220, 221 whatever it takes
December 31, 2009
historic landmark designation
December 29, 2009
And then there were two. New Years day smells like football. It also smells like the rent check is due. I’ve recently regained an appreciation for the simple things in life, after taking home a case of the flu. Don‘t Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like JP ? When it feels like the tank is empty, a little adrenaline may be all I need, or maybe I need an icecold 12-pack of Busch Light. Happy New Year cheers
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green light red light
December 29, 2009
Seattle traffic is a real bear
there’s a time and a place for Billy Joel
not now not here
three people in the whole theater and
the other two sat right in front of me
I’ll wait for the DVD
that’s not ‘98 it’s ‘86
like a 5-gallon bucket
1099 this again
do you want to see something really scary?
I have two fingers
insurmountable obstacles
beyond your control
2010 is the new Friday
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red light green light
December 28, 2009
same as it ever was except when it wasn't
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IN-N-OUT urge
December 26, 2009
OUT - IN Friday - Tuesday
Facebook - social skills
cupcakes - Jo Jos
ignorance - bliss
No - Yes
lite - light
31.8 - 25.4
neo - retro
29 inch - 700c
steamed - deep fried
spring roll - egg roll
BIKERAI - RAGBRAI
smattering - saturation
playoffs - don’t talk about playoffs
the recession - unemployment
the economy - bikes
the environment - bikes
exercise - bikes
used cars - bikes
Zip cars - bikes
scooters - bikes
RE Load - DANK
SEA - PDX
PBR - IPA
cutlets - giblets
bacon - bacon
Pokey - Gumby
complimentary - free
electronic filing - hand delivery
tweeting - talking
light rail - walking
home fries - hash browns
ring tones - rotary phones
after Christmas sale - yard sale
what’s hot - what’s not
Out n In - In n Out
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Merry Christmas... and all that
December 25, 2009
Our Lady of Corned Beef
December 24, 2009
1124 Howell is not on the corner of 12th & Howell
A clean well lighted place for everything
And everyone in their place
A vehicular recumbent cyclist is like kicking them when they’re down
There’s an unfamiliar rhythm in the layers of repetition
I’m getting on an elevator I may lose you 
Another stock photo. Truly timeless holiday imagery, that in this economy, screams Merry Christmas and all that, really, for real.
You know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? 
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brown bottle buttercup bouquet
December 22, 2009
I spy the Space Needle behind 1201
Mt Rainier is on Capitol Hill
and it’s all on the waterfront
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you blink when you lie
December 22, 2009
everyone knows it’s windy they know
it’s worse when you lie about it
the truth hurts more because it’s true
Who’s got it figured out?
big mouth know-it-all asshole jerk
only want what cannot get
a firm grasp of the fundamentals
the X’s and the O’s
a student of the game
the kids are out of school
weekend warriors all week long
making their way downtown today
retail hunting and gathering
line standing at the post office out the door
Santa Claus photo 6th Ave shit show
keep creepy Santa away from me
traffic cop-o-rama wave
You NOT you you
left turn right lane
for all the marbles
heaping helpings of piping hot wort
hovering heavy over the neighborhood
single serving subscriptions
red wine stained lips
strained smile stretched into morning
toothpaste tastes like chicken
watch me eat 50 fucking hardboiled eggs
keep it down v-neck argyle sweater vest
ubiquitous orange zest squeezed in your eye
Jesus Christ pose on the couch
on the flip side on the 4th Ave side
victory trophy prize consolation
keeping score on a scoreboard no one else can see
tote home from the County Fair
one goldfish in each plastic bag
didn’t expect them to live that long
relationship recollection
clearly calibrated calendar
broken up into two-year cell phone contracts
Who’s got it figured out?
five blocks on a Tuesday
law library ASAP if you say so
five miles on a Sunday
beers in Ballard because I said so
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in the weeds
December 21, 2009
Turning point. Shortest day. Longest night. Winter solstice.
Glass half full. Four shopping days. Whatever.
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the fog of beer
December 20, 2009
Canterbury tales of ABC and PBR
roadmasters of annual tradition
deviled eggs attractively arranged
thousand island subwoofers
with whipped cream on top
keep your day job up to date
hazardous food handler’s permit
there’s a rhythm to it
call & response radio etiquette
copy all that
five digit addresses add up
if you lived there
you wouldn’t be home by now
traffic is a real bear
I’ll have one more beer
the smell cannot be duplicated
copy that
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Captain Stoker
December 17, 2009
bike geeks take pictures of bikes
because they don’t have many friends and
the ones they have are doing the same thing
and blogging each other like this
like the kid in the drivers ed film
chasing his ball into the street
between parked cars near a park
where kids chase balls around
like a tandem with an inflatable stoker
an accommodating expression on her face
oh captain my captain
do that to me one more time
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healthcare reform
December 17, 2009
What seems to be the problem?
Why don’t you tell me Doc?
Just take a stab at it A shot in the dark
But each swing you take runs around $300
A full battery of tests coming up aces
Black and white and puke allover
That cat is too fat
This cat is too thin
Metabolic rates
Inhibitors that stimulate
Not enough
Too much
Thyroid hyper Thyroid hypo
How about a little middle of the road
A visit to Mediumville
Not too hot not too cold
This porridge is just right
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negative space
December 16, 2009
---this space intentionally left blank- - --
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the smell never goes away
December 15, 2009
coolrain 12-inch action figures from Matt Case's collection black tea
steeped in the cup
steeped in tradition
set apart to fit in
brand names change trend cycles
a uniform to put on each morning
to take the train into the city
to play the game to play along
to do it all again the next day
shortest days of the year strung together
to make one long week
40 hours the hard way
wouldn’t last 5 days at your job
Yo-Yo Ma yo mamma
layers seem to work best
two sweaters and a vest
second-day socks pushed to new limits
the smell never goes away
...you got the juice to fill my cup
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denatured eggnog latte
December 14, 2009
word
December 13, 2009
"Swipe it once!"
December 12, 2009
At 11:14am the dispatcher chirps me,
“pickup a rush roundtrip from the ACLU going to 44 West Mercer. Wait for the signature then take it back right away. We need you in the core to cover Nooners!”
Who is this we? We only have two riders and the other one called in sick, again. And 44 West Mercer my ass. Bad addresses are no problem and We’ll be there right away. Labor costs are down while caloric output is steadily increasing in this December weather. It’s coming up Burberry everywhere, but where is the accompanying warm fuzzy holiday feeling I read about in the paper?
Oh yeah. It’ll be a quick little jaunt out of the core…
“Copy ACLU and the story to go with it”, I chirp
There used to be a little patch of nature on the way to LQA, a wetlands preservation greenbelt. It was one of my favorite strips of asphalt in Seattle. Surrounded by trees with a short descent into a sweeping right turn and no traffic on the smoothest road ever. The city recently sold the land to developers after the river dried up and there wasn’t really any wetland to preserve anymore. Then budget shortfalls heavily outweighed the weak protests about the loss of greenspace in the city. The loss of a place to sit down and actually feel like you weren’t in Seattle. The loss of a place where you could pull off the road to take a piss and easily disappear into thick undergrowth and maybe say hi to a few happy raccoons and some crazy looking birds and chirp out. The loss of a place where a Vietnam vet I once met, could campout for months.
“Base to Matt!”
“I’m still 4 blocks away” I say, “it‘s a bad address anyway”
“Swipe it once!”
What? Swipe what? I’m not exactly sure what that phrase means, but in this context, I catch his misinformed drift. No 10-9 needed. This job would be a lot cooler if I didn’t have to talk to anyone on the Nextel. If I wanted to talk on the phone, I’d work in an office. Now I'm starting to smell a little stress. The attorney I‘m looking for, if he even has an office on West Mercer Street, and if he's in his office and available, will most likely take his time signing these...
[More]
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Toni Braxton's red turtleneck sweater
December 11, 2009
Wilson posed with the roasted chestnut cheerleaders outside the Four Seasons in 2006. Three years later it has become a stock photo for when you need a little Christmas right this very minute.
In 1993, Johnny Mathis gave his red turtleneck to Toni Braxton and 12 years later she wore it on Good Morning America to perform the same song. And it was good, so good I've been talking about it ever since they took it off YouTube.
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it's like this and like that
December 10, 2009
It’s like one less fuel efficient car with a bumper sticker that reads one less SUV.
It’s like the assumption that a paramilitary uniform commands more respect than an ill-fitting blue blazer with dumpy grey slacks.
It’s like a crocheted Kleenex box cover.
It’s like three battery-powered fake candles glowing on the reception desk amid plastic pine boughs emitting the chemically reproduced smell of melted wax and artificial cinnamon all over a medium sized law firm on the 19th floor of a large office building that has thousands of windows, none of which open, a building that has a newly retrofitted HVAC system, a building that prohibits the use or presence of open flames, flames like the kind you would expect to find on real candles glowing real light in December emitting smells of real wax melting and dripping on the legal documents I place on the desk when I stamp my return copies.
It’s like falsely notarizing documents regarding the sale of his father-in-law’s car in Oklahoma.
It’s like the alien that popped out of that guy’s stomach.
It’s like finding yourself on a road that used to go through but now dead-ends into a massive parking garage for a mixed use condo hotel complex of shoddy new construction with street-level retail and an Azteca restaurant on level M2, and you thought you were hungry but you can’t smell the food you can only smell the chemicals off-gassing from the new carpet, wall coverings and vinyl upholstery, but the staff is friendly.
It’s like that.
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when the big hand is on the little hand
December 9, 2009
hold on for two more days
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this little piggy went to market
December 7, 2009
heard it on NPR
saw it on DrunkCyclist
just made it up
layered up enough
to feed a family of four
which works well until
delivering to the passport office
to wait in three lines three times
wait time to shed layers
this little piggy wears wool
lucky socks worn thin
breeze blowing through shoes
wind chill factor demonstrated clearly
December 7th today …in infamy
paying the price for wardrobe decisions
made four years ago
in a Saturday hangover thrift store daze
then compounded four hours ago
in a second cup of coffee haze
getting what I paid for
fifteen years later
a little bit older a little Budweiser
slaking an unquenchable thirst
chicken curry brown rice Siracha-o-rama
“Thank you Dear have good day”
rising up from the subterranean Korean deli
sinking down into lobby furniture
food coma metabolizing slowly
monitored closely by building security
riding a temperature roller coaster
with a busted thermostat
touch-screen elevators can’t feel frozen fingers
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coldplay oasis
December 7, 2009
If the bench was still there, I’d sit on it.
Today could be the day that I turn on the heat in my apartment. I’ve reached all the arbitrary deadlines and imaginary goals and now it’s actually cold in Seattle. But first I need to scrape the ice off the inside of the window so I can look outside.
Crisp.
It’s all there in the dispatch log.
Or it used to be.
Originals saved for seven years.
Sometimes I wear my pick-up hat.
Sometimes I wear my drop-off hat.
Sometimes I wear my roundtrip hat.
Sometimes I wear my do-not-care hat.
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helium filled alien chapbook production
December 6, 2009
Just in time for the holidays. A new & improved pilderwasser production handmade in Seattle one at a time. One of a kind. Much bigger and better than last year. But just like last year Brad helped with several steps in the process including printing, counting, measuring, cutting, collating, stacking, folding, stapling and silkscreening. While Skunk slept through everything but the food breaks. This is a limited edition small batch run, a so-called helium filled alien bovine invasion Each chapbook is chockfull of words and features a unique silk-screened cover.
In order to build some anticipation I will ruin the surprise for my family and friends… because this is it, this is what you’re getting for Christmas. But it will feel different when you get it in your hands.
To ye olde messengers on the street, I’ll sell you one cheap. $5 in cash or some sort of tallboy trade may be arranged.
To all y’all in websiteville, I’ll sell you one too, but it won’t be so cheap. $8 will get you a chapbook shipped anywhere in the USA via USPS. Hand delivery via bicycle messenger will occur only for addresses in Zone One. PayPal payments to the following email address: pilderwasser at msn dot com
word 
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you're all intense and purposeless
December 4, 2009
that light was red
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we're all in tents...and porpoises?
December 4, 2009
if you build it they will come not many dolphins are harmed in the production of RAGBRAI
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for all intents and purposes
December 4, 2009
it's the same on the weekend as the rest of the days dankbags@gmail.com
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32 degrees Fahrenheit = 0 degrees Celsius
December 3, 2009
giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
December 2, 2009
Red ribbons tied on gold foil wrapped fake presents staged around pine-scented plastic trees in office building lobbies. The green velvet dressed harp player props her harp on the handrail and goes out for a smoke. Hopeful retailers blare Michael Jackson Christmas tunes to pierce through the drone of the escalators. What’s missing? What day is this? Where are the hoards of holiday shoppers toting bags and bags brimming with consumer confidence? Buying buying buying more. Visa and Mastercarding store to store.
There it is.
There’s that recurring underwhelming feeling that everything is horseshit. A quick cost-benefit analysis shows neither winning nor losing. Not whining but just as productive. Trackstanding in the living room watching YouTube videos of people trackstanding in their livingrooms. Treading water in the shallow end. Energy lost and nothing gained. Like one weak little working copy to the Judges Mailroom by 9:00 and nothing to go with it except an elevator full of conversation about fantasy football. Talk turns to Bellevue and the new mall. Offictrons chitchatting comparing traffic-clogged commutes and daughter’s soccer practice schedules, sales technique seminars and the upcoming team-building retreat.
There it is.
 ...snowing and blowing up bushels of fun now the jingle hop has begun
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ounce for ounce forty ounce
December 1, 2009
on the first day she said
let there be cheap beer
and it was good
enough
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