoration, it’s all there, in your face as a driver. It’s not diluted, censored, redirected, buffered, sheltered, reflected, refracted or protected by the big steel shell of an automobile. It’s right there, it’s real, it’s scary, it’s loud, it’s profane, it’s me and my adrenaline at your window, in your face. Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.

The other side of that coin is there is nothing protecting me on my bike in traffic from the big steel shell of your automobile.


What Would Mason Do?      WWMD


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good old boys

September 30, 2008

The reporter from Bloomberg asked me about the $700 billion bailout. I said it was horseshit. But he left that part out of the article There is no doubt however that my poorly informed opinion from the streets of Seattle caused the stock market to plunge at an alarming rate yesterday.

Those guys at DANK bags say, money talks.

But Pham told me, people talk and money buys whiskey.

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loose balls

September 29, 2008

Cleared the next-day King, all the 4 hours to the Square and the no-charge-new-client-get one-free-courtesy job to 909. Not because I care about the new client or the old ones or you or anything, I just had to take a piss.

Like being led by a seeing eye dog that has to take a shit. You suddenly notice you’re walking a bit faster and then you’re stopped for no apparent reason until it becomes apparent or at least fragrant.

Who’s the center of the universe? You are.

Yes you are.


if you can identify the Men's room from which this photo was taken

you'll earn yourself  (1) "attaboy"

which equals (.08) of (1) "ah shit"

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large curd cottage cheese

September 28, 2008

Sebastian Janikowski attempted a 76 yard field goal today. It was well short...as good as a punt only better.The NFL record field goal is 63 yards. Mr. Janikowski is one of the biggest kickers on earth, bigger than 80% of the population and drinks more than any linebacker in the NFL. No joke. 

He could drink Jason Hanson under the table before noon with his left hand. 

What does this have to do with anything?

What does anything have to do with this. 


mark your calendars

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puppies kittens penguins

September 27, 2008

when one isn’t enough
and six is too many
who ya gonna call?

inconspicuous consumption
hiding in plain sight
don't fuck it up
do what I do professionally
I’m not a doctor trust me
ask Kerlikowske
you buy 10,000 pints
you get one free
Craig Etheridge photo
Transitioning seamlessly
from coffee to beer     to coffee
Reexamining categories
necessities luxuries   quality
of life issues     priorities
flat screen TVs or peanut butter jellies
sweet suite candies
Is it the economy?
it’s the ebb in your flow
it’s the chutes the ladders     the chutes
it’s the Washington Mutual Super Sonics

talking the talk
eating the cake
must be rough how are you managing with
kids at Bowdoin Williams and Tufts
the timeshare in Vail but no Paris
this year vacation in Maui not Tuscany

walking the walk
riding the bike
drinking the beer
no vacation no work no pay
punch another hole in my belt
sewing up blown-out Carhartts
a quality of life issue
it continues to be

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what I hear you saying is

September 25, 2008

sky lobby floor 40
to reach floors 37 through 55
please exit to the left
to reach floors 56 through 76
please exit to the right

Paper paper everywhere
and not a drop of ink
You just can’t find a good pen these days
It’s the end of the urgent delivery business
as we know it
and I feel fine
ABC WLM NWL SLM      SOL         BFD
Call KnR
if you want something done right
then do it right
Pull up a chair     grab
a front row seat on the short bus
You’re a real handful
of front brake on a wet technical descent
brake break broke bust   boom
Whatever         it comes around
welcome     welcome to the boomtown

Originals to the Clerk
Copies to the judge and opposing counsel
Sent via legal messenger
In addition another 16 copies to opposing counsel all over Washington Oregon Idaho Montana California and Canada sent via email

And so it goes


Not just a messenger

don’t write the shit  
just deliver it

not displaying any symptoms showing any signs of the backslapping handshaking bro-bra fratboying tallying billable hours for months of drawn out discovery preceding litigation
Just delivering the shit

Nextel outburst chirper

Carbohydrate loader

Penny nickel dime and paper clip collector

White shoes after Labor Day admirer

Inane conversation sound bite recorder

Over crinkling of potato chip bag (g-dogg) discourager

Slurping latte on elevator preventor

law firm men’s room graffiti reader

Toilet paper tester

Capitol Hill bar regular

Residual lipstick on pint glass inspector

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nine two five - oh eight

September 25, 2008

You know it’s a small town when you’re out on Westlake North riding back into town with 40 pounds of shit in your bag eating a breakfast burrito from PCC in Fremont and right where the road chokes down to one lane for construction you let a line of cars pass you and then as you’re waving the burrito in your left hand telling the last car to hurry up and pass they honk and yell at you to get out of the road and it turns out to be your ex girlfriend in her new boyfriends truck and that 40 pounds of shit just got a lot heavier.

---true messenger words paraphrased 9/19/8 7:30pmish in the 98102
What’s that on your sweater?

People think it’s snot
you know it’s not
Out back in the parking lot
housing low income seniors
Drinking 16oz Rainiers
watching the sunset over Walgreens
Low income seniors watching over us
Pine cones pine needles pine tar
sticky  sticking  stuck to my sweater
People think it’s snot
but it’s not

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sharp white cheddar

September 23, 2008

I don't want to be That guy

September 22, 2008

She stated she was authorized to accept
the good with the bad
and claimed to be ready for
A long term relationship
Hold on   I said
I’m just looking for the registered agent

I’ll be the custodian of records
You be the subpoena duces tecum

You be the named defendant
I’ll be the summons and complaint

I’ll be the petitioner
If you’ll be the respondent

I’ll go Pro se
If you take me to Ex Parte

For no apparent reason at odd times visions of Third Avenue pop into my head accompanied by a deep sense of boredom. 516, 720, 999, 1111, 1218, 1904, 2112, 2505, 2901.

If we all wore
reflective orange safety vests
they’d lose their effectiveness  

I have 2 or 3 dispatchers. They work in close proximity. Their desks nearly touching. They do not however work together. Someday I’d like to introduce them to each other.

If anyone out there knows a one or two syllable word that means the opposite of “inspires confidence” let me know and I’ll key it into my Nextel in place of “dispatcher

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September 21, 2008

Oh hey    I can see
by your cell phone’s blue light
which so constantly flits
til the Cha Cha’s last calling
where red lights and rock stars
give proof through the night…
…that you’d so rather be someplace else with someone other than those painfully hip hipsters you’re sitting with. You’ve made your appearance it’s OK to leave now. Really. Every step you take to set yourself apart, trying to be uniquely hip, just makes it easier to lump you in with all the others. Trying so hard and looking the part. Relax.             This too shall pass.

You might be a messenger if you go home and change from your work cutoff shorts into your home cutoff shorts

You might be a messenger if you can fix your bottom bracket with Taco Bell hot sauce

You might be a messenger if you haven’t paid for toilet paper for 3 years

I come from a land full fender
Where beer does flow and bikes messenger
Can’t you smell can’t you smell September
You better run you better ask Dave Hiller

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dream catcher

September 20, 2008

conversation intonation
body language
saliva spraying annunciation
tone of voice

your hands are waving
the punctuation away

Can’t understand a word you say
But I catch your drift

Saving for a rainy day
you’ve got a slow leak
and hey
it’s raining

No questions asked
Predictable you say
Reliable       replay
same shirt same shoes same service
The Usual
Have a good day

my coffee tastes like chapstick
my beer tastes like toothpaste
the tatertots taste like chicken
this burrito tastes like Friday

Your neck tastes like summer

How long can one ride around town
running other people’s errands
before they realize

I don’t really care if the
Motion for bifurcation
gets to the judge by noon

How long can one wander the grocery store
with someone else’s shopping list
before they realize

I don’t even like asiago
or pork rinds
or pimento loaf

Time to think in one of my favorite men’s rooms. All the tenants on this floor have moved out. Downsized consolidated sub-leased quit foreclosed defaulted moved on. Empty. Seattle is a bit behind the curve with just a hint of denial hanging in the air. The construction boom is still visible. So many cranes on the skyline. 12 construction workers or more in line in front of me every day at the bodega for lunch. Thousands of new condominiums slated to come on line in the next few months. Much new street level retail space. A great deal of new office space opening up going up filling in the retail core urban density. All the while store fronts in the core are sitting empty papered over. Stores and restaurants are going out of business. Shutting down without even a sign on the door. One day it’s open for lunch. The next day it’s empty and dark. I served a notice of default on an icecream shop yesterday. Soon it’ll be another empty storefront. Safeco bought out. WaMu on the brink. Consumer confidence my ass. Dow Jones has the skuds. Your 401k is worth about a buck-fifty. Unemployment statistics are skewed. Unemployed people don’t answer on-line surveys or questions from researchers calling on land lines. Truly unemployed people don’t apply for unemployment and they don’t even exist in the eyes of the census bureau. It’s all a bunch of horseshit hocus pocus fat rich guys talking in hushed tones to rich fat guys wearing dark suits in wood-paneled conference rooms. Interest rates, government buyouts, investments, rescue plans, shifting the burden to the tax payers. Long term. Short term. Band aids hemorrhaging. Whatever.

Cyclically cycling into another cycle on my bicycle.


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have good day

September 18, 2008

Bootleg Courier Company   - Reno, Nevada

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weight loss program

September 17, 2008

jeet kune do in the PSP lobby...whatever it takes

 one one nine one bike rack 

Superior Court in and for the County of King

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hello how ARE you

September 16, 2008


September 15, 2008

Low volume  -  High margins
Fixed labor costs
or not
two months off             
two for you two
taking it around the world
two for me and Naj too
taking it in the ass
Bone us

that’s no problem
We’ll be right there
Yes we will
We we wee

Everything is under control
or not

You’ll see

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field of dreams

September 15, 2008

Nature calls. Nature is calling. But I don’t want to take the call in Ballard. Motivation for the ride home, maybe. it’s hard to enjoy the scenery when nature is calling incessantly. Rolling through Fremont, feeling it. Really. Thinking how desperate one must be to use the Gas Works Park men‘s room. Then I look to my right and what do I see, but 75 kybos lined up for me. Is this heaven? No, and it’s not Iowa either. It’s Seattle in September and I got a whiff of RAGBRAI. Just in time. 
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Tuna Fish

September 14, 2008

It came from the grassy knoll. Teletubby Hill. Cal Anderson crows prefer Dick’s cheeseburgers but they’ll settle for worms. Not a cloud in the Willie Nelson blue skies. Rose colored glasses outlook. Look out.  Ideal perfect weather. But still there’s some unidentified emotion, barely perceptible uneasiness, a visceral gut feeling. Like the tuna fish the babysitter used to make. It was never as good as mom’s. And I don’t know why. Flat. Not Minneapolis flat but last night’s Big Bear flat. I’m Temple Grandin listening to someone tell me this is beautiful so I half-ass nod and say uhh sure. Sure. I’m looking at the same thing you are but it doesn’t look the same. This aint my first September in the saddle. Getting a little long in the eyebrow. These aren’t the salad days they’re the sauerkraut days.


it's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days

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junior high

September 13, 2008

The double diamond bike frame design has been around since day one or at least since the early morning of day two. Not a whole lot has changed over the last 100 years. Things are lighter and more colorful. Smooth. Shiny. Fluffy. Trendy. But the bikes you’ll see at Interbike next week are not really that different from the bikes Archibald Sharpe was talking about in 1892.

I held the door it’s true
that doesn’t mean I wanted to
have sex with you
But I do
I would
I will
We could
take the elevator to the penthouse
Personal service only
A pickup and a delivery
 enveloping the entire package
Call when complete
 rush roundtrip notary signature
obtain exemplified copy of the order
get the complaint no exhibits
got no complaints

Are you a courier?
No I’m a Gemini
Let me see your ID
Step through one more time
What’s that in your pocket
Take off your belt
Assume the position

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Sea Monkeys, Feta and Scott Norwood

September 12, 2008

Elevators go down
Elevators go up
the sun sets in your West
as it rises in my East
Actually the sun isn’t moving at all
We’re just spinning around    rotating
It’s how you look at it
That’s how I look at it

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Have you seen a guy on a bike?

September 10, 2008

You might be messenger if you’re imitated and disrespected by the same people

You might be a messenger if you’re expected to know the answer to over 1.5 billion stupid questions

You might be a messenger if you’re so drunk they won’t sell you beer at Red Apple

You might be a messenger if you sleep with your key on

You might be a messenger if at least one member of your family believes you could be doing something more important with your life

CornDog photo

2 King County Sheriffs and a MID ambassador
Yeah I copy you, 10-4
You’re coming through loud and clear
just like all the cell phone calls from Flight 93
fucking horseshit
Are you kidding me?
I called nine one one a long time ago

Don’t believe the hype
vermontbmx photo
Bent forward at the waist, arms relaxed, head tilted slightly to one side. Utilizing the major muscle groups in the legs and lower back. No wasted energy. No reason to white-knuckle the bar. On the hoods, the flats, in the drops. Shifting effortlessly, depending on the situation. Subtle signals, indicators, body language. An unspoken communication among regulars and seasoned veterans. A nod, a wink, a raised finger is all it takes. One more for the road.

Life is too short to wait until 5:00
Chris Murray photo
For external use only
Warranty Void if used indoors inside in house
no cubicles no air conditioning no florescent lighting
no break rooms no conference rooms no microwave popcorn

a red chainring

a top tube pad for every day of the week

a downtube covered in stickers     and

I'm older than you are

How ya like me now?     bikesnob

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red zone

September 9, 2008

Are you warm enough?
You’re hot!
Well into the red zone
Like mayonnaise at the company picnic

Contact patch tread patterns
Traction friction air pressure
Rolling     resistance is futile

Work is for suckers. Get a job.
All arbeit and no play makes
No sense no class in class out class
Beyond category         HC
Not fat    big boned
Ectomorph endomorph mesomorph
Outdated classifications

Hey Nick can I get my totals?
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was

You want it all you say
Just seeing the pros jealously
Ignoring the cons with blinders on
You don’t want it all
Single married renting buying
Ready to travel
About to settle down
Inside outside come around
Who’s that?

It’s my pleasure to introduce you to
Ms. Alotta Greyscale
Regional Vice President        of the
Chiaroscuro Continuum Council

Pick drop clip in clip out
901 5th Avenue entrance
Bike shoes grinding like
Your grandma’s teeth

That’s not pattern baldness
That’s a yarmulke
This isn’t a Dockers commercial
This is the lobby of Two Union
It’s not an after school special
It’s really what messengers do

I copy you thinking that
You’re telling me how it is
I encourage you to continue
To cling to that misconception
If that’s working for you

The grass is always greener
and I’m the guy on the other side
Setting up the sprinklers and
Pushing the lawn mower

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Ex Parte

September 8, 2008

You might be a messenger if you snapped a brake cable last Tuesday and ignored it and you’re still riding it out.

You might be a messenger if your bag falls off the x-ray machine at the courthouse and 45 condoms cascade all over the floor.

You might be a messenger if you haven’t taken a shower for 9 days.

You might be a messenger if you recycle your cans inside the courthouse.

You might be a messenger if turning it inside out is as good as washing it.

You might be a messenger if you can smell free food across town.

You might be a messenger if you get your own elevator.

Monday Vocabulary review:

Campagnolo Italian for “not compatible”

Concierge French for ass kisser

Ex Parte Latin for 4:15pm

Flight Attendant Replacements "waitress in the sky"

Kobe Japanese for “put out your cigarette”

Kybo Iowan for honeybucket

Lincoln Town Car Arabic for glorified taxi cab

Roadmaster  messenger for $2.00

Subpoena Latin for “I got something for you”

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September 8, 2008

this is Molly and this is her story

It's funny how conditioned we are to expect that arrows will lead us in the right direction. That photo was taken the second morning we were in France, at Nimes. I was still incredibly jet lagged and after the 3-hour train ride to the south of France, I was feeling disoriented to say the least. We'd gotten out of the train station and had no map and no idea of where we were heading to check out the finish of the TdF's 13th stage. As we're looking around and I'm trying to figure out a way to ask someone in French where the staging area is, Aaron tells me to turn around: I'd been standing in front of a neon yellow Tour de France sign with an arrow pointing left. A sign from some TdF god? We'll we decided that this must be the way to the finish and walked in the direction of the arrow, getting more and more excited as we passed more and more of the yellow signs. At this point it's around 1 pm and we are cooking in the sun--it's gotta be in the 90s. We've probably walked 3 miles already and seen no end in sight to the arrow signs. This whole time we've been walking away from the city centre and by the time we get directed to highway, I know we can't be going the right way even though we've been following the official neon arrows.

And then it hits me-- this is the right direction...but for the peleton the next day when they leave from Nimes! We finally ask someone where to go and she points us back toward to where we came from. The buses weren't running because of the stage finish and no taxis were in sight so we hoofed it back to the city centre. At that time we were all tired, hungry and cranky and didn't find it all funny that the finish was seriously only a few blocks from the train station!

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jesus built my hotrod

September 7, 2008


I'm not sure about Jesus but I've put in 12 good years at the Elysian, I like beer,  I know who Dave is, I've been to Whitman College and I think Grinnell is better but I like big schooners...


there's a new album/slideshow growing for your own safety on the phot-o-rama page


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this too shall pass

September 7, 2008

I like arrows. I like street signs.  I like slight alterations that yield big changes. I like things that when taken out of context take on a whole new meaning. I like whole new meanings.

This sign was warning drivers that one block ahead at 12th & Denny, it’s right turn only. But after some handiwork from a like-minded Capitol Hill resident, it’s now reassuring all of us that it’s only a fad. Word.

Fixed gear bikes have been around for 120 years. They’re not going anywhere, they just change colors once in a while. If I had a fixed gear this photo would be even better. But it’s a coaster brake. They know it’s not fixed. And I know they know. I know.

Do you know? Email, text message, Nextel direct connect, phone call, fax, certified mail, FedEx, process service, hand delivered via messenger.

Have you tried talking? It’s so two-years-ago.

You might be a messenger if the first 18 pack lasts 12 minutes and the second one never hits the ground.

You might be a messenger if you’re looking for olive oil in your kitchen cabinet but you have to move the sunscreen, massage oil and chain lube to find it.

You might be a messenger if your spine is crooked and all your clothes wear out prematurely in the shoulders and ass.

You might be a messenger if you speak in ten codes to your parents.


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don't mess with Mayberry

September 5, 2008

Friday September 5, 2008    11:27am
Seattle, Washington
5th Avenue at Pike Street

This is one of Seattle’s finest writing a Jaywalking ticket to a young couple with their small child in a stroller. Blocking the right lane of 5th avenue and making a big show of it. The couple was relatively good natured and courteous during the whole ordeal. They were actually incredulous, and maybe just waiting for the camera to walk out with Alan Funt because it was such a bunch of horseshit. I couldn’t hear it all but I watched a lot of it and I was imagining them saying to their kid “look honey this is a Seattle cop, he has nothing better to do. See his moustache, see his big motorcycle, see his sunglasses. Yeah pretend like you respect him for doing his job. Look how he is teaching us a lesson. Look how small Seattle really is. When we get back to Boise we can tell everyone how much horseshit we saw in Seattle”

About 6 minutes earlier this same cop wrote up a messenger with a no-helmet ticket. This messenger was riding from 1601 5th  to 1420 5th with his helmet clipped to his bag. This is literally 1.3 blocks. This messenger could do that ride blindfolded with no hands and one foot on a fixed gear uphill in traffic with six rolls from KPFF to Calison. That is like going to Safeway in flip flops to get a six pack. That is horseshit. Mr. Cop was all inflated after that and ready to take on tourist families for Jaywalking.

When I snapped this photo and walked back to my bike, the guy who was behind the cop started yelling at me about taking his picture. And I said I wasn’t taking his picture I was taking that cop’s picture. And he continued to yell and try to argue calling me a punkass bitch and lots of other things. All I could do was laugh because it was only 11:30am.

About six hours later Chief Kerlikowske was riding around the sidewalks of the core fully kitted out in SPD gear. It’s a great to get the Chief of Police on the street riding a mountain bike. Right on. It won’t get us out of Mayberry but it’s a nice gesture.

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José can you see?

September 5, 2008


have you signed the petition to get it on the ballot?
Because in Seattle we've got nothing better to do "there should be a law"
telling us what to do when to do it and how much it will cost

Have a nice trip, see you next fall
G-dog and Pham are off for a couple months of world travel

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bacon grease keeps the rain out

September 3, 2008

Conversation gets the word out
Agitation gets the dirt out
Legislation gets the herd out

Repetition gets… ...boring

Hey I’m getting on an elevator
I’m about to lose you

yeah sorry I’m not a people person
this is my Aunt GunShy
and Uncle HairTrigger
Oh and oh yeah and my cousins
The boy who cried wolf   and
The girl from Ipanema

We’ll meet up around 2 at the aviary
teriyaki beef jerky
spicy chicken yakisoba
beef & bean burritos
half a pound of Jo Jos
just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale

addiction   distraction
addition   subtraction
plus minus good bad yin yang on off
positive negative
attractive repulsive
meanwhile have another beer


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bored to tears

September 3, 2008

going off-road with those big cross tires?

Yeah, going on the sidewalk.


I shouldn‘t complain


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utility cycling

September 2, 2008

 John Marshall Mantel photoThe New York Times

read more about   Ho in NYC    in today's New York Times

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manual Labor Day

September 1, 2008

At any given moment, there’s a good chance you’ll find Skunk sleeping soundly in the closet atop an old DANK bag that contains another DANK bag that contains a PAC bag that contains a Timbuk 2 bag. And that sums up my messenger career.

Skunk is sleeping so well because she’s in it for the long haul. Minor fluctuations, disturbances, trends, booms, busts, changes, people, companies, careers. She’s seen them come. She’s seen them go. She’s seen the big picture.

Or maybe she’s sleeping so well because that’s all she does.

You make it a point
to buy organic locally grown produce
but lately you’ve been discouraged because
it’s such a pain in the ass to find parking

You make me kind of sick
Go buy bike
Go by bike
Good bye car

It’s not that easy?
it is that easy
It comes in waves phases layers
Stratigraphy chronology history
Do you see?
Optician Optometrist Ophthalmologist
anthropologist artist cyclist
You get the gist

If you fix other people’s bikes
Does it help your bike karma?
If you steal other people’s bikes
Does it hurt your bike karma?





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you're on my right

August 31, 2008


Pull out a postcard
Not enough for a letter
Try a text message
Safer than a phone call

Once more with feeling
I don’t want one
I want both

Give ‘em an inch and
they’ll take 2.54 cm
Call it even, you’re square
perpendicular right angle

Perfectly acceptable even admirable
A full bar in your office
Discouraged frowned upon  illegal
A beer in my office

That’s not an empty promise
It’s the promise of an empty page
an empty cup an empty bar
As glamorous as a Quonset hut
appetizing as discarded dental floss

Pushing circles into squares
Brake pads rubbing tires low chain dry
Dehydrated toasted twice over
Just over that hill there’s
One more hill

If you want something done right
then do it right

On your left, he said
In a roundabout Seattle way
Clearly he was on my right
passively asking me to say
On your left  as I passed him

But I didn’t I don’t I wouldn’t I won’t

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brass nipples

August 30, 2008

 Ode to Uniform Spoke Tension

What it is
What it was
What it could be

A cheap set of tires can
Make a great wheel set feel like shit

A janky wheel set can
Make a solid frame feel hoopty

There is nothing like
The feel of a tight new frame

Years of full time messenger work can
Turn a steel frame into a noodle
I’m eating pasta salad
What do you get when you mix the WSU marching band, Critical Mass and a Seahawks game?
If you can figure out how to save the Alaskan Way Viaduct
I bet you could figure out how to take the stairs

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after further review...

August 29, 2008

I think Mr. Chris Murray took this photo.

and Mr. Dan Murray sent me this link about

Mr. Ian picklejuicestrongestriderintheworld

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throw me down the stairs my hat

August 28, 2008

--TreeBeard photo

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blood alcohol level

August 28, 2008

Working closely with product engineers on a new Messenger Cycling Computer. While they are working feverishly to get a prototype out in time for Interbike, I’m not too worried about it because I was paid a healthy sum long ago for my consultant role and the money is in the bank, or it was.

This computer will appear to the untrained eye, to be just like any other cycling computer. However in addition to the basic functions it will monitor a number of messenger-specific concerns.

Once it is properly calibrated for wheel size, body weight, metabolism, age, legal messenger experience and dispatch style, functions will include the following:

Average speed, top speed
Time in the saddle
Heart rate
Blood alcohol level
Power output
Stress Level
Misdirected anger
Time standing by
Total tags
Time sleeping
Money earned
Money spent
Police presence indicator
Caloric output
Caloric intake
GPS locator
Bad routing warning
Nextel direct connect

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bratwurst bikes beer

August 28, 2008

It was like a party before and after an alleycat, but there was no alleycat, just the party.

And that's the way it was 

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she tied you to her kitchen chair

August 27, 2008

Walking towards the door
Patting myself down
Feeling for things - essentials
Keys lock phone helmet bag pants keys
Sending out signals like a 3rd base coach
To imaginary base runners
Zoned out but in the zone
How many times have I ridden down this hill
On the way to work
Many many many many times
Timing on the lights changes as the day goes on

Entering the door
Taking a sip from the fountain
Like a dip in the holy water at the church entrance
Not so much thirst as routine or superstition
Not religion in a organized group timely way
Same time different day

Seamlessly fluidly flowing
Between fantasy and reality
Between the sidewalk and the street
On the smoothest handi ramps ever     ever

Visualize white shoes after labor day
A change of scenery
A change of pace
A change in the weather
Same city different job
Same job different city
The grass is always greener
The smell of grass stained football season
That back-to-school feeling
Back to school for an MBA
Seeking tangible results
More digits on the paycheck
But I’d prefer an MFA
more words written on the page
more digits in the debt column
Neither will get me a barbacking job
At a bar I’d rather be in front of

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RAGBRAI continued

August 26, 2008

hundreds and hundreds more RAGBRAI photos here

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party pizzas

August 25, 2008

A firm handshake, eye contact and a smile are more important to me than a written contract or any paperwork you can come up with. But you just took a wicked shit and ran out of the men’s room with out washing your hands. Have a nice day Mr. Big Shot Attorney, I’m glad I don’t have to shake your hand.

Potato salad sandwiches. Open face bagel melts smothered in pasta salad. Baked potatoes topped with potato chips. Cold spaghetti wrapped in a tortilla. Why would I drink low carb beer? That’s like eating an entire cheesecake and sipping a non-fat latte. That’s like eating 4 Big Macs with fries and sipping a diet coke. That’s like low alcohol whiskey. Don’t get me wrong. I can drink Milwaukee’s Best Light all day long. I’ll drink Busch Light because it’s on sale. I will not go out of my way and pay more money for Michelob Ultra because it’s got less carbs but I‘d like to think I can still live life to the ultra.

Appetite suppressant, nutritional supplement, social lubricant.
Sports recovery drink, breath freshener, attitude adjustment.
Lunch, snack, on the go      anytime.
Got beer?
Beer it’s what’s for dinner.
Beer it’s not just for breakfast anymore. 


You think your job sucks? Think your boss sucks?

Email your story to pilderwasser@msn.com and
it will be cut & pasted -as is-

after you read some of these stories, you won’t feel so bad.


8-27-8 anonymous

Whenever i try to explain how bad this one company i used to work at and specifically the scumbag who owned and ran the company i usually tell this story. At the first messenger company in seattle I worked at there was this really quiet driver. he never spoke to anyone and everyone left him alone. At the same time there was an older lady driver, which at the time was novel to me since most drivers i'd met were male. What was also unusual about her was that she wasn't very good at the job and obviously disliked it yet still kept trying to do it. Eventually i had to quit to go back to my home state and when i got back a year or two later i asked about them. It turns out that the older lady was the quiet driver's mother and had gotten the job to find out what the relationship between the company's owner and her son was. Apparently the owner had found the poor guy homeless and offered him the driving job in trade for a place to stay. His mother wound up suing the owner for  not only not paying her son a salary but also stealing his disabilty or social security checks (i can't remember which) and sexual assault.

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turkey pot pie

August 25, 2008

you forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful
Mr. Toothaker told me about 2,865 stolen bikes on Friday. But I couldn’t find it online. Then last night I was sitting at the bar, staring at the wall and Michael walked up to me and handed me the NY Times from Friday and pointed out the same article. Wow. What does that mean? That means it’s worth reading.


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easy cheese

August 23, 2008


I think therefore I die -- I think therefore I am born -- Let me be void still -- Like a happy child lost in a sudden dream and when his buddy addresses him he doesn’t hear, his buddy nudges him he doesn’t move; finally seeing the purity and truth of his trance the buddy watches in wonder -- you can never be that pure again, and jump out of such trances with a happy gleam of love, being an angel in the dream

Jack Kerouac
Desolation Angels

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go your own way

August 23, 2008

the first person to bring me one of these signs, gets a pilderwasser T-shirt

if you bring a metal one with the green arrows, that's a bonus 



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another foot soldier in General Malaise's Army

August 22, 2008

Come Monday, it'll be alright

All the healthy attitude, pleasant outlook, discipline, motivation and goal oriented focus found briefly over the weekend, wore off by Monday afternoon. By Wednesday, swimming in a fog, staring at an extra large indifference salad with a side of malaise. But by Friday things don’t seem so bad.

Everyone has their own ways to avoid the bummer life

It’s all in what you focus on. If you choose to ignore something, you’re just aiming your focus on something else. Pay attention, ignore, drown out, eat more Cheetos, smoke another pack, suppress it, repress it, displace it, deal with it, distract, go for a walk or view through the bottom of a pint glass. 220...221...whatever it takes.

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August 21, 2008

sub-pop photo

thanks for the shirt Sam. I like kittens but what's the the rmals?


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puppies & kittens

August 20, 2008

reconnected with an old friend today outside 1001. He kept sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking as if he wanted something in my bag. I gave him a few peanuts but I think he was more interested in the remnants of a tuna sandwich from a sloppy day camp kid that had lunch in the same spot earlier.

Holding a few Kings, standing by and by.
Electronic filing is taking a bite out of business and idle hands are tools of the brewing company. So I decided to make a list. Then I could go back and check it twice and feel like I accomplished something. It all started when a truck drove by claiming to be an expert gutter cleaner.

Gutter cleaner, leaf blower, weed whacker, grave digger, dog walker, chain tensioner, house painter, divorce lawyer, downtube shifter, hair straightener, left handed putter, art history professor, Honjo fender, Christian Science Monitor, Des Moines Register, baggage handler, beautiful bartender, 3-ring binder, Seattle Legal driver, KnR courier, ABC legal messenger, friendly reminder, backed up sewer, lilac honeysuckle conditioner, play-by-play announcer, designated hitter, pure shooter, left-footed midfielder, outside linebacker, allstar centerfielder, barefooted kicker, sure handed receiver, yoga instructor, puppies & kittens calendar, permanent marker, pawnshop DVD player, mortgage broker, investment banker, meat tenderizer, potato peeler, cherry pitter, apple corer, boring copywriter, hot candy striper, burned out stripper, underwater basket weaver, angry vengeful dispatcher, Texas Instruments calculator, two way pager, smoke jumper, fuzzy pink pipe cleaner, train conductor, cat shit scooper, fingernail polish remover, wedding singer, sleazy photographer, small-time silk screener, 4 D battery vibrator

End of list.

hey Kevin, why didn't you get the red one? 

Seattle traffic is a delicate little ecosystem, easily upset by the slightest change in its surrounding environment or the most subtle disturbance. A sporting event, visiting dignitary, political protesters, road construction or just a dead pigeon in the street. Traffic chokes to a halt, flow ceases and the arteries are blocked. At times walking is faster than driving. And most of the time in the core a bike is the way to go. Like dickstank said, "bike messengers are like helpful parasites, easing constipation in the bowels of the city." 

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August 19, 2008

this time it's for real

until next time

The pendulum keeps swinging. Eventually it will catch up and pass you.
But don’t worry, you’ll catch it on the way back. Or just sit and wait for it.

tonight will be fine


Please, can I just get some advice?

You might be a messenger (or a dispatcher) if you wake up somewhere sometime fully clothed or completely naked at home or in a strange place and you blink your eyes a few times trying to focus on a digital clock. But instead of seeing time you see an address: 10:01 - 6:35 - 21:01 - 9:09 - 11:11 - 14:20 - 3:33 - 6:06 - 4:25

it's all fun and games until somebody poops their pants

On a rainy day following a long string of sun, one tends to be underdressed.
On a sunny day following a long string of rain, one tends to be overdressed.
On and on. So it goes

Water proof.
It keeps the rain out and it keeps the sweat in.
Would you rather be soaked in rain or soaked in sweat?

Water resistant. Breathable.
It doesn’t really keep the rain out and it sort of lets the sweat out.
Half-assing it both ways just might be better than fully committing one way

middle of the road milquetoast

Would you rather wear a Rock Racing team kit or a Candy Striper Uniform?

you can only choose one and you must wear it to work all day long

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hold the pickles, hold the lettuce

August 17, 2008

Special orders don't upset "us" 

We’ll be right over
No problem
We’ll pick it up in less than a minute and
We’ll have it delivered in less than 10
with a smile
It’s a round trip?
No problem
It’s 36 bankers boxes?
No problem
It’s rural Whatcom County?
No problem
It’s after 6:30pm?
No problem at all


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grass stains

August 16, 2008

love stinks

August 15, 2008

you love her
 but she loves him
 and he loves somebody else
you just can't win 

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steady as she goes

August 14, 2008

Windows that don't open
recycled air conditioned elevator music
reflected diluted sedated in the glass
That’s not possible.
Those streets run parallel
Anything is possible
It’s not reality. It’s poetry.
Are you kidding me?
Meet me on the corner of Pike and Pine
I can be there in a matter of minutes
Just because you can’t make sense of it
Is it all nonsense?
If 35 people read this sentence
And 34 of them thought it was horseshit
That’d be fine with me
if the 35th one smiled and said yes
Yes. Right on. It’s all worth it
If I can get Bill Strickland’s attention
I’m honored. Thank you.

Wednesday was a whacking day
Today is my Thursday
If we met on Facebook
It’d be a Tupperware lunch date and
Her preparation might be intimidating
With both hands on the hands-free headset
The green carpeted bike lane fueled
An even greater false sense of security
Wicked green pebble impregnated road rash
An industrial sized tub of Ogden Murphy breath mints
Wouldn’t be enough

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honky tonk

August 13, 2008

I’ll take six of one, half dozen of the other and couple of those too.

56 once told me, if the Rolling Stones are playing in the background, pay attention, something important is about to happen.

Seattle PI - Mike Kane photo  

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August 13, 2008

I wouldn't want your job on a day like this

August 12, 2008

here's Bill, high atop Mt. Monadnock in New Hampshire
Mind your Ps and Qs

stacked up jacked up stored up saved up pent up
until you’re finally ready to say something
take a shot at making sense of it
not all of it at least some of it

Ready to decant the incantation
Revealing a revelation --rarely
Replaying the theme song --likely
Repeating the mantra --repeatedly
Retracing the habit trail --understandably

Once in a while the same old ingredients
yield a new interesting concoction

or maybe you’re just hungry

Let’s not put all our eggs on one bridge
That’s all water under the basket

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Dear Abbey

August 11, 2008

7:45am - Friday July 25, 2008 - North Liberty, Iowa

Approaching 8:00am on a Friday. Most of North America was going to work, about to get up for work or was already at work.  But in the RAGBRAI zone here’s what was happening at this moment in the pilderwasser collective:

Left over fried rice. Half full/Half empty beer. Gatorade. Soy sauce. Cell phone. Becky’s jug of vodka.  Abbey’s diet Mountain Dew. All resting neatly atop Jason (the cooler) half full/half empty with ice cold Old Style Light. To your right you’ll find a box of Triscuits and a Triscuits box full of summer sausage from the previous night (see cutting board and knife) You’d have to reach in one or the other to know which is which. Seated just behind Jason you see Abbey in her ruby slippers, with a very nice digital camera taking very nice digital photos in the very nice Iowa morning. In the near distance you see a chamois tree that was decorated with chamois the night before. A little further back Old Glory, flapping in the wind,  illuminated all night and day with its own dedicated spotlight. All of this was taking place on lush green grass in a park in North Liberty, Iowa.

The citizens in RAGBRAI were feeling good, having a ball and heading into their last full day and night of the seven day fiesta. The citizens in the rest of the world had no clue what was really going on in RAGBRAI.


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August 11, 2008

would you pay $30 for a beer hat (plus shipping) made from a 12 pack

or would you prefer to buy a 12 pack for $7.49, drink it and then put the empty box on your head.

Yesterday I got a 30 pack of Beast for $13.99. Drink that and the empty box would look good on anybody.

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business as usual

August 10, 2008

Why does the nausea seem to hit me in the face when the elevator doors close? This stagnant little cube of office building air is not helping me locate my coordinates in the no-man’s land between drunk and hung-over. But at least I’m not sharing this one with a herd of loud talking backslapping officetrons trying to one-up each other with tales of conspicuous weekend consumption. Stay on the sunny side, always on the sunny side…yeah right. A 42 story elevator ride is plenty of time to shed a layer or two because that ride into town always makes me feel overdressed. It’s because my apartment is so cold which leads to donning too many layers for the downhill bomb into base. And then when pedaling is required it gets too hot. Whatever. I think I’m still drunk. They said this delivery is office service but it’s a Federal subpoena and obviously it should be process service. The date on the messenger slip is five months old there‘s no suite number and they don‘t even know how to fill out the slip. Do you want me to do it right or do you want me to do what you say? I know you don’t know what you’re doing but I also know how to play the game. And I know you will try and change your mind and blame me next week when the attorney blames you. But most importantly I know how to cover my ass. Rubber stamp this. I don’t feel so good. Maybe I should take off this sweater. Maybe I need to take a shit. Maybe I’m closer to hung-over than drunk. I took a shower but I wonder if I smell like beer. If I had eaten some food yesterday would I feel better right now? Maybe I should try drinking water once in a while. I‘ve heard some good things about water. I’m ditching this sweater…oh of course now the elevator stops. On 38. It’s the FedEx woman. I like her. She’s just going up to 39 but she’s sort of attractive in an interesting I‘d-like-to-take-your-clothes-off kind of way. I’m glad I didn’t have all my shirts all the way off when the doors opened. Just another disaster avoided. Another hair-raising close call in the dangerous reckless tattooed pierced rebellious misfit life of a bike messenger. Whatever. Been that. Done there. A few hundred times. I’m still drunk. What time is it?


Thanks to Treebeard, who told me about this video today
Thanks to Erik Jahnz who sent me this photo a couple years ago.


Process Service at 603 Stewart
actual conversation:

I’m pretty busy here, do you need something?

No I just have a subpoena for you.

How do you know it’s for me?

Because I’ve been here before  (About 25 times, your name is on the door you grumpy old CPA you‘re the only one here and you‘re so served)


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it was as big as a whale

August 10, 2008

CMWC in DC, the Vietnam War nurses sculpture 3:30am September 5, 1998

The Big House coffee table Grinnell, Iowa on a spring night in 1991

Cal Anderson Park Seattle 3:30pm August 9, 2008

Arches National Park 9:30 am March 1990

Dust Bunny Hunting 6:07pm August 9, 2008

Take a bunch of photos spanning 20 years, put them in wooden box and shake it up. Then pull out 5 photos and put them in a row. What does it all mean? It means whatever you want it to mean. It means yesterday. It means 18 years ago. It means Cycle Messenger World Championships. It means dust bunnies. It means Boone’s Farm and ruffled shirts. It means it’s a photo essay.

That was now. This is then.

There’s a little slideshow for Mr. Daniel E. Murray starting on the phot-o-rama page. Because we had us a Fury as big as a whale, and it set sail all over the Southwest back in 1990. Visualize cooking hotdogs on the hood of the car in a liquor store parking lot in Reno. Imagine dancing in the sunset off I-80 clutching two peanut butter sandwiches. Throwing rocks in Moab and sunbathing in Salt Lake. The brakes went out in Sacramento, the windshield wipers never worked.

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don't stop believing

August 8, 2008

no photoshop here. don't play that game

this shot was taken at 5th & Pike this afternoon

If you stand around long enough the background changes

Free range fish in a fennel cream sauce
Herb roasted red potatoes
Asparagus spears with a twist of lemon

and a milkshake


a singer in a smokey room

the smell of wine and cheap perfume

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easy on the ebb

August 8, 2008

ebb & flow

peak & trough

compression & rarefaction

amplitude wavelength frequency



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August 7, 2008

How many times do you think Alor has been to Foster Pepper?

It’s a number that cannot be computed.
An incomprehensible figure.
The equivalent of a theoretical unknown.

Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan could mull it over.

Call from Foster!
Do you copy Foster?
Call me on the phone from Foster!!!


One more time around
might do it
play it again

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is that a pickle roll in your hand

August 6, 2008


What if you wore a white bike helmet, a Credit Agricole cycling cap and a reddish shirt to work on Wednesday August 6? And what if you were dispatched a pickup at One Union at 11:27am? And what if you saw a couple other messengers doing the same thing at the same time on the same day?

One of these kids is not like the others…or maybe all of these kids are just like the others.



Onions & honey
Pickles & cool whip
Garlic & massage oil

yes & yes again

so what

a bruise on my ass
near my back pocket
looks surprisingly similar to
an ass-pocket U lock

Who knew?

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we'd like to help you learn to help yourself

August 6, 2008

Dank Nextel Coozie.

Once again the guys at DANK have produced a winner. Multitasking efficiency. Keep your finger on the button, keep your hand on the beer. Stand the-fuck by with confidence in style.

Did you get the memo?


August 6, 2008

To:         You

From:     The Man

Subject: Consumer Confidence

Due to rising fuel costs, everything in your life is now more expensive.

Due to rising fuel costs, you will not receive a cost-of-living pay increase this year or next year or the next.

Suck it up.

koo koo ka choo Mrs. Robinson

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happy birthdays

August 4, 2008

Dog days
Cat walks
Fish heads

Happy feet
Jazz hands
Lady fingers

Road trips
Room mates
Bunk beds

Sports bras
Jock straps
Athletes feet

Sharp cheddars
Dull conversations
Worn-out relationships

Horizontal stripes
Lateral moves
Glass houses

Tall boys
Road masters
Wine coolers

Bar tenders
Binge drinkers
Bike messengers

Wear a helmet
Wear a condom
Wear a seatbelt
Wear a lifejacket
Wear bright colors
Wear sunscreen
Where do we go

Where do we go now?

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August 4, 2008


Sunday afternoon bikes, blue angels, beer and baseball

Is it raining? 

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live life to the Ultra

August 2, 2008

One more for the road

One for you and two for me
One if by land two if by sea
buy one get one free

I’m on your left
You’re on my right
pheromone turn signals bright light

It’s not about gas prices
It’s not about the environment
that light was red and so is this one

red Port green Starboard
Left, right? right
On board overboard or just bored

Dorsal ventral bilateral
Top to bottom collateral
Forward pass not lateral

Take that to the bank and smoke it
sawed-off shotgun subtlety
Recount includes absentee
just so we're clear on this
are we clear on this

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eight one eight

August 1, 2008

easy like Friday morning 

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let's call the whole thing off

July 31, 2008

You say tomato. I say clamato
You say potato. I say burrito
You say honey bucket. I say kybo

You say nonfat decaf. I say what’s the point?
You say low carb beer. I say you’re kidding me
You say human relations. I say bullshit.

You say career. I say inertia.
You say maturity. I say restraint.
You say 401k. I say what day is it?

You say electronic filing? I say it’s about time.
You say college fund. I say get a job.
You say purple crayon. I say scribble away

You say are you my Bucky? I say are you my Becky?
You say sky lobby. I say floor 40.
You say double rush. I say whatever

You say antioxidants. I say box of wine
You say responsibility. I say repeat the question

You say hey. I say ho.

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July 30, 2008

I don't know where I'm going...

...but I sure know where I've been.

If you missed RAGBRAI this year, or even if you didn’t and just want to relive the experience, a good place to start would be this song or try this song too. Then try both at the same time. Place the speakers on a friends bike, turn the volume up too high and have them ride by you a few times so you can experience a the Doppler Effect. Repeat as needed. Then take a nip of this

I need to take a moment to thank Jimbo for everything including the care of our team bus in Grinnell during the “off season” and especially for the storage of my bike. For 357 days my RB-1 sat idle in Jim’s basement. When I arrived in Grinnell the day before RAGBRAI, I retrieved it, scraped the mold off the saddle and handlebars, put air in the tires, lubed the chain and rode it across Iowa without any mechanical issues at all. At the end of the ride I put the old Bridgestone back in Jim’s basement for another 51 weeks of safe keeping. This storage has already saved me $400 dollars in would-be shipping costs to and from Seattle and lots of potential damage from UPS or DHL drivers. Thanks Jim.

You know it was a good vacation when you return to work and can’t remember where anything is. Client names sound funny. Addresses are meaningless and time deadlines seem pointless. The dispatcher said “noon deadline” and I just laughed. I hadn’t really looked at a clock for almost two weeks. (airport clocks don’t count) My responsibilities consisted of putting my clothes on and riding my bike to the next town. The coffee beer continuum was out the window, off the hook, off the chain, in the RAGBRAI zone.

Now I am expected to be certain places on time and play by the rules. Strapped to a Nextel once again.


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zooted out

July 29, 2008



this is Ian

this is Ian's bike

Ian is one of the memorable characters from RAGBRAI this year. He bought a Schwinn cruiser at a thrift store for $30 and rode it across Iowa. But he didn’t just ride it, he rode the shit out of it. He’s one of the strongest riders I’ve ever seen. If he was on a road bike he could have completed the route twice with the amount of power he put into the pedals of that cruiser.

Ian spent the nights wherever he ended up, because he carried all his own gear, which consisted of a jacket, a sleeping pad and a seemingly endless supply of Yerba Mate and hot water.

Ian has an amazing outlook on life and it was mpossible not to laugh when you spoke with him. We encountered him daily along the route and made him an honorary member of the collective. As you can see he’s sporting a pilderwasser sticker on his thermos.

In this pass-through town Ian appeared with a stack of ham, some cream cheese and a jar of pickles. He made pickle rolls for everyone, including second servings for a couple local kids. When the pickles ran out he topped off the jar of juice with a bottle of rum and passed it around.

Ride on Ian.

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rider off

July 28, 2008

Just got home from an epic journey. The bike ride across Iowa was great. The airline travel to and from Iowa sucked. After a 9 hour layover in DFW the first thing I did upon arrival back in Seattle this morning was call in “jacked up” and take another day off work. Then as soon as I got home I hung up a 10’ x 3’ Michelob Ultra RAGBRAI banner in my apartment. A member of the pilderwasser collective liberated it from a beer garden somewhere last week. It’s off-gassing like a cheap shower curtain but it sure looks good.

There’s no I in team. There’s one I in pilderwasser.
Pillow officer. Pillow biter. Pussy whistle. Pisser water.

Whatever. it’s a collective.

My bed, no my bad, no it’s my bed.
I haven’t slept in my own bed since July 17.
489 miles on a bike across Iowa.
489 cans of cheap beer consumed.
I’m exhausted.
Who knew??

I brought home about 100 photos from the Iowa adventures and perhaps 33 of them are worth sharing here. And I plan to share them on a new RAGBRAI photo page then a slide show and maybe I’ll regurgitate a few anecdotes too. When Dan sets up a remote server, we can link to a fiesta of 3000 photos from many people over the past 4 years. Stay tuned


Theres flies in the kybo I can hear em there buzzing
I aint done nothing since I woke up today
How the hell can a person ride a bike in the morning
All the way to the evening with no beer along the way

Tent cities sprouting, 20,000 cyclists camping, team bus choking, carburetor flaming, fire extinguishing, electric fuel pump installing.

rain pattering, temperature dropping, lightening cracking, wind blowing, thunderstorm warning, storm shelter taking (or not)… zippers zipping, tent poles chopsticking, charter service yelling, early risers leaving while pilderwasser is still sleeping.

Tires deflating, floor pumping, tubes exploding, pedals turning, spokes popping, gears shifting, cross chaining, derailleurs rubbing, bob trailer stereos blaring in pace lines drafting.

Perineum pressing, bike shorts revealing, lumbar vertebrae glistening, skin sunburning, chamois buttering, bag balming, hands numbing, knees throbbing, pain killers working, sweaty sunscreen dripping into eyes watering.

Tacos walking, pork pulling, loose meating, tender loining, corn cobbing, pie al la moding, intestines gurgling, butterscotch pudding extruding into kybo over cooking.

Jason filling, Jason emptying, beer cans spangling, coozies sweating, water bottles depleting, dehydrating, gatorading, pilderwasser reconvening for beer store reloading, refueling, relaxing.

State Troopers closing, beer gardens emptying, fireflies twinkling, bull frogs croaking, blinky lights blinking into another day RAGBRAI-ing 2008.


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time out <<<<<>>>>> I'm out

July 17, 2008

Register’s Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa RAGBRAI

a little bit of this

a bit of that

and a whole lot of this

Call it a vacation if that makes you feel better. I call it a busman’s holiday. Leaving my bike messenger job to spend a week riding a bike across Iowa. But it’s not just a bike ride. It’s a party. It’s a circus of 15,000 cyclists. It’s a road trip on bikes from the Missouri River to the Mississippi. It’s an annual convention, meeting up with old friends, friends I haven’t seen since the last time I was in Iowa. Once again I encourage all of you to experience RAGBRAI if you ever get a chance to take a week off in late July. There is nothing on earth quite like it.

The messenger lifestyle is ideal training for enjoying RAGBRAI to the fullest. Consistently consuming large quantities of beer and inconsistently consuming large quantities of food. A lot of people can ride a bike. Not a lot of people can hop back on their bike after consuming a Bimbo’s Burrito and two pitchers of Rainier and keep it together or hold it down. Who can eat the Zum Zum special in 7 minutes? The messenger can.

When the calendar turns June into July, it’s time to really focus and get serious. Listening to Steve Miller’s Greatest Hits a few times a week seems to help as does applying chapstick SPF 15 or higher. As you taper down your training in the final days before the big week, interval training your alcohol consumption will payoff in beer gardens all across the state of Iowa.

I’ll be back in about 10 days.

until then…
No Bluetooth. No Blackberry. No blogging. No bullshit.
But there will be plenty of beer bagels bananas bicycles and beautiful women on bicycles drinking beer.



for real

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you got what I need

July 16, 2008

 and  you say he's just a friend

nice line Ritchie... nice work TreeBeard
proper bike fit is essential

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July 15, 2008

some things go right
some things go wrong
some things just go
They just go along

routine - route - rote - rut

A close call on wet tracks
A dropped chain
A series of flats

A stuck elevator
A bad address
An angry cop

An overpriced tofu burrito
A plastic cactus
A really sick cat

A mispronounced name
A missed connection
A long layover

A punch in the gut
A slap in the face
A kick in the ass

Just a handshake and a smile can be
an amazing conversation
an unspoken communication

CAUTION: The use of an eye-opener to remove blinders has proven to be painful in some humans and may result in a new perspective

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Bhy Kracke

July 13, 2008

Cool Guy Park

Saturday in the park, I think it was the 12th of July. Nice day for a bike ride or a bike race. Jace put on a good show with the Mind of the Eccentric alley cat. I worked the 300 East Pike checkpoint and the day was so nice that I left a note with the bartender and moved my checkpoint to a park one block down the street. The first six racers caught me at the bar and didn’t lose any time rerouting. The next six however had to find Pilderwasser at Plymouth Pillars Park for the performance of a notorial act.  

Stops included Bhy Kracke Park, Civic Plaza, Smith Cove Park, Discovery Park and Freeway Park. I think Craig won the race but it was hard to keep track of the action from my perspective Perhaps I can post the results when I get them from a race official.  Didn’t make it to the finish line either but I made it all the way to Cool Guy Park.

March 12, 2008

April 24, 2008

July 12, 2008

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seven eleven

July 11, 2008

Hop-on Hop-off
What if you gave it all you had. Put everything in. All of it into the drive-side pedal as you pulled up on the bars to drop off a very large curb from the sidewalk because you got pinched by an SUV turning left back at the last intersection. And what if from your big energy investment all you got in return was a dropped chain. Leaving you and your inertia all up and over the bars and sending you to meet Pike street face first fast… genuflecting hard, harder than you ever did before. your right knee sucking up most of it and your hands able to hold your face up off the road and you thought your were fine until your fully-loaded messenger bag came up a split second later and cracked the whip on the back of your head. Bummer dude.

125mm Salsa stem supporting a 40 pound file box
Nestled “safely” in the cockpit between my elbows
With a nudge from a knee here and there
Ready for takeoff. The flight path looks clear and
when it’s all downhill bulk jobs aren’t so bad
But I suggest taping the lid down

Where have you been all my winters?
Where have all the layers gone? long time passing beneath waterproof shells and sweaters I didn’t see you but I can see clearly now the rain has gone and I can see clearly now how hot you are.
Yes it is summer in Seattle

Copenhagen that’s in Denmark right?
Copenhagen that’s in the back pocket of your 501s
Who put the dip in your lip da dip da lip

Altostratus cumulus cumulonimbus
We sure could use an economic stimulus
The check is in the mail. The money however cannot be possessed or owned, just gently redirected. Try to get a firm grip and it passes through the fingers like fine dry sand. When Chad bought a nipple driver onesie from me he met me at the bar and handed me a $20. I handed him $5 and he one-touched it off to Cory to buy a coozie. The $20 landed briefly on the table before it was quickly redirected into the local economy paying off the bartender.

It’s amazing what people can accomplish
when they don’t have a choice
It’s amazing how annoying people can be
when they’re given a choice

I’ll take another beer and a black bean burger with bacon
swiss cheese, fries and a side of alliteration

I went 4 for 6
In baseball I’d be batting 667
But what you hear me saying is
I bought a six-pack and only gave 2 away

Seven Eleven
My knee hurts but
I have to say it was a good day

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visualize 800 5th

July 10, 2008

it is what you think it is

stop here on red 

this must be the place


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what we have here is

July 10, 2008

It rubs the grease on its rails
or else it gets the squeak again
The squeaky wheel gets the grease

The squeaky saddle gets annoying
here's to turning 20 (twenty years old) 


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you want some of this

July 9, 2008

this time it's for real

 Sponsors include:

Counterbalance Bicycles
Mobius Cycles
20/20 cycles

That’s right Bro

around 11:50am southbound 5th Avenue near Pike Street.

Busses pull over to pick people up. That’s what busses do. Bike messengers go around stopped busses. That’s what bike messengers do.

A bus stopped in the right lane and I went around it, still in my lane, cruising in the 2 or 3 foot gap. No big deal. Happens all the time. But I guess it made the guy in the center lane nervous so he honked at me. I put out my left hand palm-up wondering what he was honking at. Then he pulled up next to me and yelled “the rules of the road apply to you too.” and I said “that’s right Bro” as I knocked on the passenger door of his large SUV three times with enthusiasm. Because I didn’t break any rules and I was in a hurry to file at the courthouse by noon.

When I touched his vehicle he got a little more fired up and shadowed me up 5th to about Seneca when he yelled “you see these lights?” and I just kept riding because I didn’t see any lights, riding only two feet from the side of his car I didn‘t notice much except that he might pin me into the next bus that‘s was stopped ahead.

Then he really starts yelling “Hey! Hey! You see this? PULL OVER” and he flashes his badge. I saw his badge and then I noticed his moustache. Then I finally stopped and got off my bike at 5th & Madison mostly worried about not making my noon filings. I didn’t say a word, just looked at the ground and feigned the respect that this law enforcement official seeks in his daily work life.

But officer unmarked SUV never got out of the car. He just yelled at me some more about rules of the road and then drove away. That was no SPD officer, I guess he was some sort of bullshit Federal Cop or maybe he was a Podunk detective from Chehalis that had never seen a bike messenger ride in traffic. The unmarked Seattle SUVs are obviously cop cars with all the do-dads and accessories. It was just a silver SUV with an angry moustache behind the wheel.

I made my court filings with copies to the judge’s mailroom by 11:58am.

I’ve been honked at and yelled at more in the last two weeks than in all of the last year. Is it because my riding style has changed? Hell no. If anything I’m slower and more cautious in my old age and I have a healthy respect for most motorists.

I think it’s because of rising gas prices.


Bike Messengers

helping the rich get richer since 1896

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same time different day

July 8, 2008

How many dispatchers does it take
to screw up a light bulb?

At least two.

One to take the call, nail down the details, get the ball rolling and then walk away for a long lunch break leaving everyone hanging because they didn't tell anyone what’s going on. Then one or more to try and step in and pick up the pieces.

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Where y'all from?

July 7, 2008

Predictable, reliable, accessible, comfortable
like a chicken Caesar salad
It’s better not to get too comfortable, overconfident or cocky. Continually playing the home field advantage, retracing the old habit trails. Playing big fish in the same old pond where everybody knows your name. You’re a badass back home but we’re not in Kansas anymore. Just like going out for a ride and getting a beer in a bar in Enumclaw or Cle Elum can be an eye opener, taking a digger once in a while can be good for you. It doesn’t have to be a full-on agony-of-defeat smash up. Even a slow motion keel over on the sidewalk does the trick. Or a drunken fall on top of a friends bike right in the doorway of your favorite bar will humble you for a while. A wake-up call from gravity is a good thing. A gentle reminder of who’s really in charge here. A little road rash souvenir to take back and show your friends.

Learned helplessness
Government worker syndrome
Cruising on auto pilot
Remember there’s always a manual override option
Use it
You don’t have to read the instruction manual but
Figure it out

Self contained. Self sufficient. Independent.
Like bike touring across the country with two panniers
As opposed to
a fully-supported ride from one bed & breakfast to another

Two great tastes that taste great together
Tequila and Asparagus
Who needs a lime

when you can down a shot and bite into a pickled spear of asparagus
You smelled it here first

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what we talk about when we talk about what

July 7, 2008

One for you. Two for me.


3 sweaters on 3 speeds


When you look good you feel good
nothing looks better than a hand-knit sweater
On a bicycle


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we wanna be free to do what we wanna do

July 4, 2008

Wishing you and yours the very best this Holiday

Yesterday I got a little RAGBRAI interval training in with Mr. Jonny Sundt when he happened to “step into my office”


Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house
I go

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Back Off, I got a sharrow here

July 2, 2008

My right brain scribbled purple crayon
My left brain calculated mechanical pencil

My right brain fell in love
While my left brain did the math

My right brain made out at a Seahawks game
While my left brain called security

My right brain went skinny dipping
While my left brain applied more sunscreen

My right brain rode barefoot to the beer store
My left brain packed 2 tubes, a pump and a patch kit

My right brain ordered dessert
My left brain packed a lunch

My right brain stayed up all night
My left brain set an alarm and went to bed early

My right brain did the unexpected
My left brain lived up to expectations

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July 2, 2008

fish needs bicycle
there were no bullshit traffic tickets issued to Seattle messengers yesterday because the local police finally had a bigger fish to fry. A big fried fish casserole of a bank robbery, a high speed car chase all over town topped off with a shoot em up multiple shots fired.

Mr. Craig Etheridge sent me this photo. Take a close look at this chuffer’s front wheel. His fork is backwards. I’m guessing he pulled this bike out of a mail-order box and took it upon himself to handle the “some assembly required” If you spot this Lamborghini road bike around town, do the guy a favor and flip his bars around for him. And while you’re at it you might want to tighten all the bolts and adjust everything else on his bike too. It’s people like this that crash their bikes because they put them together wrong or their quick release levers are all the way open instead of all the way closed and then they file lawsuits against bike shops, bike distributors and bike manufacturers.

This is a pie plate for the Bike Snob If you lived around here Mr. Bike Snob, I’d bring you this whole Huffy. The bike shop guy is crazy, so he wouldn’t sell me the pie plate or even the rear wheel he’d try to sell me the whole bike for $400.



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smell the glove

July 1, 2008

Everyday is messenger appreciation day on elevators.  Summer has arrived in Seattle but elevator conversations continue to be about the weather. The smells, however have changed. Because the smell of freedom at 82 degrees differs slightly from the smell of freedom at 52 degrees. I wouldn’t want your job on a day like this.

On a hot day I enjoy entering a crowded elevator still dripping sweat from the last time I actually rode my bike. Then I like to run my hand across the top of my head. Each hair only 3/8” long, but collectively just long enough to propel a fine mist of perspiration into the air for all to share.

Who can ride an elevator
and in the span of 7 floors
Change his shirt and
put on a fresh pair of drawers

The messenger
The messenger can cuz he mixes it with sweat
and makes the world smell good

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here & there now & then

June 29, 2008

RedKev photo 11:49

A red scrunchy caught my eye. Discarded-unwanted or lost-sorely-missed. Either way it’s resting in the gutter. Either way it’s reminding me of you. Letting your hair down or putting your hair up. The look. The smell. The taste of your neck.

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June 28, 2008



What do we have here? last my ass critical Friday
congregate hydrate lubricate agitate migrate
duplicate do it again one more time
---- move along
one way two way my way your way either way
whatever vector scalar tensor
direction location vocation vacation
reapply after heavy perspiration
energy entropy probability possibility
We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it
roadmaster forecaster Coinstar rockstar
binder clip connoisseur guacamole regularly
complete complex deplete duplex
We’ve isolated the source of the problem
what we have here is a loose scutcheon
free time big time and no bigger fish to fry
intense camping out in tents …RAGBRAI

What did you expect It’s about respect
Rolling in on your parents’ credit card
you don’t know me we don’t know you
chill out back off slow down open your eyes pay attention
got a good thing going -- don’t fuck it up
pay your dues learn the rules play the game
you can push it when you earn it    until then
take it someplace else

Take me to another place
a place where
she can go for a bike ride to the bar
she can go beer-for-beer with me
she can go and not piss off my favorite bartender
she can go home with me 

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taken out of context

June 26, 2008


To gain some perspective. See the big picture. See things in a new light. Some folks travel to exotic locations. Some seek solitude. Some enjoy cosmopolitan metropolitan social buzz. Some enjoy MountainDew style extreme sports. Some just like to hear themselves talk about themselves.

I enjoy pondering life’s great mysteries while perched high atop a barstool.

“Dude, you look pretty faded. Have you been here a while?”
“yup since 1996.”

That gear ratio was too tall
That gear ratio was too short
This gear ratio is just right

Yellow Cab, Orange Cab, Blue Cop. You all drive Crown Victorias and you’re all annoying.

Lulled to sleep by a consistent white noise. Dreaming of ocean waves gently lapping up the beach, but it was just the traffic droning on I-5.

Remember     if you don’t know what you’re talking about
a) talk louder
b) make something up
c) crack a joke
d) all of the above
e) shut the fuck up

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out on the weekend

June 26, 2008

I think I’ll pack it in and buy a Segway, take it down to LA

If I only ride my bike on sunny days in June
Will you still respect me in February?

If I ride home with you this evening
Will you still respect me in the morning?

If I drink 6 beers in the morning
Will you still respect me in the evening?

If I ride a Segway
Will you respect me at all?


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one less bumper sticker

June 24, 2008

Road Master:    $2.00
Open Container ticket:  $27.00
Public Urination citation:  $54.00

Summer in Seattle:  priceless

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June 24, 2008

The fancy colors and ornate raised fonts on your original stock certificates from faux corporate headquarters in tax-sheltered Delaware caught my eye. Each piece of paper is worth 4,500 shares in your newly incorporated widget company. The much anticipated IPO, still nine weeks away. Not even an envelope to conceal them, just a paper clip holding them together. These aren’t due in Bellevue until Wednesday, so they’re going with me for a ride to spend the night on Capitol Hill.

First stop, Benson’s. Feeling 13,500 shares of stock pressed against my back by a six pack of tall boys brings a smile to my face after a long day. The projected value at IPO of those 3 sheets of paper is $1,120,000. The retail value of those six beers is $4.58. The barrier between them is a thin plastic bag.

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what it is

June 23, 2008

the sophomores are making fun of the freshmen
the seniors want to get in their pants


Old Enough for me


With plenty of friends in low places
there’s no reason to take any shit from “higher-ups”
Especially unreasonably rude misdirected strange ones

What it is.
What is it?
It is.

If you think your coffee will taste better
In a light-colored mug
It will

If you think your lunch will taste better
In a yellow bowl
It will

If you say it’s all in your mind
- in your mind it is
There’s no better place for it to be

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the most wonderful time of the year

June 22, 2008

Consumer confidence is holding low. Lower than it’s been since 1973. I can make things like that up and they’re believable because they’re not too far from the truth. Inflation continues. As rising fuel costs percolate throughout the economy and nearly every consumer is being touched in some way. Touch me I’m sick. You may be in denial as you say the prices of your favorite products haven’t gone up. But look closely and you’ll notice clever marketing and attractive packaging, giving you less product for the same old price. New & Improved. Longer lasting flavor. Long lasting odor control. Brighter Whites. Restful nights.

A consumer lacking confidence narrows his focus to the essentials like beer and cat litter. Today is CETMA rack day in the 98122. A 27# bucket of cat litter trucked home for Skunk and Brad. And soon an 18 pack of canned carbonated Yakima Valley hopped malted barley pop will be purchased, strapped down with a bungee cord and ridden to a local park to be consumed among friends.



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what's in the bag?

June 21, 2008

I once met a hipster from Seattle
who’s life would be an uphill battle
if he ever rode his bike off Capitol Hill
but he won’t he wouldn’t he don’t he couldn’t         stop
no cables no housing no brakes no gears
No skills Plenty of attitude It’s about coffee and beers
It’s about fixed gear gallery and full color glossy
Coffee table books and feature length films
Purple deep Vs shining   hacking down bars to 7.3
Tight little pants sagging backward circles riding
baseball cap tilting tattoos still glistening
giant RE Load bagging   obviously empty

A lifestyle choice but only after work and on weekends


Hey I’m no bike snob. As the fixed gear gallery approaches 8,000 check out my Soma in there around #150.  I’m all for getting more people out riding bikes. All kinds of people, all kinds of bikes doing whatever wherever however they want as long as they stay away from me.

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28 days later

June 20, 2008

What if your only worry was finding a corn field in which to take a nature break -- and you were surrounded by corn as far as the eye could see? What if your greatest concern was how to wipe the sunscreen off your sunglasses -- because the lycra-spandex just wasn’t cutting it? What if your only goal for the day was to drink at least one beer in every pass-through town? What if you could soft-pedal on the back of a 56-person pace line and not feel the wind in your face for 12 miles? What if you rode your bike across Iowa, and your caloric intake far exceeded your caloric output?

RAG what?    RAGBRAI

28 days to RAGBRAI XXXVI

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it's not me, it's 622 bsd

June 18, 2008

If Paul Allen wants a street car, Paul Allen gets a street car. Even if it’s a $55,000,000.00 joke that’s slow, doesn’t really go anywhere, nobody rides and is referred to as the S.L.U.T.

If Bill & Melinda Gates want a left turn signal, they’ll get it, and whatever else they want


red & white checker wrapped
breakfast sandwiches drying out
under the heat lamp since 6:45
two-for-one at 10:00
English muffins eggs cheese
ham or sausage or bacon
I’ll take two   big bites
stuck in my esophagus someplace
need something to wash it down
dehydrated since 1997   top-shelf tequila shots
she was a great bartender    yesterday
was your Friday  today is Wednesday



Texture  rhythm  syntax  context
Q-factor crank arms Quick-release cantilevers
It’s not you, it’s me.       We’ve grown apart
High flange   double butted   three cross   deep section
round  true  tension  dish
I need to focus on my career maybe go back to school
thread pitch  shell size  spindle length
loose ball   sealed bearing   cartridge
I met someone else. I’m not attracted to you anymore
It’s just not fun…not what it used to be
130 bcd  not compatible with Campy
Feeling pressure from my family
25.4... 28.6... 31.8 can we all get along
I want to travel. You'd like to settle down
High limit  low limit  bent derailleur hanger

I need more...won’t settle for OK
You call it 29"   I call it 700c
Can't you see    it’s all 622 bsd

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said it once before but it bears repeating

June 18, 2008

Priority is the new Sacrifice
At $5 a gallon, gas is still cheaper than beer
Where are you going?
On a beer run
How are you getting there?
On a bike
Bringing home 168 cans of beer
plus one for the road
Who wants to go for a ride?
You win some. You win some more.
You lose some. It rains it pours.

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nipple driver

June 17, 2008

Mr. Art KNR with a prototype nipple driver onesie.

Show me the money.
I’ll show you a one-of-a-kind onesie or two or three.

Show me the way.
I’ll show you the door.

Show me a breath mint that will mask the scent of 6 beers.
I’ll show you a high school girl drinking lunch in her car.

However, school is out for the summer.
Bring on the summer associates.

Long stares. Short skirts.
Long lunches. Short attention spans.
Long days. Short nights.
Long winters. Short summers.


There is some dispute about who should get credit for inventing the bicycle and exactly what year it was. There is no doubt however that the first pedal-driven bike was a fixed-gear. What I’m saying is, they’ve been around for a while, since day one. But everybody has their own opinion about fixie kids these days.

And finally, to the Stealth Messenger Crew…the last company in North America to use radios, real old-school radios. We’ll talk about Nextel and Stealth some other time. But this cheese is for all of you:  Sara this bites.  And Travis, take these Broken Wings .  Keep the volume up as you step inside. Word.


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immaculate receptionist

June 14, 2008

kind of blue

Rectum? It nearly killed him.


Large German sedan, I can hear your attitude in the way you stomp the gas pedal. In your mind you’re entitled. The seed was planted even before The Bush School, but it really grew at Lakeside and thrived at Bowdoin. Those two years you trust-funded around Europe before mom got you back on track and dad got you into Michigan Law in spite of your poor LSATs, added more to your deep rooted sense of entitlement. I can’t see your face but I can feel your family history in the warm exhaust that brushed my right leg when you gunned it for that next red light. You made it to partner in grandpa’s firm just six months after grandpa passed away. Dad said there was no connection, but I know the truth. Your second wife seems unhappy but your first wife is happy with her alimony. I sense something is bothering you, I can see it in the way you change lanes. But it’s all amusing to me because I know I’ll be home and well into my second beer before you even get back to Mercer Island.
pedestrian walks  city blocks
ferry docks  Ballard locks
slow clocks  tick tocks
finger painting smocks  mismatched socks
money talks  silicone caulks
         Basque flocks   shit crocks
intercom squawks  revolver cocks
hot pink Crocs  hipster fauxhawks
stalker stalks Richard Sachs
retarded like a fox  bagels & lox
Goody Blick rocks    opportunity knocks

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peaceful easy feeling

June 13, 2008

J. Treebeardsley photo

That bucket that catches all the overflow, mispours, splashes, spills, foamovers. That bucket that the bartender emptys at the end of the night. That bucket - that’s how I feel.

Thank god yesterday was Thursday. (TGYWT)


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one at a time one of a kind

June 12, 2008

Zoom in, take a closer look at this fine creation Clair made


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walking the walk

June 10, 2008

52 is the new 72
Winter is the new spring
Road grime is the new tan
CETMA rack is the new station wagon
Walking the walk is the new talking the talk
forest service green is the new taxi cab yellow
Black is the new Black
Urban planning is the new afterthought
Bike lane is the new Olestra
Ambiguity is the new clarity
Fish Stick is the new Corn Dog
Electronic filing is the new Y2K
Intensity is the new polyester
Spoon feeding is the new tough love
Recession is the new economy
Condominium is the new homestead
Pipe dream is the new reality
moustache is the new mullet
Notary is the new fake ID
doublemint-beer breath is the new Lysol-poop air
quitting is the new fad diet
16oz is the new 12oz
Beer is the new what’s for dinner
getting old is the new fountain of youth
39 is the new 28
Airline is the new Greyhound
Denial is the new affirmation
Misunderstanding is the new interpretation
hindsight is the new expert witness
yes is the new I've got a call on line 2
no is the new let me get back to you 

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things I do remember

June 9, 2008

All you kids that have books checked out from the pilderwasser library, you know who you are, I know who you are. If you're done with the books please return them to my apartment.

Snuggled up, curled up, bundled up on the couch with a good book. Order a pizza, watch a movie, make popcorn, red wine, New York Super Fudge Chunk, turtle neck sweater and fuzzy slippers…in June.

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Nurture (3) --- Nature (27)

June 8, 2008

what if
the weeds and wildflowers were
way more attractive
than the well-manicured lawn

Nature once again dominates on her home field. Back to nature. Returning to nature. Overrun by nature. Gone to seed. No. It’s just gotten closer to where it once was before the surveys, the plat maps, the property lines, the concrete, the asphalt, the creosote, the automated sprinkler system, the landscaping company and the local ordinance requiring you to mow your lawn.

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Carter Mondale 1980

June 8, 2008

Why are you wearing that T-shirt?
If you say it doesn’t matter and you don’t give a shit, you just pick up what’s on the floor in the morning and put it back on and go to work. Then I say OK, I believe you…but only if you own just 4 shirts. But if you roll out of bed and must select one shirt from a pile of 55 T-shirts each morning, there’s a little more involved.

A quick survey of the service sector in Seattle has shown that shirts are not selected just because they fit well, they’re flattering, they ride just right on saddle bags, beer bellies or muffin tops. Shirts are not selected because of the color. The color that brings out your eyes, your tattoos, your teeth, your hair. Nope. Shirts are selected because they say something. Something you agree with. They represent something you believe in. Or they commemorate an event you were a part of.  

I’m all for saying something, getting a point across and remembering events. But I’d like to put my vote in for a flattering fit, in a complimentary color and a shirt that looks good as a shirt. If there’s a message there to convey too…that’s great, but don’t let that trump the way it looks on you. Rocking a favorite white T that’s 4 years old and hasn’t really been white for 3.75 years is not so good. Sporting a XXL shirt that hangs off you because you want to show your love for Planet of the Apes…not so good. Don’t get me wrong I have 55 T-shirts, but recently I’ve gotten a bit more selective.

I know you can’t wait to talk about--- your alley cat win, the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the intramural badminton team, the chess club, that hardcore band, that summer camp, your tennis racket, the Huey Lewis concert, a failed political campaign, tropical fish, that hipster beer, the skateboard, a German bird dog, that Italian bike component, the Brazilian soccer player, your sexy Mexican maid, that website, those bitchin burritos, cycle courier championships, onion rings, super bowl rings, laundry detergent, your unpaid internship, laser tattoo removal, that glass blowing blow, the overpriced steak house, that legal messenger company, the reality TV show, the yoga class, a small liberal arts college in the Midwest, the North Idaho College wrestling team, Albert Hofmann’s fan club, the Whatcom County Gun Club, your vacation, vocation, hobby, addiction, recovery, relapse, that big bike ride across Iowa, the last Alice in Chains concert, the Les Schwab in Ballard, the square root of X, the Big Lebowski, I before E except after coffee tea or me, red red wine country, Jesus Shuttlesworth, Crown molding, the monorail, Disney World, Catholic School Girls, rodeo clowns, lavender massage oil, that landscaping company, Buck Creek, bandana do rag mullets, the chilidog eating contest, insulated water heater blankets, One less flat screen TV or Michael Jackson---but you don’t have to say it with a t-shirt, we can actually talk about it.

But what if, what if you could get a shirt that says something you believe in and that fits you really well in a flattering color? What if…

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be on my side I'll be on your side

June 7, 2008

10-9 I can't hear you

Nipple Driver Onesies

coming soon...

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neighbor of the beast

June 6, 2008

Saturday Six-Seven-Eight
The Ballard Twilight Criterium
Old Ballarding, Bike racing, brick streeting, beer drinking, bar hopping. A real fan favorite.

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personal flotation device (PFD)

June 5, 2008

here's Nick in a one-of-a-kind quality of life vest

It was a dark and stormy night…actually it was 11:27am in Seattle on June fucking 5th. You can call it mist, if that makes you feel better. Or showers, sprinkles, dew, precipitation, haze, fog, wetness. It’s rain. Yes it is raining. It was raining. It will rain again. I thought my legs were getting tan but it was just rust, road grime, chain lube, brake pad anodized rim juice, motor oil, dirt, exhaust and everything or anything else that ends up in the street and can splash onto me.

Put that on a postcard and mail it.

you think you've got it bad
it could be worse 
Summer starts July 5th 

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June 4, 2008

off-gassing like a discount carpet
Spoken politician broken
genuine authentic sincere
as a plastic lawn ornament
change of ownership
Probationary purgatorial transitional
They’d like to feel you out for a while
touch you in the bathing suit area
Intention misdirection head fake
Interpretation misunderstanding over commitment
forward progress growth transformation
With the changing marketplace
Mergers acquisitions takeovers buyout
Bail out get out you’re out
of a job        laid
off like a prom dress
whatayagonna do?
Eat Drink Be Merry
It’s the economy
Seven layer dip
Get a handle get a grip
Capitulate exfoliate regurgitate  
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
I am what I am, he said
Does that count for something
I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday
For some insight today
no I in team
no Team in fuck you
Do you speak the lingo
4 chuckers down   2 more to go
2 chuffers clown  they’re all show
Tallywhackers backslappers buffet-line sneezers
fair-weather friends coming out in the rain
In truth it will not always be
Served in a Styrofoam clamshell

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oh god

June 2, 2008

it rubs the lotion on its skin

Some messengers believe in an angry, vengeful dispatcher. One that punishes them for their sins and even for their slight indiscretions. These messengers are always fearful, repenting, kissing ass, saying their 45 rosaries per hour, going to confession and so on.

I believe in a higher level of consciousness. A greater power. An unfathomable energy. A place where it all makes sense. And in this place that cannot be described there is not just an all-seeing all-knowing dispatcher but so much more. so much more that it’s pointless to even try to talk about it here at street level. But I do know that these angry vengeful dispatchers will get what’s coming to them.

RUSH! Yeah, I copy rush…whatever…it’s all the same

Traditionally when the first of the month falls on Sunday, government workers have a hard time updating their automated date stamps and they need a little nudge to correct them. Today is not May 33, 2008. Today is my Oh Six - Oh Two - Oh Eight... Oh yeah.

Downtown Seattle is just a bunch of One Way streets. On a bike it’s no big deal with the various options available including alleys, sidewalks and stairways. In a car it can suck. Bad. Just to go two blocks as-the-crow-flies can take a matter of minutes, many minutes.

Remember to look both ways when you cross the street. Just like your mom said. Even if it’s a One Way street there could be a tourist driving up the wrong way. He doesn’t know any better and by the time you hear him, it’ll be too late.

Or there could be a messenger flying up the other way, even if she knows better. And you won’t hear her coming because she‘s like the wind

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uphill both ways

June 2, 2008

If you could buy only one bike this summer and the price was no object?Would you rather have a Sisyphusean downhill bike or an Icarusean uphill time trial bike??

I’d say they’re both neat. I have respect for their very specialized abilities. But I choose neither, I’ll take the cash instead. I’ll take a bike that I can ride up the hill and then turn right around and ride back down with out fear of its carbon fiber components disintegrating if I actually apply the brakes. I’ll take a bike I can bomb down the hill on, then turn around and ride back to the top with out having to get off and walk pushing 46 pounds of full-suspension invention.

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509 pride

May 31, 2008

Check out the gadget bottle

Check out the RB-1

It all goes back to Spokane, WA 

and Thanks to Bill Strickland for the plug


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May 31, 2008

Friday, 2:45pm and the bike feels like part of my body. 37 hours under my belt, 3 more to go. Pulling moves I wouldn’t even consider on a Monday at 8:45am. Smooth like new cables and housing. The sun is out. And I’m in. Comfortable. Confident. Cocky. At ease. I’ve got the home court advantage. I own these streets, all you drivers are just borrowing them. Coasting. Carving lines. Rolling. Moving things along. White lines. Handiramps. Taxis. Tourists. Busses. Redlights. Receptionists. Elevators. Security guards. Dispatchers. Co-workers. All the issues remedied with a twitch of the hips. Every little ting, gonna be alright.

perception is reality

it is what it is

you think


gas prices? what gas prices? 

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brass nipples

May 30, 2008

Utility cycling in the margins of society.
Cycling in the margins of utility.
Constant cost-benefit analysis.

Would you spend 35 minutes carefully folding an origami cat toy? And then proudly present it to your cat, anticipating hours of enjoyment while your cat just continued to sleep on the couch?

Or would you take that same piece of paper and wad it up into a ball and toss it on the floor for your cat to bat around when she feels like it?

Look into your cat’s eyes, do you think she gives a shit about origami?

Would you ride 5 miles for a free gallon of milk?
Would you buy 10 pairs of Onza pedals to get one pair free?
Would you buy 2 cans of Sparks with your winning scratch ticket?

Open to outcome. Yes.
Trying not to be attached to outcome...that's an uphill battle.

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one small step for man

May 29, 2008

Just so we’re clear on this, I am from No Man’s Land. I was raised by a pack of women in the foothills north of Spokane. I’ve got nothing against women. I really like women. And I can use the term No Man’s Land with confidence in a variety of contexts. I know what it is, I know what ‘taint.


Mother, sister, grandmother in the absence of father, brother, grandfather

Transfer. Shift. Jump. Look to context, search for meaning.

that's me--quoting myself from 12/28/07
rewind replay reinsert repeat

if you zoom in and take a closer look at the photo above, you'll see my right middle finger is raised. You'll also notice that perhaps the cousin behind me talked me into it.

no shirt, no shoes, no pants, no problem


Found an expensive travel magazine at the post office this morning. The most interesting thing in those glossy pricey vapidly colorful pages was tips on how to avoid offending the locals in other countries with various hand gestures. Turkey, Greece, Croatia, Montenegro and the what not. Some very subtle things we do with our hands, feet and faces each day mean very different things to different people around the world.

It’s a small world after all…a tiny ass little world.

One small finger raised here.
One giant road rage incident incited there.

Sitting at the bar after work telling some friends about a douche bag driving a red Toyota pickup downtown today.

At that exact moment in time, Mr. Douche Bag was sitting in his apartment in Lake Forest Park telling his girlfriend about the punk ass bike messenger he wanted to run over downtown today.

It’s a small world after all…a small small world

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the economy, stupid

May 29, 2008

Tyler Goldsmith photo


When you call my name it’s like a little prayer

A recent flurry of sales in the pilderwasser T-shirt department, when viewed by the casual observer, looks like it might be profitable. However there are no profits here. It’s like a hobby. And it’s lucky to break even. First I have to pay for those high quality T-shirts and that high quality water based silkscreen ink. Then all funds incoming are immediately pumped right back into the local economy. Beer, bikes and burritos. Not necessarily in that order.

A fresh shipment of American Apparel T-shirts will be in next weekish. New colors: Slate. Navy. Lapis. Eggplant. Army.

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left right left

May 28, 2008

2025 1st first
720 Olive next
701 Pile third
3rd Avenue bus pass
Pass asshole bus driver repeat
Two Union? That’s near 2nd & Union…right?
Right, no left. Left right?
Northwest corner of the southeast intersection
It’s the tall building yeah
The one with all the windows
On the odd side of the street
The other way…keep going
You’re almost there
Look for a white guy
About 5’10” brown hair

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?



Why? because we like you
Because I can  I could  I did  I would
It’s personal. No explanation
Because I can’t  I won’t  I didn’t  I don’t
It’s time to pay the piper
In the world of full retail price
You win some. You win some more
You lose some. It rains   It pours

Your body is a temple
My body is a bodega

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it's the little things

May 28, 2008

Trading traffic lights with a taxicab traveling 5th Avenue. As things backed up I rolled on through the red light at Spring Street and sat up, both arms in the air pointing at the sky. A victory salute worthy of a mountain-top stage finish in the Giro. The cab driver didn’t find it amusing. But it got me some cheers and a smattering of applause from a group of European tourists hanging outside the library.
And that made me smile.
And that is just one of
the little things.

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tater tots

May 27, 2008

Good evening folks,
               grab a seat anywhere you’d like

It’s happy hour. Happy Hours
It aint over. It’s only just begun
There’s a shift change coming
Would you like a urinal mint?
No, I prefer urinal screens
Take your eyes off that screen
Look at what you’re missing
Real life real people real disappointment
Walking away. Cashing out. Throwing in
their cards for more tomatoes on a sandwich
What percentage of the population
Never ate tater tots growing up
Moving on       ask another question
Not because you’re interested in my answer
Because you want to talk about yourself
Take a shot. Call it off the glass
Rebound Ricochet Regurgitate  
Suck it up  or  talk it up
Play it off then walk it off
Rub some dirt on it
Eliminate the middle man
break the zone full court press
Watch the pros     Ditch the cons
Jettison the horseshit
Travel light   no bag
Your shoulder never will get
Back to normal

Back to work

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deep woods

May 26, 2008

Another long weekend in a cell-phone-free zone. This time in the shadow of Mt. Rainier near Greenwater, Washington. Quiet, relaxing hours in the woods. Where it’s so quiet all you can hear is yourself breathing or chewing. Taking another big bite of an organic blue corn tortilla chip loaded with Clarissa’s guacamole (perhaps the finest this side of Mexico) Hanging out to celebrate Dad's birthday.

What do you do when you don’t really have to do anything? If there’s nothing that has to be done you make something up. Arbitrary goals, challenges, feats of strength, games of skill. You take advantage of the resources available to you. Plenty of free time, high quality alcohol, beer and wine helps, as does sitting around in the woods among a bunch of rocks, pinecones and trees.  What it all comes down to is, throwing rocks. Pick a target or build a target. Draw a line in the dirt. Game on. The Pilder Family Olympics were born. Not just brute strength, some finesse and skill were involved and a whole lot of rock throwing.

 I saw some bold wildlife. Accustomed to humans and happy to eat Cheetos or turkey havarti sandwiches or flower gardens.

If a tree falls in the woods and you’re the only one around
Use your best judgment
If your cell phone rings in the woods
You’re not really in the woods

With a point ‘n shoot camera it’s hard to capture the epic beauty of nature, to really put it in perspective in a snapshot. Huge monumental OG trees. And waterfalls big big waterfalls. This is Snoquera Falls.

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letting the days go by

May 22, 2008

And you may find yourself
Behind the wheel of a large automobile

And If you were born
After today’s date in
I will not
Sell alcohol to you

But if you were born
After today’s date in
You may not
know this song

And If you graduated
From high school in
You should know better by now

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?

I won’t sell you alcohol
But I’ll give you a beer

Since 1997...
I’ve been blurring the line between

Fact and fiction
fantasy and reality
Growing up and staying young
Then and now
Too much and not enough
Pedestrian and vehicle
One Union and Two Union
Howe Street and Howell Street
12th Ave and 12th Ave East
Full-on and Half-ass
Kevin’s Mom and the babysitter
Legally drunk and buzzed
Landscape and portrait
Burn out and fade away
Rise up and Get down
Washed up and scrubbed down
Moving on and staying put
Progression and regression
Déjà vu and same shit different day
Wouldn’t want your job and wouldn’t want my job

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May 22, 2008

no stopping

what can't be stopped

one for the road


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May 21, 2008

Ellen M. Banner photo Seattle Times 

Wednesday, do you want me to do it right or do you want me to do what you say? Client relations my ass. If I wanted to call the client I’d work in the office and make more money and gain more weight and eat more donuts. Can I put you through to her voice mail? No thanks her voicemail won’t answer my question, is there anyone there that knows anything? I’m not calling to chat I’m calling for a reason. Just so we’re clear on this, you suck. Keep track of wait time. Bad suite number, bad address, bad zip code, bad security guard, bad building directory, bad apple. I have a new healthy disrespect for School Bus Drivers. This guy is an agro unreasonable dangerous asshole who happens to be employed driving a school bus in Seattle, but because of him I will never be able to look at school busses the way I used to. One bad apple is more than enough to taint my barrel full of judgment heaped upon all. I respect school busses full of kids making stops letting kids off, picking kids up. I’m not a reckless idiot. But an empty school bus with an agro asshole driver sitting at a red light is a different story. Insert job title, sub culture, stereotype, zip code whatever…there’s a bad apple for each. Goes around. It does. Yup. There’s enough for everyone. Taking it upon yourself to educate someone on the ways of traffic, while in traffic, is a losing battle, a waste of energy. If I had 45 minutes to calmly discuss all this with the fucking agro bus driver I would have. But I was on my way to work, riding down Denny. Perhaps in his mind he was looking out for my best interests and trying to help me out by pinning me to the curb at a construction site with no sidewalk on which to bail, then trying to pin me to the other lane of traffic when I went left, then reaching out his window and trying to grab me, yelling at me and laying on the horn. Perhaps. Yeah perhaps. Bill Withers, red wine, Pinot Evil in a 3 liter box, red sauce, Land O Lakes butter, onions, garlic, mushrooms, angel hair, spicy Italian sausage, Jackson 5. Cooking dinner 3 nights per week. I’ve got an extra key. You can move in Saturday. And maybe that kid the other day that stepped out into the street was just testing the friction on my brake pads, seeing how much front brake I could grab before the rear tire started to fishtail as I went into a nose wheelie, testing how much brake I could grab and still not slow down enough to avoid hitting him, investigating how hard he could get hit by a messenger while jaywalking because he heard he could always blame the messenger, trying to pretend not to see anything because his hair was long and in his face. All that, yeah all that and more. But he was unable to ignore the primal guttural death scream I unleashed from deep within when I was inches away from contact, a split second from launching him 20 feet north of his last known location on Eastlake Avenue. He heard that. He felt that. and stopped and got back out of the way. My bike is on the level, your bike Mr. 999, is fucked. Riding that bike is like going camping with a giant gas-powered generator so you can plug in your TV, cook your dinner on an electric burner and power your electric air compressor to inflate your kingsized air mattress. The more shit you pile on, the further you get from the essential experience. It’s no longer camping, it’s “what movie do we want to watch?” or “is the extension cord long enough to reach the tent?” It’s like that, it’s no longer a bike ride it’s a fiddle with this dodad, adjust that accessory, strap down another bag onto the bag on the bag, unnecessary mesentery, synchronize the four clocks onboard experience. Too much is never enough it’s always too much, right Dan. ? How can Seattle expect to gain any respect as a cosmopolitan city, a destination vacation location, a financial powerhouse…when our meter maids ride Segways? Weak week. today is my Thursday.

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great bike ride across Iowa

May 21, 2008

60 days until RAGBRAI

425 days until the next one

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May 19, 2008

Push the button   wait for it
Assume the position
Get it on --- go --- get on it
Not that we’re close, just proximate
when the doors open on your floor
It’s OK to get off
Held afloat by surface tension
soap could end it
Held up by tension under the surface
Soap won’t be helping me
out with those American thighs
Muffin tops all around
All round and warm
Coffee and donuts
compliments of building management
not for messengers, NO, none for you
Fake it until you make it
Shake it don’t break it
took your mamma nine months to make it
Relatively light, floral, extremely drinkable
Doomsday IPA
You won’t see it coming
Maybe it’s better that way
my way  your way  anyway
Where and when?
  there and then
   that was that
     Here and Now
                      this is it


I'm a lowbrow but I rock a little know how



Upper respiratory distress, congestion, post nasal drip and expectoration. Prolonged by sporadic physical exertion, excessive use of alcohol, dehydration, sleep deprivation and over exposure to the sun on the first hot weekend after a long chill spring.

Suggested treatment includes:

You do a little dance then you drink a little water
Eat some food
Get some sleep
A lot

And like Milkshake said,
High quality beer in less quantity
As opposed to
Low quality beer in huge quantity

give it away

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the Morgantini Case Party

May 18, 2008

Weekend road trip to an alpine oasis. Up the road to Bellingham take a right on 542 to Glacier. A change of scenery, a change of elevation, a change in the weather. Hold on to your Nooksack, wouldn’t want to Chuckanut. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

I took zero pictures. My camera was in my pocket for about 10 minutes then I put it back in my bag. But there were many photos taken by a professional photographer and thousands taken by civilians like me. If there was a way I could link you to a streaming video compilation of the weekend, an audio slideshow featuring the highlights of the photographs with comments from friends and family. I would. Yes, I would, if I could, I surely would.

Not there to observe as much as to participate, even if I am a natural born observer that occasionally steps over the line into participation. I spent hours staring into the woods, slack jawed, listening to the birds and squirrels, beer in hand. And several more hours sitting in a lawn chair in the corner on the back porch, staring at people, slack jawed sangria in hand. I was happy to be there. And because I drank enough on Friday to get a family of four drunk for a month, I spent much of Saturday drinking water.

Snowline is a cell phone free zone, not because it’s one of their regulations, but because of the geography on the way to Mt. Baker. And that makes me smile. It’s not “I’m getting on a elevator, I’ll call you right back.” It‘s, “I’m going to Matt & Clair’s wedding I’ll call you back in two days”

And it was good. Very very good.

Family, friends, decks of cards, tether ball, tennis, ping pong, air hockey, black bears, bacon, bagels burning, trail mix, macaroni and cheese, hot tubs, ice cold vodka, ice cold raging Nooksack river, kegs of beer, beer in cans, beer in bottles, beer in pint glasses, beer in 18 packs, dark chocolate, ice water all around, rocking chairs, skipping stones, dogs off-leash, kids being kids, red wine, white wine, cheese, 10:00pm established quiet time, inside voices, an active label maker, lots o labels… a great ceremony outside on the warmest weekend we’ve had for many months. A short sweet real wedding ceremony. No bullshit. It got me all verklempt…

Antipasto, a taste of the east coast nestled in the foothills of the north cascades, Milano's, salmon with a fennel cream sauce or a raspberry fumé, ravioli, and wedding cake like you’ve never seen. Check out by 11, keys in by noon, gratuities appreciated, Amber.

Thank you

Congratulations to the Case Morgantini people

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May 15, 2008

The un-official no handed track stand text messaging championionship:

1st : Sebastian
2nd : Mollly
3rd : Travis


Sharrow is a great name for a kitten.

It’s Bike to Work Day. But don’t let the calendar tell you when to ride your bike, ride your bike when you want to ride your bike.

When a cop pulls you over the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut. But I imagine saying a few things like this:

Cop: you just ran 3 lights and went the wrong way up 7th
I don’t think of it that way officer. I think of it as easing the constipation in the bowels of the city. Getting shit done. Moving shit around. Greasing the rails of commerce. Priming the pump of capitalism.

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Yes sir. Yes sir I have, for about 22 years.

Cop: Where’s your helmet?
A better question might be…At what point do we stop looking for someone to blame and start taking responsibility for our own actions? You know what I mean officer? When do we stop doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do and start worrying only about getting caught? Did you get picked on a lot in high school?

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May 14, 2008

It’s not a yes-or-no question
This is post David Lee Roth
It’s the pants
It’s the hair
It is what it is
It’s 5150

The dog’s just along for the ride


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stir it up

May 13, 2008

Bring to a boil
reduce heat
cover and simmer for 11 years



I’m not your Dale Chihuly
You’re not my Yoko Ono

I’m not your Bucky
Are you my Jimmy John

I’m not your Martha Stewart
You’re not my Mike Ditka

I’m not your Frank Lloyd Wright
You’re not my Emily Dickinson

I can’t be your cloth monkey
You’re not even my wire monkey

I can be your D.B. Cooper
If you’ll be my Zola Budd

I’ll be your Bushmills
You can be my Jameson

I’ll be your garlic mashed potatoes
You can be my chili cheese fries

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elevator messenger

May 12, 2008

Hit me with your Cozen O’Connor
Bring on the Perkins Coie Monster
Let’s talk about Ryan Swanson
Let Keller Rohrback
Get down…to get up
Karr Tuttle all day long
Blankenship bro
Davis Davis Davis Wright

Perhaps the most expensive public works project in the history of the world…pound for pound, inch for inch, man for man, day by day, oh dear lord…these things I say.

The Great Wall of China, the Grand Coulee Dam, The Panama Canal, the Big Dig, The museum of trucking, carving out the grand canyon with an old toothbrush, building all the pyramids in Egypt…all that. Match any one of these up with the sidewalk reconstruction on the 4th Avenue side of the King County courthouse: man power, hours, weight, volume, delays… in relation to dollars spent, and you‘ve got a good show. It was originally scheduled to re-open a couple months ago. The latest date given for opening was today, but today it was not even close. Like I said before…how much milk can a contractor milk, if a contractor must milk milk???

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Monday Monday

May 12, 2008

Monday May 12, 1997
My first day as a bike messenger
Purple jersey Elliott Bay Messenger company
Rock Hopper front suspension bar ends
85 and sunny

Monday May 12, 2008
Another day as a bike messenger
Wool sweater Seattle Legal Messenger company
RB-2 flat bar no bullshit
55 and partly cloudy

Monday Monday
Eleven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still


it's not just May 12

it's Monday May 12

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skid road scott mathauser

May 11, 2008

What matters
What’s important
What’s worth it
What does it all mean
Everything you say will be used against you
Ride up the hill just to ride back down
Scott Mathauser Edmund Fitzgerald
Pickle Bucket Mucas Membrane
Glow-in-the-dark plastic magnetic Virgin Mary
Dark chocolate red wine cast iron skillet
Quiet rides quiet drive trains
Firm hand shakes
Fish needs bicycle
Thanks to Sam and My Nhung Following Sean is the movie of the week and Skid Road is the book of the week
put it all together, add it up, find the connections 

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A three hour tour...

May 11, 2008

Saturday May 10 the See Ya de Mayo photo scramble around town. Stops included: Cool Guy Park, Linda’s,Bimbos, the Cha Cha, The Metropolitain, The Summit, Shortys, The Athenian, The Canterbury, The Capital Grill, Safeco Field, Jimi Hendrix, Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee, Chief Seattle, Black Hole Sun, Hammering Man, and much much more. Not that I made it to all those stops.


and check out RedKev’s Pics


Three Hour Tour

click to view

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look up here look up here

May 9, 2008

don't cha wish your pilderwasser hot    like JP

he stuck in his thumb

pulled out a plum

and said

what a good boy am I

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Bloomington, Indiana Pale Ale

May 8, 2008

It’s like butter It‘s like butter

Don’t worry Tom. Don’t worry Randy. Don’t worry Ron. When King County finally goes on-line in a few months and requires electronic filing, you’ll still need messengers to rush to the courthouse and deliver the attorney’s cell phone while the trial is in session, or her raincoat, or his favorite style of legal pad, jury instructions or a stack of 4' x 3' foam-core exhibits. And when the trial is over you’ll need a few messengers to schlep all that shit back to their office or at least one messenger to look for the umbrella that Jack A. Attorney left in the courtroom.

White-lining 6th Avenue gridlock. Lanes are tight. Teal 1992 Chevy Cavalier guy I see you. Oh yeah, I see you. You make me smile. The hair on my left arm knocks the ash off your girlfriend’s Newport, but she doesn’t even notice because she’s texting and applying more and more makeup.

How ya like me now?

You say you mean well, you don't know what you mean
Fucking ought to stay the hell away from things you know nothing about

--Elliott Smith
“everybody cares, everybody understands”

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take 2 of these and call me Angel in the morning

May 8, 2008

Bret Haskins photo

Take one pill, twice a day with food
Take one pilderwasser, six times a day on an empty stomach
Take it all, swallow it whole, believe the hype
Take it in the backdoor
Take it to the bank
Take it with a grain of salt
Take me to your leader
Ignore the facts
Perpetuate the stereotype
Deny the denial
May cause drowsiness
May impair the ability to recognize ability
May cause dry mouth, diarrhea or disillusionment

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they say it's your birthday

May 7, 2008

Happy Birthday to Skunk and Brad and Molly


Stephen Cysewski photo 

Check out Wandering in Seattle for some great old photos

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white wainscoting

May 6, 2008

Objects in mirror aren’t even close to what they appear
To be or not to
Be careful what you wish for
Be careful you’re dinging up the sheetrock
Crown molding Wainscoting Breakfast nooking soup Spooning
Valvoline Volvo Vaseline Vulva
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
I taught your boyfriend that thing you like so much
Cowboy boots   short skirts
Overalls aprons  no shirts
no shoes no problem
Baker Barista Bartender
are you a bike messenger?
working up a sweat  getting hands dirty
Honest day Honest dollar

C -I -R -C -U -M -S -P -E -C -T
Find out what it means to me

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May 6, 2008

did a little dance

May 5, 2008

Haven't hit a hardball for years. Still haven't.

Did a little dance, drank a little beer.

If the batteries in your camera die after two random photos it makes it easy to choose a couple.

If you’ve had several beers it makes it easier to misjudge a fly ball deep to right field.

If the ball comes to rest in the tall grass deep in right field it makes it hard to find among the clover.

If you haven’t hit a hardball since the Reagan administration, don’t expect to get a hit with the bases loaded and two outs. (see several beers)

If you hit the ball over the fence, across the street, bouncing it off the hood of a large 4 x 4 truck (setting off the alarm) then onto the roof of a building…that’s a homerun.

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a quality of life issue

May 3, 2008

Jason Britton photo

This guy is wearing a pilderwasser T-shirt.

I'm guessing he got it at thrift store or a homeless shelter. Maybe he got it from a pile of castoffs labeled “free” outside a medium-sized apartment building on Capitol Hill. Maybe he got it from Doug Stock.

I’d like to think he bought it from me on eBay or directly through the website, paying via PayPal.  Or maybe he paid full-retail for it at Counterbalance Bicycles, Wright Bros, or Second Ascent. Or that his daughter gave it to him for Christmas a few years ago after she saw a messenger wearing one like it.

Maybe he gave up his career at Microsoft, his house in Magnolia, his marriage of 27 years…he gave up all of it, got a pot leaf tattooed on his face and decided to walk the streets of Seattle and stretch out his fingers. He needs a bike.

Whatever the story of how he got into that shirt. Whatever his story…yesterday, he was angry and unreasonable and not a very personable spokesman for the pilderwasser cause.

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Any Veggie Curry...$3.99

May 2, 2008

Clowns to the left of me

Clowns to the left of you      too

Going back into the archives. Recycling. Finding connections. Putting another pencil line on the kitchen wall growth chart ---May 2008---Learning from past mistakes. Patterns develop. Grooves begin to wear with time turning into ruts. Routes. Rote. Repeat. Habit trails. Comfort zones. Zip Codes. Relationships. Careers.

Traditionally, when May 2 falls on a Friday, beer is consumed. But there’s no need to look to tradition, convention, expectation, calendars or the behavior of the bewildered herd.

What’s that Lassie? Timmy fell in the well and needs help?

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April 30, 2008

talk amongst yourselves

what day is it

what year is it

where am I

why am I here

WHAT difference does it make

what does it all mean 

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April 30, 2008

Use the negative space. See it. Build on it. Bring it out. Change your tone. Think about color. Find the patterns. Pay attention to fonts. Think about your audience. Take it in context. Visualize the sum of its parts.       Have a beer.
When you know the notes to sing
you can sing most anything

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tastes like chicken

April 29, 2008

Open for interpretation…or maybe you had to be there. This photo Craig took gives a hint to the location and time the events took place. I’ll give you another hint and say it was a Wednesday night wiffle ball rescue mission. Leaving a little something to the imagination is often more interesting and attractive. If you must have the story ask Craig or Jewell or Steve.


Yesterday a homeless woman yelled at me as I attempted to lock-up on the beautiful 3rd Avenue side of King County. It was the highlight of my morning. Her volume was high and she was rather close to me but I didn’t take it as a scolding        more of a greeting.

Her words to me:

Drive your bicycle…it’s illegal

Then she continued on in a more self-directed unintelligible tirade and I walked away smiling. I like bicycles and I like Barbarella. I also like to visualize the fine line between insanity and genius. Perhaps that woman is walking along that line with a few toes hanging off to either side.

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April 28, 2008

3 to 5 - medium sized co-workers
2 - dispatchers (opposing styles)
1 - very attractive receptionist
8 - attractive receptionists
4 - mailroom employees
6 - security guards
3 - armored car drivers
1 - handful of tourists
17 - Metro Bus drivers
5 - Police officers
A bunch of appreciative clients
A pinch of unreasonable clients

Combine ingredients in a large vessel and stir slowly over medium heat created by a series of short sprints punctuated by long periods of standing by. Sprinkle with rain. Fill out with traffic. Add pedestrians. Put your attention where it needs to be to prevent any one ingredient from dominating or contaminating the mix. Season to taste with the help of Baristas, Bartenders and Bodegas. Enjoy.

If you build it

they will come...and

wonder why you built it

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don't let me down

April 26, 2008

Raise the Montlake Bridge then the Fremont Bridge then the Ballard Bridge delaying 973 motorists to allow one retired dentist from Clyde Hill to pass on his sailboat.

I guess I would want my job on a day like this. When summer finally rolls around it’s easier to forget about six months worth of grey grayness wet socks and damp wet wetness. A sweat-soaked ass crack is worlds away from a rain-soaked ass crack.

Nice day for a bike ride huh?

When your economic stimulus check arrives are you going to save it for a rainy day.? Plan ahead. Be prepared. The boy scout motto is great, to a point. Until it weighs you down, slows you down, holds you back with over thinking over planning over packing. Would you rather die with a big savings account or live it up here and now --within your means -- but here and now. Nonchalant inconspicuous consumption.

Reliving rewinding remembering the past. What was. What could have been. Navigating with a map that's also known as a bank statement. A printout once a month. When where why what how much. Debit this Debit that.

Beers * Bars * Bike shops * Burritos

Groceries * Utilities * Accessories

A lazy Saturday afternoon
By the ship canal
Watching the world go by
Tall boy in hand
5 more in the bag
Strangers  fellow philosophers brothers
Two dudes in need   --out of beers
Friends indeed                      
A Kokanee for you and for your friend too
“you’re the man”    “thank you brother”

My work here is done

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fee fi fo fum

April 26, 2008

compare  contrast  connect  conflict
Are you my Bianchi?
Are you my Bucky?
Are you from ABC?
Wait          and see
2-hour  4-hour   nextday    teener
It’s all the same
What matters? What means something?
What makes a difference

I have to take a piss

I like the receptionist
I’m tired     I’m hungry      I’m thirsty
Where do we go    Where do we go now
Correlation          Causation
Corporation        fast food nation
Confirm or deny the allegation
Without sufficient information
Fee    Fi    Fo    Fum
Coffee  beer  continuum
Cheap  Light   Faux    Dumb
Big     Fat            conundrum
           >>>Ziggy will you ever win
Doric    Ionic     Corinthian
Historic    Ironic        Pomeranian


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don't stand so close to me

April 25, 2008

It’s not fair-weather cycling
That’s not an option
It’s not carbon fiber
Not that there’s anything wrong with that
Side by side    day by day    pound for pound
This chunk of steel is still rolling
The OEM bottom bracket and headset
As close to maintenance free as you can get
Ridden hard put away wet
For years

keep it outta my face

It’s not sour grapes.
It’s forbidden fruit.
don’t want what I can get
enjoy what I shouldn’t have
really want what I can’t get
A big bowl of forbidden fruit
artfully arranged

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the sun'll come out tomorrow

April 24, 2008

bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow

will be Friday

today is my Four Two Four

oh eight

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bad news

April 23, 2008

Dispatching a small legal messenger company is like coaching little league with very limited resources, barely enough players to field a team, no DL, no DH and no backups. No vacation time or sick-leave, no no no. Callers constantly making unreasonable demands, imposing impossible deadlines, making unmake able turn-around times and asking for production that can not be produced.

All your players hate you. Everything you say is bad news.

Most of the time your team is up for the challenge.
However, on some game days you only have two players to field. Forfeit is not an option, so you ride the shit out of your workhorses and hope for the best. Scrubs, dummies, warm bodies, all-stars…it’s all the same. It all pays the same. Unreasonable expectations all around


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Utility, margin of

April 23, 2008

Utility cycling is popping up more and more in the media and usually mentioned in the same breath as rising gas prices.  Which reminds me of someone. The NY Times told me that for every (1) American that rides her bike to work there are (154) Americans that drive to work alone in their cars.  

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rubber band man

April 22, 2008

It’s been a long week.
And it’s only Tuesday.

Consumer confidence is way down.
And it was just payday.

Hanging by a thread or a long rubber band.

The Seattle Police continue to show their Mayberry roots
podunk small town nothing better to do bullshit.

Zeppelin II on cassette.
rambling on       going off
Half cocked    half cooked    half the man
                                                I used to be
A real bike messenger
Ramble on

stick it to the man                   not the union

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ramble on

April 22, 2008

Spring Time. Travel time. Higher gas price time.
Road trip. Long road trip. Grab your sleeping bag we’ll pick you up at noon.

All the beer you can drink, but it’s Keystone Ice and it’s warm…real warm and getting warmer. Dave’s uncle used to work for Albertsons and cleaned out the expired stuff and loaded up his garage. Now we have a long way to go and car full of warm Keystone Ice. Deal with it.

No AM-FM, no satellite radio, no CD player, no iPods, just a cassette player shimmed out with a popsicle stick, no auto reverse and only one cassette--- Zeppelin II. Deal with it. 

All the food you can eat, as long as it’s potato chips fried in olestra. Yeah that’s right, Dave’s uncle scored big on the Olean chip trend. Chow down, blow out, ride it out. Repeat. Deal with it.

Great gas mileage, as long as it’s down hill in neutral drafting behind a truck. It’s a 1976 Nova. Dave loves his car. Bring gas money. Turn up the Zeppelin. Deal with it.

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it's a fine line, a very fine line

April 21, 2008

genius :: insanity
A good trip :: A bad trip
Spirituality :: Bullshit
homeless :: bike messenger
bow legged :: pigeon toed
stupidity :: courage
enlightened :: cursed
art :: crap
rock :: a hard place
this :: that
acceptable :: unacceptable
unintentional :: accidental
lucky :: prepared
49 x 17 :: 44 x 15
Visibility :: Overconfidence
Obligation :: Pain in the ass
Jimmy Johns :: Seattle Legal
Ma Bell :: ETS
900 4th Avenue :: 901 5th Avenue
chicken nuggets :: cat food
Reagan (actor) :: Reagan (politician)
Northbound :: Southbound
Aberdeen :: Hoquiam
15th Avenue :: 15th Avenue East
Inertia :: Gravity
Alcohol by weight :: Alcohol by volume
Karaoke :: Public Service
Innovative :: Derivative
cutting edge :: neo retro
revolution :: rotation
Stone Temple Pilots :: Second Hand Smoke
The middle finger :: The Ring Finger

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cheesy like Sunday morning

April 20, 2008

four twenty

three months ago

don't tase me bro

Wacky cliques click       tacky clocks tick
Indecisive advisor a divisive incisor
Two for you     two for me    too
Two too many    tutu shimmy
blown out chamois
Two of a kind          kind of
Pair up        pare down
Lose weight    It’s a long wait
Pull up a chair in the waiting room
Wipe down a bench in the weight room
Non fat mocha extra whip
Extracurricular            extramarital trip
Late night liaison lair
Laissez faire      kissing cousins   county fair
It’s all there   it’s only fair     pay the fare
Lawyer = liar     liar liar house on fire
outerlayer outlander outlier
Bit player  bricklayer  3-ply toilet paper
Thin veneer                              one more beer


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I wanna dance

April 19, 2008

S. Peet photo

Rules. Laws. Ordinances. Codes. Regulations. Requirements. Restrictions. Legislation. Guidelines.

At what point do people stop using their own judgment doing what’s right because it’s the right thing to do, and start following “the rules” because they’re afraid of getting caught. Along that same line, when do people stop taking responsibility for their own actions and start looking for someone or something to blame.

You make the call. You take the fall. You’re an adult, do what you want and deal with it. Wear white shoes after Labor Day if you want to. Wear a brown belt with your black boots if it feels right.

Obviously there are some basic ground rules, traffic laws are necessary for transportation to function in a city. However I believe that urban cyclists can thrive on the edges of those rules. It’s like a strong foundation to build on or a solid base line to dance around…

Excuse me copper
Mr Crime stopper

What’s wrong with what we’re doing
We just like to dance
In our goatskin pants
Around this ancient ruin

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April 19, 2008

Chris Murray photo

RAGBRAI training never ends, it’s a year-round endeavor and even if the temperature dips into the 30s in April, training continues. The café Zum-Zum lunch special consumed in seven minutes is an excellent training exercise. The Stewart Market spicy teriyaki chicken consumed in five minutes--between stupid little rush deliveries from stupid corporate law firms--is also beneficial. Sometimes I like to find a hitching post, post up and down a couple tall boys. Then down a couple more if the air is fresh and the time is right. On cold evenings I ride up the hill and find a warm bar stool and down four pints of IPA. That’s right 4 of the strong stuff, the Indiana. Then ride a bit higher up the hill and have a couple pitchers of Rainier and the Burrito Inferno with chicken and black beans on a spinach tortilla. Finally, I attempt to ride the last few blocks home without stopping in at the Satellite or the Elysian. Put that in your stomach and ride it to the next small Iowa town. A normal man would be in the hospital with abdominal pains, but it’s a night of interval training for RAGBRAI. It’s not about the bike, and it’s not about Lance Armstrong, it’s about getting your stomach to work for you on the bike in various states of fullness, bloated, bulked out, bellied up. The stomach is an amazing thing, that with training will perform even more amazing things.


Check out Jason in Omak and Craig winning the Boat Street Crit

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face time

April 18, 2008

In your face. Face first. Face up. Face down. Face plant. Face time. Face the music. Face the facts. Face it. Chicks dig big beards…or not.


A shout out to Milkshake’s Mom’s Sixth Grade class in Arcadia. Word. Words. Word! Looking back on my Spokane straight-laced ex-military sixth grade teacher…if he busted out some free verse written by a bike messenger it would’ve created a ripple in the force, a bump in the space time coffee beer continuum. Remember kids: rules, recipes and regulations are suggestions,  it’s up to you to season to taste and sauté with a plenty of garlic and onions. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Ask for what you want.

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inside looking out

April 17, 2008

I see your face
looking back at me
You only see
your own reflection

In the window
Put a caliper on
The margin of utility
Can you pinch an inch?
Weighing pros    Hefting cons
The prose is conning
Never ending cost benefit analysis
Yielding results consistent with forecasts
Not so much laziness as annoyingness
What’s the point
   me in the right direction
North-South up the field
Running between the tackles      to
The land of existential exponential
Returns on my investments
Semi-annual biennial sesquicentennial
Signature round trip RUSH
                                                   Copy that

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April 15, 2008

According to the USDA you need to eat,       a lot.

At the base of the pyramid is the Beer Group (bread, cereal, rice, pasta). For the average American they recommend 6-12 servings. For the average cyclist I suggest more, much more. Pasta and potato salad sandwiches are shortcuts I enjoy. I also enjoy a beer now and then. If 18-24 servings sounds like too much, don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. Like Dan E. Murray said “too much is never enough, it’s always too much.”

Next is the Wine Group (fruits and vegetables) These items take up a big section in grocery stores, a section I often walk through without slowing down. The USDA recommends 4-6 servings a day. If you pour a small glass you can get 6 servings from one wine bottle.

At the next level you’ll find the Deep-Fried Cheese Stick Group (dairy and meat) Heavy government subsidies paid out to farmers as a result of years worth of lobbying by the Dairy Council, the Cattleman’s Beef Board and the National Pork Board among others. This well-funded lobbying makes the USDA suggest way too many servings of this shit. Eat hot wings when you feel like it. Eat pork sausage croissants if your body tells you to. But don’t believe the hype. Beef it’s what’s for dinner. Pork the other white meat. Who’s paying for these great ad campaigns? You are. Got Milk? Hell no I don’t got milk. There’s really no reason for the average American to consume 25 gallons of milk per year. This level brings me down.

Finally the pinnacle, the Hard Liquor Group. They suggest “use sparingly”. I suggest use your best judgment, lather rinse repeat, repeat as needed.    Tequila falls just outside this category and has its own rules.


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family tree

April 15, 2008

Creepy family portraits…coincidence? I think not.
It runs in the family.               we‘re a happy family

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black socks

April 14, 2008

If you need a gift for a special someone who rides a bike all-year-round, a Peet Shoe Dryer is an amazing, elegantly simple and useful item. It’s one of the best Christmas gifts I’ve ever gotten and it just keeps on giving well into Spring time here in Seattle.

How many ways are there to ask a messenger “is it raining?”
Let me count the ways…

In my book there will be chapter or two about elevators. Reading body language and subtle clues I can tell if you work in the building, I know where you work and I can get within two degrees your occupation, attorney, real estate, investment banker, architect, mid-level government drone. I can tell if you’re visiting, if it’s your first time or you’re a repeat visitor, if a family member works in the building, if you’re getting divorced, if you’re just going to the dentist, if you’re lost, or if you’re hanging sheetrock on 42. I can tell if you’re from a small town, don’t get out much and don’t like the city. I can tell if you’re a smoker. I can tell if you’re having a bad day. I know what you’re eating for lunch. I gather from your phone conversations what’s for dinner tonight, who you’re sleeping with and who in your office is hard to get along with. As a participant-observer-messenger I white-line between participant and observer. Going into full-on observer mode when you least expect it because you see a bike messenger on an elevator but I see you Mr. Styrofoam Clamshell lunch eating cell phone talking soy mocha drinking 1.3 packs per day smoking elevator guy.

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Saturday in the park

April 13, 2008

two birds, one stone

April 11, 2008

A bird in hand
Is worth two in the bush

A hand in the bush
Is worth two birds

A Busch in hand
Is worth two bucks

A teener to King
Is worth more than two bucks

Two bucks in hand
Is worth a cup of coffee

Red is the color of this wall on Dexter
In the morning, when we rise
In the morning, when we rise
That's the time
That's the time
I love the best


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you load 16 tons, what do you get?

April 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to Trenton.


Another day older and deeper in debt.

---from my cheap studio apartment looking down on a small two bedroom house, a small $775,000.00 house that’s literally 40 feet away from me. Drinking my coffee, feeding my cats, wearing my shoes, breathing my air, asking myself how can that fucking house be worth that much? If I was eight hundred grand in-the-hole, how would I feel about living 40 feet from a janky apartment building with people looking down on me laughing at my folly? When will my apartment building go condo? Or when will it get torn down to make room for multi-unit luxury residential condos with off-street parking and street-level retail? When will I move to Everett, get a job in Redmond, buy a car and spend four hours of my day commuting to work? When will I wait 3 minutes at the office for an elevator to take me down to the parking garage so I can drive to the gym and ride the stairmaster for 3 minutes?

When? Where? Why?

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big hitter, the Lama

April 10, 2008

Running on three cylinders, and it’s a V-8. A hazy shade of Thursday. Cheap gas and lots of city miles and I’ve got 5 fuel injectors clogged. I feel the pedal go down but I don’t feel the acceleration. Maybe I need to get some sleep and a real meal.

Or maybe not

I enter your sphere
sitting at the bar    day’s end
you pour   me smiles       beer

Time passes quickly
Gratuities well earned
One more time around

Money in my bank account
Debit this       debit that

Eat drink be merry
They say       can’t take it with you
One more time around

Schooner might do it
Quitting after    one more       last
One more time around

what's that Lama?

Oh yeah don’t worry, we’ve got the Seattle Police out in force and the State Patrol is helping out too. They’re cleaning up the streets for you, at least along the route of the motorcade. We’re busting random bike messengers for nothing, we’re hauling away homeless people, we’re picking up trash, we’re kicking ass for you out there Lama.

Do you think I could ride shotgun in the pope-mobile on the way back to the hotel?

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don't let your babies grow up to couriers

April 10, 2008

it's not a job   it's a way of life

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double short tallboy

April 8, 2008

Just the tip of the iceberg, the overflow, the icing on the cake. What lies beneath? I spy some tuna casserole. Have another beer and you can almost see it starting to swirl down the drain in a clockwise direction or counterclockwise if you’re down under.

A diuretic fiesta. Coffee carousel. Beer roundabout.

Riding on the coffee-beer continuum as usual. However, on April 8, 2008 here in Seattle it was more of a coffee-beer merry go round. Ride it as long as you want, hop off and on whenever you need to. Depending on the time, the temperature and your personal needs. Reach for the golden ring.

Round and Round


Of the coffee-beer continuum I must give credit
Where credit is due…
To Robert Arzoo
Who brought the continuum into my consciousness around 1993. Since then I’ve taken it in, adopted it, nurtured it and raised it as my own in another context.

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tourist totes umbrella

April 7, 2008

Standing by on Slow Monday. A very slow Monday in fact. Did so few jobs that by the end of the day it was really annoying to even hear the dispatcher at all. Lots of time on my hands but a long way from “free time”. Strapped into a messenger bag with a Nextel wired to my mouth. I’m conditioned to salivate when it chirps. But cotton mouth sets in, especially when I get paid by the hour. I couldn’t write complete sentences, so I wrote random thoughts. The meaning, the connections, the transitions, the flow is up to you. Word. Words.

Ride slower
Makes the day go faster
Mr day-glo pants
Mr purple deep V
Hipster fix-o-rama drama
An old country family
     recipe for disaster
Schooner - Pint - Pitcher
12 oz - Tallboy - Roadmaster
Six-pack rings on my fingers
SPD bells on my toes
Guacamole near my 3rd lumbar
Another---one more---on par
Burrito Inferno a la Bimbo

Unsolved mystery solved
It’s like butter
 on a roll a run a hot streak
Good luck with that honeybear
Soak in warm water
Take a bath… take it to another level
mist fog drizzle sprinkle downpour
partly cloudy with a chance of rain
Rain turning to showers
High near 50
Never-ending five-day forecast
recycled for 6 months…and counting
Getting old = older = oldest
Looking for a change in the weather
Keep your John Fogerty
Your shit is weak
Watered down overcooked soft moderate played out
Middle of the road vanilla milquetoast mild
1301 elevator Muzak weak
Standing by standing Up
Upgrade Uptown Up yours sit down
Downsize downshift down comforter
Every good boy does fine
White noise   Wild boys
Black  Gold  Turquoise
Duran Duran…Barbarella
Tourist totes umbrella
Keep it in the family
Keep it in-house
Stumbled upon a new job
In through the outsource
On the way to the outhouse
 stepped on a slug
Go with your gut
Feeling Minnesota

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power to weight ratio

April 7, 2008

Peet to bag ratio. Do the math.

This photo does not convey how much Peet’s bag actually weighed at the moment. She’s smiling or maybe grimacing. She’s leaning forward just a bit, because if she didn’t she’d fall over backwards. I slowed her down for 45 seconds to get a photo on her way up to Callison and didn’t want to ask her to pose a for a few more shots. Two rolls the size of Texas and a few more the size of Montana, this is how structural engineers speak to architects. Try emailing that. Try faxing that over. Try to text message that. Try to fit that in your hipster bag and race it up the hill on your Pista.
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green, it aint easy being

April 6, 2008

Foster will soon rock the green unitard sans jersey.

Buying my favorite beer at one of my favorite mom & pops. Grandma, the older lady in what appears to be three generations of proprietors, smiles, waves, points at the six pack in my hand and laughs. Then, because she doesn’t speak English very well asks her grandson to ask me what I do for a living, all the while pointing at me and the beer and gesturing. I tell her via him that I ride a bike around town and that’s why I can buy so much beer from her, drink a lot of it and stay relatively thin.

See you. Have good day.

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she blinded me with science

April 5, 2008


April 4, 2008

A friendly reminder from Foster  

Saturday April 12: Volunteer Park Criterium

Sunday April 13: Brad Lewis Memorial Criterium

please make a note of it, and it too.

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leave your bike at home

April 3, 2008


April 3, 2008

Feels like nap time
Feels a bit shonky
2:34 pm
Feels like no-man's-land
Feels like there’s still hope
I can cover that
Are you fucking kidding me

Completely dehydrated with nothing but a swig of warm milk
Obviously dehydrated pissing americano with a hint of asparagus

Take it to the rack
Take it to the mailroom

Go strong or don’t go at all
Go to judge’s chambers

Don’t bring that weak shit inside
Don’t bring that unsigned order to the clerk

Look for the open man
Look for the guy in the dark suit

Kick it back outside
Kick it back to the client
Bring your A game
Bring me a bucket

Pick ‘n Roll
Pick ‘n Drop

Stop drop roll
Pick drop roll

Serve it up
Serve it on anyone authorized to accept

Lay it up lay it in
Lay it on don’t spread it thin

Drive the lane
Drive. just hang-up and drive

Penetrate the defense
Penetrate the defense

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three on the tree

April 3, 2008

A B C   1 2 3
One for you
Three for me

Four on the floor
Three on the tree

Are you blind
Can’t you see

One of these kids
Is not like the others
One of these kids
Is doing his own thing

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bills, it pays the

April 2, 2008

Poetry can be found in the back of an Auto Body shop. April is National Poetry Month. Poetry can be found in a Cave Singer. Check out Baby Bird live @ the BBC. Word. Words. Poetry. Puppy knew poetry.

Violets are blue
Roses are red
Like Bronco said
It’s all in your head

When you want to be with me
then we will see
who's fucking with my head


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repeat as needed

April 1, 2008

Where's the beef?

The guy in the red sweatshirt is raising his beer...perhaps a toast to tourists that take pictures of one-legged pigeons in Pioneer Square, a toast to messengers that take pictures of seagull poop on sculpture or just a toast to drinking beer in the morning.

I read a bit of a complaint I was filing in Superior Court this afternoon. A couple started a lawsuit against their neighbor over the Laurel Hedge on their property line and how it was trimmed too short. So much money, so much time, so many attorneys, so much bullshit. If I was the judge on that case I'd show up in their yard with a chainsaw and take care of the fucking hedge and the lawsuit. Leave the money-grubbing attorneys out of it and settle that shit out of court with little hard work and a little tough love. 

Howdy neighbor.  

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hang on the beep

March 31, 2008

the Patio @1301

stack it up Dog Park off Boren & Pine

backside o 1201

To the first person that can correctly identify in a comment below these three locations (be specific, tell me the address or lack of address and no half-ass zip code shit) these are locations that a lazy legal messenger like me might have been hanging because I was in fact at these three spots today.…to you, Ms Correct All Three Indentifier: a free custom-made pilderwasser T-shirt. Hand-made in Seattle and delivered via bicycle. Word.



Milkshake won a T-shirt

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quittin after one more last one

March 31, 2008

Do you know what hard work gets you?

More hard work.

Work it.

I’m an April Fool

Flip the calendar. That means something? It’s April. So what if it’s psychosomatic, it still means something. Like Lane said, it’s all in your mind. Like Cory said, it’s all in your head. But the placebo effect is still worth noting. It’s April and I want to take my front fender off. I know it was 37 and raining on Friday. I know it was really cold this afternoon when the thundershowers rolled in. But it’s all in my mind and there’s no better place for it to be. I’m taking that fender off and let me tell you, I feel aero, I feel light, I feel free, I feel less toe overlap, I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses of wet socks…

I’m ready to ditch the front fender. I’m an April Fool

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Bobo Doll

March 31, 2008

Monday is a Bobo Day


Made in ABQ 
keep it in the Big Ring 

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off the mark

March 30, 2008

Artistic interpretation
Complete lack of motivation
Vocation vacation

Not quite right. Like under inflated knobby tires on a newly paved smooth road. But not all wrong. Like a full suspension mountain bike with drop bars, slick tires, full fenders and bar ends with rearview mirrors on both sides.

Not warm and fuzzy like a hot toddy by the fire, fluffy white Bing Crosby snow piling up. But cold and dreary late March just that side of freezing rain hand numbing feet soaking I’m so over this winter weather snow fall.


whatever it takes

take it

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Daryl and the magic cereal bowl

March 28, 2008

I have no recollection of the events in question. I am without sufficient information and therefore can neither confirm nor deny the allegations.

The guy in the orange hat. The orange hat you just might see in a small town in Iowa on RAGBRAI. The orange hat you just might see at a top-secret underground boxing match. The orange hat you just might see in a cheap bar or an expensive bar with a friendly bartender.

Bought a Daryl and an unexpected bonus cereal bowl came along for the ride. Had it shipped to the office because UPS won’t touch my apartment building. All my co-workers were very curious, loving, touching, squeezing the strange package, thinking I ordered some sex toys or male enhancement products from a California sex toy company called Swobo

That’s not just any old cereal bowl. That’s the Shock Doctor, a flex-alloy shatter-proof cup. You should have seen the guy’s face at the courthouse when he spotted it in my bag on the x-ray machine.

I passed the cup or bowl on to Steve Young who will actually use it catching hard balls in the balls on Sunday afternoons.
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Come on Eileen

March 27, 2008

If you pour yourself into a relationship for 6 years, then walk away, you’re removed from the situation but never completely clear of it. A piece of you left behind and a piece of the relationship lodged in your heart like shrapnel. It will always be there and it’s sort of lumpy but with time it smoothes over a bit.

A swath of buildings including the historic Eileen Court Apartments will soon be torn down to make way for the Capitol Hill light rail station. I am all for progress and mass transit and would love to hop on a train and get to Sea-Tac Airport in 20 minutes, but I have some attachments to this old building after living and working there for 6 years. Not only as the manager but for two of those years also working for the remodeling contractor. Working overtime, it not only felt like around the clock, it was. I couldn’t go home and relax and forget about work, I lived at work. During that two year stretch I would occasionally sub at WA Legal on nice sunny days. That two year taste of residential remodeling is one of the things that pushed me back to the messenger world.

About 11 years ago the owner of the building went into bankruptcy and a trustee took over. A short time later a real estate company bought it for under a million. Which is a steal for a 24 unit apartment on Capitol Hill. Over the next few years they remodeled it from top to bottom. A new roof. Replaced the white trash Bavarian stucco exterior with beige vinyl siding, All new plumbing and electrical, new light fixtures in the hallways, new carpets. They even refinished all the original wood floors. High ceilings, huge windows, gas stove, claw foot tubs, old world charm with all the modern conveniences.

When I moved in, a studio apartment was $300. After the remodel, studios were $950.

Last year Sound Transit bought the building. I delivered some of the legal documents before the final sale and had a chance to flip through them. I’m not sure what the bottom line was but a fully occupied apartment on the hill in 2007 is worth some money and the monthly stream of income factors nicely into the value. Add to the original purchase price the extensive remodeling, and an expensive drawn out legal battle with one tenant who demanded relocation assistance and still, I'm sure the profits were handsome.

After six years of sweat and blood, picking up trash and unclogging toilets, hanging sheet rock and refinishing claw foot tubs, I was burnt out and exhausted. No quality of life but a healthy savings account. Money in the bank...at what cost? Are you working your ass off just to buy a flat-screen TV? just to make your car payment?

I hope to be there when the wrecking ball hits.

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analogous analog anal

March 26, 2008

When the dust clears I’ll be starting up a new website. A live web cam 24 hour feed available to members only, who with a password, will log on and check the time. The web cam image will look a lot like this, actually exactly like this, because it will be relaying digital images 24-7 of this old clock that has been broken for years. It is 3:33 twice a day and this clock holds steady. But don’t tell all those suckers out there that are looking for something to spend their money on. Membership will of course be expensive and exclusive and desirable. The more, the more, the more. In the lower right hand corner a digital clock will indicate the actual correct time in the Pacific Time Zone. Why wear a clunky old wrist watch when you can pull out your iPhone and log onto my site and see what time it is. Don’t trust the clock that’s built into your phone or computer. Buy into my site.

A follow-up site will be a 24-7 live feed of a VCR with its clock blinking 12:00am and in the lower right hand corner of the screen a digital image of an analog clock indicating the correct time.

Analog vs Digital
Or just digital with a price tag on the nostalgia of analog.

Ten years ago venture capitalists would've been throwing start-up money at me for bullshit like this.  

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a priest, a rabbi, a tow truck driver, a flight attendant and my dispatcher walk into a bar...

March 26, 2008

jump to conclusions, make connections, assume.

Sometimes it's the right thing to do. It's in your best interest. It's survival instinct.

Snap judgement, label, stereotype, compartmentalize, pigeonhole, evaluate in the blink of an eye...then move on. Work your way back later and clean it up if there's time. Or not. go with it. Dig deeper.

In the blink of an eye this morning, a white Mercedes came out of nowhere, came as close to T-boning me as a car has been in the last 3 years. My fault. My bad, sorry bro. My eyes blinked and my half-ass slow speed under caffeinated decision making almost cost me the RB-2.

It's hard to make snap judgements with your eyes closed.

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March 26, 2008

what if perhaps maybe

March 25, 2008

Sacha‘s T-shirt idea

appropriate for crowded elevators and clogged escalators

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March 24, 2008

Return to your cubicles
Nothing to see here
Shows over
Keep moving
slowly through the feed lot
Get fat fatter
Dumb it down
Keep your head down
Get up       get get get down
Extract some pleasure from that
microwave popcorn or one
last box of Girl Scout cookies
Whatever it takes to
avoid confronting the truth
You’re standing in line
Smiling content peaceful obedient
On your way to the slaughter house
Stop asking questions
Pay your taxes
Pick up some food to go on the way                                                                                                  in a Styrofoam clamshell
Read the memo
Get a haircut
Get in line
Get with the program
Get up      get get get down
Conform copy and return
    to do it all again and
Again the next day

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bottom line

March 24, 2008

On paper or as-the-crow-flies they appear to be a block away from each other. However, 516 3rd Avenue is a world away from 517 4th Avenue. Worlds apart in terms of convenience, elevation, social strata, spare changing, ratio of attorneys to bus stop detritus, free-locking bikes. How long does it take to replace a sidewalk? How big is a government contract? How much milk can a contractor milk if contractor must milk milk?

You’re telling me to grow up, acknowledge the facts and get serious. I’m telling you I’ve seen those facts and if that’s growing up, you’re kidding yourself.

Stop kidding yourself, get serious.
Stop being so serious, laugh a little.
Fucking up because you’re too serious. Or
Fucking up because you’re not serious enough.
It’s a fine line, so fine in fact, the end results, the final products, the sum totals are the same. No matter how you slice it, it comes up peanuts. Peanuts Nothing but peanuts in the end, so you might as well laugh a little.

It continues to be a quality of life issue. (it’s all horseshit)

It’s in my bottle cage on the 3rd Ave side.


stale Monday aftertaste?

have a grilled cheese sandwich 

the Dude abides 

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smell that smell

March 23, 2008

Peeps. The reason for the season. Easter is about marshmallow shapes and colors that do not occur in nature, all-you-can-eat buffets, a new pair of shoes, cleaning house, getting housed, going to church for the first time since the last time your parents tried to get you to go to church and giving up on giving something up, quitting quitting.

A can of beer
because I can

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March 22, 2008

sit in an office chair and ride a bike... the Dream Machine

I'm getting hard on myself sitting in my easy chair

In Seattle you can be an aggressive athletic rider and be a more passive rider at the same time, so order both options.

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watching you watching me

March 22, 2008

...it's so easy to see...

I took a picture of Seth taking a picture of some photo guy taking a picture of Leland and Steve. Behind me is Todd attempting to take a picture of me, Seth, photo guy, Leland and Steve. Justin is along for the ride watching the whole thing, laughing.

Sugarbear brought the party with him last night. Nothing goes better with cheap beer on a Friday night after a long week of work, than Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur, peppermint schnapps, Pimm’s, and various other hard liquors. The party kit even included swizzle sticks, colorful sword toothpicks, foo-foo umbrellas, and an official glASS rimmer.


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yoga straps and soy mochas

March 21, 2008

 Hey you, yeah you in the purple fleece vest made from recycled plastic bottles toting the yoga mat made from organic rubber and free-range bamboo fibers waiting in line at Café Fiori for your soy mocha served in a 90% post consumer recycled paper fully compostable cup smiling your big environmental smile living in your 4 million dollar LEED certified green home high atop Queen Anne Hill with your double pane windows and your dual flush toilets and your non-volatile organic compounds, yeah you. If you really want to help out, take a look at the environmental impact statement for raising just one of your cherubic blonde kids sitting in the back of your Cayenne that's running out front. Just one kid, we won’t discuss the SUV, the Weimaraner or the Vizsla, or your Tri-Delt Nordic Princess Corporate Tax Lawyer spouse’s spending habits.

I’m not angry. I’m laughing. I don’t ride a bike for the environment. I ride a bike to ride a bike and I drink black coffee and today is my Friday.

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March 21, 2008

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...

 A tale of a fateful trip to the Seattle Office of the Washington State Insurance Commissioner. Housed in a dark stinky corner of an old building on 3rd Avenue. The door is always locked but there’s a doorbell, an intercom and a phone. These three methods along with old fashioned knocking can be used to try to gain access to the office. The three options are offered only to slow you down a bit, to make you wonder if one isn’t working, should you try another, or should you try all three and then try knocking. The door isn’t locked for security reasons. The door is locked to slow you down, to give the office workers inside a chance to clean up, put their pants and shoes back on, fold up their cots and pretend like they’d been working for the last 5 hours before the messenger showed up.

Any actual work done by the Insurance Commissioner’s office is done in Olympia and consists of schmoozing, lobbying lobbyists, long lunches with politicians, eating, drinking, playing golf and other bullshit. The Seattle office appears to have no real function. When they finally opened the door and let me in, I couldn’t help but think of the seven deadly sins and how they were represented well in this stale government office. Represented better here than on Gilligan’s Island.

I handed the letter to John Doe office worker and said I just need a stamp on the return copy and the messenger slip. This was a tremendously confusing request to Mr. Doe. A long puzzled stare at the documents then at me then back at the documents. Then I said, do you have a received stamp? He said he’d look for one and asked which letter was for him. I said the original, the one on beige heavy stock paper with the embossed letter head at the top and the original signature in blue ink at the bottom. The copy is the other one, the one that says “copy“ on it , the one that’s a photocopy of the original which is in your other hand,  the copy is the one I need a stamp on.

He went off and found Jane Doe office worker who seemed to know where there was a rubber stamp stored in the office and they discussed the task for a while before he returned appearing to be proud of himself for finding a rubber stamp. But he still couldn’t grasp the copy-received concept or which document was for him, so he handed them all back to me. I handed him back the original and left the office wondering where these people come from, how they get jobs like this, why jobs like this exist. I am confident that one intelligent motivated person could perform all duties that the 5 or 6 people in this office get paid to supposedly do.

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do dew

March 20, 2008

I can’t go for that (no can do)
Do what you need to do
What else can you do
glistening with dew
It’s long over due
What should I do
What can you do
Do what you do

DANK bags...show me the money


money talks

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March 20, 2008

Day night. Night day. Light dark. Up down. Yin Yang. Front back. Good Evil. Heads tails. You make the call. Give me a call. Missed your call. Called you back. A two way radio. Cuts both ways. It’s a two way street. A string tied between two cans. Two can minimum before 11. Open at 11:00am. This one goes to eleven. Equinox.

Whole package. Big Picture.

Take it all.



Work it out.

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goes around

March 19, 2008

that's Jonny Sundt in the Kelly Benefit kit

that's Chad in a Kelly Benefits long sleeve

12.67 months later...what goes around, comes around.

coincidence, I think not.  

Reduce, reuse, recycle. Or just cycle.

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if it aint broke

March 19, 2008


From the land of recreational cycling, of occasional joy rides through the sunny warm fuzzy beautiful landscapes. Where bike maintenance and repair was a labor of love, done proactively. With no time constraints. With music in the background With a beer in my hand. With a smile on my face.

To the land of messengerville, bike riding every single day through the gritty grimy rainy ugly streets of the city. Where bike repairs are reactions to parts falling apart, disintegrating, completely failing. Maintenance becomes field medicine. And repairs are done triage style. Tolerance for “issues” with my bike has gone way up. Ignorance isn’t really bliss, but it makes for a less stressful day. Turn up the iPod and ignore that creaking. Continue to go with the assumption that the source of that rattling is the paper clip some joker put in my seat tube and not a cracked locknut on my rear hub.

It’s not quite right, but it aint broke and the last thing I want to do after work is fix it.

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teach them well and let them lead the way

March 17, 2008

Aw, mom, you know I’m not like other guys. I’m nervous and my socks are too loose…and I stepped in dogshit.

Mom proceeds to try and scrape the shit off junior’s boot with a dainty little straw from Monorail. Successfully removing a small pile of it right in the middle of my office.

Kid, you’re wearing boots, you stepped in shit, big deal. That’s what boots are for. Walk it off. The most traumatic part of the whole experience for you has probably been us ridiculing you, taking pictures, laughing.

When I was your age, there were no leash laws, no poop bags, no worries about all the kids on the field that might slide tackle in that Irish Setter’s shit at tomorrow’s soccer practice. We’ve all stepped in shit. Whatever. It’s how you handle the next step that distinguishes you. If your mom sits you down and tries to clean you up with the straw from her iced latte…that’s not just dog shit, that’s horseshit.

It’s OK kid, just walk it off. It’s not your fault, but you have to live with it.

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two guys walk into a bar

March 16, 2008

Two people sitting at the bar. Drinking. Venting. Unwinding. Talking shit about co-workers, bosses, underlings and work in general. They could be attorneys, construction workers, studio photographers, bike messengers, actuaries or electricians. Change the wardrobe, the titles, the locations, the vocabulary, the jargon, do you speak the lingo? But keep the stupid shit, the petty details, the complaining, the politics, the junior-high-level human relations problems. It’s all the same, only the names will change. I'm a messenger, on a steel horse I ride. 

Gotta go to work gotta go to work gotta have a job.

Two Jesi (jeez-i) walk into a bar.

Two termites walk into a bar. One says “where’s the bar tender?”

Two bartenders walk into a bar and…

Ask Cat about Horatio Alger and how important his work has been over time and continues to be in each of our daily lives. Ask Cat about what really matters and about what’s horseshit. Ask Cat what it all means.

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brass nipples

March 16, 2008

                                nice shirt Hurl

Sugarbear told me about this article in Momentum Magazine read it

Hello Hurl. Hello Carl. Hello Minneapolis.

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March 15, 2008

1988 Senior Year, Garvey High
Where all the guys were corny but the girls were mad fly

Any resemblance to actual people, locations or events is completely intentional.

Relax. Get over it. Roll with it. Move forward, look back.

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DANK bags

March 14, 2008

Laila Ghambari photo

they make nice bags down there at DANK

got me three of those DANK bags

I heard they're pretty cool guys at DANK bags

heard they have DANK t-shirts now

heard they like to drink some Indiana Pale Ale

heard they wear full-face helmets on the way home from the bar

heard they throw southpaw

that's what I heard


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know when to walk away, know when to run

March 14, 2008

Are you going to sit there and complain

Are you going to play the hand you’re dealt

Are you going to get up from the table
and walk away

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it's the end of the world

March 13, 2008

it's the end of the world as we know it

I don't drive a white van 

and I feel fine 


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bring it

March 12, 2008

doric ionic corinthian whatever it takes

unused potential

Limitless potential

death warmed over 

Death warmed over. And not very warm at that. This guy looks as if he died 20 years ago but has been showing up for work ever since. On time. Every day. Never missed a day. Going through the motions. Pale grey lifeless. No sparkle in his eye. No no no nothing. Emptiness. It’s not as if he’s counting down the days to his retirement with full pension. It’s more like he’s in some purgatory, some spiritual limbo just this side of hell, with no end in sight.

If it wasn’t so spooky maybe I’d feel some sort of pity for him. But what I really feel is grateful that this guy is here, that this mailroom exists in this shithole government building. Because Mr. Luke Warm will sign for anything and it’s a lot easier to find him in the mailroom than it is to find some DB government worker with just a mail-stop address and nowhere near a suite number.

Do you feel that?

Please make a note of it.

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unborn chicken voices in my head

March 11, 2008

Visions of RAGBRAI dancing in my head, dancing in the street, standing in the beer garden, beers per day, beers per hour, beers per dollar, dollars per ounce, pound for pound, power to weight ratio, alcohol by weight, alcohol by volume, turn up the volume, there are 15,000 people dancing in the streets of this small town in Iowa.

Mark your calendars, buy your plane tickets.

EAT more,

DRINK as much as you want,

BE MERRY, the bike riding is the easy part.

I’m not joking.

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March 11, 2008

Vernal Equinox Party at my place, guests will include:

John Steinbeck, Johnny Cash, David Byrne, Marcel Duchamp, Keith Haring, Jackson Pollock, Lucy Lui, Jan Stenerud, Eckhart Tolle, Frank Lloyd Wright, Venus Williams, Serena Williams, Lucinda Williams, Beck, Rainer Rilke, Cindy Sherman, R. Crumb, David James Duncan, Sue Bird,  Steve McQueen, Goody Blick, Sheldon Brown, Raymond Carver, Archibald Sharpe, Earnest Hemingway, Albert Hofmann, Bob Mould, Eddy Merckx, Prince, Temple Grandin, Sheryl Crow, Daniel Day Lewis, Jackie Robinson, Jackie Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Erykah Badu, Bob Roll, Kurt Cobain, Wes Anderson, Jane Goodall, Noam Chomsky, Maria Sharapova, Bill Withers, Joni Mitchell, Juliette Binoche, Paramahansa Yogananda, Patricia Arquette, Hall, Oats, Thao, Cecilia Bartoli, Anoushka Shankar, Julia Child, Annie Dillard, Madonna, TC Boyle, Shelby Lynne, Elliott Smith, Pele, Georgia O’Keefe, Cal Ripken Jr., Carl Jung.

BYOB. Creative athletic artistic types drink. A lot.

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Hard Riders Wanted

March 10, 2008

there's a story here. I'll tell you about it.

to your face. in person. for real. really.

Or you can try and figure it out 

Like Claire said, she's probably somebody‘s bucky   

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what are you looking at?

March 10, 2008

What are you looking at?
What are you looking for?
What are you talking about?
What       are you kidding me?
What time is it?
Over here
Over there
Under here
Over cooked
Over board…no, just bored


See Steve Young for Slow Monday tickets. Available until Noon.

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on & off

March 9, 2008

I can spot a rookie from a mile away. Which makes it very easy to recognize a seasoned professional. I’ve been a bike messenger, on & off, since May 12, 1997 and I’ve been hanging out in bars, on & off since August 25, 1987.

Of Bartenders and Messengers I speak. Two vocations close to my heart. Two vocations I’ve spent some time observing. On & Off, but mostly on.

Mostly on.

There is something attractive about naïve, virgin, bumbling cluelessness. But confidence, intelligence and experience are sexy. Given the choice I’ll go with the pro every time. The choreography, efficiency and energy of a professional create a beautiful dance. No wasted movement. No backtracking. Carving graceful lines through the chaos, taking care of several things along the way. Making it look easy. It is easy at times. It gets that way after 10 years. But to the untrained eye it looks as if the pro is slacking, cruising, moving slow. These untrained eyes also see the rookies moving quickly, expending lots of energy and assume they’re working hard. But the truth is the rookies are working hard on not much at all, working hard on stupid little shit that the pros would do without thinking if the rookie wasn’t in the way, taking up space, collecting a paycheck.

When the shit goes down and the work cranks up, so does the pro, taking it to another level, the next gear, getting it on. The efficiency and production go way up. The work gets done correctly, on-time. The rookie continues to crank at the same pace, appearing to be working just as hard, but fucking up important details when the pressure is on.

Getting it there efficiently, doing it right the first time, is a whole lot faster than getting it there in two minutes and fucking it up. That was an Ex Parte by Noon, now try to go back and fix it. Ex Parte is closed until 1:30. That was a veggie burger with bacon, now try to go back and fix it. The customer’s lunch break is over.

I respect rookies, I used to be one. I enjoy watching them, seeing their confidence grow, charting their progress, noting changes in style. The learning curve is steep and in just a few weeks a new body language is displayed, a new confidence gained.

It’s all very interesting, unless I’m on a tight schedule and I have to work with them, wait for them, or mop up their mess, then it gets annoying and I start to forget where I came from and worry about where I need to be.

What time is it?



Thao with the Get Down Stay Down would've totally Omaha'd Xiu Xiu last night but they're all from the Bay Area and the show was at Chop Suey.

Thao kicks ass and could have filled the place unplugged solo.



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fresh air

March 8, 2008

Messengers aren’t going away they’re going the way of the paper boy, the TV repair man, the milkman and the doctor who made house calls. Daily papers are going away and from the comments regarding the P-I article about messengers, it appears most people won’t be sorry to see us fade away. However some people have voiced their concern about the loss of human contact, of actual human interaction in this electronic age.

In an office environment of fluorescent lights behind large plastic panels among acoustic tiles in a drop ceiling, everyone and everything has a sickly pale sheen. The lights give off an audible hum nobody notices. Paired with the drone of the ventilation system it creates a dull white noise forming a the background to a long boring office workday filled with beeps, chirps, squeals, whines, murmurs and buzzes. Breathing recycled air.

Actual conversations are stilted and brief. Filled with phrases like got your email, got your text, shoot me an email, text me when you find out. Conversations of any length usually concern the weather, the game last night, American Idol, or the new season of Survivor. Most of the day is filled with phone calls, intercom blurbs, IM pop-ups, and loads of email.

In walks a messenger. Glowing, shining, sweating, radiating the energy of physical labor. Smelling like freedom. A strange mix of sweat, teriyaki chicken, beer, Old Spice and chain lube. She sometimes throws down the package and runs. She sometimes needs the signature of the CEO or to serve the Registered Agent personally. No she’s not your Bucky. No she doesn’t want to have a seat and read a magazine. Yes she’d like some water. No it’s not raining. No she wouldn’t want your job on a day like this.
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step into my office

March 7, 2008

A warm spot in the sun, cold beer in hand
A warm cup of coffee, a cold seat on the cement

Step into my office, pull up a chair, find a spot on the coffee beer continuum. We’ll talk with Andrea about how groups of people adopt public space for private use. Taking over a street corner, a bench, a hangout. Hanging out. And we’ll discuss how these groups of people, can be intimidating to the average passerby.



TK said it best: “Being a messenger and paying to race in an alley cat after work, is like being married to a porn star and renting one of her movies."

I'm looking California feeling Minnesota

today is my Friday

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March 6, 2008

October 2006

March 2008


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what I hear you saying is

March 6, 2008


She got exactly what she asked for
But she didn’t get what she wanted
Because she didn’t ask for what she really wanted
Pointing fingers, assigning blame, blaming the messenger

I did some research at the courthouse yesterday, 442 pages worth. Locating, printing out and delivering documents to a legal secretary. The documents she asked for. She got every single page of the documents she asked for. Unfortunately they were not the documents she wanted. Attorneys blaming secretaries, secretaries blaming messenger companies, dispatchers blaming messengers, and finally the messenger saying “fuck all y’all, because I did my job, I did it correctly, quickly, professionally and efficiently”

Ask for what you want, directly. Save all the social niceties, all the Pacific Northwest indirect passive aggressive shit, all the dancing around the subject trying to be the cool guy nice guy good guy. No need to attempt to finesse it out of me or manipulate the situation attempting to achieve your goal.  Say it. Ask for it. Get to the point.

Say what you mean
Mean what you say
Ask for what you want
When you get what you asked for but not what you wanted
Don’t blame the messenger

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PM Legal

March 4, 2008

Tyler, Stacy, Fever and AG...1997ish

If you took this photo, let me know, and I’ll give you credit.

Like Adam Smith said, we’re actually just a few degrees from PM Legal. If you’re reading these words right now or if you’re a messenger or if you live in Seattle that's the truth. A few more degrees and everyone can be traced back to PM.

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March 3, 2008

Bonzo Goes to College (1952) sequel to Bedtime for Bonzo but did not star Ronald Reagan

Reagan Bonzo status quo business as usual business casual casual Friday casual sex no strings attached the price you pay the cost of doing business business as usual

all the time every time most of the time half the time my time out of time this time War Time election year recession transition chain of events connections relationships cause effect conflict drama climax resolution transition status quo this time there might not be a next time this could be the last time

commas semicolons punctuation you catch my drift you make the call you decide proximity chronology astrology proctology

220...221 whatever it takes

uncork a bottle of fizzy wine 

laugh while you can monkey boy



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days of our lives

March 3, 2008

Erik Jahnz photo 

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, I used to run other people’s errands all day. With a brick-sized radio turned up full blast and a purple vest worn at all times. Riding on the sidewalk was forbidden. From Fremont to Georgetown. From Pier 55 to Madison Park. From East Aloha to West McGraw. Nine hours in the saddle, 55 miles on the bike. A few dollars in my pocket. Caloric output consistently exceeding caloric intake. At the end of the day a pint of beer would kick my ass.

Today I run errands for a few attorneys all day. With a cell phone as big as your land line. Riding on the sidewalk all day. From the Courthouse to 2101...and not much further. 8 hours on the clock. A couple hours in the saddle. A few dollars in my pocket. Caloric intake, yeah, yeah whatever. A pitcher of beer isn’t enough.

To all you kids taking a week off. A seven day sobriety test. A detoxifying detour from your routine. Here’s to your liver. Here’s to your kidneys. Here’s to you.

I’ll drink to that.

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off the hook

March 2, 2008

The next piderwassser design.

Visualize this fish in grayscale on your chest, on your back, on your rib cage, on your new T-shirt.

Send money.


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it was what it was

March 1, 2008

On the seventh day of spring
she said “let there be exposed skin”
and it was good

March 1st, it is. Nearly time to Spring Forward, which is cause for celebration up here at the 48th parallel. Do you need another reason to celebrate? Do you need a reason to drink more? Do you need a reason to drink less?

On their second date
she said “we’re not really dating”
and it was what it was

Looks matter. If looks don’t matter, don’t look. If looks don’t matter why do they make white spandex? If looks didn’t matter why’d you look? You looked.

On the fourth day of RAGBRAI
she said “I like your RB-1”
and it was like, love

I have no recollection of the events as described. I am without sufficient information and can neither confirm nor deny the allegations. My attorney has advised me to shut the fuck up.

Like dickstank said, the correct answer is E.

If you don’t know what you’re talking about

A. talk louder
B. make something up
C. crack a joke
D. all of the above
E. shut the fuck up

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March 1, 2008

As hard as a rock
Cushy pillow soft my ass
NJS approved

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February 28, 2008

I want it all to make sense
be logical
add up
cook down
fall in
work out
turn on
pay off
A little something, you know, for the effort
        …goonga galoonga…

I want it all and I want it now
I want to have what cannot be had
 name what cannot be named
 do what should not be done
 expect the unexpected
I want a healthy return on my emotional investment

I want candy, I want candy
I want to get away, I want to fly away, yeah!
I want to get high,       so high
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
              I want to renew you again and again

I want to be free to do what I want to do

I want to clear-up on the hill with nothing on the board
       be bored on the hill sitting in the clear
         drinking for hours with nothing on my tab

I want to be your Bucky
I want all the jobs on my line
all the lines on new jobs

I want an Oompa Loompa now daddy


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Albert Hofmann

February 28, 2008

a dose of reality

a dose of altered reality

just a dose 

do si do 

a glimpse into another reality 

what's real? 

I don't know, why?

 she swallowed the fly 

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February 27, 2008

Gimme a chirp
Got my finger on the button
The hardest button to button
Got an uncontrollable urge
Can’t tell you all about it
Got an unscratchable itch
Can’t touch this
Got a general malaise
Can’t identify
Words cannot describe
Take a picture
It lasts longer

Wednesday is a working day

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above the fold

February 26, 2008

Leland and Chris both made the front page of the P-I

Double headline, giant full color photo, full front page "news" inspiring over 100 comments from readers on the P-I website, many expressing their joy in seeing messengers disappear from downtown Seattle, many expressing their ignorance and abundance of free time to post comments on newspaper websites.  


Look ma, no pants

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smell of freedom

February 26, 2008

Mike Kane P-I photo

Read the article in today's PI,

see the photo gallery, listen to the audio slideshow,

tell your parents you're in the paper. Tell your parents I'm in the paper.

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what are you eating under there?

February 24, 2008

I'm doing a limited run of pilderwasser boxer briefs. American Apparel Men’s Large black & white. $25. They run small. They'll fit you. They'll fit your girlfriend. They'll fit your boyfriend. Understated, subtle, tasteful. As elegantly simple, as simply elegant as a Phil Wood bottom bracket. Only your close friends will know what you’re rocking down below.

But you know it’s there and that’s what counts.

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what we have here is

February 24, 2008

Tyler Goldsmith photo 1998ish

No helmet: $103
Blowing two red lights: $103
Eye contact with motorcycle cop: $103
Questioning authority: $206

I’ve been pulled over a few times. Gotten a few tickets. Heard some interesting things from cops. But I’ve learned to look over my shoulder for the familiar colors of Seattle’s Finest while I casually roll through intersections. I’ve learned to listen for the sound of an SPD motorcycle. Most importantly I’ve learned not to make eye contact with the cop that was sitting there the whole time watching me blow all the lights on 3rd Avenue down to King County. And if I do get pulled over I keep my mouth shut. Long ago I was pulled over by the cop you see pictured here and I said “What?”  when he mumbled something to me and that was enough to get written up.

Late one night, One red light, no traffic in sight, a messenger with a little attitude and a little bud in his pocket got stopped by a bored cop and got himself a night in jail. True story.

we wanna be free We wanna be free to do what we wanna do…

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ride me

February 23, 2008

I won’t tell you what you ought to say
no need to tell me what I want to hear
Feed me honest truth
Fill me with wild ideas
Fill me with black coffee
Warm me in cold beer
Bring me to the proper PSI
Take me to another chakra
Ride me in your special shoes
Ride me to the library
Ride me into the sunset
Ride me across Iowa
Ride me for the sake of riding me

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thighs of steel

February 23, 2008


Evening Magazine recently featured Jason the messenger with thighs of steel



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read a book, read a book

February 23, 2008

Ten Points by Bill Strickland.

I have in my hand an autographed copy as we speak....

Not just a book about bike racing. A book about being a father and a husband. A book about dealing with demons from the past. A book about pushing beyond your insulated comfort zone. Not just a happy-happy-joy-joy feel good read, because life isn’t always like that. Not just a book for gear heads or bike racers because life isn’t always like that. There’s more to it.

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I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true

February 21, 2008

 Why did the attorney cross the road? How many legal messengers does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s all about the struggle and reconciliation of opposites. Just because I’m here, working in the service sector I am not going to kiss anyone’s ass or even pretend to. I’m not telling you that you need a check for $200 with your monetary King County filing, I’m asking you in a suggestive way if you need to attach a check…because you’re the attorney, I’m the bike messenger and I’m waiting for you to tell me there should be a check with these documents. Copy that? WWDD? I’ll do what you say, even though I know it’s wrong,  I’ll let you know what I’ve done in the past many many times, I’ll explain what my experience has been and then I’ll take very good notes and fuck it up because that’s what you told me to do. You’re the attorney. I’m the messenger. Do you want me to do it right or do you want me to do what you say? I’ve never actually said that to these legal schlepsters. But I say it with my eyes. I say it in the gaps between the words I actually verbalize. I say it with my breathing. 

You’re the man. Oh no, no, no...no really, you’re the man.

Today one of my coworkers handed me some documents to file at King County. I glanced at them, stuffed them in my bag and rode to my next stop and made a pickup. Then I took a minute to really look at that other job and noticed it was missing a check, I looked up at the guy next to me on the elevator and said, 

Are you an attorney?

Yes, he says with a puzzled look

don’t you need $200 to file an answer with a counterclaim? I ask

Laughing he says, I do criminal defense, I have no idea and I’m sure you’d know better than most people

Thanks, I say…

So I called the client, got her voicemail, hung up, called my dispatcher, then took it back to the client. The secretary that sent it out went to the dentist so another secretary came out and said file it anyway.

Copy that.

In a couple weeks I’ll go back to that client and pickup the originals with a check for $200 and a note from the clerk explaining why it was rejected on February 21 and mailed back to them. And then I'll file it again.

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no man's land

February 20, 2008

Graham Watson photo poached from VeloNews

Jonny Sundt earns his money getting his team some valuable face time in the Tour of California.


Claire was right, The Straight Story is a great movie. Check it out. Perfect for RAGBRAI training, it even includes a RAGBRAI scene and features the town of Laurens which was recently on the route. This film will give you a real feel for the Iowa landscape.

Really. Real.

Keep on rocking 25.4 in the 31.8 world.

Here's to one inch threaded headsets and quill stems.

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roll with it

February 19, 2008

20 minutes basking in the sun on a bench near 36th & Pacific on the Burke-Gilman was plenty of time to witness some classic bike--car interactions at the intersection where 36th crosses the trail. The chuffinest of chuffers expect that motorists see them at all times and yield to them and that this beautiful bike path somehow means something to a guy in a truck on his way home from the lumberyard. Motorists rarely see you on the road and they sure aren’t going to see you on a bike path approaching an intersection at an odd angle from a lower elevation. You’re on a bike, and to many motorists you might as well be on a pogo stick or a razor scooter on the playground.

Expect it. No need to dwell on it. Roll with it.


Life is a beautifully ripened blackberry hanging right at dog-piss level.

Eat it.

Life is a rusty nail sticking out at eye level.

See it.

Life is a big fat expansion joint in the road, running parallel to your front wheel, all day long.
No matter where you go.
No matter which way you turn.
There it is.

Work with it. Deal with it. Roll with it. Get over it.

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Are you my Bucky?

February 18, 2008

Are you my Bucky? pilderwasser T-shirts in Royal Bucky Blue will soon be available in Men’s Medium and Large. Other colors available in other sizes. Nick Dale and 22 Joel your shirts will be the first screened and delivered via messenger in the next 7-10 working days. Everyone else…like those guys down at DANK bags say, money talks.

In addition, there will be a very small run of baby rib knit American Apparel pilderwasser black and white boxer briefs in Men’s Large, because that’s my size. Other sizes could be available soon if there’s interest. And I have a new understated simple RAGBRAI shirt design now too for all you people out there who want a taste of Iowa to wear around town.

All these items are $25 including shipping. I take cash, checks and PayPal.


The Presidents’ Day Sale at DANK bags, included a can drive and was a huge success. Many cans were brought in, many cans were consumed. Nobody left empty handed. No left hands were empty.
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Presidents' Day Sale

February 17, 2008

Look over there
There's a lady that I used to know
She's married now or engaged or something so I'm told


Context, location, intention, direction, costume, wardrobe, get up, get down, add it up and write it down. Passing through, passing throw, passing threw. Through, throw, flew, flow. Through, finished, done, concluded, over. Overflow, over throw. Up through. Throw up, vomit, hurl, chunder, puke.

Like Cat said, she can walk through the core without a messenger bag on and go unrecognized. Just another anonymous pedestrian. Brandon can drive through the core in a minivan giving friendly honks and waves to passing messengers and go unrecognized. Just another guy in a car honking at cyclists. If Cat was on her bike, we’d all see her, give her the messenger nod and greetings. Brandon on a bike would bring far more waves and smiles of recognition. Like I told Vanessa from the PI, it’s hard to find another job where you can roll around on a bike and 100 people know your name.

It’s hard to say Presidents’ Day with out saying sale. President’s Day Sale! One day only! Years of conditioning, conditioning us to consume. We’re all consumers. Consumers consume. A day off from work is a great day for shopping and buying and consuming.

Haven’t touched a bike all weekend., maybe because I’ve been touching so much beer. But this holiday thing is like having an extra Saturday. Cosuming.

Mr. J. Grisham took this photo at the Lincoln Monument in 1998.

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ring of fire

February 16, 2008

Love     is burning thing
and it makes     a fiery ring

Love is cheap incense I bought in a grocery store in Bellingham in 1993. What to keep? What to let go of? What to burn up? What to dispose of in a dumpster far from home? The incense was horrible. Horrible. The package however was priceless. A keeper. Recently unearthed from the pilderwasser archives, here it is. Let me draw your attention to the playboy tattoo on the gentleman’s right hand.
talk amongst yourselves 


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one more time around

February 15, 2008

Life in the small city is not always what you read in the travel magazines. It’s not always vibrant, colorful, spicy, sexy, spunky, edgy, trendy, heady, intelligent, literate, educated and exciting. Sometimes it’s dull, grey, anonymous and tepid.
Sometimes it’s boring beige boxy brick buildings.

Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t.

One more time around might do it

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picture frame

February 13, 2008

any given day, 4:01pm

February 13, 2008

On his way out the door the attorney signs off on all the documents. He’s got a 4:30 tee time at Broadmoor and he’s running late. As soon as he gets the pen in his hand, his secretary calls the messenger company. “it’s on the copier” she says, but it’ll be “ready in 2 minutes” and she’ll have a King County filing with copies for the judge, as well as copies to opposing counsel at four different addresses downtown. As soon as she hangs up the phone the dispatcher chirps me and unloads it all onto my plate. I hop on my bike and ride towards Two Union to pick all that shit up. Yeah whatever. Soon I’m on 7th Avenue crossing Union heading for the tunnel when the attorney in his Porsche Cayenne, comes flying out of the parking garage below and squeals into a left turn onto Union. At the very last second he sees me and slams on his brakes. He scowls at me as hard as he can from his expensive shell. But by that time I’m already passing him on his right, anticipating his move, assuming my invisibility. I make eye contact with him, smile and just shake my head, because I know how close he came to hitting me, I know he’s an asshole, but I also know he might be one of our clients. Seattle is a small town. The attorney is absorbed in his little bullshit world, aren’t we all, but he is so nearsighted in his nearsightedness, he’s oblivious to the fact that I am going to pick up his very important legal documents and I am going to file them with the court and get to all four opposing counsel offices in the next 20 minutes, before he even gets his golf shoes on and steps up to the first tee.

I might like you better if we slept together

I might like you better if you drove a Cayenne instead of that janky old bicycle

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are you on a bicycle?

February 13, 2008

Bike messengers can weave in and out of traffic, avoid construction and get from Pike to Pine in a matter of minutes... read the full article for more fun filled facts

and check this out over on HTATBL it's good stuff  

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expiration date

February 12, 2008

The end of an era, the end of my second 4 year commission as a Notary in and for the State of Washington, residing in Seattle. This is it. No mas. This time I’m not renewing it, or I should say my boss is not paying for me to renew it and I have no interest in renewing it myself. Outside of work I think I only performed 2 notorial acts in 8 years. And as a rolling notary, my numbers have been way down in the last few years. Back in the day I used to do a couple rush round trip notary signature jobs each month for one very large law firm. My favorite part of those jobs was asking the suits for photo ID and watching their reaction.

Of ending eras I speak, and here’s an era unmatched in Seattle Messenger history. The fridge at WLM, leaking, dripping festering liquids for years. Containing a variety of aromas and growths. It kept countless thousands of beers at various temperatures for years. But it is time for this unit to retire and be replaced by a younger, more efficient appliance.

Speaking of long careers, unmatched in the history of Seattle messengers. 22 Joel is the man. Over a quarter century as a bike messenger. That’s right I said 25 years. A lot of you kids weren’t even born when Joel started rolling downtown. He’s now working at a coffee shop in the core, so stop in and say hi to him. And Joel you will be getting a first edition Are you my Bucky? t-shirt hand delivered via messenger as soon as I print them up.


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I want to dive into your ocean

February 12, 2008


Seth here’s your song It was a challenge to ID the artist based solely on your rendition from last night but I did it and I can see clearly now, the rain has gone. It’s all in your mind. Keep in mind the upcoming Bike Swap not to be confused with the Bike Expo Back in the day both happened on the same weekend, just a stone’s throw from each other in the shadow of the Space Needle. Not anymore. Please make a note of it. Note to selves: watch for Jonny Sundt in the The Tour of California Big time race, big time racers, racing big time. The Kelly Benefits team is strong this year. Finally because it is still February, here's one more thing I’d like to draw your attention to, the pilderwasser Book of the Month Some people don’t like to read reviews of books or movies that reveal too much of the story. If you’re one of those people, don’t read the reviews just check out the book. There are 147 holds on it at the Seattle Public Library and several stores are sold out of it. But the author will be at Elliott Bay Books on February 19 and I bet you can find a copy there.

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this is it

February 10, 2008

1. This is it

2. there are no hidden meanings

3. you can't get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go

you can read more of the list if you want. I like it. I like it a lot. My dad sent it to me this morning and it makes me think of a tourist family on the corner of 5th & Pike asking a question of me and Leland and Cory and Chris because we're loitering there and we look like we know our way around Seattle. And my answer to their questions being: "this is it" or "you can't get there from here" and then, that corn-fed family from Nebraska thinking I'm just a drunk messenger fucking with them, when the truth is, I speak the truth.


this is it




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messenger, bicycle

February 9, 2008

Jason on a box job. A box job on Jason.

Jason enjoys bulk. He seeks it out, asks for it, prefers it in fact. Because because because… …because it’s one of the things he does. Because it pays well.

One of the skills a messenger develops is the ability to carry boxes on their handlebars. This skill comes in handy during RAGBRAI when you stop by the store to pickup a 30 pack of Busch Lite and your friends are waiting for you under a shady tree in the park. Rolling it back into town on your handlebars, you make new friends quickly.

The guy in the middle is a messenger, the other two guys are not.

and that's the truth, the following however, is not a true story, it’s fiction inspired by fact.

A woman talking on her cell phone, shopping on her lunch break was walking towards American Eagle on the sidewalk near 6th & Pike Street, when she was struck by a cyclist. The impact spun her around, knocked the shopping bags out of her hand and sent her cell phone flying. The cyclist stopped for a moment and made sure she was OK, spoke into his radio a few times and rode away.

In her adrenaline-induced rage, in her rage-induced haze, the woman assumed the cyclist was a messenger. He was on a bike, he had a radio, he was wearing a bunch of bike “gear”. So this woman called the police to complain, she told her boss and coworkers the story, she told all her friends, she wrote a letter to the editor, she spoke to the city council. This woman spread her word about bike messengers and how they’re a menace to society, they’re dangerous and the should have to get licensed, there should be a law against them.

But that cyclist was not a messenger, that cyclist was a MID ambassador on a bike. The Metropolitan Improvement District (MID) ambassadors roam the streets but mostly they roam the sidewalks of the core on foot and on bikes. I’m not sure what they really do all day but occasionally they provide helpful information to tourists and sometimes they hassle homeless people for public urination or for sitting on the sidewalk. On the spectrum between cop and rent-a-cop security guard, they don’t even register. They’re closer to hall monitor and like a janitor. They have radios and they wear enough rain gear for 3 people. They do not look like bike messengers, unless you have never seen a messenger, unless you get hit by one and you’re lying on the sidewalk and all you see is a bike and all you hear is a radio.
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...orange whip?

February 8, 2008

Who wants an Orange Whip?

Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips.

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see change sea change

February 6, 2008

Spare change, loose change, real change
Change if you spend a buck
Sea change
Change your mind
In a span of a traffic signal
The wait for one red light
Enough time to change my mind
And change it back again
Rolling towards my goal
But upon arrival, giving it only a glance
A look askance
And rolling on, not even slowing down
Turn and face the strange
Change will do you good
Change must come from within
Change your tune
Change your mind
In the span of one elevator ride
Enough time to change my mind
Twice again
Enough time to change my shirt
Enough time to take a monster bite out of
a dried up pastrami sandwich
and choke it down
All the way down the hall to the right, last door on the left
Stamping out face pages
Blowing out bread crumbs
Onto the reception desk
Smiling an apologetic dried out pastrami sandwich smile
Change the date
Change your socks
Change the way you look at things
Change your mind


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Wednesday is a whacking day.

February 6, 2008


February 5, 2008

long story short

February 4, 2008


Jimmy went back to the text message six or seven times that night, scrolling through it, searching for some hidden meaning, some subtext, some inside information, a nuance, a message that, of course, couldn’t be written in mixed company, a little something just for him, trying to read between the lines for something… anything that would say what wasn’t being said.


Mark dropped his 1420 and was headed to 1001. When he unlocked his bike, and caught a whiff of kybo, that strong unmistakable smell, he was instantly transported to RAGBRAI, he looked around for the source of the aroma and spotted a Honey Bucket truck on Pike Street, sucking the shit out of a couple units in the alley between 4th & 5th.


That red headed woman who only exits the building on her coffee breaks, was exiting the building. Strapped into her iPod, reading a paperback. Obviously she had no intentions of quieting her mind, or attempting to find silence through yoga or meditation. She was in full-on drown-it-out mode. Letting those little voices in her head compete with the Stone Temple Pilots and the Lady of the Lake series #17.


Long story short

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bike ride bike

February 3, 2008


Let's let the artist describe this one himself. "The beautiful feminine champions of sport as seen every day in magnificent action in the mass media are inevitably a source of inspiration to the artist in search of visual imagess that are heroic and at the same time erotic in their wholesomeness, and that are also, it must be said, one of the more positive phenomena of the 'post-modern' age. And so, happily, we dedicate a special section of this issue to portraits of the athletic female figure in action, interpreted with pen and ink." You'll gape in awe at the skill and reverence of these portraits of tennis "champeen" Serena Williams, Playboy's Hugh Hefner (with lady friends, of course), and over 30 other women who have struck Crumb's muse.

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life aint nothin but a good groove

February 2, 2008


















Sometimes I think about things. Things other than brake pads, chain lube, uneven spoke tension or locknut lip clearance. But even when I do think about bikes, there’s a soundtrack playing in the background of my mind. A song for every occasion. I’m a fan of mix tapes, even the ones that are actually on cassettes. Today I rode my bike to the library to pick up a movie and randomly pulled this book off the shelf and decided to take it home for a couple weeks. Check it out... I recommend it.

This book appeals to me because song lyrics and song titles are always creeping into my vocabulary. If someone has said it before, and set it to music, why not refer to it, use it, say it, sing it. Some part of my brain is devoted to Top 40 songs from the 80s and random songs from allover. And this book is not just some feel-good fluff, he’s got something to say.

here's a mix tape I work on once in a while. it only exists in that imaginary space between my computer and yours, but sometimes that's just enough.

Peter recommended this movie to me. It’s the reason I went to the library today, and now I’m recommending it to you. It's one of the best documentaries ever. If you watch this and Grey Gardens, back-to-back, you might need some time to recover.

February, it is.


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texture and rhythm and flavor

February 2, 2008

This here's Bret in ABQ.

Check out Joe's blog Steam Bike and keep up with his story. I see Saint John as a microcosm of what's happening in the messenger industry as a whole. It's not just an interesting story, it's the future.

Red Herring


When the Super Bowl follows Ground Hog Day in a Leap Year, history has shown, anything goes.

Hold on to your catheters.

so many words, so little time



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light at the end of the tunnel

January 31, 2008

I enjoy time to think. But all day to think can be unhealthy. A little hard work helps to keep my mind off of things that I don’t want to think about. And the past few days there hasn’t been much hard work but there has been a lot of standing by, sitting down, zoning out. I’m even getting ridiculed by hard-working commissioned messengers. Some are jealous of my steady hourly wage and my lack of work. Some just can’t accurately express their feelings about the whole situation and all those emotions work their way out in other ways.

Underemployed times two. Actually underemployed to the third power. Working as a bike messenger is one thing. Sitting around as a bike messenger is another, but sitting around for hours when it’s 36 and raining is the worst.

Idle time recently has made me think about moving on to another job. Another employment situation. Another source of income. Not another “career” because that word gets in my way. I read about a paralegal certification program and thought about how I could do that. I thought about it for a good 10 seconds then laughed and said NO WAY.

There are times when I feel like I’m doing paralegal work pointing out mistakes to legal secretaries, calling them out to the front desk to explain things to them about their court filing, calling them on the phone from the clerk’s office to explain things some more. A rolling paralegal. I know my way around the courthouse. I’ve been in a lot of law firms in Seattle, I’ve been in some of them hundreds and hundreds of times. I have a feel for which ones would be OK to work for and which ones would really suck. The chi of Seattle law offices could be a page or two in kickstand. But the bottom line is, my favorite part of working with lawyers, legal secretaries and paralegals is going into their offices grabbing the documents, and getting the hell out of there and back outside. I do not want to spend my days in one of those offices.


this job sucks.

no wait, this job doesn't suck as much as your job sucks



PS…early this morning before I drank my coffee I thought I should “upgrade” to WordPress for this blog thing. But nothing happened and it just held the whole site in limbo so I tried to change my mind. So if your links are jacked that’s why. Next time I start a blog I’ll start there but it’s difficult to transfer translate. Copy?

PPS...I don't have a myspace page. You can contact me here. Copy?

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R. Crumb

January 30, 2008

at the Frye Art Museum as we speak.

It's kind of a big deal

and it's free, always, becasue Mr. Frye wanted it that way. 

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logic vs emotion

January 27, 2008

The number of questions far exceeds
the number of answers
answers inspire more questions
can one street, address, house, office building
that in appearance hasn’t changed much
take on such a range of meaning
Such different contexts in the same physical location
Like Mr Spock
Half Vulcan -- Half Human
Logic and Emotion doing battle
And it’s not always a fair fight
many emotions can be attached to a leftover Greek salad
You’d be surprised
I’m not hungry anymore
Under the cover of darkness
Inching back the intellectual property line
Far beyond the assessor’s measurements...uncharted territory
Until I am finally ready to build a fence
protect my hard-earned knowledge

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new improved

January 27, 2008





Bike people understand when they see someone taking pictures of their bike leaning against a wall, a wall like this green one on my street. If you’re reading this, you’re more than likely a bike person and you more than likely have taken a picture of a bicycle.

This 1981 Soma, that I bought from Adam Smith at Bike Works on 10-9 Day in 1999, has morphed just a bit. Inspired by the addition of a new 5-rail CETMA rack This bike is an all weather grocery bar coffee shop utility cruiser. I flip-flopped the rear wheel to the free wheel side, added a rear brake, huge platform pedals, riser bars and a front fender. The risers make it feel much more Saturday afternoon and I do believe make me look 10 years older. I know now, it is possible to be more upright and more laid back at the same time.

Cat knows what's up.  

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jury demand

January 26, 2008

I've got a jury demand...

take the fucking stairs!

It's your civic duty. Especially when the 4th Avenue entrance is closed due to "cold weather" Especially when you all return from the 701 food court at 1:00pm and the line is out the door. Especially when you only need to go up one floor. Especially when there are 27 of you and herd mentality set in long ago, way back when you learned to stand in line in elementary school.

As a legal messenger in and for the County of King, working in Seattle, I encourage you to take the stairs.  

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January 25, 2008

from where I'm sitting, on the steps at 7th & Union, it's already here.

Take a step back and make your eyes go out of focus, squint a bit and you can view the messenger industry as gage of the economy. We don’t just have our fingers on the pulse of Seattle’s economy, we’ve got our fists wrapped around the rectal thermometer of Seattle’s economy.

Seattle is a bit different from the national average in terms of unemployment, housing costs, and quality of life issues. But I smell some recession muffins cooking right here at home. The construction boom downtown is huge and it appears that when that pendulum stops swinging there will be some surplus office space and condos on the market. I have personally noticed a big decrease in the number of real estate documents I’ve been taking to the Recorder’s office. Take a look at that and then look at the Seattle housing market.

If you carefully compiled data over a 25 or 30 year span of Seattle’s messenger history you would see trends that correspond directly with what was going on in Seattle in terms of construction both commercial and residential, housing prices, commercial rent dollars per square foot, dot-com bubbles, electronic court filings, Boeing burps, Paul Schell’s term in office, all of it. All of that and more.

The number of messengers on the road, the number of messenger companies in the yellow pages, the number of tags pulled down per day, the number on the far right of my pay check, the number of messengers sitting around looking at each other and saying with a smile, “it’s a dying industry…”

It’s a rush pick up.

You’re looking for an economic stimulus package from The Man.

If it’s not ready when you get there, keep track of wait time.

He said it may not be ready until June.


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January 25, 2008

the time is now. round trip airfare to Chicago from Seattle is cheap. all you need is plane ticket and gas money for the team bus and some beer money and you can roll RAGBRAI with pilderwasser. I'm serious. Leaving Seattle July 17 returning July 27. Tell your boss now, you're taking a week off. I'm serious. 

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January 23, 2008

The soul is no traveler;
The wise man stays at home.
He does not go abroad with the hope of finding
    somewhat greater than he knows.
The soul that is plain and true
    dwells in the hour that now is,
    in the earnest experience of the common day,
And the mere trifle becomes porous to thought,
    and bibulous to the sea of light.

        --Ralph Waldo Emerson


 I am all for bibulousness at the sea of light.

The common day. And filling trifles with holes of thought. Whole thought holes.

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two and two

January 23, 2008

I see your mouth moving. I hear some words coming out. I know what you’re trying to say. I’m pretty sure I understand your intentions. But it’s not in sync, it’s not even close. It’s like John Wayne’s voice dubbed over a scrawny little character in a low-budget martial arts movie. Or a bad dream involving clowns and carnival rides at the county fair. Or some kind of performance art with spooky face paint, playing uncomfortably looped phrases in the background. You don’t need to lie to me. I’d prefer you saying nothing at all, to some bullshit story trying to appease me. 4 minutes my ass. Save it.

You said, “it will be ready in 4 minutes, can you wait 4 minutes?” That’s a great one. I’ve heard “two minutes” a million times, so 4 minutes was novel. Yeah, whatever, I’ve got 4 minutes.

18 minutes later I called you out again to let you know I had to leave in one minute in order to get to the courthouse by 4:30. Then you said, “oh… we’re just going to send this in the morning, so we’ll just call you back”


Have a nice day.

In those 22 minutes of wait time I looked at my watch about 21 times and the Nextel clock about 9 times. But I had plenty of time to practice my shadow monsters on the office wall at 1191. This is me doing my Migraine Boy Messenger shadow. 

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full on

January 23, 2008

Full moon, full on, full of shit
Big ring, big stinky, big gulp
Half pint, half way, half ass
Granny gear, granny smith, granny panties

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Cave Singers

January 22, 2008

Saturday 1-26-08 Neumos

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bring it

January 21, 2008

cold, lonely, long, slow, no-work work day in honor of MLK

the Coliseum Theater is one of the finest examples of Tera Cotta Seattle

three faceless women

if you call yourself a photographer

Does that mean you need to be proactive and seek out subject matter, to actively seek photos, to hire models, to play the part, to walk the walk, to fill out the empty promises?

If you don’t call yourself anything

Does that mean you can sit in a chair on a really cold day and drink cold beer and wait for the photos to come to you?

look up, look down, look out, look all around


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mid-day at the oasis

January 21, 2008

oh baby you...

...you got what I need

Maria knows ...Maria knew, 34 years ago.

Spicy Teriyaki chicken with steamed rice = $3.50. They also sell deep fried burritos and egg rolls served up quickly along with a wide variety of beverages in convenient single serving sized containers. No line. No wait time. No fluffy trendy half-ass bullshit. Service with a smile. Honest hard working mom ‘n pop proprietors who look me in the eye and say,

“have good day” and they actually mean it.

And I look them back in the eye and smile and say thank you and I actually mean it.


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protective layers

January 21, 2008

How do you prepare for a ride when it's 25 degrees?

With layers. How do you prepare for a 30 mile ride with a friend at a moderate Saturday morning pace when it’s 25 degrees? With layers. How do you prepare for a series of short rides, punctuated by long pauses and stretches of standing-by downtown? With layers. What if it’s a national holiday and all the courts are closed and almost all the law firms are closed and it's 25 degrees?

How do you prepare for a ride of incredible intensity followed by long stretches of standing by unsure of when the next call will be or where it’s headed? With layers. Layers of protection. Layers that got tossed aside when the heat was on. Layers you thought you wouldn‘t need again. At times, stripping down to layers that never saw the light of day. But then the road turned, the sun went down, and you found yourself scrambling for those protective layers. Layers that next time you may not be so quick to shed.


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she was like that with everybody

January 19, 2008

when I get this feeling, I need CETMA rack healing.

Thanks to Lane of CETMA I have upgraded to a sleek new 5-rail rack on my Soma. I still have the older 6-rail but this new one is lighter, features a luxuriously smooth powder coat and is still stronger than allgetout.

On the way home from work I have no motivation to stop at the grocery store for food. Same goes for the next day and the next and the next, until finally I am down to peanut butter and tortillas and decaf tea. Or maybe I’ve been going to Bimbos instead of QFC too many days in a row. Well, finally on a Saturday I get motivated by hunger and go the store and buy a lot of groceries and put them in my double strap DANK bag and on my CETMA rack. I can even put them in the bag then on the rack. The possibilities are limitless. Have bungee will travel.

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what we talk about when we talk about everything except what we really need to talk about

January 18, 2008

Dispatched a rush to a courtroom on the 8th floor at King County. Trial in session. Attorney needs these documents NOW! The special instructions on the messenger slip read: “Attorney is a white male wearing a dark suit. You’ll see him. He’s waiting for these, it’s urgent.” Shit. We’re in Seattle in the courthouse, how many white guys in dark suits could there be? 30? 50? 150? Oh and it’s urgent. Oh, OK.
I am messenger, hear me roar.

Whatever. King County Courthouse, here I come, for the 217 billionth time.

As I stroll up to E-842, I turn my Nextel down to vibrate and take off my hat, but I don’t touch my cell phone because nobody ever calls me. I pull open the door like I know what I’m doing and enter the courtroom. Several heads turn, the bailiff glares at me as I scan the room for my white guy in dark suit. Not just any white guy, but the one that really really really needs this shit in my hand. No words are spoken but some serious body language is exchanged in those 14 seconds. There he is. Here you go. Here I go…but just then my phone rings it’s 87 calling and it’s loud and it’s the Commodores “Easy” The judge stops proceedings and points at me. She winks, she smiles, she nods her head and sings along with my man Lionel Ritchie.

I wink back, and say “hey Your Honor, you have a great weekend”


What if you work for a small legal messenger company and you are expected to standby “uptown” which means City Center. Because that’s where everyone else stands by, that’s where a very big client is and that’s one building the drivers know how to find. And during slow times you read books, magazines, newspapers, conspiracy theories and zines while sitting on various benches and in various chairs in the lobby, especially when it’s 37 degrees outside. OK that’s cool, warm and dry and well read. It’s the same on the weekends as the rest of the days. But what if around 3:00pm Mr. Poopy pants strolls in and sets up camp in a chair upstairs. What if he smells as if he shit his pants last month and has been riding it out since, and not just riding it out, but adding to it. What if he has no plans to leave the building because it’s warm and dry in there. What if building security is a bunch of minor league rent-a-cops that couldn’t get piece of gum unstuck from a greased slab of wax paper. What if they’re all so clueless, that they think it’s a plumbing problem. What if it soon smells so bad in the building that you cannot breathe. What if you look around and it seems that no one else is experiencing the traumatic aroma. What if you’re forced to exit and standby in another building. What if I'm not making this up?


Humans with healthy “normal” eyesight can experience a field of vision spanning over 180 degrees. Clearly focused in the center of the field of vision with diminishing quality at the periphery. You know how it is, rods and cones and the whatnot. You cannot really see clear detailed images off to the side of your head while you look forward and focus on some detail, but you sure can sense movement and light and general dynamic shifts. You can catch the drift, if you catch my drift. However, take a government worker, put her behind a desk, behind bullet proof glass and give her a computer and you can toss all that vision stuff in the trash. This woman in the Federal Building has 8 hours of workday to kill. She’s not updating her Myspace page, she’s not looking at amateur porn, she’s not studying for the LSAT, she’s not doing government work, she’s playing solitaire. And when I approach the window, I can see the side of her head, I can even see her right eye. But apparently she can’t see me. I could watch her finish this game and the next one, and the next one too if I had a chair to sit in. I scratch myself as loud as possible, I jingle my keys, I key up the Nextel, then finally I put my face up to the little vent in the bullet proof glass and say “excuse me”.
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residual shampoo residue

January 17, 2008

today is my Friday 

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limp fish handshake

January 16, 2008

some phrases that make my eyes light up, in different shades of blue, depending on the context.
Word. Words. Word.

All you can eat
Happy Hour
Free Beer
Live Music
Wine & Cheese
Bad pork chop

Chicken Shit
Anti inflammatory
Syrup of ipecac
Alcohol free
Ultra sensitive
Long lasting protection
Long term goals
Comfort zones
Ruby Slippers
Make do
Make up
Over due
Over done
Over done make up
Thin veneer
Limp fish handshakes
Daily Special
White belt
Studded belt
Kevlar Belt
Rust Belt
Bible belt
Below the belt
Tighten your belt
Inside the Beltway
Rust proof
Water proof
Water resistant
Stain resistant
Merlino wool
Virgin wool
Smart wool
Dry Clean Only
The smell of freedom
Is it raining?
Gray Area

Bathing suit area

peace be with you
Pleased to meet you
hope you guess my name

That greater force…which cannot be named

word words word
If you meet Buddha on the road, kill him

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January 16, 2008

4130 chromoly steel natch

4130 is the PLU number for Pink Lady Apples

Coincidence? I think not.
I like steel bikes. I like Pink Lady apples. I like them a lot.


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tastes like chicken

January 15, 2008

The point of no return. (PNR)

That phrase inspires a variety of things in a variety of people. To JP, it no doubt brings this Nu Shooz song to mind. But in this specific moment, this one spot-lighted, laser pointed, parabolic focused context, this is what it means to me. The Point of No Return is that moment when you have eaten enough of the food in front of you that no matter what the dispatcher throws at you, you’re golden, you’re set, you’re fine, can’t touch this, bring it, whatever. You cannot afford to wait in line on your lunch break or your so-called lunch break. So you choose establishments that offer food fast, which may or may not be “fast food”. You choose places that don’t offer a place to sit and chat. No bullshit. Or you choose to eat when the rest of the downtown population is not eating. Today I went into on of my favorite bodegas at 12:07pm for some spicy teriyaki and there were at least 20 construction workers waiting in line for the same thing. The same goes for any respectable place in the core, just substitute pasty office workers for hard hat wearing blue collar wouldn’t want your job on a day like this workers. So I turned around and went for another option, which happened to be Café Zum Zum, two hours later. If everyone zigs at 12 noon, I”ll choose to zag. I’ll sit and read the book review on my lunch break and try to scarf down some food later.

So this is where the point of no return comes in. It’s 10:43am or 2:12pm and you stop for some food because there are no lines and you’re hungry. You get the food and start sucking it down and when you’ve eaten enough of it so that no matter what your dispatcher barks at you, you can cover it comfortably, you’ve passed that point of which I speak. You can casually finish eating and do what you need to do. In that pre PNR stage you’re visualizing packing it up and one-arming your food to your next stop or double bagging it and stuffing it in your messenger bag to slowly leak all over your work and personal possessions. There is no post PNR because when you achieve the PNR, you’re set, you can smile and relax.

If I put on a messenger competition it would include a food event. Because many times in my messenger career I have stopped to ponder the elasticity of my own stomach as I’ve sucked down a Zum Zum special in 7 minutes, a Down Home Burrito in 8 minutes, or a pile of teriyaki and rice as well as 3 beverages in no time at all…and then hopped on my bike and went to work and held it all down. I’ve met lots of bad-ass bike riders but not all of them could stomach a Down Home beef burrito with black beans on a spinach tortilla and a pitcher or two of Rainier and ride their bikes like they normally do. That’s right I said pitcher, not pint.

I’d like to think, I’m past the point of no return, in general, all the time and there’s no Nextel chirp that can ruin my lunch. I’m not really there yet but I’m working on it.

PS:  87, your snoop’d nu shooz are here 

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January 14, 2008

Extreme. To the extremes. Gravitating to the poles. All or None. On or Off. Black or White. Yes or No. Hot or cold. USE EXTREME CAUTION.

Looking for a happy medium. A warm grey area. Like a shower in a claw foot tub with really old plumbing that needs to be finessed into a comfortable mix, not too hot, not too cold. Like that.

Toggle switches and their visible predictability, their audible flip, their satisfying simplicity, they’re great. But life isn’t always so ON or OFF.

Last week I found a sign much like the one in this photo. But it was the uber-reflective flexible vinyl kind supported on a cross-frame. It was crumpled sans frame and muddy and soaking wet in the gutter on 5th Avenue and at least one earwig was living in it, but the orange caught my eye and I picked it up, rolled it up and stuffed it in my bag. A short time later I gave it to DANK Bags. 24 hours later I had a custom clip-on coozie made of uber reflective orange street sign. 48 hours later I had a custom EXTREME top-tube pad made of the same sign. Photos will follow soon, when it’s not dark ass crack soaking ice storm I can’t feel my hands cold wet.

Note: DANK bags is that locally owned and operated messenger bag company that I like to refer to as if they were a big operation just to keep the chuffers thinking what they’re thinking. But it’s really just Cory. And Cory makes the finest bags and accessories and if you want some of that you need to talk to Cory. Word.

Note #2: CETMA racks are made by hand in Eugene, Oregon. It is also not a huge operation. CETMA is Lane. And Lane makes very fine racks for your bikes. Lane knows utility cycling. Lane knows messengering. If you want some of that talk to your local bike shop and talk to Lane too. More to follow soon when I get my hands on that special delivery from CETMA that’s sitting at base right now.


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Iowa...a place to grow

January 12, 2008

follow Cat's example, mark your calendars for RAGBRAI  


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what it is

January 11, 2008

so this messenger walks into a bar...

bartender says, "why the long shadow?"

and why are you riding in that bike lane the wrong way up 2nd Ave?

that bike lane is for chuffers, southbound chuffers



I put all my eggs in one basket, all of them. And went for a ride. But it wasn’t even my basket, I was just borrowing it. Then they called and said they wanted it back, they needed it back now, and so I got stressed and dropped it, dropped the whole thing.
Now I don’t feel so good.


It was what it was
It isn’t what it was
It wasn’t what it is
It is what it is

I know what it was
I know what it is

I know
What’s in my bag
What time it’s due
What time it is
What time I have

I know

What it is
It is what it is
I know


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serving suggestion

January 10, 2008


Because I'm not supposed to.

Why not?

Because you want me to.

Recommendations, suggestions, traditions, laws, customs, rules, regulations, requirements, dress codes, uniforms. At times I view traffic laws, traffic signals and lane markings like suggestions. I hear what you’re saying, but I‘m not feeling it right now, I mean it’s not really speaking to me. Like an overly doctored photo on a box of pasta with small print in the corner that reads SERVING SUGGESTION. Or the lines in a coloring book that are so predictable and vanilla it feels like a joke to actually take them seriously. When someone talks at me, as if I were in the principal’s office, using sentences that start with words like traditionally, the new policy is, you’re required to, the law states, the family has done it this way for generations…I get turned off, turned away, turned in, turned the other way. An eloquent poet in Rage Against the Machine said it best, when he said “Fuck You, I won’t do what you tell me!” then he said it 15 more times with feeling at the end of Killing in the Name.


I like postcards , I like Bimbos, I like Bimbo's postcards and I wonder what my grandma thinks of Bimbo’s Burritos postcards. I wrote her one this afternoon and when I dropped it in the mailbox, for some reason I was reminded of a hand written note I saw, years ago, taped to the mailbox on 6th Avenue West at Crockett, across the street from Targy’s Tavern. It said something like “my son’s backpack was placed in this mailbox this afternoon, please call me at this number so I can recover it” That little note said so much. It brought an image of some kid getting his backpack taken away by a bully or even an asshole friend who then ran around with it for a little while, the owner in hot pursuit, then the chase ended at the mailbox as the backpack was stuffed in.

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a whiff

January 10, 2008

Long pants, long shorts, short pants, short shorts.

One afternoon this week I caught a whiff of spring in the air, just a whiff, a hint, a reminder. Like the smell of an old friend. I’m not sure where it came from and it was fleeting and even if it was all in my mind, it was there. 40 degrees and the first week of January but I smelled it. And it was encouraging. It made me want to keep my job for a little while longer. Long enough to start cutting more and more cloth off the cuffs of my pants until finally in May or June they’re full-on in-your-face short shorts. Yes. Rolling around in a t-shirt and shorts. 100% cotton. Sweating.

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two lane blacktop

January 8, 2008

Looking to the future through a filter of the past
Interpreting the unknown within a framework of the known
Yeah, uh huh, yep
Once in while, there’s a special place
Where the filters get peeled off
the framework gets left behind
and nothing really matters too much
Just roll

Take me to that place

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vectors, scalars and cheddars

January 6, 2008

Take it to the rack.
Go strong or don’t go at all.
Don’t bring that weak shit inside.
You buy Sharp Cheddar or you don’t come home
aged extra sharp white cheddar.
With it or on it.
Moving through the haze with purpose and direction. Riding a bike as if I’ve got someplace to be, something to do. Aggressive and assertive but not reckless or careless. Focused, tuned in, warmed up. Taking the line I need to take, regardless of traffic. I am a vector cutting through a vast sea of scalars.

I believe this is a much safer state to be in, in traffic. Safer than drifting aimlessly, afloat without purpose, letting the tides of traffic dictate my path. However once in a while I like to drift along with a cup of coffee in hand or a cold beverage, with no particular place to go and when I feel that way I ride slowly, Saturday afternoon-like, or on the sidewalk.

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gimme shelter

January 5, 2008

background music here:  remix  

Hibernating through January, I suggest these two films. Gimme Shelter (1970) Documentary on the Rolling Stones 1969 tour and Altamont Concert. And Grey Gardens (1975) an amazing documentary about Big Edie and Little Edie, mother-daughter pair, aunt and cousin of Jackie O. Worth watching more than once, it inspires some questions. Take a look at the original trailer on YouTube.

Both films were made by Albert and David Maysles. Both are available at the library. However the waiting list for Grey Gardens at the Seattle library, is months long, I finally got my hands on it last night.

Two thumbs up.


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January 4, 2008

This week the feng shui in the core took a huge step back towards normal. Traffic was light and was made of drivers who consistently drive downtown, and when downtown they drive consistently. Office building lobbies felt light and airy and spacious in the absence of gaudy, overly decorated giant Christmas trees. Poinsettia pyramids were tossed in the trash. Government workers looked to their calendars with long faces, but the next three-day weekend is only a couple weeks away.
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disco very discovery dis cover

January 4, 2008


seek and you shall find

at least assume the posture of seeking

pretend like you're looking for something

you might not find IT

you will find something


A friend asked me to check the lost 'n found at the bar for her rain jacket.

Didn't find her jacket but found one that fits me perfectly.


I've been searching for a word to describe the ability to see so clearly in other people what you cannot see in yourself.

At times it’s arrogance, or ignorance, or hypocrisy, indifference, vulnerability, self-absorption, not-so-keen observation, a two-way mirror that needs a good cleaning.
shut up and dance


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Phil and Kevin and Devlin

January 3, 2008

 Devlin at a Wright Runstad messenger lunch

Kevin after the Cross Town Traffic Alley Cat  



Here's to you Phil and Kevin and Devlin




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two thousand eight

January 1, 2008

In 2008 I have resolved not to drink less, because that’s horseshit and that’s as played-out as 1100 Olive.

In 2008 I have resolved to be fully aware, present and attentive to the beverages I consume.

In that simple resolution, is a parable.

In that, is the truth.

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high five

January 1, 2008

thanks for the high five  How to Avoid the Bummer Life

right back atcha

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