segway
May 21, 2008
Ellen M. Banner photo Seattle Times Wednesday, do you want me to do it right or do you want me to do what you say? Client relations my ass. If I wanted to call the client I’d work in the office and make more money and gain more weight and eat more donuts. Can I put you through to her voice mail? No thanks her voicemail won’t answer my question, is there anyone there that knows anything? I’m not calling to chat I’m calling for a reason. Just so we’re clear on this, you suck. Keep track of wait time. Bad suite number, bad address, bad zip code, bad security guard, bad building directory, bad apple. I have a new healthy disrespect for School Bus Drivers. This guy is an agro unreasonable dangerous asshole who happens to be employed driving a school bus in Seattle, but because of him I will never be able to look at school busses the way I used to. One bad apple is more than enough to taint my barrel full of judgment heaped upon all. I respect school busses full of kids making stops letting kids off, picking kids up. I’m not a reckless idiot. But an empty school bus with an agro asshole driver sitting at a red light is a different story. Insert job title, sub culture, stereotype, zip code whatever…there’s a bad apple for each. Goes around. It does. Yup. There’s enough for everyone. Taking it upon yourself to educate someone on the ways of traffic, while in traffic, is a losing battle, a waste of energy. If I had 45 minutes to calmly discuss all this with the fucking agro bus driver I would have. But I was on my way to work, riding down Denny. Perhaps in his mind he was looking out for my best interests and trying to help me out by pinning me to the curb at a construction site with no sidewalk on which to bail, then trying to pin me to the other lane of traffic when I went left, then reaching out his window and trying to grab me, yelling at me and laying on the horn. Perhaps. Yeah perhaps. Bill Withers, red wine, Pinot Evil in a 3 liter box, red sauce, Land O Lakes butter, onions, garlic, mushrooms, angel hair, spicy Italian sausage, Jackson 5. Cooking dinner 3 nights per week. I’ve got an extra key. You can move in Saturday. And maybe that kid the other day that stepped out into the street was just testing the friction on my brake pads, seeing how much front brake I could grab before the rear tire started to fishtail as I went into a nose wheelie, testing how much brake I could grab and still not slow down enough to avoid hitting him, investigating how hard he could get hit by a messenger while jaywalking because he heard he could always blame the messenger, trying to pretend not to see anything because his hair was long and in his face. All that, yeah all that and more. But he was unable to ignore the primal guttural death scream I unleashed from deep within when I was inches away from contact, a split second from launching him 20 feet north of his last known location on Eastlake Avenue. He heard that. He felt that. and stopped and got back out of the way. My bike is on the level, your bike Mr. 999, is fucked. Riding that bike is like going camping with a giant gas-powered generator so you can plug in your TV, cook your dinner on an electric burner and power your electric air compressor to inflate your kingsized air mattress. The more shit you pile on, the further you get from the essential experience. It’s no longer camping, it’s “what movie do we want to watch?” or “is the extension cord long enough to reach the tent?” It’s like that, it’s no longer a bike ride it’s a fiddle with this dodad, adjust that accessory, strap down another bag onto the bag on the bag, unnecessary mesentery, synchronize the four clocks onboard experience. Too much is never enough it’s always too much, right Dan. ? How can Seattle expect to gain any respect as a cosmopolitan city, a destination vacation location, a financial powerhouse…when our meter maids ride Segways? Weak week. today is my Thursday.
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pilderwassser
said...
this one goes out to Flapjack. And this http://youtube.com/watch?v=EGtTblTR0YU goes out to Ali. My money is on Dave Matthews in the next boxing match vs. Kenny G.
Posted May 21, 2008 10:13 PM
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mary*
said...
did you know that today there was a tacoma vs. seattle competition for who has the nicest drivers? i swear to god. saw it on the news, score takers and all, winner takes 10,000$ but all i saw today was a heaping helping of douchebaggery. whats new?
Posted May 22, 2008 06:56 PM
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holy fuck
said...
my mom loves that Kenny G. Good Lord. I can't get that video out of my mind. I remember when it was on VH1 and my mom would see it and say "yeeeeeah I loooooooooooove KENNY!!!" and then turn up the volume. Or in the car, when his shit would be on KLSY. She would clap, turn up the volume and then step on the gas and yell "woooo!" in one swift motion.
"Hi I'm Kenny, and this is here is my alto-sax I like to call Rascal, let us serenade you while you gaze into my jeri-curl.
Posted May 24, 2008 10:37 AM
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