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beef jerky face

August 14, 2020

photo Shaggy from Westside 2009

words below from Shaggy 2020

 

 

Mark-

You won't get many of the references, and you might get bored and stop reading, but as a the craftiest wordsmith I know, I thought you might enjoy this toast to my old company and roast of my old boss.

I sang it to 7 messenger lifers at a socially distanced croquet match this weekend. Sung to the tune of 'We didn't start the fire'.

And Cheers. 



WE ARE RETIRED BIKERS

Time to spit some history
Bout a little company
Dates to Juana’s crackhead days
A place aptly named Breakaway

Around for 20 some odd years
Started in a basement drear
4 leaders start the co.
Red,Orange, Green and Gold.
Money slowly starts to flow
Moved upstairs with a room to grow
First bags were Timbuk2
Then came Chrome, both tan and blue-

SHARPIE and his sparkle bag
10 from Dank and then came Shag
LASTLY SHAGGY HAD TO HATE
ON THE BAGS THAT CAME FROM FREIGHT!

CHORUS
(We are retired bikers
Kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings
We are retired bikers
We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving )

Standby on the steamers stoop,
Prescription Center, one big loop,
time to go and wake up Chrome: he’s on lunch drunk and still at home.

Twelve pack in the foxhole, van trip to the stupor bowl, brown town, foot down, yellow's appetite.
Hot bob, gravy train, wind up balsam aeroplanes, plum thumb, bum terds,
breakaway nights.

Gold takes a buyout, Red’s third share dies out Red says 'Orange, it's him or me'
Orange says ‘Red, I'm so sorry'

Four leaders is cut in half-luckily they've added staff, Sunday polo on the grass, Giant boil on Blew’s ass!

WE SPREAD THAT GAME FAR AND WIDE, always been a point of pride, Sent that spike through Harg’s hand- ER visit wasn’t planned!

CHORUS
(We are retired bikers
Kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings)
(We are retired bikers
We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving.)

Orange says ‘I'm outta here’,
Green goes hippy profit share:
‘Ten percent for each of you: Jade and Chrome and Grey and Blew.’

Base was an evolving place, with signed tags like BEEF JERKY FACE,
Dailys found in stacks and stacks, warm beer from Racks Full of Snacks.

Post-It note collection, Craigslist missed connections. Tan leader’s graffiti wall - mallet bowling, Foosball.
10-9, 10-4, if you’re 10-7 close the door.
BK broiler, fish tank, blue/grey jerseys fucking stank. Mushrooms at the MMI. STS thorns in our side.

CHAUNCEY in the urinal, Schlitz Park Crit a ritual; ‘142’ get over here we love your style now drink this beer!

CHORUS
(We are retired bikers
Kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings
We are retired bikers
We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving )

Skid comp down MLK, double rainbow all the way! Dirty wins and losses, Tuesday’s with no bosses. 3 wheeler, squishy, xtracycle, stiffy.
surly baked bean, money makin’ fifteen.
80 dollar cheesecake, guaranteed to go to waste. Tin of nuts,Von munz cards, Green’s mom sure knows how to bake!!

Skywalker, 815, that Australian guy named Guy-Navy made the girls all cry on dispatch while getting high.

Maple fast as fuck-don’t forget Augie Sucks!
Blew dropped a tabletop, Jade’s arrested by the cops.
TRACK BIKES HAD A LEARNING CURVE, into traffic Pink did swerve. DON’T YOU SWEAR ON THE AIR-THAT’S A SIXER IF YOU DARE!!

CHORUS
(We are retired bikers
Kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings)
(We are retired bikers
We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving )

Notice of Eviction, Epic base destruction,
Tags were laying everywhere, is that CO2 that’s in my hair?
Moved across the alley and into the Chalet.
Got kicked out, no one cared-no one loved
It anyway.

As for the guy we know as Green-
Featured Mogul INFO Magazine

8th grade education, practiced exaggeration.
Coulda sold the company
But then he’d be an employee
They offered him a quarter mil-
He turned it down-he’s hippy, still!

10-9 THE CATCHPHRASE
HANDYCAM A FUN PHASE
LIKES HIS DRUGS AND TIME AWAY
From the grinding day to day!

CHORUS
(We are retired bikers
Kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings
We are retired bikers
We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving )

Kilbourn bridge took out his knee
Broken collarbones-at least three?

And of course the worst of all
Put him into critical
Biker vs ladder
Wallet just got fatter

Yellow the first on the scene-by then he’s an EMT. Rushed him into surgery, traumatic brain injury.

DISPATCH ROYALE WHEN engaged-
Now more prone to fits of rage.
he always had a giant head-
Add a swelling brain-he’s almost dead!!!

CHORUS
(We are retired bikers
Kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings)
(We are retired bikers
We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving)


In the end he gave away
This home we all called Breakaway
He loved it so he set it free, this historic little LLC.
Biden says he’ll Build Back Better
By God he will, as will Cheddar.
Who knows what the future holds-don’t look now we’re getting old.
But even if it’s a fucking mess-
the universe still answers yes!
So keep that giant head held high-
You’re a twice-proven successful guy.

Your summer of fun’s a total loss,
but we’re lucky to have called you boss.

WE ALL OWE YOU SOME GRATITUDE
So we’d all like to say thank you, dude.
Have fun while the money lasts!
BREAKAWAY WAS A GODDAMN BLAST!

CHORUS

We are retired bikers, kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings
We are retired bikers, We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving
We are retired bikers, kept the pedals turning despite our low earnings
We are retired bikers, We were fit and thriving now we’re fat and driving....
(End)


Add Comment

pilder said...

fuckin A+ 815. two thumbs up. i don't even know these guys and it makes me smile in a washed up messenger way. if i was in the know on all the references i'd be crying too.

Posted August 14, 2020 07:28 PM | Reply to this comment

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