pilderwasser

let's party like it's two thousand and nine

one chirp is all it takes

Red Kev photo

Attorney: when I ask you a question, just answer the question

Client: no shit, I’m paying you $400 an hour you fat fuck

Christmas tree tied atop a Volvo wagon
12/23/08 = seasonal, spiritual, sentimental

Christmas tree tied atop a Volvo wagon
12/30/08 = trash

We have an understanding
An unspoken agreement
We don’t speak to each other

Call it like you see it
Call it what you will
Call someone who cares

We’re all paying rent to the same landlord

A little less lip gloss. A little more chapstick.
A little more IPA.  A little less PBR.
A little less daytime TV.  A little more integrity…

Today I need something more sub-sub substantial. More satisfying than a stale rice cake.  Enough of the fluffy whipped up cotton candy trendy pre-packed snacks with soy protein added for texture. Enough empty calories.

Yesterday my shopping list included ingredients for the creation of a hearty stew. But when I got home from the store the only thing in the bag was a 4-pack of ramen noodles. Shrimp flavor.

Today is the day that bike lanes shine and show what they’re really good for: collecting all the gravel, sand, broken glass, makeshift sleds, dogshit, beer cans, hub caps and other detritus that materializes after two weeks worth of snow melts. It was like riding on the beach out there today.  A beach covered with biohazards and oilslick wildlife.

Yesterday…this guy walks into a bar with his laptop and the NY Times. He sits at a table and orders a bowl of soup. A short time later he asks his server to ask the bartender to turn the music down. And the bartender says,
“Hell No. Tell him to go to the library. This is a bar and it’s Elliott Smith for cryin out loud.”

 What’d you get for Christmas?

I got to pay the rent.

What do you think it all means?

You're right.

when it rains it rains
persistent nagging chest pains
as a result of ill-gotten gains

you super usurper
you're gonna get yours
you get what you pay for
      pay now     pay later

not a just a compromise
a ceremonial sacrifice
offering up function to the fashion gods
your feet hurt like hell
but you look good     yes you do   yes you do

Should we talk about the weather?       No
I don’t want to be that guy                  …Snow

It’s allover everywhere and we’re all over it

Blisters turn to calluses. Suck it up, they say. And just like anything else you get used to it. Get over it. Get out from under it. Get off it.  Get on with it.

And I am so ready to   too

Easy to say. Easy to do with a day or two over 32°

Winterwonderland is a place you visit by choice or vacation. Seattle in the snow is so 1996. It was fun for a day and great for a weekend. But I think many people here feel the same way and are ready to see bare wet streets, 45 and rain.

We’ve all taken a moment to appreciate the majestic beauty of the snow covered city. The muffled quiet of traffic-less streets. The frightened screams of drunk people sledding down Denny from Summit all the way to Stewart. The goofy laughter of kids building their first snowman. But I no longer have the happy-go-lucky attitude of a Pomeranian in the snow.

I have the grumpy poopy pants attitude of an old messenger that has missed a few days of work and walked out a few more and I’d like to take a moment to appreciate how the snow here makes everything heavier, wetter, slower, slicker, slipperier, slushier and suck just a little bit harder

45 is the new 65. Not years old, degrees Fahrenheit.

Everyone is a little bit edgier, crustier, grumpier. Not just your local messenger, but your cashier, your lawyer, your mail carrier, your bartender and your dog walker. Drivers are a faster on the draw, ready to lay on the horn or get vocal. Not typical Seattle.                                    

My bikes have become laundry racks and haven’t seen the street for a week.

Let’s talk about something else

wanna come upstairs and see my binder clip collection?

10 years ago

Erik Jahnz took this photo

Don't do what I say

Don't do what I do

Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years

Don’t call us
We’ll call you

Don’t stand up in a canoe

try walking a mile in my shoes

I’m getting on an elevator
I’m about to lose you

I saw you

This past week of work   in the snow
has sucked
just a little bit harder now baby

But it’s over
Today is my Friday

word

You know what hard work gets you...

...more hard work

Another day another half dollar. Actually it’s down to 45 cents. I’d buy that for a dollar but the price is now $2.25.  Please accept this gift card as a small token of appreciation for all the work you’ve done over the past year.  The card may be redeemed at participating Taco Bell restaurants  [The bearer of this card is entitled to one free medium soft drink with a purchase of $10 or more] Hey thanks. NO, Thank You. December revenue projected to fall short of projections expected to fall short of expectations predicted to fall short of predictions. shoulda coulda woulda.

Blame it on the weather

Blame it on the messenger

The streets aren’t plowed
Because there are no snow plows

The sidewalks aren’t shoveled
Because no one owns a snow shovel

Compact snow and ice
Traction tires required

Accumulations of 6”- 8”…he said
More like 3” - 5” …she said

Remember that time
It snowed in Seattle then froze & stuck around
Yeah that was a while ago                                1996

In the 206
In the two oh six          Oh
I found your wallet in El Segundo

You gotta get it
You got-got to get it

Wool socks and six packs
Six packs of wool socks

Frozen pizza
Hard liquor
Red wine
Sharp cheddar

one more layer

I gotta get it
I got-got to get it

 these boots weren’t made for walking
but that’s what they had to do
one of these days these boots
are gonna                      call in sick

Walking in to work
Walking it for work
Walking is not the new black
Walking kind of sucks

Coming out of buildings looking for my bike

reaching for my key feeling for my lock      then

remembering my bike was at home
because I walked
Walking sucks sometimes

but it beats the bus

All local artists

All mediums

All night

you know you want some

Less is more        or less
overdressed   underdressed
confident comfortable
I’m impressed
nothing more   nothing less

pedestrian chicken dance
duck duck duck             goose

say hello to my little friend
Mr. Jim Beam
he lives close to another friend
Major Lee Housed

Out in left field
Out to lunch
Out in the cold
sitting on the steps
the only thing between me and hypothermia
the only thing between my ass and those steps
a fat stack of divorce papers
fortified by fatass divorce lawyers
insulated with inflated billable hours

belching away the one and only chance
to make a good impression
on a mind that was made up long ago

Raise your hand if you’ve
eaten the special at the Logan Deli
and Café Zum Zum
in the same 4 hour stretch…
a normal man would be in the hospital
it’s all about me
it’s all about calories

What should I do?
do what you say
or do it the right way

Do what you love
and the money will follow
that thing you love
right out the window

You can’t afford to

You can’t afford not to

what's in the bag?

What isn't in this one-of-a-kind messenger bag handmade in Seattle by those guys down at DANK for Mobius Cycle with a pink pilderwasser nipple driver on the flap?

that's not Sharrow that's Skunk

23 degrees. That’s not that cold…if you’re from Spokane, Boise, Laramie, Grinnell or Milwaukee. If you’re from Seattle 23 is cold.  But sunny and crisp is not a bad way to go. To go by bike. It just means wearing a few more layers and it’s no big deal until you work up a sweat then go inside the passport office and wait in line for 25 minutes and though you’ve stripped down as far as you can in a government office the sweat is dripping down your ass crack and soaks through your baselayer.  Then when you finally make it up to the glass-enclosed clerk and make your delivery, it’s time to go back outside and freeze. But only until the next time you get hot and then stand around inside. 

Seven layer salad. Seven layer cookies. Seven layer dip.

dip

P for Peet's sake

 celeste green RB-2, white Flite, white Ourys, carbon fiber seat post, Salsa stem, pink pilderwasser DANK top tube pad, white Michelin tires…

…or not 

You say tomato
I say ketchup

You say potato
I say French fries

You say cappuccino
I say fucking coffee


so
what if
you used up all your chances
to make a first impression
sitting at the bar
telling a dirty joke
you heard 3 nights ago
3 stools down
at the same bar

a quick cost-benefit analysis
Nothing to gain
Nothing to lose

So
what

What are you worried about?

the combo meal is cheaper
than each item ordered separately
but you're stubbornly
sticking to your guns
wedged up in your gums

floss

kids these days

If A then B
If B then C
therefore
If A then C

If X then Y          and maybe Z too
where were you and you    and you
six months six weeks six days ago

you win some you win some more you lose some it rains it pours

On the first day of Christmas
    dispatcher gave to me

twelve Nextels chirping
eleven deadlines burning
ten    EoDs
nine candy baskets
eight file boxes
seven Pier 70’s
six triple towers
five        bulky         kings
four rush round trips
three downtowns
two-zone teeners
and one lousy cup of coffee

wouldn't want your job on a day like this

Admiring the facts
Arriving at the right answers     but
Asking the wrong questions
right         wrong    right
left wondering why
just a bit shy

when she comes
she’ll be coming ‘round the mountain

Long red braids
Short black skirt

Long white apron
Short smoke break

Long meaningful stare
Short awkward conversation

when she comes
she’ll be driving six white horses

good night      rough morning
diminished capacity
cloudy   hazy   foggy
more black coffee
and just a splash of
decision making ability
Absolutely Free!
plus a one time only
shipping & handling fee

when she comes
we’ll all go out to meet her

 10 years ago today...

I performed my first notarial act

kickstand #4 was in the works

There were 150 bike messengers in Seattle

Marco Pantani won the Tour

There was a democrat in the White House

The Broncos were on their way to another Super Bowl

UW was                 6-6
WSU was              3-8
Seahawks went    8-8

The Kingdome was still there

Safeco field was under construction

Zen Couriers kicked ass
allover the greater Puget Sound area, on bikes

Buckys wore Blue

Elliott Bay was Purple

I was 10 years younger
and still older than you are

You were still in school

I rode a cross bike
uphill both ways
in the snow

I gave up on grad school

A CMWC meant more to me than a PhD
it still does (no offense Mr. Jeffrey L. Kidder)

Messengers never had to show photo ID
anywhere downtown
Except to buy beer

There were not many messengers hanging at Monorail
City Grind was at 5th & Columbia

Copy jobs were done one page at a time
with rolls and rolls of quarters

We had pagers
and called base on the phone
from land-line phones
A lot
One job at a time

Invoices were printed
in triplicate
on a dot-matrix printer

A trip to the recorder
guaranteed 30 minutes of wait time

MDR, PNP and PM were legal messenger companies

the ENA satellite was an institution

I know now what I knew then
But I didn’t know then what I know now

I can’t keep a straight face

This cheapass frozen pizza tastes better the next day.  Refrigerate unused portion. Whatever it’s colder in my apartment than it is in my refrigerator. It is. Really. I’m serious. It’s cold outside. So cold my key coil won’t recoil. Hungover.  Still drunk. Hungover. Drunk. I’ll never do that again. Whatever. My fingers are cold. My ears are cold. But there’s sweat dripping down my back. Head spinning. Riding the waves of nausea on crowded elevators. Unwanted spectator on officetron conversations of weather and weekends and weekass plans. Smelling morning coffee. Myself smelling like the smell of freedom which this Friday morning is a unique combination of burritos, beer, sweat, wet dog, cat hair, road grime, chain lube, leftover pizza, toothpaste, Old Spice and old socks.

Here's Adam Toothaker winning a race in a pilderwasser t-shirt

and this from Mr. Toothaker himself:

bike bio:
frame was a trade with kevin carter and he pulled it from the dead  
baby pile for a possible polo bike
the cranks are from recycled cycle.
the forks, i got those because they are pink- carlie and kevin- from  
the other used bike shop on the east side of pdx that isn't city bikes.
spd clipless pedals from an abandoned gary fisher in a house my dad  
was remodeling.
salsa stem i won here in boise at the hellracer.
bars from a friends wife here in boise-43
brooks saddle with a reflector that my uncle attached in something  
like 1978ish
wheels are deep v and the rear hub is white industries eno because wwmd
ratio is 34x17
this is the reason why i am sharing; because, when i was building up  
the wheel in may, charlie had told me about case planning a memorial  
event for the three lost on the hill. charlie didn't make the  
connection of me might knowing them, it was a casual mention about him  
maybe going to seattle and i was totally caught off guard at the  
truing stand. i was planning on bringing the bike to seattle to show  
kevin. i had a feeling that he would be into my build that i had done.
there is my catharsis. do you charge for the first hour, can we  
prorate this session.
ride safe
word

A priest, a rabbi and a bike messenger walk into a bar…

Did you hear the one about the drunk messenger?

How many messengers does it take to change a light bulb?

This messenger walks into a bar,  the bartender says…

What do you call a bike messenger with a masters degree?

Sunday Sunday Sunday read the fine print

what's the  g for?

I'll give you what for...

slideshow in progress here rated PG-13

I don't want to be that guy

You already are

There are no hidden meanings  

 milk       milk

lemonade

round the corner chocolates made