Mark, reminds of one of my favorite pieces by Pittsburgh messenger Tom Holland when he used to write for Dirt Rag, back in the 90's,
http://www.dirtrag.com/print/article.php?ID=24&category=web-only
While I'm thinking about it, here's another one that was pretty funny,
http://www.dirtragmag.com/print/article.php?ID=26
Enjoy.