what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

Dr. 37 Mike photo

I’ve been exchanging photos with Dr. 37 for a while now. We used to send shots of Swisher Sweet wrappers in situ. Now we’ve moved onto discarded dental picks. They’re everywhere. And once you see them you can’t unsee them. I’m glad Junior Junior hasn’t trained his eye on these things yet because he’d be pointing them out all day and night. 

Much like overflowing garbage cans full of individually wrapped single serving sized multicolored plastic baggies of dog shit, the discarded dental pick is a recurring theme here. They started to get my attention back in the day when I was a legal messenger and I’d see them on sidewalks all over downtown. 

These fucking things don’t just melt away like an unwanted ice cube. I’ve been watching one for a few months now in a parking lot near my place of employment. It’s faded and scuffed up but it’ll last another 10,000 years or until somebody sweeps it up.  I don’t understand why anyone that gives a shit about flossing their teeth doesn’t give a shit about chucking their used dental pick on the ground. 

as we speak, the pilderwasser collective is making its way across Iowa for its 16th consecutive RAGBRAI as this Chris Murray photo illustrates. 

Chris on the left has done every single one of them. Jimbo on the right has done almost every single one of them. I've only done 7. 

part of me wishes I was there sweating balls, riding bikes and drinking beers in the shade under a tree in the next town.

until I get back there I'll continue to work a little RAGBRAI into my daily life. 

There are a series of coordinates in three dimensions that come together just so. A recipe. A ratio. A combo. A composite. An amalgamation. There’s no simple formula but it can be repeated within an acceptable range. It occurs in nature so naturally the fakes are easy to identify. It’s hard to define, but I know it when I see it. Just like Potter Stewart said. It all happens in the blink of an eye. Subliminally.Triangulate. Calculate. Size it up. Your brain runs the numbers but it’s not a math thing. It’s a tip of the tongue, back of the throat, base of the spine, gut feeling thing. 

you’re unique and special 

just  like  everyone  else

shut the fuck up 

get in line

don’t ask questions

this is what SIX FEET looks like

until fucking further fucking notice

you’ll get nothing and like it

I like the idea of the thing. But when I’m presented with the actual thing it pales in comparison to the idea of the thing that’s all in my mind. 

like a fish needs a bicycle

shit in the woods

does the pope

like a gateway drug

it's a slippery slope

take  a  step  back

widen  your  scope

not so sure about the

non-traditional isotope

lather      rinse      repeat

antibacterial liquid soap

sincerely for real   really

authenticity?         nope

I’m a frayed knot

said the rope

why the long face? 

the horse began to mope

two bike racers walk into a bar

the bartender says,  dope

a  figure  of  speech

a groaner     a trope 

periwinkle

perianal

paralegal

paranormal

penny whistle

pornographer

porterhouse

pollywog 

parabolic

parable

parallel

panty line

pharmaceutical

phenomenon

psychedelic

paraphernalia

pillow officer

pilderwasser

parsimonious

parlance

paraphrase

plagiarize

pessimistic

personality

patriotic

pattycake

parasitic

passenger

public notary

peppermint patty

particular

precipitate

paradox

paralysis

purple turtle

purple turtle

ponzi scheme

pipe dream

paranoid

pantomime

pressure treated

plywood

parenthetical

philosophical

perpendicular

prerequisite

perpetual

potential

pensive penmanship

peptic puke

pretty persuasion

personal perversion

prefabricated

portrait artist

pigeonholed

progression

pell-mell pedestrian

probability

pickle bucket

pedal pusher

please

p l e a s e

There is no new normal just as there is no way-it-was. 

Looking back over the past 18 months peeling off the masks, after all the attestations, warning signs, stickers, directional arrows, stay home posters, one way signs, face mask demands, adhesive six foot ruler graphics, mean-muggin personal space dances, zoom meeting, home school, sore ears, hand sanitizer dispensers, disinfectant wipes, vaccination attestation thousand mile stare...

I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one’s making a please sign. It’s a poster I recently altered at my POE. When I say alter I don’t mean photoshop. I mean scissors and tape. please. I believe it boils it down and sums it up. please. 

Here and now in 2021 you can pronounce it however you want. fluidly flowing among or between or back and forth. 

please  /plēz/ or /puh-lēz/ or /plēēēēz/

repeat as needed

please

The word punctilious came to me from Bret in ABQ on the back of a postcard cut from a Marble Red Ale six pack which reads  “punctiliously brewed in ABQ NM USA”  As I told Bret, I had to look it up. 

This may be the one and only day I’ll use that word in a sentence as I prefer short-shorter-the-shortest word that gets to the point. I do however have a deep appreciation for attention-to-detail.  Maybe I should just say I dig details. 

You’ll often find me talking to myself as I roll around town on a bike going over things I’ve gone over before. Repeating repeatedly.  Back in the day when I was a legal messenger and expected to catch the mistakes of highly trained legal secretaries, paralegals and attorneys, I’d be mumbling to myself “we appreciate your attention to detail, unfortunately it’s all the wrong details” 

But the details are where it’s at. Sometimes I go downstairs for a zip tie or electrical tape and I get distracted with some petty detail like a Scott Norwood card stapled on the wall oh just so and I forget why I went down there in the first place. Some say that’s called getting old. I like to call it attention-to-detail.  

Barking up the wrong tree is fine with me. Just keep it outta my face. 

HPO photo bro

in situ resource utilization

that sign now has a new home in the 98520 

ANK -attempted not known

UTF -unable to forward

RTS -return to sender

When the School of Public Health sends out a few thousand magazines, a few hundred get returned with bogus addresses. They say that’s not a bad ratio (unless you’re playing baseball) 

But if you’re the guy schlepping it all back to the mailroom, that shit gets heavy. 

If it’s all happening at the tail end of a global pandemic the pile of shit fans out to represent global health in more ways than one. 

the crack of a cold

roadmaster echoing off

office plaza walls

On the 4th of July my sister usually texts me a link to that goddam Chicago song with a man selling ice cream, singing Italian songs...   You know    Saturday in the Park. This year she threw me a Joni Mitchell curveball. 

A few years ago I got this Seurat painting at a yard sale for $3    gold frame and all. I think I chose to forget the real name of it but mishmashed it in the back of my mind as Saturday in the Park - pointillist. Probably because of that goddam Chicago song. It’s actually called A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte

A few days ago I decided to silkscreen on the thing in Bucky Blue because I don’t take gold-framed artwork too seriously. However, the paint was runny and I smooshed the shit out of it. My kids laughed at me. Then today I hit it again with white and the blue became a drop shadow. As if I meant to do it all along. I think it was the 4th of July. 

Are you my Bucky?

As of a few hours ago I’m the proud owner of a Wheel Fanatyk tape measure. Some might say it’s just another tape measure but those in-the-know know a tape measure means a lot. 

When I worked on bikes all day, I insisted on having a tape with both metric and standard and I thought that was about all I could ask for. Park tool makes one but it’s tepid and doesn’t make me want to write a paragraph.  

The Wheel Fanatyk tape is great for several reasons. You can actually feel its quality in your hand. Ric’s description sums it up so well he sold me on it enough to buy one for myself and another for a friend. 

I worked a bit for some contractors that were framing houses and they were particular about their 25' tapes in other ways. But I’ve never seen a tape measure printed on both sides with so many features ideal for a bike mechanic. 

what the fuck would Stevil do? 

I believe he’d have a Rainier 

what’s one beer? 

in the afternoon

what’s one beer? 

in the shower

what’s one beer? 

in a Profile Design cage

what's one beer?

in your coffee cup

what’s one beer? 

in a DANK coozie

what’s one beer? 

in the context of a self-help book 

what’s one beer? 

in-hand   it beats two birds

what’s one beer? 

in the grand scheme of things 

that’s eight beers 

is that all there is?

imagine Zeppelin II on cassette crackling through the 55 year old intercom but barely audible over the overworked HVAC

I wish this Benson sold sixpacks of tall cans for $4.59

thanks to S. Neil Larsen for the inspiration for this most recent dramatization that got the child actors to go outside and reenact in 105 degrees fahrenheit